Crowds of leering royal sex enthusiasts waiting in the darkness outside were rewarded for their patience in the small hours when the Royal Roger was finally run up the palace flagpole, showing the traditional three cocks rampant.
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He went on to say that Prince Philip then gave the historic address – “Give her one from me, boy!” – and the royal coupling retired to a night of regency bedpost creaking which was relayed both on loudspeakers and, in a new 21st century twist, via an iPhone app to the appreciative crowd without.
Looking rather dishevelled, the newly-weds emerged this morning to fly off to an undisclosed honeymoon location, the Duchess waddling bandy-legged to the waiting helicopter and the Duke hopping along behind, with one hand holding up his dress trousers and the other waving the royal jackrabbit. Once aboard, the helicopter bounced for several minutes on its skids before a haggard-looking Prince William flopped into the pilot’s seat and lifted his chopper, wobbling unsteadily, into the skies.
Asked if the best man had spent the night doing what best men are popularly supposed to do, Sir Peter replied disdainfully, “Miss Pippa Middleton is well fit. Prince Harry’s a ginger. So guess what he was doing all night.”