Saturday, 31 January 2009

Switzerland Mortified By Unashamed Display of Public Nudity

A Swiss canton is hastily seeking to rewrite its laws, after a shameless Gordon Brown outraged public decency by strutting naked and proud around the mountain resort of Davos this weekend.

Mr Brown - an enthusiastic adherent of FKU, or ‘free money culture’ - astonished the world’s diplomats by brazenly climbing onto the stage at the annual meeting of the World Economic Forum, wearing not a single stitch to cover his embarrassment.

The naked PM then embarked upon a long ramble, with bare-faced rubbish about the painter Titian and global solutions with no historical analogies, and called for the rebuilding of outdated institutions like the International Monetary Fund which - along with the Tories, the press and the general public - he castigated for deepening the financial crisis by brazenly telling the naked truth about it.

“Gordon Brown great big dick to be coming here and waving wrinkly old bollocks in face of delegates,” said a shocked and angry Vladimir Putin. “All world know he stripped of all dignity at home and abroad, so why he has to come here and flaunt flabby thinking about global markets in front of everybody? Bloody global markets cause of whole bloody problem in first place.”

“I’ve never been presented with such a pathetic sight. I didn’t know where to look,” commented French Finance Minister Christine Lagarde. “If Monsieur Brown thinks he’s got anything at all to be proud of, I can assure you that he hasn’t.”

The unashamed prime minister was about to reach the climax of his shocking speech by telling delegates: “This is not like the 1930s, the world can come together,” when he was forcibly removed from the stage by men in white coats just as he was putting these disturbing words into action.

Media Fascinated By Discovery Of Hot Place

As Britain braces itself for the approaching fury of the full Siberian winter, TV viewers across the nation were amazed to learn of an orbiting body that apparently gets quite hot sometimes.

Stunning new images reveal, for the first time, that a faraway object known to scientists as ‘Australia’ experiences periodical fluctuations in temperature as it travels around its sun in an elliptical orbit.

“At the moment, ‘Australia’ is quite close to its star, meaning that surface temperatures are reaching an unimaginable 40 degrees or more,” said a NASA travel agent. At such intolerable temperatures, life itself becomes unsustainable and people without extensive life-supporting air-con systems simply melt.”

Shivering British viewers were unmoved by the discovery, however.

“I’ve just been out to buy a warmer duvet,” complained one sceptical member of the public. “So obviously global warming is just a myth put about by greedy politicians. Er… that is what this is about, isn’t it?”

Friday, 30 January 2009

European Protests Inspire Anti-European Protests

European-minded Britons, inspired by yesterday’s mass protests in France, have taken a leaf out of their international fellow-workers’ book by staging strikes against the employment of Europeans in Britain.

The strikes began in Lincolnshire, where French oil company Total enraged the workforce by awarding a £200m contract at the Lindsey refinery to Italian firm IREM.

“Us’ve got plenty of aliens floatin’ around Lincolnshire in their UFOs, a-crashin’ into the scenery,” said one of the strikers at the refinery gates, “Now there’s goin’ to be 300 Italians all a-plantin’ their ‘orrible spaghetti trees all over the countryside.”

Xenophobic sympathy strikes subsequently broke out in Scotland, Wales and Teeside, as British workers followed the example set by their European counterparts and mounted protests against their European counterparts.

“How dare these swarthy, evil, moustachio-twirling foreigners come over here with their work ethic and their skills and their habit of meeting deadlines, and steal all the jobs from decent, hardworking, lazy, useless British workers?” said a spokesman for the trade union Unite.

“What this country needs is a bloody good war,” he added. “I say we invade Europe now, while the ranks of our glorious British Army are still chock-full of foreign soldiers.”

Honda Plant Suspends Car-Spewing Activities

Honda’s car-spewing plant in Swindon is to shut down for four months from today, as the enormous pit at the end of its production line is now overflowing with unsold cars.

“The production line is now completely blocked and, in order to prevent the entire factory from backing up with half-finished cars, we have reluctantly turned off the car tap,” said a spokesman for the Japanese manufacturer, which today announced that its profits had plummeted to a paltry £795m. “It seems that, of late, people have unaccountably become less keen to spend money on our garish, overpriced Tonka toys.”

Honda has traditionally enjoyed an enviable reputation for building ugly cars that work, despite – or perhaps because of – the fact that their cars are inexplicably more expensive than all the other ugly Japanese cars that work.

“Our cars are seen by the Clarkson-addicted British public as the Japanese equivalent of BMWs,” said the spokesman. “Except, of course, that BMW drivers are arrogant, road-hogging wankers who need to be beaten to death with a wheel-jack - whereas Honda drivers are irritatingly smug, but just about tolerable.”

Honda engineers estimate that it will take four months to drill through the earth’s mantle, enabling them to restart production by dumping freshly-built cars straight off the line into a vast lake of seething magma.

“We are currently in talks with Lord Mandelson about getting the taxpayer to stump up the money for this,” added the spokesman.

Thursday, 29 January 2009

Britain Still Well-Placed To Weather Recession, Insists Governor-General Brown

Britain is likely to weather the recession better than any other country in the Third World, announced a remarkably upbeat Gordon Brown today.

The prime minister’s analysis is based on a report from the International Monetary Fund, which predicted that, of all the developed countries, Britain was the worst-placed to deal with the global economic downturn.

“At first glance, the IMF report may appear to present a somewhat gloomy outlook for the country,” said Mr Brown, resplendent in a solar topee. “However, you have to remember that Britain has long since ceased to be a developed nation. We now treat our own workforce little better than the sweating Malayan coolies back in the glorious days of Empire. We are cramming everyone who can spell their name through our universities despite the appalling scarcity of graduate-level jobs, just as we did in the Raj. And we have successfully reduced the sick and unemployed to a sub-caste of Untouchables, loathed and ignored by all.

“Meanwhile, our infrastructure is in terminal decline, our businesses are in the hands of asset-stripping foreign companies who ruthlessly bleed wealth out of our economy. Power is jealously guarded by a remote professional class, who maintain their aloofness from the natives by a combination of empty promises, jingoistic appeals to nationalism and vague threats about extremists wanting to kill us all in our beds. This control is maintained by eroding civil liberties and hidden taxation, and backed up by an ever-growing police force accountable to nobody.

“So it’s completely unrealistic for the IMF to compare us to Western nations,” he concluded, brandishing his swagger stick. “If you think of Britain as a southern-hemisphere banana republic that has somehow washed up on the shores of Europe, though, you’ll soon see things in the right perspective. Chin chin!”

Unspeakable French At It Again

Those unspeakable French have once again shown their complete contempt for all civilized - i.e. British - values, by unashamedly letting their government know that they are slightly displeased by what it is doing to alleviate the effects of the recession.

An estimated 2.5m smelly sans-culottes actually dared to walk through the streets of 200 towns and cities today, in a swathe of disgraceful protest marches organized by disloyal trade unions who seemed suspiciously interested in the welfare of the average Johnny Frog, rather than giving their unquestioning support to the government as they should.

“I am - ‘ow you say - up to ‘ere wiz zees fouteur Sarkozy and ze Carla Bruni wiz zee big boobies,” said an onion-wearing man in a striped shirt and beret, as he munched greedily on a horse.

“We are not going to seet back on le cul and suffair,” agreed his excitable, overdressed harlot as she waved her unpleasantly hairy armpits in a most disagreeable manner. “En France, we ‘ave a ‘abeet of taking to ze streets at ze drop of a ‘at and saying ‘Non’ to ze useless gouvernement. Excusez-moi, ees zat un mouton over zere? Pierre! Apportez les allumettes, donc!”

Meanwhile, the stolid British public carried on with their civilised way of life: sprawling apathetically in front of their televisions, shaking their heads in horror at the gibbering antics of their loathsome neighbours, scratching their ever-spreading arses and waiting patiently for the P45 to drop through the letterbox.

Plymouth City Council Not To Blame For Anything, Says Plymouth City Council

Announcing the shedding of 200 jobs over the next twelve months, a spokesman for Plymouth City Council told reporters that the council’s financial deficit was definitely caused by the worldwide recession, underfunding by central government, and giant mutant lobsters.

“It certainly has nothing to do with the £13m we blew in four games of Icelandic roulette last year,” he added, dodging a large chunk of masonry as it fell off the Civic Centre. “Neither is it connected in any way with the decision in the 90s to uncouple our poverty-stricken city from cash-rich Devon and let a small clique of thicky Janners run everything into the ground.”

When asked to comment on the latest instalment in Plymouth’s terminal economic decline, council leader Vivien Pengelly reminded journalists that she didn’t do bad news, and sent them a nice picture of herself rescuing a cat from a tree.

Wednesday, 28 January 2009

London Hails New Era of Policing

A new dawn is rising on the face of policing in the capital, following the appointment today of Sir Kim Stephenson-il as the new Metropolitan Police Commissioner.

Sir Kim fills the vacancy left by his predecessor and former boss, Sir Kim il-Blair, who presided over a hysterical reign of anti-terror which left the streets of the capital littered with the corpse of a Brazilian electrician. The former Sir Kim resigned in a huff after the dissident hero of the masses, Boris Johnson, let it be known that the two of them did not quite see eye-to-eye on one or two matters.

The new Sir Kim – who was the old Sir Kim’s deputy, and has been running the force in a caretaker role since his mentor’s demise – promises a refreshing change from the oppressive heavy-handedness of the past. Shortly after his boss flounced out, he was responsible for the storming of the office of the feared shadow immigration minister Damian Green - a move which brought new respect to the Metropolitan force for its tactful observance of the due process of law.

In the 90s Sir Kim held a command position in the Royal Ulster Constabulary - supporting innovative methods for rooting out terrorists, such as shouting ‘Hail Mary’ and seeing who crossed themselves. Later, during his time as Chief Constable of the Lancashire police, he also introduced new policing techniques from the US - believed to include racing round in red cars with zig-zag stripes, shouting ‘Freeze!’ and beating up black men in the street.

Sir Kim has also worked closely with the much-loved MI5 - the respected government department responsible for tracking dangerous terrorists and electricians and passing their details to the police so they can chase them through busy streets and shoot them safely in the head.

Peer Admits Scrote Hoax

Baroness Murphy has admitted that she and her husband were responsible for inventing a fictitious medical condition in the 1970s known as “political scrotum”.

The husband-and-wife doctors submitted a hoax report to the British Medical Journal, in which they described the moving plight of a young politician called Gordon Brown, whom they claimed was already beginning to turn into a scrotum.

“Politicians are widely believed to be a load of old scrotes,” they wrote at the time, “But poor Gordon seems to be breaking all records. He shows all the symptoms of turning, quite literally, into a scrotum of terrifying proportions.”

However, after the BMJ repeated the claim in its Christmas edition, Baroness Murphy decided it was finally time to come clean about the story.

“There’s isn’t a jot of truth in this, and I’m sorry if any gullible members of the Labour Party ever fell for it,” she admitted. “But surely anyone can see that, despite a strong resemblance to a wrinkly old bag of skin, Gordon has absolutely no balls in him whatsoever.”

It is thought that the pair were originally inspired by a BMJ report describing “guitarist’s nipple” – thought to be a description of that well-known tit with a guitar, Tony Blair.

Tuesday, 27 January 2009

World’s Longest-Running Farce Set To Continue Indefinitely

Britain’s longest-running farce, the computerisation of NHS patient data, is likely to have its run extended beyond the current closing date of 2015, according to the Public Accounts Committee.

The National Programme for IT - known to its fans in government and the computing industry as NfIT – has seen takings of £12bn over its record-breaking 62-year run, and audiences say it is still as uproariously shambolic as it ever was.

“I can’t imagine NfIT ever coming to an end,” said laughing data-coder Tim d’Orque. “It’s been running for generations of programming languages now, and it’s seen off government after government over the years. The jokes are absolutely timeless – look, this module was written in COBOL! When it came to the part where the minister in charge said it was the largest IT project in the history of the entire world, we just fell about laughing at the thought of comparing a simple database of 65 million records with, say, the US federal tax records system. And, in terms of complexity, a program like World of Warcraft makes NfIT look like 10 PRINT “BOLLOCKS”, 20 GOTO 10. Ha ha ha.”

The long-running comedy has, in the course of its dead-end run, featured many household names in starring roles of comical ineptness, including Siemens and British Telecom.

Smaller parts of the system have gone on tour around doctors’ surgeries up and down the country, with side-splitting scenes as harassed practice managers try to work out how to feed punch-cards into the cassette recorder.

Incompetent Government Resigns In Shame

Iceland’s ruling coalition has collapsed, it was reported yesterday, making it the first government to fall victim to the economic crisis engulfing the world. Conservative prime minister Geir Haarde announced the resignation of his entire cabinet, following the failure of talks with coalition partners.

The whole Icelandic economy, which switched from fish to financial speculation overnight in the nineties, fell apart last year when the financial world suddenly realised it had blown all its money on a tiny island whose entire assets amounted to a flock of manky sheep and a volcano.

“In hindsight, perhaps it was just a little ambitious for a nation whose population could all fit inside a football stadium to think it was bursting at the seams with latent financial wizards capable of outsmarting the sharpest money-markets in the world,” admitted Mr Haarde. “Unfortunately, with hindsight, it appears we would have fared better if we’d stood back and let the sheep run our economy.”

As a consequence of its actions, Iceland is now caught in the grip of a currency crisis and rocketing unemployment, with daily protests mounted by enraged citizens.

Britain’s Gordon Brown, however, said he was confident that a similar collapse of government could not happen here.

“Resignation? How quaint,” he smiled, “Nobody resigns any more. You’d have to drag me kicking and screaming from office, because I’ll be clinging to the door frame by my fingernails, and you’d better believe it.”

“Of course, the other unique factor in the case of Iceland was that the population actually got up off their arses and rioted right in front of the parliament building,” he went on. “No chance of that happening here, of course. In the unlikely event of the British public dragging themselves away from footy and celebrity rubbish for long enough to mount a protest in Westminster, the Met would make short work of them thanks to all those new Tasers we coincidentally gave them a couple of months ago.”

Monday, 26 January 2009

Barclays Solves Recession

Barclays Bank has found the solution to the credit crunch, applying a little-known economic management system known as ‘bullshit’.

The bank’s share price had plummeted in the last few days, as investors realised it was a bank. However, Barclays reacted swiftly by countering the sharp decline with an open letter to the stock market, in which large amounts of bullshit were deployed for maximum effect.

“Dear Investor,” ran the letter, “Barclays Bank is doing very nicely indeed, thank you very much, and of course we are going to make you an awful lot of money in the near future. There is no such thing as a recession - in fact, everything in the world is just fine. We repeat, everything is fine. Only a complete and utter idiot could possibly think otherwise. Love, Barclays.”

“I’m no idiot,” said pension fund manager Rob Blind on reading the bullshit letter. “I am paid lots of money to be very clever, and I have applied all of my legendary fiscal acumen to the contents of this document and decided to throw all your pensions into Barclays shares.”

When asked whether this was the same money that he had swiftly pulled out of Barclays on Friday, Mr Blind said, “It might be.”

“Look,” he continued, “The important point is that I am a highly-skilled financial analyst. I use my considerable talents to sample a broad basket of economic indicators, assessing the entire spectrum of potential risks and benefits that might accrue from a variety of possible courses of action. Using my godlike genius, I then look at what everyone else is doing, and do that. And everyone is saying, ‘I’m not an idiot’ and buying back Barclays shares. So when I came back from lunch on Friday and found everyone had sold their shares in Barclays, my skill and judgement told me: ‘Jesus Christ, Rob, you’d better do the same or you’re going to look a bit stupid.’ Similarly, when I strolled in after a lunchtime meeting with my headhunter and heard that everyone had bought into Barclays, I did the same. Unfortunately, due to external factors beyond human control which nobody could possibly have foreseen, the pension fund lost £30m as a result. But hey, that’s the stock market for you.”

“Don’t worry about your pensions, though, folks,” he added. “Barclays say there will definitely be jam tomorrow, and only a complete and utter idiot could possibly think otherwise. Look, it says so here in their letter. I’m an investment banker - trust me.”

Man Tells Joke

A man on the telly told a joke on Friday, it has been reported by infuriated media watchdogs.

BBC switchboards were jammed with complaints after 5.7m horrified viewers found themselves laughing at the man’s joke.

“We will, of course, be mounting a full internal investigation into this alleged joke incident,” promised Director General Mark Thompson. “We take allegations of humour very seriously at the BBC - and if the man is found to have said anything remotely funny, he will be taken to a place of judgement, i.e. the Daily Express offices, and hanged from the neck until dead.”

Meanwhile, the ghost of Les Dawson’s long-suffering mother-in-law is said to have contacted the tabloid press via a medium, complaining that her afterlife has been made intolerable by the long-dead comedian’s shameful and derogatory references to her over the course of his long career.

“Whooooo,” she told reporters.

BBC Says ‘Shan’t’, Stamps Feet, Holds Breath Until Sick

The BBC Board has reaffirmed its refusal to broadcast an appeal from the Disasters Emergency Committee for aid to Gaza, despite mounting pressure from politicians of all parties, church leaders and the general public to reconsider its decision.

“We are the Lord your BBC,” said the BBC Board in a statement. “And when we condemn 1,300,000 Palestinians to live in a shelled-out hole in the ground without food, fuel or shelter, we do so without any bias whatsoever. Any form of pressure to change our minds is nothing less than overt political interference of the type and level perpetrated by the likes of Stalin and Goebbels.”

“We note with contempt the craven capitulation in the face of public opinion by the hated propagandists of ITV and Channel 4,” they continued. “Together with that other great bastion of unbiased truth, Sky News, we are resolved to continue with our brave policy of sticking two fingers up at everyone who dares to criticize our unworldly aloofness. We are proud to stand shoulder-to-shoulder alongside that other famous upholder of editorial freedom, Rupert Murdoch.”