Saturday, 24 July 2010

‘Mad’ Frankie Fraser Makes Bid For Channel Four

Following the news that Ofcom has abandoned any pretence at guaranteeing the quality of British television by allowing former pornographer and bullying thug Richard Desmond to buy Five, the notorious underworld celebrity ‘Mad’ Frankie Fraser has had himself fired from a trebuchet into the regulator’s Riverside House headquarters in London, carrying a sackful of used fivers to make them an offer for Channel 4 they can’t refuse.

A shaken Ed Richards – CEO of the communications regulator – later emerged from his office with a broken nose and two black eyes to announce that Mr Fraser was exactly the sort of public-spirited philanthropist who could be entrusted with a major TV station, if only Channel 4 was for sale. He begged the government to consider placing the publicly-owned channel on the market, for the sake of his knees.

Mr Desmond, meanwhile, told reporters he would apply all of his experience of running the Daily Express, OK! Magazine, Television X and Red Hot TV to the task of making Five the first TV station to feature daily updates on the death of Princess Diana, at the same time promising exclusive footage of her lookalikes engaging in multi-orgasmic sex with a glittering showcase of third-rate celebrities in exotic locations.

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Friday, 23 July 2010

Green Unpleasant Land

Housing Minister Grant Shapps today announced that developers could build affordable housing in villages without having to go through all that tiresome nonsense about planning permission in future, as long as they offered suitable bribes to any remaining locals who haven’t been squeezed out by rich tossers from London buying up everything in sight for a picturesque second home in the country.

The plan is for local ‘housing trusts’ to vote on whether they wish to blight their rural idyll forever with low-cost housing developments, before selling up to some unsuspecting townie bastard and getting the hell out of Britain on the first available ferry to Spain.

“Oi’m orl forr it, zurr,” said Jethro Slurry, 72, the last of a long family line which has lived in the sleepy Somerset hamlet of Chorlton Wheleigh since being granted a hidal burghage in 1172. “Let zay zemty-foive grann apiece furr me an’ ole Mrs Tolpuddle as use turr run th’ Powst Orifice afore ‘ee shut daown, plus wot us’ll git furr a faast zale a’boaf uzz cottages t’zumm stock-opp bleddy yuppies, an’ it’s ‘ellow lurrve shaack daown on ‘im thurr Coster Brarrvurr f’r uzz, innit me ‘anzumm?”

Countryside preservation groups have already fainted dead away at the proposals, while county councillors up and down the country have been rubbing their hands with glee and ringing round their architect friends for quotes.

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Scottish First Minister Draws Helpful Map For US Senate

The Scottish government has politely declined demands to send ministers and officials to the United States to testify at a Senate hearing into the release of convicted Lockerbie bomber Abdelbaset Ali al-Megrahi, who obstinately refuses to stop breathing despite repeated requests to do so from outraged senators.

First Minister Alex Salmond told reporters he had just faxed a map of the world to the Senate, with the United States outlined in green marker and labelled ‘US Jurisdiction’, a red circle around Scotland and a dashed line between them marked ‘3000 miles’.
“I’ve also bought a length of rope on eBay, which will be delivered to the Senate along with a helpful diagram showing them how to piss up it,” he smiled. “I hope that explains the concept of national sovereignty to them. I understand they have some trouble getting to grips with that.”

Former home secretary Jack Straw also declined the Senate’s invitation, claiming that the hearing clashed with a longstanding diary appointment for a round of golf with BP chief executive Tony Hayward, who coincidentally also happens to be on the list of people the senators would like to interrogate.

“I understand it may come as a shock to many senators to discover that there are a few remote corners of the world, like Scotland, which they don’t govern,” said a spokesman for the Home Office later. “However, if they put in a request for extraordinary rendition through the usual channels, I’m sure these ministers and officials, and any other latter-day witches on their shopping list, will fetch up in a diplomatic bag on Diego Garcia in the not-too-distant future.”

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Thursday, 22 July 2010

BNP Leader Offers To Lend Cameron ‘Battle Of Britain’ DVD

BNP leader Nick Angriff has kindly volunteered to take his treasured DVD of the 1969 movie ‘The Battle of Britain’ round to Number 10 Downing Street this afternoon, following prime minister David Cameron’s colossal gaffe in which he spoke of Britain as the ‘”junior partner” in the dark days of 1940.

“I was going to have tea with the Queen at a garden party this afternoon,” smiled Mr Angriff, “But apparently there was some problem with not enough chairs or whatever. One of her footmen rang at the last minute, to ask if I wouldn’t mind awfully if she told me to take my bigoted, racist views and drown them in a bucket along with the rest of my toxic little band of Nazis. I understand this is the standard formal statement issued by the palace in such circumstances, and am more than happy to help my sovereign lady ruler out of an embarrassing spot.”

“As I seem to have a couple of hours free, I thought I could do my bit for my country by dropping off my treasured copy of the best film ever made for the prime minister’s benefit,” he went on. “He can watch it when he gets back from America, and I’d be delighted to pop round with a big bag of crisps and talk him through any bits that he might find hard to understand. After he’s washed his hands, obviously. I saw him on TV shaking hands with a nig-nog, and I don’t want black DNA on my favourite disc.”

Warming to his theme, Mr Angriff told reporters it could be a hard film to follow, with so many nationalities wheeling around in the skies shooting each other down.

“Basically, any plane with red, white and blue circles on it is absolutely 100% English, even that one with a little red-and-white checkered square on the nose,” he explained, “That’s just a reference to the famous brainless English pilot, Wing Commander Oswald Mosley DSO DFC, who was notoriously partial to a slice of Battenburg cake with his afternoon tea.”

“On the other hand,” continued Mr Angriff, his wonky eye swivelling wildly with enthusiasm, “Anything with black crosses on it will be full of Polish, Czech, French, Dutch, Belgian and Norwegian fanatics hell-bent on destroying everything we hold dear.”

“And a lot of them were darkies, too,” he added. “I think most of them were, actually, come to think of it. Apart from that pilot who casually lights up a fag after parachuting to safety. He’s got to be French. They all smoke like chimneys.”

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CPS: Courtroom Not The Appropriate Forum To Judge Evidence

The Metropolitan Police Force’s inalienable right to kill you was upheld today by the Crown Prosecution Service, when it dropped all charges against the police officer who inexplicably decked innocent bystander Ian Tomlinson, who died moments later, as the G20 protests were going on in the distance.

“There is no realistic prospects of a conviction against the police officer in question for any offence arising from the matter investigated,” mumbled Director of Public Prosecutions Keir Starmer, a man to whom language does not come easily.

“We got medicinal experts saying one things and another about why Mr Tomlinson pegged out, see?” he explained. “If us clever-clogs at the CPS isn’t figure out how this woman died, how can we inspect a judge and jury to figures it all out in a court of laws? It’s unpossible.”

The officer who suddenly lashed out for no reason, knocking Mr Tomlinson to the ground, was probably being deliberately targeted by an anarchist cranefly which cynically used the newspaper vendor as a human shield, suggested Mr Starmer. As such, he went on, the unnamed officer was using reasonable force to defend himself, and indeed displayed admirable restraint in not leaping on Mr Tomlinson and tearing him apart with his bare teeth.

A spokesman for Mr Tomlinson’s family said that the decision was “a disgrace”. He is now helping the Metropolitan Police with their enquiries into the whereabouts of the rest of the family, and is not expected to live.

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Wednesday, 21 July 2010

Scignhereologists Ridiculed By All Other Voodoo Cultists

Millions of people who believe all kinds of ridiculous voodoo rubbish were today laughing and pointing at Scignhereologists, in a national outbreak of imaginary moral superiority triggered by Cardiff councillor John Dixon’s official reprimand for calling their cod sci-fi fantasies “stupid”.

“Look at the stupid brainwashed fucktards,” chortled Teresa Leary, a speculative bricklayer from Cheam who is completely sure that she will live forever on some sort of singing cloud because a paper-thin wafer and a sip of cheap wine every week somehow means that she is ingesting portions of an invisible mind-reading carpenter from the Middle East.

“Sorry, I can’t talk about these poor, deluded fools right now,” apologised Jamal Sanjrani, a self-employed newsreader kneeling down in Rugeley, “If I don’t face in the exact direction of a big stone in Mecca then my prayers could well fly off into space, where aliens might read them and laugh at my innermost hopes and fears.”

“How, in this day and age, can anyone seriously believe that for several lifetimes it completely slipped their minds that they were the literal embodiment of some absurd mumbo-jumbo cosmic life force?” scoffed Starchild Moonflower, a government dreamcatcher from Aldermaston. “Surely by now everybody knows that the cosmic life force is in each and every one of us, and that the good karma star and the bad karma star have now been scientifically observed in a binary orbit by the Hubble telescope? It’s on the internet.”

“A’m a fucken’ witch, aye,” observed Wee Billy Bampot, a full-time drunk from Glasgow.

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Millionaire Released From Prison After Terrible Misunderstanding

Convicted fraudster Conrad Black was released from Coleman Federal Prison in Florida on bail today, after the US authorities agreed that prison was certainly no place for a wealthy tycoon and it was probably all due to some ghastly mix-up.

“Our federal and state prisons are positively bursting at the seams with poor people,” said District Judge Amy St Eve. “That is who they are designed for. They are clearly not the ideal base of operations for a wealthy and cultured peer, whose only misdemeanour was to thoughtfully divert $6m of his shareholders’ money into his personal bank account so he could watch over it all the more carefully for them. If he didn’t tell them, why, surely that is because he would have felt deep embarrassment at the thought of being lavished with fulsome praise for such a typically selfless and charitable act.”

Lord Black's release comes after the Supreme Court ruled that one of the three laws used in his prosecution was a bit vaguely worded in places, making it all but certain that he had in fact done nothing even slightly questionable at any time in his entire life, as is usually the case with ruthless megalomaniacs who secretively micro-manage their vast business empires via an impenetrable tangle of mystery accounts.

The former proprietor of the Daily Telegraph initially applied for leave to return to Canada, as he was pining for the rugged forest slopes of his homeland. However, he kindly agreed to make do with his luxurious Palm Beach residence instead, while his lawyers worked out how much the federal authorities should reimburse him for the unimaginable torment of sharing a lavatory with the poor for a couple of years.

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Tuesday, 20 July 2010

Whine About This, Holmes, You Sexless Empty-Headed Jowly Cry-Baby

Talentless, simpering, dough-faced TV gutbucket Eamonn Holmes is probably in tears as he reads this unnecessarily spiteful and deeply personal attack, said the Nev Filter today.

The satirical website made its unwarranted slurs in response to the insipid suit-bursting nobody’s complaint to the BBC about a sketch on Jon Culshaw’s The Impressions Show, in which the boring breakfast TV and Sky News parasite was depicted eating a sofa, a jockey and a vase of flowers.

Inviting the nonsensically egotistic lardarse to do his worst, the Nev Filter expresses the opinion that it is sadly typical of the spineless drones who now infest BBC management suites to roll over and apologise for the cardinal sin of making a joke in a comedy programme.

“Come on, fatboy, do your worst - because I’m not retracting a single word,” Nev is quoted as saying. “Everybody knows the only reason you’re taking up sofa space on our screens is because your wife Ruth Langsford - whom producers mistakenly believe has some sort of MILF appeal – doesn’t dare leave you alone for five minutes in a house with a freezer full of bacon and oven chips.”

Media commentators agree that cannibal piggy Holmes will have to take his place in a long line of outraged self-important nonentities with a grievance against the Nev Filter.

“To give just one tragic example, national treasure Stephen Fry hasn’t stopped sobbing his lovably baggy eyes out after being taken to task for caring more about his collection of Apple toys than Chinese workers’ rights by some fat beardy internet troll in Plymouth,” says a BBC spokesman. “Shit.”

“On behalf of the BBC, I hereby offer an unequivocal grovelling apology to Nev for the outrageous and unjustified slur I’ve just made,” he adds.

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Russian Donkey Worriers Still Struggling With Finer Points Of Capitalism

Russians are still failing to grasp the key principles of capitalism a full twenty years after the collapse of the Soviet system, following an unfortunate flirtation with advertising which saw small children traumatised for life by a screaming donkey zooming over their heads.

The terrifying incident took place on the Sea of Azoles coast in the Krasidyot region, when the owners of a private beach strapped a donkey to a parachute and towed it aloft, convinced that its squeals of fright would in some way prove a subtle but irresistible draw to holidaymakers.

Animal-loving parents below were so outraged that they whipped out their cameras in dismay, filmed the donkey’s aerial torment and sent the deeply disturbing images to news channels with a shocked invoice.

“The donkey screamed and the children cried and the parents saw an opportunity to make a few easy roubles,” commented regional police spokesman Larisa Tuchkova, after footage of the parasailing donkey was aired. “No one had the brains to call the police. We could have shot it out of the sky whilst filming it all in HD, and split the profits 50/50.”

The businessmen responsible for the outrage – who may be prosecuted for animal cruelty, if officials can find any such law buried in Russia’s hastily-rewritten statute books – are still struggling to understand their error.

“Perhaps yowling donkey not really appropriate inducement for small children,” one of them told reporters. “Next week we try higher-pitched animal, like dolphin.”

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Monday, 19 July 2010

Cameron Invites Communities To Go Empower Themselves

David Cameron arrived in Liverpool today to launch his much-heralded ‘Bag Society’, in which all the services you pay for will be handed over to interfering old bags.

“This is all about empowering communities and empowering individuals,” the prime minister told a passing Scouse pigeon. “Believe me when I say I want to empower you bandy.”

Mr Cameron went on to tell a pair of fighting seagulls that he had a vision in which he would continue to help himself to the contents of your wallet, while a bunch of self-appointed busybodies with free time on their hands would apply their lack of appropriate skills and huge sense of their own importance to taking schools back to the good old days of rote-learning and the cane, replacing the library’s horrible video disc things with wholesome Enid Blyton books, shunting horrible new building projects out of their areas and into yours, nosing through your rubbish and arresting anyone they thought might be looking at them funny.

Several gentlemen of Liverpool then descended upon Mr Cameron, suggesting that he may wish to consider empowering himself sideways, before removing the wheels from his ministerial car and leaving him totally empowered up beyond all recognition.

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Hedge Funds Invent New Way To Make Life Intolerable

Hedge funds today began to implement their latest wheeze, which is to buy up the world’s entire food chain and amuse themselves by watching you offer increasingly desperate sums of money for it.

The latest inspired development in macroeconomics began this morning, when Armajerko fund manager Anthony Wad became the sole owner of all the cocoa in the world.

“Mmm,” smiled Mr Wad. “Just imagine five billion bars of tempting dark chocolate. Because that’s all you’ll be doing from now on, scum, unless you give me all your money.”

Other hedge funds are already reported to be circling the world’s cereal crops and the vast cattle ranches of South America whilst, elsewhere, fund managers were eagerly donning aqualungs to see if there were any significant fish stocks left worth monopolising.

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Sunday, 18 July 2010

Boeing Flatliner Finally Lands At Farnborough After Three-Year Delay

Plane spotters were thrilled by the first UK appearance of Boeing’s 787 - nicknamed the Flatliner - when the new airliner finally landed at the Farnborough Air Show after being slightly delayed by three years.

“I gotta tell ya straight - the 787 done missed its slot, back along when the airlines still had the cash to throw around,” confessed a Boeing sales rep called Hi I’m Bud. “It’s been in a holding pattern ever since, jes’ waitin’ for the global economy ta buck up. But after three years of goin’ round an’ round in circles, we hadda declare a fuel emergency - ‘cause if we wait any longer, we’ll never be able to pay for filling the damn thing up again.”

The Flatliner may look exactly like every other airliner since 1957 but, thanks to its flimsier construction, it uses slightly less fuel than the other airliners it looks exactly like, said Hi.

“Yessir!” he proclaimed, wiping beads of sweat from his brow as a middle-aged beardy man with binoculars wandered into Boeing’s lavish corporate hospitality tent. “When you’re savin’ 50 gallons on each and every flight, why, in no time at all you’ll recoup the $180m you laid out on this sleek mama! And boy, do we got crazy P-X deals to die for, or what? Did I say ‘die’? Atta air show, f’chrissakes? That shows ya how crazy I am! Tell ya what – why don’t ah take that rusty ol’ A380 clunker off yore hands for ya, buddy, an’ I’ll give ya a full 20% discount off the sticker price on the windshield! Whaddya say, ma friend? Do we got a deal?”

After some hard-headed bargaining, the determined Mr Hi finally made his sale.

“For the keys to my mum’s old Y-reg Daewoo, I’m walking away with a brand new intercontinental airliner,” chuckled a delighted Mr Martin Handasyde, 54. “But between you, me and the gatepost, all I was really after is this fantastic limited-edition ‘B-17 Flying Fortress’ flying jacket which he threw in as a sweetener.”

“I’m not actually 100% sure the Flatliner will fit in mum’s drive, to be honest,” he reflected, as Hi I’m Bud hastily zipped up the tent-flap. “Do you think I could mount it on a plinth in the back garden? It’ll give the neighbours something to look at.”

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