Saturday, 5 December 2009

Ingurlund Win World Cup

Jubilant football fans were still dancing in the streets today, after Ingurlund's stunning World Cup victory yesterday.

With the Ingurlund side drawn against Alaska, Sealand and Pluto in Group C of the tournament, the coveted cup is coming home to Ingurlund without the need for a single kick.

"How can we lose?" smiled team manager Fabio Capello. "The Alaskans have to float all the way to South Africa on an ice floe. The current's against them, the polar bear will be getting hungry and the ice will melt soon anyway. Even if they crossed the Atlantic safely, they'd only trip over their mukluks and die of heatstroke."

"As for Sealand - the abandoned artillery platform in the Channel which was occupied by a retired major who declared its independence in 1967 - they haven't actually had a football team since their ball went over the side in 2003 and floated away," he added. "And the Plutonian team won't reach Earth until 2012. Can I have the trophy now, please? I've cleared a place on the mantelpiece."

World Cup organisers have today sounded a note of caution, however, pointing out that the draw only covers the first round of the tournament - meaning that the victors of Group C will still have to play against other teams, some of whom are actually quite good and know what a goal looks like.

"It don't matter," yelled a drunken football fan lying in a gutter in Kentish Town. "After smashing the eskimoes, the pirate crew and the little green men, our brave boys will be so confident nuffink will stop 'em. Ingurlund! Ingurlund! Ingurlund!"

British People Unable To Speak Foreign Languages, Or For That Matter Native Language

Baroness Coussins opened an important Lords debate on modern languages yesterday, by screeching loudly whilst jumping up and down and waving a thigh bone.

Anthropologists in attendance say they believe the Baroness is attempting to communicate her concerns that the British people speak less foreign languages than any other nation, mainly because most of them have trouble getting to grips with their own native tongue.

"The British have long maintained that the bloody foreigners can jolly well learn to speak English if they wish to conduct international business," pointed out Baroness Coussins' keeper - a Pole - as he peeled her a banana. "Unfortunately for Britain, we did and we do. They didn't and they don't."

Wealthy overseas tourists on safari in Britain's concrete jungles report that the local wildlife spends much of its time grunting and strutting around with its colourful decorative hoods raised, in some form of exaggerated sexual display.

Friday, 4 December 2009

UFO Unit Closed By Reptile-Dominated Military

The worldwide web is in danger of crashing today, owing to the unprecedented levels of posting, blogging, Tweeting and trolling which have followed the Ministry of Defence announcement that it is closing down its UFO investigations unit and redeploying its bored staff member to duties less detrimental to his CV.

According to the world's estimated 175 million leading self-appointed UFO experts, the unit's closure has already been irrefutably linked to the Tiger Woods crash, the shooting of Guinean military leader Captain Moussa Dadis Camara, a meeting held by the Nepalese cabinet on Mount Everest, the banning of a strange malodorous man from a library in Leicestershire, the recent spate of Virgin broadband outages and the death of Dambusters actor Richard Todd.

"Everything in the entire world is part of a huge alien conspiracy," said veteran troll THEYAreComing - albeit originally in capital letters - in the comments section of a clip of meerkats on YouTube. "The MoD is completely infiltrated by shape-changing lizards of the New World Order, acting on the orders of Hitler's EU. This unit was logging thousands of calls every week reporting incontrovertible UFO sightings. And that's just the ones I was making."

"What really keeps me awake at night - apart from obsessively flaming all the moronic brainwashed sheep who dare to question my brilliantly-reasoned and exhaustively-researched arguments, which are supported by all rational scientific geniuses, not least David Icke - is the knowledge that 'they' know where I live, and I could now disappear at any time," he added. "And I mean permanently, not like when my 75-year-old mother shouts up the stairs to let me know that my eggy soldiers are ready and cut just the way I like them."

A spokesman for the MoD said that, after 60 years of looking in vain for flying saucers, greys, mothership, men in black, ladies in red, death stars, cloaked Klingon birds of prey and occupants of interplanetary most extraordinary craft, the government had decided to reassess its military priorities, culminating in the reassignment of the UFO unit's staff to ironing an unspecified general's medal ribbons.

"Don't listen to that paedo retard," urged THEYAreCOMING. "He just emailed me to beg me for gay sex. And he married his sister."

Don't Let Educated People Ruin Everything, Warns PM

A baying proletarian mob has surrounded top public school Eton, armed with firebrands, after prime minister Gordon Brown yesterday urged the nation to join him in a class war on public schools.

"The Right Honourable Leader of the Opposition is an overprivileged bag of horseshit," shouted the PM yesterday. "He went to Eton, which by definition makes him an enemy of the people. I urge the British public to twat him on sight."

"Public schools are nothing more or less than toff factories, churning out an endless stream of hardline Conservative upper-class twits who scoff quail's eggs and quaff champagne in their clubs as they brag to each other about how much they hate the working classes," he continued. "Need I give examples? Oh, all right then: Tam Dalyell, Ed Balls, Tony and Hilary Benn, Tony Blair, Stephen Byers, Charles Clarke, Ann Clywd, Alistair Darling, Michael Foot, Harriet Harman, Margaret Hodge, Geoff Hoon, Tessa Jowell, Ruth Kelly, Bob Marshall-Andrews, George Orwell, James Purnell and Keith Vaz."

"Whatever you do, don't trust these toffee-nosed Tories with the running of the country just because they know how to read," urged the grammar-school oik of a prime minister. "Educated people are smarmy know-alls who love to make you feel stupid. Just look at Eggheads on BBC2. Don't you just want to smash your fist into their smug faces? Trust me, you need some ignorant, semi-literate, pig-headed man of the people who thinks he knows a lot more than he does in the driving seat."

Other overprivileged, chinless bastards who have no concept of what it is like to be you include Bear Grylls, Adam & Joe, Helena Bonham-Carter, Peter Gabriel, John McCririck, Hugh Laurie, Robyn Hitchcock, Jeremy Paxman, Adam Hart-Davis, and me.

Wednesday, 2 December 2009

Home Secretary Explains Mental Health Issues

The home secretary, Alan Johnston, today defended his decision to hand harmless mentally-ill UFO hunter Gary McKinnon over to the Americans without any form of extradition hearing, explaining that the Americans were very, very cross about being made to look rather stupid by some loner in his bedroom and anyway, there is no such thing as Asperger's Syndrome.

"Look, I heard all about this old Asperger's skive when I was in charge of the Department for Work and Pensions," chuckled Mr Johnston. "Some bleeding-heart do-gooder from the National Autistic Society had the front to tell me it was an autistic spectrum disorder which seriously affects a person's perceptions and their ability to interact with others, and said that these people should be counted as disabled. Well, I told him it's a convenient excuse for bone-idle nerds to fiddle with their todgers all day long and whine that they're 'special', and sent the officious little twat away with a clip round the ear for trying it on. Who do these arseholes think they are, telling me my job? I don't need a bunch of hoity-toity doctors to tell me who's disabled - I've got a pair of eyes in my head, and if a doley's got two arms, two legs and a head that isn't dribbling down a bib, the bugger's fit for anything a Jobcentre advisor can strongarm them into."

"As for this McKinnon wanker, as far as I'm concerned if he can sit there hacking into 97 US government websites looking for little green men, he's more than capable of ringing up doolally pensioners and flogging them a new set of windows," he continued. "If he wants to take the piss by claiming to be loopy, he can go piss up a rope. Tell it to the American judge."

"So what if extraditing him under a dodgy one-sided treaty to the USA to face 60 years in a hellish penitentiary has threatened his comfort zone and left him suicidal?" sneered Mr Johnston. "Right now I'm out of my comfort zone, which is a nice corner table at Just St James with some tame hack from the Mirror picking up the tab, but am I slitting my wrists?"

"Get life, loser!" he added.

Nev Filter To Charge For Feeble News-Based Satire

Unpopular current affairs-based satirical blog The Nev Filter is to charge internet users for the privilege of shrugging their shoulders at its intemperate rants, announced proprietor Neville Shite today.

"Frankly, I'm sick of busting my considerable gut scouring the world's headlines for a piss-taking angle every day - or whenever I can be arsed - and getting sod-all in return, other than a hollow feeling of having ineffectually vented my spleen," he told himself over a cup of coffee this morning. "If the John Thomas Press can charge readers for the dubious privilege of checking the whippet-racing results on the Whitby Gazette website, I reckon I should be able to get away with demanding a quid for each painstakingly-researched diatribe."

"Readers will be directed to a completely bona fide payment site based in Ukraine," he explained, "Which will invite them to submit their credit card details, and offer them genuine penis-enlargement sweets on a daily basis."

The media mongrel then went on to say that the charges would be applied retrospectively for articles already read.

"I reckon you all owe me about £500 each," Nev told his readers. "Come on, cough up. I fancy some flying lessons."

Tuesday, 1 December 2009

Londoners Now 'At Shocking Levels'

London is now crammed so full of horrible, selfish bastards that non-Londoners often have to psych themselves up to travel there, according to a report published today.

"I got on the Tube this morning, and I was outraged to find other people in MY carriage," bellowed an insufferable shit from Islington, as he beat a ticket inspector senseless with a rolled-up copy of the Financial Times. "How DARE they?"

The report's authors found that many awful Londoners have developed strategies for making travel on the Underground as hellish as possible - including staring aggressively at the nearest passenger whilst rubbing their genitals, violently swinging a carrier bag containing a jagged sheet of armour plate, and spraying their armpits with stale urine.

The government also waded into the debate, pointing out that the influx of millions of foreign tourists for the 2012 Olympics should make life in London so unimaginably appalling that spending eternity in the fires of Hell would seem like a stroll in the Cotswolds.

A Transport for London spokesman said the organisation was spending billions of pounds on upgrading the network, replacing trains with approximately a quarter of a million single-seat 'Tube taxis' which can be hailed and ordered to go anywhere on the network, causing instant traffic chaos on the lines and bringing London to a standstill in seconds.

"Happy now?" he demanded. "Of course you aren't. Because you're Londoners."

Indifference Mounting For Insufferable Yachtie Pricks Seized By Iran

Britain is to tell Iran that it is more than welcome to keep five insufferable pricks and their toy sailing boat, but warn the Middle Eastern rogue state that in future it might want to restrict its hostage-taking activities to yachts without sails.

"We recognise that, as a pariah state, Iran is desperate to win friends," said a spokesman for the Foreign and Commonwealth Office today. "Certainly, the detention of five self-satisfied, tanned bastards - whose lives are so peachy they can afford to swan around in some so-called 'race' nobody would otherwise have ever heard of - will win Iran plenty of new friends in the lengthening dole queues of Britain, where people are having to decide between putting the heating on for an hour or boiling the kettle for a cup of tea."

"Smugly insulated from the sufferings of their compatriots as these yachtie twerps are, though, if President Ahmedinejad really wants to get the British people waving his posters in the streets, he ought to be sending his Revolutionary Guard dinghies to put a couple of torpedoes into the floating gin palaces operated by our major financial institutions," he continued. "And, frankly, if Lord Mandelson happened to be aboard at the time, the cheering would be heard all the way to Tehran."

"Or perhaps they could mount a seaborne invasion of Sark," he added. "If Iran wants to seize the Barclay brothers, I'm sure the Admiralty has charts and tide tables that would help enormously."

Sunday, 29 November 2009

Overconfident Coyote Allowed Bin Runner To Escape, Says Report

A hard-hitting Senate report concludes that a series of incompetent blunders by US Defense Secretary Wile E. Rumsfeld allowed his cheeky arch-enemy, Osama Bin Runner, to get clean away in 2001.

The report claims that when 100 US commandos had the pesky Bin Runner cornered in a remote, rocky wilderness with only one road in and out, rather than sending in more reinforcements as requested, the defense coyote instead saw fit to issue several lucrative contracts to Acme - a company with close ties to the Bush administration - for a long line of expensive technological solutions with wildly-unrealistic chances of success.

Unhindered by the Rumsfeld's ill-advised deployment of naval cannon, rocket cycles, dynamite-carrying arrows, unfeasibly quick-drying cement and grand pianos, the Bin Runner eventually escaped when the Rumsfeld rather stupidly painted a tunnel on an escarpment with a sign saying "Short Cut to Pakistan". As the confident Rumsfeld gave chase, the Bin Runner inexplicably escaped into the painting while his pursuer - predictably - ran at full tilt into the rockface, injuring himself further by setting off a small landslide.

"We now have no idea of that darned Bin Runner's whereabouts," said John Kerry, head of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee. "Is he in Pakistan's lawless tribal areas? Or is he hiding inside the cliff itself? We just don't know."

Wile E. Rumsfeld was unavailable for comment today, as has been plummeting to the bottom of a very deep canyon since the end of the Bush presidency. Several senators are now calling for the Obama administration to censure the former defense coyote, possibly by dropping a 1-ton anvil after him.

Answer To Hammerhead Shark Mystery Turns Out To Be The Bloody Obvious One

Scientists around the world fainted in amazement when colleagues finally revealed the answer to the greatest mystery in the universe.

"Ever since man first lowered his head into the oceans like a rilly long time ago, he has bent his every effort to solving one burning question, i.e. why would hammerhead sharks go round looking like that?" said Dr Michelle Strangelove of the Florida Sea World University.

"For years, religious leaders and mystics said God must have had His reasons, and great thinkers who questioned His infinite wisdom had an unfortunate tendency to, like, go on fire in those days," she told her baffled peers.

It was Galileo who first put forward the dangerous theory that having widely-spaced eyes might be some kind of aid to depth perception, which in turn might come in handy when trying to sneak up quickly on a tasty but agile morsel. As a result, he was confined to his house and cruelly denied a pet goldfish by the church authorities for the rest of his life.

With the dawning of the Age of Enlightenment, Sir Isaac Newton suggested that hammerhead sharks might be particularly adept at catching fallen apples on their tray-like heads and serving them to their pointy-headed friends - until he climbed on the shoulders of giants during a trip to the seaside and realised the scarcity of apple trees in the marine environment.

In Victorian times, the well-known naturist Charles Darwin speculated that the shark's wide, flattened head might be jolly useful for banging Nail-Arsed Dolphins into rocks. However, a century of expeditions by the Royal Navy, the National Geographic Society and Jacques Cousteau failed to produce a single Nail-Arsed Dolphin to back up the theory, which discredited it somewhat in the eyes of the scientific establishment.

"Would you believe, at the exact same time, the development of the rifled-bore cannon was greatly increasing the range of naval gunnery, leading to the invention of the stereoscopic rangefinder," pointed out Dr Strangelove. "With hindsight it seems remarkable that nobody like made the connection. But hey - why should they? Do sharks have guns? I don't think so!"

"Nevertheless, by waving pencils in front of hammerhead sharks, our high-turnover team of grad students discovered that they do in fact have like rilly good eyesight, which they use to surge forward without warning and accurately snatch the pencil from the researcher's fingers, right up to the elbows," she explained. "Now all we need is to devise some kind of corrective glasses with an exceptionally wide bridge - and maybe some way of fitting them to the world's hammerhead shark population - and swimmers and their pencils will never need to fear a dip in the ocean again."

"Now, I'd rilly like to find out the real reason why limpets have shells," she added. "Can I have some more money, please?"