Mythical Heroes Won't Save You, Says Archbishop of Canterbury

The Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr Rowan Williams, has used his Christmas sermon to tell the people not to waste their time waiting for larger-than-life heroes to bring comprehensive solutions to the ills of the world.

"Forget Superman, Batman, the X-Men, Hellboy, V, Klaatu, Watchmen, Jesus and so on because they don't exist," he told weeping churchgoers at Canterbury Cathedral. "Small and local gestures are more important - such as digging a deep hole in your back garden, stocking it with all your Christmas leftovers and sitting down with your huddled family members to wait for the impending end of the world."

Not to be outdone in dumbing down the sincerely-held religious beliefs of millions, the Archbishop of Wales called on people to heed the words of the prophet Nigella and have chips for lunch at Christmas, saying that the TV cook had revealed a "profound theological truth".

 "Well, what it is, you see, is that Christmas is not about perfection, viewed either from the human or divine perspective," said Dr Barry Morgan. "The trouble with us is that we are so hooked on looking for perfection that we are in danger of failing to understand the true meaning of this feast, isn't it? Now be a dear, Mrs. Evans, and pass the ketchup - there's lovely."

Meanwhile, the Archbishop of Liverpool (who is a Catholic Archbishop and therefore not really in the same league as the others, but it keeps the story going) told Scousers that the world was facing the "darkest night" - in the form of a strange, bat-like figure glimpsed leaping from building to building in the darkness.

"Who knows what this portends?" said the Most Unfeasibly Reverend and Maximally Unctious Patrick Kelly-Blimey-O'Reilly-Begorrah. "Only yesterday I saw the sky lit up with a beam of shining light, in the shape of a nasty, flappy bat. Is it perhaps a snarling fiend from the flaming pit, come to carry us all screaming down into the burning fires of Hell? Or - unlikely as it seems - could it be some kind of larger-than-life hero who will save us from the evil, grinning Joker in Number 10? Oi, you at the back there, laughing boy - are you gay? Fuck off out of my church, you cheeky mincing knob jockey."