Perhaps Turkey Should Have Read NATO Treaty Before Signing, Suggests Assad: Rest Of NATO Nods Furiously

After blasting a one of their RF-4 Phantom jets from the skies, Syria has pre-empted any Turkish appeals for NATO intervention on the basis of mutual defence by suggesting that their neighbour takes a closer look at the Treaty of Washington.

The Russians swore they were tractor parts

“We looked it up on Wikipedia back in April, when Mr Erdoğan raised the matter after we’d told some of our people off for leaving Syria without permission by bombing the shit out of them,” commented President Assad. “He is, up to a point, correct in stating that an attack on one NATO member is an attack on all. However, if he reads Article 5 properly he might notice that this bit only applies in Europe and North America. Now, is Turkey actually in the EU? Not the last time I looked.”

“Tough luck, sucker,” he added.

Other members of NATO were remarkably quick to verify Mr Assad’s explanation of the treaty - reminding Turkey that modern combat aircraft are really, really expensive, and unfortunately Syria is bristling with brand new and extremely effective anti-aircraft systems which the Russians kindly donated.

“Yes, we know,” replied Turkish PM Recep Tayyip Erdoğan, as he reached for his reading glasses.

Arab Spring Enthusiasts Strangely Muted As Egyptians Vote For Fundamentalism Or Oppression

With most Egyptians voting for members of the Muslim Brotherhood or the oprressive government they overthrew in their democratic presidential election, the world eagerly awaits the thoughts of Facebook’s legion of pro-democracy campaigners on the matter.

Take your pick for the age of Aquarius

“The peaceful overthrow of the Mubarak regime, we were assured by hourly posts last year, heralded nothing less than the beginning of a new Aquarian age of unprecedented human advancement,” said Josh Geake, whose perception of everything that happens in the world is filtered through Facebook. “Now that Egypt is poised to wind the clock back either 50 years to authoritarian rule by the military or 1000 years to authoritarian rule by religious nutters, I have to say find myself in serious need of further enlightenment as to how this might usher in a new era of freedom for humanity.”

“I was led to believe that, once the people take control of their destiny, only groovy things can happen,” he frowned in bafflement. “I’m sure there’s a perfectly sensible explanation for what’s happened here, but frankly I’d much prefer hippies filling my Newsfeed with the stuff of dreams.”

Government To Buy Crashed P-40 For Navy

The crashed Curtiss P-40 discovered in the Egyptian desert after 70 years is to be purchased for the nation, restored to flying condition and assigned to the Royal Navy’s carrier fleet, little Richard Hammond told the House of Commons today.

Just the thing

“This historic pile of scrap is not just a tribute to a generation of heroes who willingly gave their lives in the nation’s hour of greatest need,” explained the diminutive defence secretary. “Bolt a hook on the back and hey presto, it perfectly matches for our fleet requirements for a strike fighter. Pity it wasn’t a Firefly, though. They came with a dinghy thrown in free.”

Mr Hammond also expressed the hope that diligent searchers would eventually discover what happened to missing pilot Dennis Copping, who apparently walked away from the crash site.

“As I see it, Flight Sergeant Copping deliberately went AWOL,” he announced, “When he turns up, I reckon the least he can do to make amends is to train a new generation of naval pilots in P-40 operations.”

Syrians Pleased To Be Dying Under Ceasefire

Numerous Syrians who have been shot since the bilateral ceasefire came into effect today told reporters, as they succumbed to their wounds, how grateful they were to the UN for allowing them the opportunity to be the first victims of a new era of peace and stability.

Yes, well done you

In the aftermath of a roadside bomb in Aleppo, as what remains of him was being loaded into an ambulance, a soldier loyal to the Syrian government gasped that his missing legs were a small price to pay for an end to the sickening violence.

“I am so glad the fighting is over at last,” gurgled an optimistic Homs resident, on the other side of the truce which proud UN observers say is ‘holding’, as he lay in a pool of his life’s blood with an army bullet of hope lodged peacefully in his throat. “It is comforting to know that my imminent death represents a first step towards a permanent reconciliation.”

“Well, I think it’s all going rather splendidly, don’t you?” a delighted Kofi Annan tweeted to President Assad.

Assad A Cad And A Rotter, Opines Cameron

Not ruled out

Prime minister David Cameron bravely threw down a forcefully-worded ultimatum to Syria’s Bashar al-Assad today, calling him “a cad and a rotter whose standards of behaviour are quite, quite beyond the pale.”

A statesmanlike Mr Cameron also urged the Syrian president, whose army continues to murder innocent civilians with enthusiasm as it mops up the last vestiges of opposition, to be a good sport and take an early bath, and warned that he was “this close” to wagging Britain’s mighty finger in an admonishing manner.

Meanwhile, across the Atlantic, President Obama also ramped up international pressure on the Syrian regime, throwing the formidable strength of the world’s sole superpower behind his declaration that Assad was “a no-good, dirty rat”.

When the matter of Sunday’s rigged Russian presidential election attracts his attention in several months’ time, sources close to Mr Cameron say he may well call Mr Putin “a sneaky blighter” and point out that “cheats never prosper.”

Syrian Conflict Finally Becomes International Tragedy After Death Of Times Journalist

The world’s media united today to demand the immediate launch of an overwhelming combined air, land and sea assault on Syria by teatime, following the tragic deaths of Western journalists Marie Colvin and Remi Ochlik from shellfire in the besieged city of Homs.

This'll teach them not to blow up innocent civilians

“The trivial slaughter of tens of thousands of unimportant Syrian civilians pales into insignificance against this appalling random crime against humanity,” thundered every journalist in the entire world.

“People with brown skin are used to this sort of thing,” explained an NUJ spokesman. “But Marie and Remi were civilised people who owned iPads and appreciated a really good Chablis. It’s an outrage against common decency that two brave white folk who chose to risk their lives to bring great stories of pathetic blood-soaked corpses lying in makeshift morgues to our inside pages are now themselves pathetic blood-soaked corpses lying in a makeshift morgue.”

“Let’s bomb the living shit out of Damascus until not one single brick is left on top of another,” he urged Western governments. “It’s the only language these animals understand.”

Arab Spring Not Entirely Panning Out Quite As Incurable Optimists Hoped

Well, it wouldn't be Spring without a few dark clouds

With the Egyptian army killing civilians in Cairo’s Tahrir Square, imams holding the reins of power in Tunisia and rival factions turning their guns on each other for control of Libya, incurable optimists are experiencing some feelings of dismay about the achievement of an earthly paradise taking slightly longer to materialise on the shores of North Africa than they had previously predicted.

“With the benefit of hindsight, maybe the faith Egypt’s anti-Mubarak protesters placed in the generals who had been propping him up for thirty years could be described as charmingly naïve,” said one democracy addict, who fervently longs for the day when he is personally consulted on every last finickity detail of everything. “But I’m pretty sure they’ll get blisters on their trigger fingers or something, sooner or later, at which point absolute freedom will immediately assert itself... er… unless the Egyptians freely and democratically vote for an Islamic party, like the Tunisians did and the Moroccans seem to be doing, in which case it might take a century or two longer than I’d ideally like.”

“And as for Libya… er… oil… Western interference… corporate interests… you know,” he added.

“Meanwhile, I’m incredibly optimistic that the various Occupy movements springing up all over the Western world will surely bring down the crumbling edifice of capitalism, as billions spontaneously rise up peacefully against the cynical last-ditch deployment of state-sanctioned brutality, ushering in a new era of universal harmony for everyone in the entire world – probably next April, I reckon, if I’m not very much mistaken,” he predicted confidently.

Where In The World Is Colonel Gadaffi?

Sirte: Psychologists believe the crazed former Libyan dictator could be back in his home town of Sirte, slavishly following a deep, subconscious desire to undo the past by climbing back up his mother’s fanny.

Could be

Tripoli: It is entirely possible that the ex-Colonel could be hiding in plain sight in the subdued capital, telling rebel soldiers who stop him in the streets: “Blimey, mate, you’re the tenth one today to tell me I look just like him. Perhaps I ought to grow a beard, or something.”

London: Intelligence analysts suggest that the deposed Libyan leader could be stashed away safely in a broom cupboard of the SIS Building in Vauxhall, home of his good friends MI6, having been rendered extraordinarily out of his country in an oil barrel. He would then bide his time until the new Libyan government inevitably turned out to be a bit of a disappointment - at which point Western governments would, once again, decide that maybe he wasn’t such a bad chap after all.

The Dark Side Of The Moon: As likely a place as any of the others being bandied around.

You Wogs Have A Damned Funny Sense Of Priorities, Moans Hague

Tripoli, as it appears to Mr Hague

Foreign secretary William Hague has given Libyan rebel leaders a piece of his mind today, after they obtusely decided that averting a humanitarian disaster among their own people was in some way more important than dragging a comatose cancer victim off his deathbed to spend his last dying days lying unconscious in a Scottish prison.

“No, no, no, you stupid bloody wogs, we don’t want to see pictures of him! We want him in person, dead or alive!” Mr Hague yelled down the phone at the National Transition Council. “Look, if you’re too bone idle to go and fetch the bugger yourselves, just tell us which mud hut he’s hiding in and we’ll send big metal birds over to drop fire eggs on his house, damn you.”

Mr Hague also vented his righteous fury over the ungrateful rebels’ bloody-minded refusal to put the restoration of essential services to Tripoli on hold and to stop searching for 50,000 missing citizens, and urged them to get cracking instead on the more pressing business of handing over a miscreant who, he insists, he has it on good authority - i.e. from a wily old gentleman with his ear to the grapevine - could quite possibly have shot WPC Yvonne Fletcher from inside the Libyan embassy in London 27 years ago.

“Oh, for God’s sake just drop whatever time-wasting arab nonsense you’re up to, you silly camel-fancying layabouts, and just do as you’re bloody told or you'll get my boot up your backsides,” he shouted. “Surely even your dozy eyetie masters taught you to respect white man’s justice?”

“And before you ask: no, I won’t trade either of them for my sister,” he snapped angrily.

Libyan Rebels Say Just A Few More Bullets Will Make The Rain Fall

The sky surely can't take much more of this

The National Transition Council of Libyan rebel leaders claims its plans to restore vital water supplies to the people of Tripoli are close to fruition, with just a few thousand more rounds to be fired into the air before the sky is sufficiently intimidated to release its glorious revolutionary rain onto the city.

“Believe me, we have spent many months planning for Libya’s smooth transition from dictatorship to functioning democracy,” said Mahmoud Madman of the NTC. “Now all we have to do is train up some new doctors and nurses - which will be a lot quicker to accomplish once the few surviving patients do the decent thing, and stop wasting precious time and resources by selfishly clinging on to life - carry on shooting the water out of the clouds, then find the ‘off’ switch for the power station and blow it up, and everything will soon be back to normal. Do you like the suit, by the way? Gieves and Hawkes have done the democratic citizens of Libya a great service.”

“Meanwhile, we hope the West will continue to provide essential humanitarian aid to the people of Libya,” he added, “By blasting everything and everybody in Colonel Gaddafi’s home town of Sirte to dust.”

Gaddafi Interviewed For Top Met Job

And he can supply his own uniform

The elusive Libyan leader, Colonel Gaddafi, confounded his angry people this morning by turning up suddenly at Scotland Yard to be interviewed for the Chief Commissioner vacancy.

While sporadic gunfire continues to erupt in Tripoli as inexplicably loyal government forces continue to hold the world’s media in a comfy hotel, the hated dictator sat quietly in a waiting room between Sir Hugh Orde and acting commissioner Tim Godwin, thumbing through an old issue of Jane’s Police Review and polishing his medals until the receptionist called out: “Colonel Muammar Muhammad al-Gaddafi, Dean of Arab Rulers, Guide of the First of September Great Revolution of the Socialist People’s Libyan Arab Jamahiriya, Keeper of Arab Nationalism, Head of the Coalition of Coast and Desert States, Brotherly Leader and Guide of the Revolution, Imam of Muslims and King of Kings of Africa – the panel will see you now.”

“Obviously I’m not at liberty to divulge what was discussed during the Colonel’s interview,” announced Home Secretary Theresa May later. “Wishy-washy liberals might think that recent events in Libya would count against him but, to give him his due, it’s rather exceptional for disorderly criminal elements to be backed up by NATO assault helicopters and strike fighters. Setting that aside, the preceding 41 years of maintaining strict public order is a magnificent record of civic authority which cannot easily be overlooked.”

Tripoli Chef Doing Incredible Things With Pulverised Concrete, Say War Correspondents

War is hell

Beleaguered war correspondents holed up in their comfortable hotel in Tripoli have managed to get a message out, reassuring the watching world that the restaurant’s chef is whipping up a fantastic range of dust-based confections nightly for their delight.

“The menu still offers a satisfying range of entrées, main courses and desserts, although the soufflé is rather more filling than usual,” Martin Fivethirtysmith told viewers, while colleague Worly Guerly added that the dress code no longer required the checking-in of flak jackets and non-removal of helmets whilst dining was now acceptable, albeit frowned upon by the more experienced war reporters.

“By the way, if anyone knows what’s going on out there, do let us know,” she added cheerfully.

Gaddafi Surrenders To Heroic Rebel Footballers

The Libyan conflict came to a spectacular end today, as Colonel Gaddafi surrendered unconditionally to the invincible might of 17 football heroes who added their strength to the rebel forces.

Juma Gtat (possibly)

“What good is a rocket barrage against the missile-deflecting agility of legendary goalkeeper Juma Gtat?” he moaned as he signed the instrument of surrender. “How can lumbering tanks possibly crush nimble-footed rebels trained by the nation’s top coach, Adel bin Issa?”

“I have seen Escape To Victory, so I know that even Adolf Hitler had no answer to good midfield play and a solid defence,” wailed the defeated dictator as he was led away to relegation.

Taxpayers Invited To Save Themselves A Few Bob By Declaring Open Season On Libyans

Look, we could replace those bloody great fuel tanks with bombs

As the cost of British involvement in Libyan operations soars to £120m, with the cost of replacing expensive laser-guided munitions estimated at another £140m, swivel-eyed defence secretary Dr Liam Fox tempted hard-pressed taxpayers with the attractive offer of saving a few quid by simply carpet-bombing the population of Tripoli with cheap ordnance.

“Unfortunately, avoiding civilian casualties who aren’t related to Libyan ministers drives up costs - but the spending shows the UK holds the higher moral ground, whatever that’s worth,” he announced brightly. “I know when this little exercise kicked off we told you it would only cost tens of millions, and indeed it is – twenty-six of them, to be precise.”

“But farting around trying to pinpoint genuine military targets is a terrific waste of fuel,” he added. “We could save a small fortune if our brave Tornado flyboys were to simply hang dumb ironmongery off the wings until they creak, then dump the lot in the general vicinity of downtown Tripoli and bugger off straight back to Italy for fresh bombs.”

“Your choice, taxpayers,” he smiled. “How many dead wog kids is the NHS worth?”

Cameron Tells Forces: ‘You Do The Dying, I’ll Do The Bullshit’

No morale problem here

After Air Chief Marshal Sir James Bigglesworth’s plaintive warning that he felt somewhat peevish about navigating by starlight to Libya and back every night and his trusty but overworked Sopwith Camel was only held together with string, an irritated prime minister David Cameron today advised the forces: “I tell you what, chaps - you do the dying, and I’ll do the talking.”

“Now Biggles is a top-hole sort, don’t get me wrong,” Mr Cameron elaborated later. “But strictly between you, me and the media, although he’s jolly good at giving Johnny Arab a biffing, well, let’s just say he’s not exactly all things bright and beautiful, is he? There are gentlemen and there are players; he’s merely a player, naturally, whereas I am clearly a gentleman.”

“I must say, whenever I speak to his wingman Algy, his doughty mechanic Flight Sergeant Smyth and young air cadet Hebblethwaite, I find them positively oozing with enthusiasm,” he exclaimed. “So jump back in your crate, Biggles, there’s a good chap, heave a few more Mills bombs over the side at the mad mullah and let’s have no more backchat from the ranks, what?”

“’Ours is not to question why’, remember,” he added. “Play up, play up and play the game now, like a good little boy.”

NATO Boasts That Fortified Tripoli Compound Won’t Be Flying Any Time Soon

This must not be allowed to happen

Allied warplanes struck at Colonel Gaddafi’s Bab al-Azizaya compound in Tripoli overnight, according to NATO, ensuring that several fortified bunkers will not be breaching the Libyan no-fly zone in the foreseeable future.

“In strict compliance with the UN-authorised mandate of denying flight capabilities to the bad guys of the Libyan regime, good guys in mean helicopters continue to be actively engaged in an ongoing mission to direct Hellfire missiles into big concrete buildings,” affirmed NATO publicity robot General Cy Lon.

Explaining the very real threat to rebel forces posed by a fortified compound, he continued: “If you squint carefully at this grainy night-vision footage, you can clearly see parts of these buildings attempting vertical take-off right at the very moment of impact. Each and every one of these bunkers contains literally thousands of tons of concrete and steel. If just one of these massive constructions got airborne and dropped itself on the rebels in Misrata, yes sir, you’d undoubtedly be looking at an unacceptable casualty situation on the ground.”

“Be advised that NATO is not, repeat not, conducting a wide-ranging assassination exercise against Colonel Gaddafi,” he added. “We currently envision no scenarios in which the head of the Libyan armed forces might conceivably locate himself within a fortified command bunker, no sir. That is definitely not a part of our authorised mission objective, which remains purely to clear the Libyan skies of any immediate danger from airborne concrete structures.”

Collectors Excited By New No-Fly Top Trumps Helicopters

Little boys are enthusiastically snapping up the latest long-awaited release in the popular No-Fly Top Trumps card game, eager to trump Libyan motorists’ knackered old bangers even harder with the British Army’s Apache attack helicopter and their French counterparts’ significantly cheaper SA342 Gazelle.

“OK, so the British-built Apache was only ordered years after the original version went into service with the US Army, and yes, it may have taken the army six years to make the radio work properly and stop bits falling off every time it fired a missile,” gushed keen little military hardware enthusiast Tommy Wilkins, 48, who pretends he is a national newspaper's resident expert on defence matters. “But its impressive £64m unit cost makes the bargain-basement Gazelle look really silly.”

You can almost feel their throbbing power

“Oh, poo,” he cried in disappointment, as he unwrapped his shiny new cards. “Cost isn’t on there.”

Libyan Police Strangely Reluctant To Arrest Gadaffi

Despite the issuing of an arrest warrant for Colonel Muammar Gadaffi and his son Saif for war crimes, Libya’s police admitted that they have not so far managed to place either of the notorious crooks under arrest.

The accomplice on the left might be able to help with enquiries

“When the initial fax came through from the International Criminal Court, wouldn’t you just know it - that was the moment our fax machine chose to run out of toner,” apologised Tripoli’s police chief Col. Fattah Yaseen. “Unfortunately, the officer with the key to the stationery cupboard was on his lunch break, so we had to wait until he got back before we could refill it. The older perpetrator certainly looks somewhat familiar, but the name is no help at all - the Tripoli phone book has pages and pages of Muammar Gadaffis.”

When the ICC clarified which Muammar Gadaffi was on the wanted list, Col. Yaseen turned pale and excused himself, claiming an old digestive tract disorder was suddenly playing up again.

Later, speaking from a locked rest-room cubicle, the police colonel suggested that arresting the Libyan leader and his son was probably a matter for the secret police, but regretted that he did not know who they were or where to find them.

“It’s a secret,” he wailed. “Try 118 118.”

An ICC spokesman warned that, unless the Libyan police act upon the international arrest warrant, they will face sanctions - such as being banned from international police sports beanos and no more crowd-control and intelligence training jollies at Hendon.

Pope Asks Italians To Show Tolerance To North African Refugees

"Don't let's be beastly to the Libyans..."

Libyan Rebels Scent Victory As NATO Missiles Take Out Gaddafi’s Parlour

Every mirror cracked by NATO will bring Gaddafi seven years' bad luck

Last night’s surgical strike by NATO against Colonel Gaddafi’s plushest reception parlour is being hailed this morning as the decisive victory which will bring down the hated despot’s regime, according to ecstatic rebel leaders.

Libyan state TV footage of the devastation shows irreparable damage to a strategic chandelier, and several paintings were clearly askew. Senior NATO intelligence officers Kim Woodburn and Aggie MacKenzie, who masterminded the strike, were confident that forces loyal to the brutal Libyan dictator will face serious difficulties in their efforts to hoover concrete dust out of the thick pile carpet.

“Deprived of a pleasant luncheon environment, Gaddafi will find his ability to co-ordinate the battle plans of his armies to be seriously degraded,” said a confident NATO spokesman. “How can he effectively organise the recapture of the east when he’s constantly fishing tiny chunks of plaster out of his coffee?”