Cameron Defeats Tax Fiddles 1-0 With Well-Aimed Kicking Of The Unemployed

Pubs all over England erupted in frenzied cheers today as David Cameron, the legendary right-winger in the number 10 shirt, led his dream team of millionaires to victory with a beautifully-timed kick to the unemployed.

“The lads have been feeling sick as a parrot lately, what with all these intrusive stories in the papers lately about their tax lives,” admitted an ecstatic Mr Cameron, after being carried around the stadium by delighted fellow players including Sir Chris Hoy, Gary Barlow and Jimmy Carr. “But when I suddenly saw the ball coming my way, I knew I had no option but to boot it clean through the back of the welfare safety net. I reckon my old dad would be proud of me.”

Balls to the unemployed

“It’s a funny old game. One minute you’re down, the next you’re up,” grinned spud-faced bad boy Jimmy Carr – back on side after, only days earlier, earning himself a stern talking-to from his captain for bringing their game into disrepute and feigning injury. “But it doesn’t matter, because this shows our critics that we just can’t lose.”

“We’re gutted,” moaned the jobless. “It doesn’t matter what we do, we just keep losing and losing and losing. These guys are in a different league altogether.”

All over the country, meanwhile, manual workers on council estates and middle-class housewives alike are deliriously chanting the same happy song to their unemployed neighbours: “You’re going down!”

Business Leaders Keen To Build On Jubilee Legacy Of Forced Labour

Easier on the eye than some lardy PCSO

The Institute of Directors today urged Britain to capitalise on the legacy of the Royal Jubilee, demanding a bill to repeal the abolition of slavery.

“This glorious national celebration has demonstrated to the world that the great British public really doesn’t give a rat’s arse about the unemployed,” crowed the business forum. “While they were proudly draping their tits and arses with their national flag, dolescum rounded up from the arse end of the country were shivering under London Bridge, prior to being frogmarched out to supply the illusion of security free, gratis and for nothing. What a stirring reminder to the world of the glory days when Great Britain used to dominate the lucrative slave trade.”

“Also, we’ve put 10,494 miles of bunting on eBay, starting at 99p - perfect if you’re planning a bit of a do,” it added. “Bit damp, but it’s got nine days to dry out - it’ll be good as new.”

Meanwhile, scowling killjoy Lord Prescott insulted the Queen and threatened the future prosperity of the nation by sulkily demanding some sort of wishy-washy, hand-wringing inquiry into why the slaves were left huddling under the bridge in the chill of the night - but not into why they were forced to work for nothing, because that was introduced by Labour.

Milburn Strangely Silent On Eton Alumni Seeking Glittering Careers In Call Centres

Puzzled ministers are today rechecking government advisor Alan Milburn’s progress report on social mobility, amidst concerns that a key section on downward mobility may have been inadvertently omitted due to a printing error.

I say, do get those call-time averages down, chaps

“There’s chapter after chapter bemoaning the continued reluctance of employers in the fields of law, medicine and journalism to recruit the brightest chavs directly from their inner-city sink battlezones,” exclaimed baffled employment minister Chris Grayling. “Yet I can’t seem to find a single pie chart showing any rise in public-school entry into the hallowed ranks of cold-calling professionals.”

Mr Milburn is strangely short on detail, too, regarding the number of bankers’ sons and daughters planning a meteoric rise through retail display logistics, cherry-picking the most lucrative apprenticeships in boiler maintenance or rushing to enlist in the infantry.

“I’m quite sure that Mr Milburn must have plenty to say about the main political parties, concerning the tragically ongoing shortage of MPs who have ever done an day’s honest toil in their lives, considering that he used to be a postman himself,” sneered a top Whitehall mandarin. “Perhaps he delivered that bit to the wrong printers.”

‘Sandwich-Board Jobseeker’ Bollocks Celebrates Diamond Jubilee

Millions of cheering British employers took to the streets today to celebrate the 60th anniversary of the Daily Mail’s traditional ‘Desperate Jobseeker Dons Sandwich Board’ story.

60 glorious years

The much-loved national institution – in which the Associated Newspapers group patriotically does its bit for the unemployment figures by hiring an out-of-work drama graduate for a half-hour photoshoot – went walkabout on an M5 slip-road near Bromsgrove, which marks the farthest visit to the north ever made by a serving Mail photographer.

“In these uncertain times of global recession, when competition for jobs is fierce, it’s reassuring to the cunts who read the Mail to fondly imagine that, if they lost their jobs – through no fault of their own, naturally - they, too, would surely win through with the same bulldog spirit personified by our iconic middle-class jobhunter, while the sink-estate dolescum who infest our Jobcentres stuff their guts with KFC buckets in front of The Jeremy Kyle Show,” explained Associated Newspapers’ tormentor-in-chief Paul Dacre. “Times may change, but the time-honoured social hierarchy of unemployment keeps soldiering on. God bless it.”

Elsewhere in the Mail, it was revealed that the government plans to fine editors up to £1.00 if they persist in dumping rubbish all over their pages.

Employers To Regain Right To Fondle Your Breasts

In the middle of his hectic sightseeing schedule in Chicago, David Cameron insisted that Britain will only regain its rightful position as the dominant power on Earth when your boss is given back his God-given right to place his hand down your blouse and rub your nipples.

Keep that uniform damp, Miss Travers

“My good chum and tennis partner, Adrian Beecroft, is quite right to point out that, instead of being tied up in silly red tape, employers’ hands must be free to wander where they will,” said the PM, taking time out from his search for the upmarket restaurant where his hero, Ferris Bueller, famously pretended to be Abe Froman, the sausage king of Chicago.

Among other plainly daft socialist-inspired employment laws in urgent need of repeal - continued Mr Cameron, as he clambered onto a parade float to sing Twist and Shout - were the silly ban on giving underlings a good kick in the seat of the pants, tiresome compensation claims when they lose a limb after needlessly expensive safety equipment is removed, and the inexplicable proscription on executing menials who fail to tug their forelocks swiftly enough.

Civil War Inevitable If Theresa May Orders Us To Lose Weight, Warn Police Gutbuckets

Sgt Crusher Harvey: the fat blue line

Britain’s flabby upholders of justice solemnly warned home secretary Theresa May today that the rule of law would collapse overnight if they were forced to reduce their pie intake.

“Our police force is admired and replicated throughout the world, from Bahrain to Kazakhstan,” spluttered Police Federation chairman Paul McKeever between mouthfuls. “We are seeing proposals that will fundamentally change the dynamics of policing. For example, the Durham Constabulary’s legendary interrogator, ‘Crusher’ Harvey, couldn’t have inflicted half as much agony if he lacked the necessary 30 stone to put behind his superb arm-wrenching interview technique.”

Rank-and-file members also warn that the infrastructure to implement change is totally lacking - pointing out that, unless thousands of new uniforms are available, slimmed-down officers trying to give chase whilst holding up their 60-inch trousers will be just as incapable of catching criminals as when they were lumbering fat bastards.

“As for requiring officers to study for A-levels and acquire skills in order to gain promotion, that’s just ludicrous,” added Mr McKeever, spraying crumbs indignantly. “How can our lardy lads possibly be expected to learn anything unless they’re regularly rewarded with mouth-watering takeaways?”

Ofsted To Teach Heads Real Meaning Of Stress By Arming Pupils With AK47s, Rocket Launchers, Explosives

The head of schools inspectorate Ofsted has scoffed at teachers’ claims that their jobs are stressful - reminding them that his granddad spent four years down a hole in France with the Imperial German Army lobbing 50,000 shells a day at him, yet woke up screaming just once a week for the rest of his life.

In the old days, Sir Michael would have had the blighters shot

“Our brave lads in Afghanistan can tell these whining civilian blackboard-wallahs a thing or two about stress, dammit,” roared General Sir Michael Wilshaw, as he infiltrated a school playground in Wolverhampton.

“Right-o, chaps, gather round and I’ll put you in the picture,” he explained crisply. “Miss Chalmers, the flat-chested head of humanities, has been sent to patrol the Low Hill estate in her Fiesta, with ‘Dorky’ Dawson the art assistant riding shotgun. They’re in your homeland, and they’ve got no bally business there. What are you chaps going to do about that, eh?”

As hordes of latchkey kids enthusiastically looted Sir Michael’s arms dump, the outspoken chief of school inspectors insisted that the impending massacre would “toughen these gutless teacher johnnies up, put some bloody backbone into them and make them jolly proud to be in the front line and serving their country, what?”

Scrounger With Doctor-Baffling ‘Back Problems’ To Investigate A4e For Cash-In-Hand

Mr Wiggins is always keen to 'help a mate out' for cash

‘Hooky’ Wiggins, a 42-year-old lifelong doley plagued by chronic back pain whenever it suits him, has been appointed to head a crack team of expert wasters appointed by the government to look into fresh claims of systemic fraud at profit-from-welfare business A4e.

The investigators, who are to be recruited from the ranks of long-term skivers in handy-excuse blackspots like Liverpool and… well, OK, just Liverpool, are expected to leave no stone turned in their half-arsed quest for something medically indistinguishable from the truth about the dubious practices of A4e’s wayward consultants.

“Benefit fraud is costing this country hundreds of thousands of billions of pounds every day, probably,” fumed No Work or Pensions Secretary Iä Duncan Smith, the black goat of the woods with a thousand young. “These feckless, workshy bastards are perfectly capable of reporting A4e’s dodgy tricks, if they put their backs into it.”

At this point a terrific stage groan shook windows all over the North of England, emanating from an epicentre thought to be somewhere in Bootle. A4e immediately submitted a tender document to the DnWnP, offering to sort out the noise for the usual fee, no questions asked.

Disability Nearly Abolished

Soon you won't have to look  the other way ever again

Government plans to make disability a thing of the past are well ahead of schedule, according to delighted officials at the Department for No Work Or Pensions, as figures were released showing that 37% of Britain’s unsightly, unaffordable disableds have already been cured by a simple but miraculous interview.

“All our wildest hopes have been exceeded,” commented pioneering doctor Iain Duncan Smith. “Disability, you see, is simply a matter of perception - and Atos Medical’s teams of dedicated nine-to-five doctors and nurses have conclusively proved that all you have to do is stop believing the disabled and hey presto! Suddenly they’re not disabled any more.”

“Despite gloomy predictions from the National Audit Office of no more than a 6% cure, I dared to think that 25% could be achieved,” he enthused. “But to have hit 37% in the space of a year strongly suggests there is every likelihood of removing disabled people from our society for good.”

“And just in time for the next general election, too,” he smiled. “Which is more than anyone could have hoped for.”

Indigenous Brazilian Tribes Delighted To Find Out They’re Worth More Than Me

Remote tribes in the rainforest-covered uplands of Brazil are celebrating their new-found economic importance today, after learning that they are officially worth more than I am now that Brazil has overtaken Britain as the world’s sixth-largest economy.

A Brazilian tries in vain to provide me with motivation

“Eat this, loser!” smirked Amilcar López, a Xucuru shaman with a private practice halfway up a mountain in Pernambuco state. “I’ve just been approved for 0% finance on a brand new Jeep Wrangler. Enjoy your bus journey to the Jobcentre, Nev, you useless waster.”

José Rodrigues, a self-employed parrot hunter who lives in his own tree, told the Nev Filter that - unlike its writer/editor - he will be sunning himself on a beach in Australia next month, because he has a credit card.

“For god’s sake do something productive with your life,” he advised. “Why don’t you get off your fat arse and make yourself a blowpipe?”

I was unavailable for comment.

Government Buys Good News From Nissan

Japanese car giant Nissan today officially unveiled £9.3m of feelgood publicity for the government, marking a sharp turnaround in the coalition’s fortunes.

Inviting ridicule

“Thanks to a £9.3m investment from Vince Cable, we are pleased to announce that 400 Geordies will be allowed into our plant to watch our robots building our exciting new egg on wheels,” said Trevor Mann, Nissan’s senior vice-president for manufacturing in Europe, at the Geneva Motor Show. “This will also create another 1600 jobs among our suppliers, so China’s happy too.”

“This is great news for the government and well worth every penny I paid for it,” declared Mr Cable brightly.

Not to be outdone, however, managers at Rio Tinto Alcan gave the government some publicity by announcing, at no cost to the taxpayer, that 500 jobs will be lost 30 miles down the road in Lynemouth when it closes its aluminium smelter.

Tesco Boss Defends ’20,000 Jobs For The Price Of 8’ Promotion

This is what 100 jobs look like to Mr Brasher

Retail megalomaniac Tesco is being uncharacteristically defensive today, in the light of widespread scepticism which greeted its boastful prediction that 20,000 glorious jobs would somehow be magically created by the opening of two wardrobe-sized Tesco Express convenience stores in Peebles and Renfrewshire.

“No, really, these are 100% genuine jobs on offer,” insisted a sweating CEO Richard Brasher. “We’ll need two till operatives, an assistant manager and a shelf-stacking apprentice in each shop. That’s four jobs across two stores, making a total of 8 - and they’re full-time-equivalent, so that’s actually 400 part-time jobs. Across two stores, remember, so that’s 800. Factor in the turnover as students come and go in September, and you’ve got 1600, i.e. 3200 beteween the two. Then there’s replacing all the staff who retire, die in harness or get the sack for not licking the floor clean enough - that’s easily another 3200 per store, which I’m sure you’ll agree makes a subtotal of 6400. Obviously, these in-store jobs also require support staff at head office – another 6400 – not forgetting, of course, the same number of warehouse employees.”

“So, er, I make that 19,200,” coughed Mr Brasher, as he hailed a passing taxi and jumped in through a window before it stopped moving. “That’s near as dammit, surely? The other 800 posts probably involve existing staff going on some noddy training course for an afternoon or something, which I’m sure you all agree is a job in itself.”

“Every little lie helps,” he called shamelessly, as he sped off to steal forty-seven fucking pence off you for a loaf of medium-sliced chipboard and call that ‘Value’.

Princess Beatrice Slightly Disappointed With Work Experience Offer

She'll fit right in

HRH Princess Beatrice of York, who graduated last year with a useless history degree, is finding that her dreams of a glittering career in the rag trade may have to be put on hold for a while, after discovering that the only work experience the Chadwick Street Jobcentre could offer her involves stocking shelves in a pound shop on the deeply unfashionable side of the Thames.

“I’m sure we can teach Beatrice some great skills to fill out her CV,” commented shop manager Chopak Singh. “If she’s set her heart on working with commoners, they certainly don’t get any commoner than the dead-eyed human wreckage that lurches in here every day.”

“And don’t get me started about the customers,” he added with a shudder.

U-Turn On Non-Existent Sanctions To Topple Government

Turns out it wasn't such a bad idea after all

David Cameron’s coalition government is balanced precariously on the brink of collapse today after being forced into an humiliating U-turn - announcing the abolition of work-experience sanctions which, it insisted, never existed in the first place.

“Due entirely to a miserable little non-campaign by a tiny number of diehard Stalinists, I am pleased to announce that dolescum who are warmly recommended by the Jobcentre to report to the nearest supermarket, if they know what’s good for them, for a two-month crash course in placing jam in neat little rows will no longer face the imaginary threat of losing their benefits should they fail to be absolutely delighted by the CV-enhancing skillset which they are acquiring,” mumbled employment minister Chris Grayling yesterday, as floods of Britain’s biggest employers swiftly dropped the scheme like a live rattlesnake.

Leading political commentators agree that the government has been fatally weakened by its craven abolition of the non-existent penalty, and are confidently predicting a vote of no confidence in the coalition - forcing an emasculated David Cameron to call a snap election which will see the Socialist Workers’ Party swept into everlasting power on a tidal wave of proletarian enthusiasm.

‘I Thought Grumio And Clemens Volunteered To Serve My Household To Gain Vital Workplace Skills,’ Claims Shocked Caecilius

Caecilius poenitens est

Lucius Caecilius Iucundus, the head of a wealthy Pompeiian household familiar to generations of young Latin scholars, has told scribes how shocked he was to learn from plebeians - who burst into his atrium yesterday and occupied his triclinium - that he has never actually paid his villa workers Grumio and Clemens a single denarius for their services.

“Many years ago I came home after hard day’s counting money at the office, to find these two young people had moved into a cubiculum at the back of the villa,” said Caecilius. “My dear wife Metella convinced me that they came knocking on our door one day, desperately keen to gain vital 24-hour-a-day experience in a typical domestic workplace environment. Imagine my horror when some poetry-scribbling dole scrounger - who was squatting in my favourite lectus - shouted that my wife had in fact bought them, body and soul, in a Slavecentreplus auction.”

“Naturally, I intend to start paying these key members of my household staff ten sesterces a week for their valuable services, starting the day after tomorrow,” he offered. “Although I reserve the right to make deductions from Grumio’s salary for drinking me out of house and home as he cooks my dinner. And I also reserve the right to beat him severely. That's my commitment to furthering his education.”

“I never spoke to them, except to give them an order, so I can solemnly swear in the names of all the gods that I never had the faintest idea they weren’t in my household of their own free will, nor that I never paid them a thing for all their labours,” insisted a red-faced Caecilius. “May the earth split open and swallow me if it’s not true.”

Human Resources Managers Still No Closer To Understanding That Resource They Manage

A typical HR manager

HR managers have given a seasonal demonstration of the legendary empathy and motivational skills which got them where they are today, by telling you that 2012 will be the worst year of your entire life.

The Chartered Institute Of Personnel And Development today forecast that you are definitely getting dumped on the scrapheap next year if you work in the public sector, and even if you don’t you will be hammered with intolerable performance targets as private-sector bosses blithely expect you to add the duties of everyone who retires to your unmanageable workload.

“Happy new year, scum,” said the CIPD’s John Philboots, as he booked himself onto another people-hating skills development beano in Antigua.

Never Mind That Ageism Bollocks, Says Government - Here’s £1bn

Deputy prime minister Nick Clegg emerged from his months-long nap today, to bribe employers to build up a slave workforce with £1bn taken from the family tax credits of any remaining workers not replaced by young slaves.

You're all Spartacus. Now get stacking those shelves

“With youth unemployment now hitting 20%, the papers have noticed and so the government must act,” yawned Mr Clegg, announcing that the government would bribe the usual suspects to openly flout Britain’s helpfully-unenforced ageism laws by hiring young joblesses for exactly six months before exchanging them for fresh ones at the Jobcentre, or simply recycling them every eight weeks without having to pay them at all.

“Obviously, employers can’t be expected to replace their unskilled staff with free slave labour unless we give them a little encouragement,” explained Mr Clegg brightly. “Meanwhile, the young are gaining literally priceless experience of what it feels like to actually have a job, which will give them something to reminisce about in the empty years to come.”

“In a perfect world, of course, we’d gladly sack our entire workforce and give everyone unpaid work experience instead,” said Tesco CEO Philip Clarke. “Sadly, however, there will always be a few jobs that require an incredible amount of skill, which must naturally be rewarded with a generous payscale. Mine, for example.”

“Although if the government were to lob, say, a billion into my pocket,” he added, “I’d gladly work for nothing for eight weeks, too.”

Doctors Don’t Know Jack Shit About Anything, Boardroom Wallahs Tell Delighted Government

The average NHS doctor is a drooling idiot who can’t diagnose his arse from his elbow, let alone chronic suffering from chronic laziness, say the management wonks whom the Department For No Work And No Pensions commissioned to tell them what they wanted to hear.

Trust me, I'm a manager

David Frost, the director general of the British Chambers of Commerce (not the former satirist and co-founder of TV-am) and Dame Carol Black - who may actually have practised medicine at some early point in her career, before her breakthrough discovery of comfy chairs in the boardroom – have reported to an ecstatic DWP that the diagnosis of long-term health conditions is far too important to be entrusted to slack-jawed general practitioners and should be performed instead by an appointed panel of doctors who can’t be arsed with practising medicine any more.

“Hello, good evening and welcome. Unlike GPs - whose so-called ‘patients’ are almost certainly splitting their ill-gotten benefits 50/50 with them, I dare say - an independent panel on a lucrative government contract will of course be completely and utterly impartial,” droned Mr Frost, whose vast knowledge of Powerpoint and minutes of previous meetings uniquely qualifies him to weigh up complex medical factors. “Just like Atos Medical, in fact, who richly deserve the completely and utterly impartial bonuses they get for depriving the sick and disabled of their benefits. And, of course, it will be through its absolute independence that the panel will meet the government’s arbitrary target of telling 20% of the disabled to fuck off down the dole office and start looking for jobs they can do perfectly well whilst crying their eyes out in pain and misery.”

Dame Carol, concurring, then moved an extraordinary motion of remunerative gratitude to herself and Mr Frost, which was unanimously carried by themselves.

Businesses Demand Funding To Enslave Young Unemployeds

As youth unemployment soared past a million, Britain’s business community today called on the government to bung its members the necessary funds they need to enslave all of Britain’s teeming young unemployed forever.

And they've all got at least 3 A* grades

“Youth unemployment figures are truly shocking and with more than one million young people unable to find a job, the Government must wake up and realise that there will never be a better opportunity to bring back slavery,” said John Walker, chairman of the Federation Of Small Exploiters. “Otherwise we might very well all have to relocate our head offices to China, where all the crap we sell is made already. Of course, chains, gruel and horsewhips don’t come cheap, and I don’t see why we should have to stump up a penny out of our own pockets.”

“A generation risks being scarred by the devastating effects of long-term unemployment,” warned John Cridland, doomsayer-general of the Confederation of Bastards Industry. “The government ought to be making it worth our while to scar them with the devastating effects of long-term slavery instead.”

“What with the staggering cost of paying the bean counters to show us how to avoid paying our taxes, the only way we can possibly ever become competitive again is to pay our workforce less than the Chinese, i.e. bugger all,” he added. “Come on, Osborne, cough up if you want to keep that AAA rating.”

Supermarkets Happy With Record Number Of Einsteins Stacking Their Shelves

Britain’s leading supermarkets have welcomed the official announcement that this year’s crop of part-time shelf-stackers have achieved record A level grades, with no less than 12.8% achieving three or more A or A* passes.

Looks like Tesco are interviewing again

“With more certified geniuses beavering away in our aisles than ever before, the risk of product mismatching has effectively been eliminated completely,” enthused Tesco CEO Philip Clarke. “If any of our customers has a problem, they can rest assured that our customer assistants will gladly solve it for them, possibly by doing differential calculus in their heads.”

“We also look forward, when they graduate with first-class honours in three years’ time, to welcoming them into full-time positions where their unprecedented brainpower will set them on a meteoric career path. In three to five years, there’s every possibility that these young Einsteins will be settling into the coveted chair behind the one remaining staff-operated till we’ll retain for doddering old coffin-dodgers who insist on shouting ‘Eh? Speak up, I’m eighty-two’ when our automated check-outs inform them of an unexpected item in the bagging area.”