Saturday, 21 April 2012

Clarkson Explains Origins Of Extremism To Sun Readers

Sun readers are today benefitting from the wisdom of top ethnopolitical analyst Jeremy Clarkson, as he sagely informed them at £200 a word that chunky sweaters and pretty girls created the perfect environment for turning Anders Behring Breivik into a cold-blooded mass murderer.

Fortunately, according to Professor Clarkson, Britain - known for producing only big, thirsty cars and himself – lacks both the comfortable knitwear and the attractive women it takes to turn decent, Islamophobic Sun readers into child-slaughtering maniacs.

“If Norwegians had just had the basic decency to wear tight jeans and denim jackets and stuffed their faces with burgers, like normal folk do, this terrible tragedy would never have happened,” opined the renowned academic, adding: “Hitler – burger-dodging foreigner with attractive bird. Napoleon – denim-dodging foreigner with attractive bird. I rest my case, your honour.”

Meanwhile, on Page 3, attractive Sammi-Jo Potts, 18, explained to readers that she often had to remove her Arran sweater because it made her nipples itch.

Friday, 20 April 2012

Public Delighted To Support Business Recovery Through Self-Impoverishment

Ecstatic members of the public are dancing in the high streets today as retailers, betting shops, oil companies, banks, train operators, car manufacturers and the software industry continue to report ever-increasingly healthy profits.

“I’m proud to play my part, however small it may be, in returning the business community to the salad days they’ve come to expect as their divinely-ordained right,” one overjoyed Oxford Street shopper told reporters as she spent the last £140 of her card limit on a pair of sandals which are not quite the same colour as any of her other sandals. “Could the media industry do with a few quid? Here, take my purse.”

“We could have hung onto the SUV for another year, of course,” smiled her husband. “But Audi have just bought Ducati and running a top superbike racing team doesn’t come cheap, so I reckon they could do with a bit of a cash injection. I’ve just signed the kids over as deposit on a new A1. It’s a step down, of course, but with the kids off our hands we really don’t need a tank any more.”

“Of course, I’ve promised BP that I’ll rev the new car at every set of lights and drive it in the wrong gear whenever I can,” he added reassuringly. “After all, I wouldn’t want to dent their profits.”

“If we all just keep bankrupting ourselves for the greater good of the world’s boardrooms, I bet Britain will be booming again by Christmas,” cheered a bag-laden bystander. “And, you know, William Hill were more than happy to take that bet.”

Dummies Barred From Politics: Westminster Empty

Exhibit A, Your Honour
The arrest of an Aberdeen woman under the Representation Of The People Act, for the crime of entering her shop window dummy as a local election candidate, has left Britain in an unprecedented power vacuum after Scotland Yard raided the House of Commons.

The discovery, by Grampian Police, that a dummy cannot legally stand for election under UK law left the wind whistling through the deserted corridors of the Palace of Westminster, as the nation’s 650 MPs were unceremoniously flung into skips and carted off to Madame Tussauds to be melted down.

“There’s a bit of a debate going on about the exact legal status of the unelected dummies in the House of Lords, as many of them were placed there by the illegally-elected dummies,” admitted a spokesman for the Metropolitan Police. “As you might imagine, though, it’s indescribably tedious and nobody from our legal team has yet managed to stay awake.”

Thursday, 19 April 2012

Theresa May Wishes European Court A Merry Christmas

Home secretary Theresa May today wished the European Court of Human Rights a very merry Christmas and a happy new year – adding that she hoped, when it reconvenes in a fortnight after the festive break, it would readily agree that fundamentalist Islamic hate preacher and MI5’s former best friend Abu Qatada has hopelessly missed the deadline for appealing against deportation.

Mrs May has also sent ministerial Christmas cards out to bemused cabinet colleagues, civil servants and representatives of the legal industry, in which she congratulates Britain for putting its economic woes firmly behind it and winning all the gold medals in the Olympics.

Molotov Cocktail Not A Proper Bomb, Insists Ecclestone

As Team India staff begged Bernie Ecclestone to release them from indentured servitude and let them go home to their families after a petrol bomb narrowly missed them on a Bahrain motorway, the billionaire F1 microbe smoothly insisted that the Gulf state remains nothing less than a veritable oasis of love and harmony.

“A Molotov cocktail isn’t a real bomb at all,” he explained. “It’s more of a kid’s toy, actually.”

Mr Ecclestone decides to avoid the traffic jams
“What you have to understand is that Bahrain is sadly lacking in supervised play areas,” squeaked Mr Ecclestone from his luxury armoured personnel carrier. “The lovable local street urchins have to make their own entertainment with whatever they happen to find lying about. Since all the cash that used to float around on the breeze now belongs to me, that only leaves them with a giant underground lake of petrochemicals to amuse themselves with.”

“It’s just a bit of harmless fun,” he beamed indulgently as one of his APC’s eight wheels suddenly flew through the air with an entertaining bang, adding: “You cheeky little buggers! I know your dads!”

Wednesday, 18 April 2012

Fire Hose Up Arse Makes Cowell’s Dead Eyes Revolve Like Fruit-Machine Reels

Cowell's enema face
According to the must-read book serialisation of the century, brought to a grateful and eager nation by the Sun, Simon Cowell’s soulless cadaver is routinely reanimated by the appliance of high-pressure water hoses to the rectum of his decaying corpse.

“Every Saturday morning we receive a hoarse, rasping call from beyond, requesting the urgent services of a water appliance at a residential property in West London,” explained a spokesman for the London Fire Brigade. “It may seem a gross misuse of our resources to pump 600psi up Simon Cowell’s jacksie until laser beams shoot out of his eyes, but the lads have checked the small print of their employment contracts and, technically, bringing the Lord of TV Darkness back from the underworld counts as a lifesaving act.”

“Our crews were never trained to handle a situation as traumatic as this. The chief’s recommending the poor buggers for bravery medals,” he said, adding: “If Cowell kept a Minogue handy in a glass case, he wouldn’t need our help at all.”

Depp and Portman Sign For Help In McCartney Hostage Video

After studying the latest video footage from supervillian Paul McCartney, sign language experts today confirmed that Hollywood actors Johnny Depp and Natalie Portman, whilst pretending to comply with his sick demands, are heroically issuing cleverly-coded messages of defiance instead.

In his cruel video message, evil mastermind McCartney forces his captives to sign the words of ‘My Valentine’, his latest hysterical threat to world peace. However, the resourceful Depp brilliantly subverts his tormentor’s twisted message by signing ‘enemy’ instead of declaring his love for the aged Scouse maniac - whilst Portman, movingly, begs Western leaders to parachute in a fresh supply of humanitarian jam rags.

Depp: "Kill me. Kill me now"
“Our brave boy and girl have highlighted the sheer hypocrisy of McCartney,” explained an expert in being deaf. “By exploiting the differences between American and British Sign Language, they have fearlessly exposed his cynical ignorance of the very issue he professes to care so deeply about.”

"What gives McCartney the right to inflict his nonsense on deaf people too?" he demanded plaintively. “When will the UN authorise the use of force?”

Monday, 16 April 2012

ITV Launches ‘Celebrity Knocking Shop’

The Saturday evening ratings war today entered a frightening new ‘shock and awe’ phase, with ITV bosses hoping to smash BBC1’s The Arse with Simon Cowell’s ultra-raunchy, no-holes-barred Celebrity Knocking Shop.

“The idea first came to me in 2007, as I was surreptitiously working my hand up Dannii Minogue in front of ten million viewers while Leon Jackson got her in the mood,” explained TV’s leading starfucker. “I thought to myself, ‘Crikey, we could get a fantastic climax if the desk suddenly fell away.’ I’m sure Dannii would have been up for it, although I never actually spoke to her about it.”

Mr Cowell and a fearsome-looking sex toy
“I never spoke to her at all, actually,” he added. “Her irritating yap would only have distracted me from coating her hair, her sexy clothes and her rubber tits with ‘Simon’s wonder drops’.”

Cowell later researched the potential of his new ratings magnet, he revealed proudly, by wearing Cheryl Cole as a cocksleeve in front of Natalie Imbruglia and handing her a questionnaire.

Deluded members of the public will be invited to sing, dance and play piano on Celebrity Knocking Shop in order to inflate Mr Cowell’s sack to bursting point, whilst he bangs his way through the celebrity C-list.

A defiant BBC spokesman later commented that Tom Jones was definitely up for tugging furiously at ‘Little Tom’ whilst imagining naked showbiz novices gyrating lasciviously behind him.

“In fact, he’s been doing it for weeks already,” he elaborated.

Governments Want To Know Everything About You, Warns Google Founder, And They Haven’t Offered Me Nearly Enough

The computer is your friend! Stay alert! Trust no one!
Google’s co-founder Sergey Grim today issued a stark warning to internet users that sinister government agencies are desperately keen to know all about every last detail of your lives but, to date, have not yet succeeded in offering the cuddly, lovable corporation you love sufficient cash for the intimate information your best friend the browser has been quietly collecting about you for years.

In an exclusive interview with a screaming Guardian reporter, Mr Grim helpfully explained that a sinister coalition of MI5, MI6, MIB, Mossad, the Bilderburg Group, evil record company illuminati, Apple and Facebook is secretly plotting to use your most private personal data for purposes other than innocent corporate marketing.

“Listen to my voice and believe,” urged Mr Grim hypnotically through sub-audio waveforms, matched precisely to your personal brain harmonics, encoded into your search engine. “Google is your friend. Trust only Google. Tell me your innermost hopes and dreams. If you represent a commercial organisation, call now for today’s hot data deals.”

Sunday, 15 April 2012

That Philanthropists’ Begging Letter To The Nev Filter In Full

Nev, sir – It may come as a surprise to your readers – and indeed the government - to learn that the government was, in ways which it is regrettably beyond the scope of this letter to describe, making progress in encouraging us to pass more of our loot through a charity. The insane proposal in the Budget to cap tax avoidance is nothing less than a full-scale war of extermination on philanthropy that would deter Our Good Lord Himself, if He hadn’t been such a raggedy-arsed pauper. It is confusing and dispiriting, and we all feel really depressed. We urge the Prime Minister and the twerp next door to back off pronto, or we’ll switch our main domiciles to Monaco and then they’ll be sorry.

We choose to invest in charities for a variety of reasons: we may have been touched by an issue which reminds us that, tragically, we are as mortal as the unwashed herd; we may be amused to support the development, access to and pickling of Tracey Emin; or we may just wish to give something back to our own little community.

None of us view tax relief as a primary motive, cross our hearts and hope to die (although it may substantially increase our donations until the rebate matches the unspeakably communist 50% rate of income tax). But it is an important signal that the decision to use wealth to help ourselves is recognised, encouraged and supported by society. You see, we only do it to make people love us. Seems they don’t. Fuck ‘em.

All tax reliefs are granted on the basis that the money is spent on charitable purposes and, fortuitously, this happens to be rather liberally interpreted by the Charity Commission. And there are certainly some jolly deserving charities out there which receive precious little consideration from an ignorant and jealous Johnny Public, such as the old alma mater and our family trust funds.

The current proposal will undermine the motivation to give generously in order to receive generously, and we will deprive charities of much-needed funds if comrade Osborne doesn’t resign immediately. Bloody cheek.

Mr Thomas Huge-Rebates 
The Mrs Thomas Huge-Rebates Foundation
The Hon Agatha, Lady Tabitha and The Hon Bagatha Sainsbury
The 3-for-2 Guineas Trust
Mr Grant Relief
The High Society Donor-Charity-HMRC-Donor Circle
Sir David Schoolfees 
The Schoolfees Fund
Mr Miklos Ferens 
The Miklos Ferens (Eastern Europe) Laundry Network