Facebook Starting To Regret Jumping Without Parachute

So long, Zuckers

As it plummets earthward at increasing speed, Facebook is showing signs of having second thoughts about the wisdom of leaping heroically into the stock markets without the benefit of a parachute.

“We jumped under the impression that we were going to float off into the wild blue yonder, thanks to the remarkable self-inflating valuation designed for us by thrill-seeking underwriters, Acme Bank,” posted Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg breathlessly, as he rapidly approached terminal velocity. “But the dotcom boom we were hoping to land on is getting closer every second, and now I can distinctly make out the words ‘Class Action’.”

“It’s looking uncomfortably like we’re about to be splattered messily all over the front pages,” he shared moments later. “Goodbye, cool world.”

Facebook Addicts Refuse To Contemplate Switching To Google+

Armchair Environmentalists Looking Forward To Hubristic Nuclear Blast

Told you so

As the situation at Japan’s earthquake-hit Fukushima Number 1 nuclear power plant goes from bad to worse, Britain’s tree-hugging community were unable to contain their glee, delightedly posting glib ‘told-you-so’ messages to the world at large.

“When I heard there’d just been an explosion, I was all over the NHK website looking for a satisfyingly huge mushroom cloud that would pour black, irradiated rain down on the silly Japanese population, serving them all right for building nuclear power stations,” said someone on Facebook with a made-up name and a picture only they found amusing. “Unfortunately this explosion is a bit crap, but hopefully it’s only a matter of time.”

“Why oh why do evil power companies persist in building their deadly atomic bombs right next to the obvious supply of water to cool their reactor cores?” wailed somebody else who is apparently a glitterdaisy, whatever the hell that is. “It’s madness. I wouldn’t be in the least bit surprised if the earth didn’t send this earthquake just to show humankind its insane folly. Wake up, people! There’s less than twelve months to the end of the world, and if you’re not as gorgeously enlightened as me then you won’t be transformed into a pure thought-being made of concentrated love.”

“I’ll be smug and irritating again later,” she added, “First, I just need to set this awesome footage of fleeing cars being engulfed by a black wall of water to the Benny Hill chase music.”

Meanwhile, everyone who has friends or relatives anywhere on the farthest edges of the Pacific Ocean, or ever went there on holiday for a week, is busy racking up the caring brownie points by solicitously praying that everyone they know will somehow survive the cataclysmic six-inch tsunami rushing toward them.

Trees Much Cuddlier Than Crips, Says Public

Look at those lovely trees

As millions of Facebook users vented their anger at government plans to sell the 18% of British trees that it owns to salivating chainsaw enthusiasts, a disabled jobless registered a solitary, selfish vote in support of a petition condemning the government’s proposed cuts to the welfare budget.

“How dare he?” commented one outraged tree fan. “Trees are lovely. They give us all our air, and they look all nice and green. What have disableds ever done for us? Nothing. I wouldn’t mind so much if they just had even a hint of style, but God, just look at them. They always look like they’ve been catapulted through a charity shop. And they’re ugly.”

Another person who lives in a nice part of the countryside added, “I tried to hug a disabled with Asperger’s Syndrome once - because that’s the kind of wonderful caring person I am - and the ungrateful shit jumped out of his skin, gave me a creepy, cold look and walked away. Trees don’t walk away when you hug them. They love you unconditionally.”

An environmentalist posted: “Trees live for a very long time. Disabled people don’t. There simply is no comparison.”

“How dare some person in a wheelchair – a wheelchair I paid for, mind, with my hard-earned taxes – say I don’t care about the most vulnerable people in society?” complained a Guardian reader. “Of course I care about them, the whiny useless bastards. But they can speak for themselves, or at least squeak or grunt or use one of those hilarious drony things like Stephen Hawking. The poor trees can’t speak for themselves, though, which is why I have to bombard my friends’ newsfeeds at least twice a day with demands to sign online petitions to save the trees.”

London Bishop Apologises For Calling Royal Couple Poncy Facking Slaags

Not so facking funny now, is it bishop?

The Bishop of Willesden Junction, Pete ‘The Scalpel’ Broadbent, today issued a formal apology for any offence he may inadvertently have caused by telling his faithful Facebook flock that Prince William and his radiant bride-to-be were “a right pair of poncy facking slaags what won’t last five minutes, gawd knock me bandy if it ain’t the truth”.

“When I said that Prince William came from ‘a notorious so-called femm’ly of compulsive shaggers wot just kin’t keep it in their traahsis’, that was merely a misguided attempt on my part to remind my brothers and sisters in Christ of the blessed sanctity of the God-given institution of holy matrimony, innit,” stammered the black-eyed bishop, as he searched for missing teeth on the steps of his palace.

“Similarly, in stating that our glorious Queen, in whom God is most pleased, and her illustrious descendants ‘owed us bladdy pots and it’s collection time, know what I mean?’ I was merely making a pathetically wrong-headed effort to clarify the silly egalitarian views which I held until early this afternoon,” he mumbled through a split lip, “When Prince Philip turned up unannounced with the boys in blue from the Royal Protection Squad for a spot of Bible study.”

Nev Filter Not A Fan Of i bileve NEthing im told on facebok

Unpopular satire blog The Nev Filter today failed in its duty to join several Facebook groups and fan pages, after making the fatal mistake of thinking 'hang on a minute' before clicking the Join button and gleefully following whatever stupid or harmful instructions followed.

A spokesman for Facebook Brain Control Inc said that the company had received numerous complaints from spammers, hackers, con-artists and paranoid delusionists stating that the Nev Filter was selfishly blocking the development of the human race by pointedly refusing to participate in the evolutionary leap from Homo sapiens to Homo credens.

"After receiving numerous reports, we have set up a group called I BET I CAN GET 1,000,000 PPL 2 COMPLAN ABOUT THE NEV FILTER," he said. "I urge all obedient Facebook slaves to join this group immediately."

"I would also like to take this opportunity to point out that, filthy rich as we are from our lucrative advertising revenues, Facebook has no plans to force users to pay £14.99 or £3.99, or indeed to receive a sharp stick up the arse," he added. "Since that's just what we would say, isn't it, that should keep those fucktard-magnet groups ticking along nicely."

So far the Nev Filter has blatantly refused to honour its obligation to spread the viral wares of the legitimate spammers of the world, by stubbornly refusing to cut and paste a segment of incomprehensible Javascript.

"I appreciate that I am completely out of touch with the laid-back, trusting youth of today," admitted Neville Shite, the blogger who is now Facebook Enemy Number 1. "But when somebody promises me a free Dell laptop or a desperately-needed Dislike button in return for simply spamming 20 of my friends or hacking my own account, a little alarm bell goes off in the back of my devious, suspicion-riddled mind."

"I even started a group called 'u no i think ther may b bad ppl out ther'," he added. "Needless to say, within minutes a million hollow-eyed robots promptly joined it, and just as promptly forgot all about it. Go figure."

Facebook Cures Breast Cancer

The little-known medical condition known to specialists as breast cancer was today eradicated forever, after millions of breast owners united on social networking site Facebook to find a cure for the disease by telling everyone what colour their bra was.

Millions of stupid men logging on today were greeted by an apparently-inexplicable welter of one-word status updates, mainly 'black' or 'white'. Stupid, selfish men attempting to seek clarification were met with a hail of disapproval from irate breast owners, and castigated for their emotionally-stunted callousness.

Meanwhile, thousands of middle-aged housewives desperately tried to convince their friends that they were insatiable sexual athletes, by claiming that they were wearing a red bra.

The campaign - the inspired product of a brain-storming, nostril-destroying all-nighter at award-winning marketing solutions agency PoLLy WhaLLey DudaLL - has single-handedly succeeded in destroying the deadly cancer where decades of medical research and screening failed.

"The key conceptualising element was - if you'll deign to forgive the inescapable deploymentation of arcane marketing jargon here - 'Awareness'," said head sniffer Crispin WhaLLey, resplendent in the red tie and glasses of his profession. "Millions of innocent breast owners have been quite literally dying of tit rot every day, simply because they failed to prioritise the roll-out of a quasi-psychological bra strategy which identified recognition of fabric colour optimisation techniques as the essential driving force behind their perceptions of their physical selves as quintessentially sexual entities."

"By empowering them to confront the appropriacy of their scaffolding choices, through the viral co-optionment of Facebook as a meme-distribution analogue," he continued, "Our guerrilla campaign has ensured that no woman will ever again experience troubling concerns about the latent capacity of her funbags to send her to an early grave."

Linguistic experts say that Mr WhaLLey's statement may take years to decipher. However, the medical establishment agreed that the miracle of Facebook had indeed cured breast cancer forever - just as it has brought about an end to wars, racism, natural disasters and all the other horrid things in the world.

"My bra is blue," posted a confused woman, via mobile. "Are my tits going to drop off? God in heaven help me."

Millions of stupid, insensitive men have also been posting that last sentence to their Facebook profiles, or selfishly demanding that women meekly surrender their now-redundant mobile mammography trailers for conversion, to save their useless, ugly gonads.

Insurers Penalise Depressed Woman For Not Topping Herself

A clinically-depressed worker in Canada has had her sickness benefits cut by her insurers, after they accessed her Facebook page and found a photograph in which she was neither hanging by the neck from a length of electrical flex nor lying in a blood-soaked bath with her wrists slit.

"My doctor told me that the best way to deal with depression was to try to cheer myself up and think happy thoughts," protested a distraught Nathalie Blanchard, who has been on sick leave from employers IBM for a year.

"Balls," said a spokesman for insurers Manudeath. "The best way to deal with depression is to terminate your shitty life, preferably the day you receive your diagnosis. That would save us an awful lot of cash."

"We would urge any depressed policyholders not to fanny around with pathetic, namby-pamby cries for help," he added. "If you go to our website, you'll find all kinds of useful advice on how to ensure that your very first suicide bid will be a resounding success. When you feel like a total failure, that's an important goal - and it's one we're more than happy to expedite."

Meanwhile, a spokesman for Facebook cheerfully confirmed that the insurers had been granted permission to bypass Ms Blanchard's privacy settings.

"Our policy is to hand over everything you post to any company that asks for it, on the off-chance that it might prevent fraud or any other illegal activity," he told reporters. "That, of course, includes claiming sickness benefits to which you are legally entitled, and for which you have paid your premiums."

"After all, we faceless, impersonal corporations have to stick together," he added.

Irritating Facebook App Hailed As Future of Welsh Policing

The head of Dyfed-Powys Police has revealed that his officers regularly rely on Facebook's Horoscopes application to solve crimes, after a local paper reported that detectives followed up several leads supplied by psychic friends of a Lampeter murder victim.

Chief Constable Ian Arundale, who holds a master's degree in Criminology and Criminal Justice, told reporters from the Cambrian News: "Dyfed-Powys Police are proud to be working with the cutting edge of crime-fighting technology. At this very moment, the Geminis of the vice squad are raiding a chapel in Aberaeron, acting on reliable information that today is an opportunity to look for love in the most unexpected places. And I've got my best undercover Taurean staking out the station at Llanwrtyd Wells, acting on a hot tip-off that a new arrival could lead great changes in the life of a friend."

Mr Arundale also issued a frank appeal to the Welsh criminal fraternity to join his Mafia Wars gang, so he could progress to the next level.

Nobel Prize Goes To Sorry Bastards Responsible For Camera Phones

The Nobel Prize for the Debasement of Science has been awarded to the horrible, horrible pricks who made it possible for each and every self-obsessed dullard on the planet to clutter up the internet with thousands of deeply uninteresting photographs of themselves and their like-minded friends doing the yawn-inducingly tedious things that all easily-amused piss artists feel compelled to do whenever one of their number pulls out a camera phone, the Royal Swedish Academy of Sciences announced today.

"Before the invention of the Charge-Coupled Device, the only way to capture these mind-numbing moments of inanity was to take along a camera, loaded with film which cost money to buy and even more money to develop," said the Nobel committee. "This tended to inhibit their photography - partly because the film usually ran out before things got really pointless, and secondly because when the prints came back the owner of the camera had sobered up enough to realise that they'd thrown away another tenner.

"Thanks to the tireless research of Willard Boyle and George Smith, however, every pissed-up retard can now snap away with their CCD-equipped mobiles to their heart's content, and instantly post the gut-wrenchingly unfunny results to their Facebook profile without stopping for a moment to ask themselves why in God's name anybody in their right mind could possibly want to cast their eye over yet another herd of slack-jawed inebriates. We want the whole world to know the names of Boyle and Smith, and we urge anyone with a brain to crap in an envelope and post it to them without delay."

The prize was jointly awarded to Charles Kao, without whose work on fibre-optic cables the internet would be so slow that it would almost certainly be restricted solely to stuff that somebody might actually find at least slightly interesting.

'Bah' Says Archbishop

The head of the Roman Catholic Church in England and Wales, Archbishop Vincent Nichols has accused social networking sites such as Facebook of killing young people, claiming that teenagers - misled into accumulating "transient relationships" where quantity is more important than quality - can be forced to commit suicide when all their Facebook friends remove them because they failed to put an emoticon after the ironic comment they made about the BNP.

In an interview in the Sunday Times, the Archbishop of Westminster also took the opportunity to disapprove of every single aspect of life in the 21st century.

The Archbishop's views in full:

Clarification of assisted suicide laws: "Particularly worrying"
Footballers who transfer for higher salaries: "Mercenaries"
Mobile phones: "Dehumanising"
Facebook: "An invitation to your own funeral"
The internet: "Satan's sticky web of deceit"
MP3 players: "Like having the Gadarene swine running about in your head"
Freeview+: "Recording without tape is witchcraft"
Pop-up toasters: "The fiery pit of damnation in your own kitchen"
Sexual abuse by priests: "Courageous in facing up to their crimes, and we shouldn't overlook all the good they also did"

An increasingly purple-faced Archbishop Nichols also said that he found the rise of individualism in modern society to be particularly worrying.

"Individuality is a wicked myth propagated by the Prince of Darkness, which leads inexorably down the slippery slope to Protestants, Methodism and touching other men's bottoms," shuddered the 63-year-old primate, shaking his crozier in righteous indignation. "God created man for one purpose only - to cram themselves into churches and chant meaningless slogans in unison, preferably in a dead language they don't understand, while an elderly virgin tells them what to think about everything."

Some damned atheists have suggested that if the Archbishop wants to call people mercenaries, he might cast a critical eye at the swarms of 'private security consultants' operating above the law in Afghanistan and Iraq, instead of a fairly harmless bunch of overpaid dullards who occasionally kick a ball around a field in between visits to nightclubs.

Man Discovers Meaning of Strange New Word

A British man who was idly surfing the internet in the small hours of this morning was gratified to finally learn the meaning of a neologism whose precise definition had eluded him for some time.

"I spent a couple of harrowing hours last night on Facebook and Twitter, perusing a tidal wave of mawkish emotional incontinence about the life and death of Mackson Wackson that dribbled endlessly from the empty heads of millions of maudlin celebrity addicts," said the man, who did not wish to be named for fear of having his home burned down. "And I think I can say with confidence that I've finally nailed the exact meaning of the portmanteau word 'fucktards'."

Pope Swaps Promise of Next World For Triviality of Virtual World

Skipping boldly past the Age of Enlightenment, the Industrial Revolution and the rise of humanist thinking, the Pope has led the Roman Catholic Church forward into the digital age by joining the social networking site, Facebook.

The Vatican will be holding a World Communications Day tomorrow, said the secretary of its Social Communications Department, Monsignor Paul Tighe.

"Young people today are not turning to traditional media like newspapers, magazines and encyclicals any more for information, enlightenment and a crushing sense of guilt and fear," he screamed. "And we Catholic priests are very keen on young people, you know."

His Holiness has already been busy getting to grips with cyberspace, sending friend invitations to the 475 Jesus Christs already on Facebook. He is also busy filling the homepages of the web-wise faithful with a relentless barrage of half-assed quiz results.

So far, Pope Benedict has thrilled his loyal cyberflock with the good news that:

- he is Marge Simpson ("big on family values, and very traditional");

- his parents should have named him Annie ("You are nice, caring and you love being with your friends");

- the first person he will marry will have a name beginning with G ("VERY hot!");

- he has a 98% chance of surviving a Zombie infection ("You would be the one to survive, and bring more with you. No one can stop you!");

- he would be a good assassin ("Yes, of course! You are a fanatical, Nazi-trained heavy weapons expert");

- Jesus would think he was a shithead.

Government Keen To Like Your Status

The government has announced its aim of spying on users of social networking websites such as Facebook and MySpace, after it emerged that Gordon Brown has issued friend requests to every single user in Britain, all of whom instantly rejected him.

Home Office Minister Vernon Poaker told a Commons committee that the Prime Minister was a sad, lonely man whose one desperate wish in the whole wide world was simply to know what everyone was saying, doing and thinking at any given moment of the day and night.

"Imagine how you would feel if you really wanted a game of Scrabulous, but the only name on your friend list was George W Bush," said Mr Poaker sorrowfully. "Even Mr Brown's own Cabinet colleagues have blocked him."

"There is nothing even remotely sinister about the government having access to everybody's innermost thoughts," he reassured the public. "Mr Brown would be overjoyed to receive a group invitation to a flash-mob event just once in his tragic, empty life. He would love to invite fellow users to join his group for fans of pocket calculators. He is particularly proud of his original, late-seventies Casio fx81 with its original vinyl pouch - as anyone who joins will discover by browsing his thrilling photographs and an amusing video clip of its sticking '0' button, which has caused him no end of trouble over the years."

"Gordon is particularly keen to hear from anyone who owns a working Ti59 programmable, the Rolls-Royce of calculators in its day," added Mr Poaker. "Failing that, he would dearly love the population to complete his just-for-fun quiz, in which he asks what colour everyone's pants and shoes are, and whether they have ever expressed any opinions contrary to his own."

Facebook Temporarily Reassigns Hypothetical Future Ownership of Souls To Users

After an unprecedented outcry from many of its 175m victims, the social networking disease Facebook has backed down - for the time being - from its claims to own their mortal souls for all eternity.

The row began two weeks ago when Facebook altered its Terms of Service, allocating to itself the right to send people into every user's home and forcibly tattoo 'Property of Mark Zuckerberg' onto their foreheads.

Mr Zuckerberg, 5 - a stereotypical friendless nerd who originally founded the website as a means of keeping in touch with his other kindergarten playmates, oblivious to the fact they all hated him at first sight - pointed out that the precious content that people seemed to be getting so worked up about consisted mainly of trivial brainfarts about their drunken antics, trivial emotional upsets and peculiarly fact-resistant worldviews.

"As you drooling retards clearly can't make sense of a simple contract written in your own blood by my legal representative Mephistopheles, I have decided to withdraw it temporarily," snorted Mr Zuckerberg from his luxury dork-tank at the centre of the Earth. "I still retain the rights to the precious souls you cheerfully donated to me under the old contract - which, of course, you didn't bother to read, tee hee - but since you all seem to be getting so shirty about me owning you for all eternity, I'll gladly pass up on that particular claim for now. And later, as soon as your pathetic five-minute attention span has been distracted, I'll just reinstate it with the words in a slightly different order and backdate it," he added. "Happy now, morons? Nerk, nerk."

Millions of disgruntled Facebook addicts immediately celebrated their entirely imaginary victory, then went off to YouTube to laugh at a Muslim being publicly beheaded, or something.

All Wrongs Righted Forever By Facebook Event

Hundreds of concerned but simplistic Facebook users are marching today from one place to another as part of a protest organised through the popular social networking site, which is certain to ensure that no other child anywhere in the world with a single-letter name should ever again suffer the tragic fate of Baby P.

"Our group is Justice March for Baby P but we are not forgetting babies A-Z," declared Dolly Barton, one of the organisers. The group is seeking urgent - though unspecified - changes in child protection laws and social services, and begs supporters: "Please let's stop this happening again and again. A little stroll through town on Saturday should sort it."

The nationwide protests will culminate in the delivery of petitions to 10 Downing Street, demanding that the government act immediately to stop really bad things from ever happening again.

"What we want is... er... I dunno reely," said Plymouth marcher Sammy-Leanne, 19, who had left her three children at home in the care of a Playstation 2. "It's all the bloody Social's fault, yeah? They ort to take babies off child-murderers, right, before they like murder them and that, shouldn't they? Obvious."

The march is expected to save the lives of trillions of at-risk children - and all thanks to the mighty power of Facebook.