Friday, 29 July 2011

Murdoch To Find Everything You Enjoy And Take It All Away

Mr Murdoch will lock them away in his cupboard now
At-bay tycoon Rupert Murdoch has embarked on a spite-fuelled quest to track down all the things that make your miserable life bearable, take them away and break them, it emerged today as Sky Sports announced it had acquired the rights to broadcast Formula One races from 2012 onwards.

“Rupert Murdoch has clearly decided to take revenge on the fickle mob that has now turned against him,” explained Mr Murdoch’s interpreter, Robert Peston. “Any Formula One fans who obligingly open their wallets to Mr Murdoch can look forward to enhanced interactivity ruining the sport competely, such as voting on when to haul Lewis Hamilton in for a pit stop, and commentators distracting drivers with damned silly questions just as they’re about to attempt a tricky overtaking manoeuvre.”

“And this is only the beginning,” he warned. “Rupert Murdoch has made up his mind that, if his fate is to be hated, then he might as well go down in the history books as the most hated man who ever lived and damn the expense. So get ready to say goodbye to everything you hold dear, because you can be sure that Mr Murdoch is already stalking it with his cheque book at the ready.”

A spokesman for the BBC shrugged and said, “What could we do? It was either Formula One or Dr Who. Would you want to break it to your kids that the Doctor, Amy and Rory were killed off by a horrid old man with a face like a dingo’s scrotum?”

Cameron Bangs Wrists Together And Pushes Out Lower Lip At Senior Policeman

Will that be all, prime minister?
The war of words over the prime minister’s blue-sky thinking on police reform escalated today as David Cameron provocatively smacked his wrists together and pushed his tongue into his lower lip whilst shouting, “Hewwo, I’m Sir Hugh Orde” after the president of the Association of Chief Police Officers lambasted the PM’s proposals for importing foreign police chiefs as “simply stupid”.

Sir Hugh later responded to the prime minister’s taunts with impressive dignity, saying: “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but the words of a compulsive bedwetter who plays with himself constantly cannot hurt me.”

Thursday, 28 July 2011

But We Need £3500 PCs For Crysis 2, Retort Civil Servants

The computer says your benefits are suspended, mate
Civil servants have defended typical expenditures of up to £3500 on desktop computers, revealed today in a report by the Public Administration Select Committee, pointing out that Crysis 2 looks “the dog’s bollocks” on their awesome liquid-cooled Acer Predator Destroyer 2 PCs with 12Gb of RAM and Alienware OptX 3D-ready 23” monitors - adding that, without their Cyborg R.A.T. 9 gaming mice and Evo gaming seats with built-in joystick and gamepad, then they might as well go back to drawing noughts and crosses in ledger books with quill pens.

Parsimonious committee chairman Bernard Jenkin insists that the minimum spec for the dystopian alien shoot-em-up could easily be met by the simplest £400 laptop. However, the government’s head of IT procurement, Josh Geake, 22, pointed out that the likely frame rate of 10fps and minimal resolution would render the game unplayable, resulting in a serious degradation in morale within the civil service.

“Such ill-advised penny-pinching would inevitably result in a massive increase in pulling sickies, as entire government departments realised they might as well just stay at home banging away at the Xbox and PS3 versions,” he predicted gravely. “If the civil service is to maintain its traditional standards of excellence, then it has to – die, die, DIE you alien FUCKERS!”

Rick Astley To Resolve US Budget Deadlock

As the standoff between President Barack Obama and Republicans in the House of Representatives drags the United States inexorably closer to running out of cash to pay its bills, White House experts have invited lovable British pop veteran Rick Astley to apply his vocal talents to breaking the deadlock before the August 2 deadline.

“Ooh ooh,” commented Astley, 45, wasting no time in calling the warring factions together. “We're no strangers to love. You know the rules and so do I. A full commitment's what I'm thinking of. You wouldn't get this from any other guy. I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling
Gotta make you understand.”

House speaker John Boehnkers was clearly moved as 80s sensation Astley faithfully guaranteed never to give him up, let him down, run around, desert him, make him cry, tell a lie or hurt him. Turning to the president, Mr Astley went on: “We've known each other for so long. Your heart's been aching, but you're too shy to say it. Inside we both know what's been going on. We know the game and we're gonna play it.”

“And if you ask me how I'm feeling,” he added sagely, before making the same pledge to Mr Obama, “Don't tell me you're too blind to see.”

International credit rating agencies, meanwhile, stepped up efforts to ship giant ‘Closing Down - Everything Must Go!” billboards into the Washington area, ready for posting in front of federal buildings next Tuesday morning.

Wednesday, 27 July 2011

Leave Crips On Railway Lines, Says Mail, We’ll Soon See If They Can Walk

One way or another, one of these should cure the bastards
The Daily Mail has responded to the Work & Pensions Select Committee’s comments about negative reporting about the sick and disabled by urging its readers to push the first wheelchair-bound shirker they come across onto a busy railway track, preferably not more than five minutes before an intercity train is due to pass through at 100mph.

“The healing power of the right motivation cannot be underestimated,” said Middle England’s favourite newspaper. “You’ve all seen Little Britain, haven’t you? So you know these so-called paraplegics are just greedy parasites who have deliberately chosen to become too damned lazy even to wipe their own arses, cynically milking the honest sympathy of decent, hardworking taxpayers. Put them in front of a few hundred tons of speeding metal, and if you don’t enjoy the enlightening sight of them leaping, staggering or crawling for their parasitic lives we’ll refund you the cost of today’s Daily Mail.”

“Of course, we accept that we may lose a pound or two from our sales figures,” continued the front-page diatribe with undisguised glee. “But for every payment we make, we’ll take heart from the knowledge that we’ve saved the economy thousands of pounds a year in the cost of feeding another useless mouth. Heil Dacre.”

Determined not to be outdone by its rival, today’s Daily Express led with a suggestion that the mentally ill be used for cosmetic testing.

“Fucktards have eyes, don’t they?” screamed it’s front page. “It is an affront to civilisation that lovable flopsy bunnies are subjected to caustic chemicals and hacked to pieces in a dubious quest for arbitrary notions of beauty when there are mentals roaming free who, for all we know, might even enjoy having shampoo poured in their eyes. Who knows what goes on inside their sick, twisted minds? Or cares?”

Cosmetics Industry Told To Stop Fucking About With Photoshop And Promote Its Ground-Breaking Scientific Discoveries Instead

The Advertising Standards Authority has cracked down on the cosmetic industry’s widespread use of Photoshop to airbrush out even the faintest traces of organic imperfection from pictures of the celebrity owners of the world’s most perfect complexions, urging companies to put more emphasis instead on the revolutionary discoveries being made every day by white-coated geniuses with clipboards in their cutting-edge bioscience laboratories.

Waterfalls like this are vital scientific research tools
“When leading architects working at L’Oréal’s research station deep under the boulevards of Paris have found a way to shift women’s lashes in time - the fourth dimension - with magnets, isn’t Photoshop’s smudge tool a bit low-tech?” commented the ASA. “Remember, these extraordinary labs have also successfully isolated Pro-Retinol A from the rest of the alphabet, and millionized the humble brush. Isn’t that enough to convince people?”

The ASA also singled out Laboratoires Garnier for their Nobel prize-winning success in reinforcing active fruits, Olay for calculating the fiendishly abstract Wake-Me-Up formula to its last elusive digit and Lancôme’s astonishing reproduction of the aura, a phenomenon long thought to exist only in the imagination of hippies.

“Dyescoover fyusulf hoo th’ coosmehic yundusreh’s ympeccabool truck reckud yat th' cooten yedge uv syunteefuc yndivvur spyuks fur yitsulf aye,” said L’Oréal expert Cheryl Cole, stalling for time while her employers sent their graphics experts out to buy several dozen copies of Paint Shop Pro. “Kziuwoothet layk.”

Tuesday, 26 July 2011

Nick Clegg Patiently Waiting For A Party Invitation From Murdoch

Full details are emerging of the frequency with which Tory cabinet members came running when Rupert Murdoch snapped his fingers, often leaving deputy prime minister and Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg on his own for hours as he waits in vain to be invited to play with the all-powerful magnate’s little lad, James.

In his 15 months as Chancellor, for example, George Osborne has met executives from News International 16 times. Meanwhile, education secretary Michael Gove has been invited to dinner with his former employer Rupert Murdoch six times, also meeting senior Murdoch henchmen another six times. Mr Gove – whose wife’s career at News International, coincidentally, seems to be flourishing nicely – firmly insists that his honourable aim has always been to learn more about the miraculous educational techniques which have successfully burned the teachings of the Sun and the News Of The World into millions of Britain’s thick.

Nick Clegg informs his party that his nappy needs changing
Even Labour’s Ed Miliband has been summoned by the Murdochs 15 times since winning the Labour Party in a raffle, while poor Mr Clegg can only list a single occasion – in February 2011 – when then-CEO Rebekah Brooks rang him up out of boredom and ordered him to come over and amuse her.

“You’d think Nick might seize this moment to get up on his high horse, breaking up the coalition and forcing a general election which might just save his MPs’ sorry arses, tarring both Labour and the Conservatives with the taint of Murdoch, wouldn’t you?” said a Downing Street insider. “But of course he’ll just sit in his playpen as usual, filling his Pampers and watching Cbeebies. Remember that new chapter in British politics you all voted in last year? Well, there it is.”

Disability Assessments Not Entirely Perfect But Carry On Anyway, Says Select Committee

Clear evidence of correct apostrophe use - get a job, Einstein
The Work and Pensions Committee has published its report on the reassessments forced on the sick and disabled today – bravely arriving at the conclusion that, although they may well be rubbish and vulnerable people may well be genuinely suffering as a result, and given the unfortunate absence of any alternative suggestions in the report, the government might as well carry on with them.

“We have spoken to Atos, who carry out these ludicrous assessments, and we have spoken to the Department for Work and Pensions, who are greatly amused by them,” gushed committee chair Dame Anna Begg. “The general consensus seems to be that it’s a rotten system, but it’s our rotten system and we’re bloody well going to stick with it come hell or high water – and who are we, a mere parliamentary select committee, to disagree with them?”

“That’s not to say that we haven’t made important recommendations, however,” she added brightly. “For example, we recommended that the DWP penpushers stop simply rubber-stamping the computer’s usual assessment of disabled people as fully fit for work and take a brief look at the claimant’s file, and the department has given us its solemn assurance that somebody there will certainly read that paragraph in the fullness of time.”

“We also recommended that the media stop labelling all disabled people as a bunch of workshy scroungers,” she added. “No doubt you’ll notice how the papers have taken that on board tomorrow morning.”

Monday, 25 July 2011

Did Daily Mail Teach Norwegian Gunman To Spout Shite?

Thousands of pages of incoherent racist shite
British police are reported to be investigating the disturbing possibility that murderous right-wing gunman Anders Behrig Breitvik may have been a decent sort of chap until, on a fateful visit to the UK in 2002, he was introduced to a copy of the Daily Mail and thus acquired the deadly art of spouting reams of pernicious racist bollocks which couldn’t make less sense if you held it upside down and tried to read it in a mirror.

As calls mounted to classify the Daily Mail as a hatemongering organisation and shut it down immediately, unapologetic Mail spokesmen Chris Greenwood, Christian Gysin and Nick Fagge were keen to point out not only that the English Defence League has distanced itself from the far-right mass murderer, but also that EDL founder and ex-BNP activist Stephen Lennon was personally “sickened” by the attack - whilst somehow forgetting to mention that he would be in the dock himself later on the same day for using threatening, abusive or insulting behaviour as he led 100 Luton Town football hooligans in a massive street brawl.

His previous convictions for cocaine use and assault also somehow escaped the intrepid Mail investigators’ notice, in their frantic back-footed efforts to draw a clear distinction between savage foreign right-wing morons who go on murdering sprees, and respectable British right-wing morons who only dream of them.

Science Tantalisingly Close To Discovering What Makes British People Happy

Scientists in charge of the massive Large Hadron Collider beneath Switzerland and America’s smaller Tevatron particle accelerator both report that they are tantalisingly close to discovering the legendary missing particle which - according to their complex, abstract theories - would make British people happy.

One day science may even be able to crack Rick Wakeman
“We have been whizzing a representative member of the British public round and round at tremendous speeds for years, bombarding them with this, that and the other to no avail,” said CERN’s lead researcher, Dr. Marcel Amour-Étrange. “But two days ago we bunged in his mum and kids, a clean bill of health and a half-decent job with prospects, and for a few seconds we measured a brief wobble at the corners of his mouth which could be the first concrete evidence of a smile. It’s so small it’s hardly there at all, but there’s no other explanation for it unless he was stifling a belch. But he’s British, so I think it’s safe to discount that possibility.”

The Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory’s Dr Randy von Braun concurred: “We repeated the same procedure with our British test subject and we got the same result.”

“It’s a definite sign that British happiness may not just be a scientific wild goose chase leading nowhere,” he added hopefully. “Although such evidence as we’ve collected so far indicates that it may be incredibly short-lived, as in a fraction of a nanosecond she was back to normal, shouting at her kids to shut the fuck up for five minutes and worrying about looking older than 14 again.”

Sunday, 24 July 2011

Media Struggling To Come To Terms With Existence Of Norway

As Norwegian police continue to question far-right mass murderer Anders Behring Breivik over the senseless slaughter of 92 people, the world’s media are reduced to running Norwegian editorial posts through Google Translate while they try to locate the previously unreported country.
This might be Norway
London’s international airports are crowded with tabloid journalists desperate to locate the parents of assassinated children and demand - through their front doors, in the best traditions of the British press - to know how it feels to have their child gunned down by a right-wing loony.

“I’ve had all my jabs for tropical diseases, now for God’s sake somebody point me at a sobbing foreigner. The British public simply can’t take much more tactful Norwegian reflection,” slurred one hack at Heathrow, speaking for hundreds as he propped up the bar in Terminal One’s ‘Tin Goose’. “I’m just lubricating my throat so I can shout louder, because I read somewhere that Norwegians don’t have letterboxes in their mud huts.”

Meanwhile, stymied US reporters are shifting the search for Norway to the state of Wisconsin, on the strength of a tip-off from a Mr Yon Yonson who claims to work in a lumber mill there.

Cameron Asks Pete Doherty To Overdose ASAP

As Britain’s papers gratefully drop all coverage of the murky workings of Britain’s papers, in favour of blanket coverage of the fortuitously-timed death of Amy Winehouse just as the BBC aired allegations that illegal phone-hacking was also rife at the Sunday Mirror, prime minister David Cameron issued a heartfelt appeal to Pete Doherty – now the nation’s last remaining Troubled Singer – to pump his entire stash into a vein at the earliest opportunity.

Carpe diem, urges the PM
“The sad and sudden loss of Amy Winehouse in her prime serves as a timely reminder that there are bigger things in life than a prime minister’s relationship with a media tycoon,” a red-eyed Mr Cameron told enthusiastic reporters, as he placed an onion in his breast pocket. “At this time of national crisis, we should pause to ask ourselves whether ridiculous claims about the supposed power of one elderly American gentleman over Britain’s politicians are really more important than the tragic death of a young lady who was an inspiration to us all. Pete Doherty’s senseless death, preferably by Wednesday at the latest, would give the public even more cause to reflect on the things that really matter.”

To cheers from the assembled journalists, the prime minister went on to suggest that an all-out crèche massacre by tooled-up idiots from the English Defence League would be “an intolerable affront to civilised society, which would fill the papers magnificently until everyone forgets all about this spiteful little vendetta of petty tittle-tattle” against his good friend Mr Murdoch.