Saturday, 30 April 2011

Duke And Duchess Of Cambridge ‘At It Like Knives’ All Night, Says Palace

Royal newly-weds the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, the Earl and Countess of Strathearn and Baron and Baroness Carrickfergus ran through Buckingham Palace last night as soon as the last party guest passed out drunk, shedding clothes through reception halls and along the corridors in their haste to consummate the wedding of the century, confirmed a palace spokesman today.

Crowds of leering royal sex enthusiasts waiting in the darkness outside were rewarded for their patience in the small hours when the Royal Roger was finally run up the palace flagpole, showing the traditional three cocks rampant.

Philip has been a royal aphrodisiac since Margaret got skewered
“I can confirm that - after the usual preliminaries were conducted to the satisfaction of the Duke of Edinburgh, who formally presides over this ceremony according to age-old tradition - the Duke, Earl and Baron majestically mounted the Duchess, Countess and Baroness before striding proudly out of the imperial bonkchamber with her impaled on his mighty pork sword, to admiring cheers from the palace’s assembled domestic staff,” announced recently-appointed sexquerry Sir Peter Stringfellow.

He went on to say that Prince Philip then gave the historic address – “Give her one from me, boy!” – and the royal coupling retired to a night of regency bedpost creaking which was relayed both on loudspeakers and, in a new 21st century twist, via an iPhone app to the appreciative crowd without.

Looking rather dishevelled, the newly-weds emerged this morning to fly off to an undisclosed honeymoon location, the Duchess waddling bandy-legged to the waiting helicopter and the Duke hopping along behind, with one hand holding up his dress trousers and the other waving the royal jackrabbit. Once aboard, the helicopter bounced for several minutes on its skids before a haggard-looking Prince William flopped into the pilot’s seat and lifted his chopper, wobbling unsteadily, into the skies.

Asked if the best man had spent the night doing what best men are popularly supposed to do, Sir Peter replied disdainfully, “Miss Pippa Middleton is well fit. Prince Harry’s a ginger. So guess what he was doing all night.”

Police To Arrest Everybody

You're facking nicked, sunshine
Drunk on power thanks to their new-found ability to arrest anybody they suspect may be conspiring to commit a breach of the peace, police officers across Britain commandeered nightclubs in every city last night and arrested everybody who went in, on the grounds that they were all quite probably planning to get drunk and wander home lairy.

With every adult under the age of 25 safely under lock and key, officers today transferred their operations to electrical shops, ready to swoop on anyone who buys a stereo system. Other squads staked out garden centres and branches of Argos, on the lookout for people buying barbecue equipment, and tonight the streets of Britain will be filled with riot vans armed with decibel-meters and batons.

Meanwhile, an armed SWAT team was sent to the Metropolitan force’s operational control room to track down the despicable criminals responsible for organising the kettling of harmless protesters on several occasions in recent months.

“This’ll never stand up in court,” admitted Met chief Sir Kim Jong-Stephenson cheerfully, “But that’s irrelevant, as we’ll probably have all the barristers, magistrates and judges banged up too.”

Friday, 29 April 2011

Kate Middleton From Another Dimension Whisked Away From Westminster Abbey By Detectives

Christ, there could be hundreds of them
A frightened Kate Middleton From Another Dimension was discovered hiding under a UFO inside Westminster Abbey just minutes from the start of the royal wedding ceremony, according to an unconfirmed source sitting somewhere very close to the organ.

Details are somewhat patchy so far, due to being partially drowned out by the source playing loud bass notes with the pedals, but it appears that sharp-eyed royal detectives spotted the interdimensional interloper trying to blend in with all the other flying saucer-sporting commoners.

As plain-clothes detectives with pillboxes, orchids, boats and objects known unto God nailed to their foreheads converged on the alien imposter the papers are already calling ‘Alternatey Katie’, she emitted an unearthly polyphonic scream and tried to flee – only to run into the upheld ceremonial mace of Inspector Savage of the Royal Protection Squad.

The source insists he heard the doppelganger begging for asylum and claiming that, in Dimension 10, she had barely managed to evade 5,000 police officers who had spent the whole night rounding up every member of the alternative royal family on suspicion of conspiracy to commit a breach of the peace – namely, blocking off the whole of central London and several major arterial roads, forcing shops and businesses to lock their doors for the day, openly calling for millions of people to take to the streets of Britain and causing severe interference to the schedules of the nation’s broadcasters.

A spokesman for Sctoland Yard told our reporter: “Eyes back on the telly, sonny.”

British Hat Industry Marks Royal Occasion With Stunning New Look For Household Cavalry

The triumph of British millinery

Thursday, 28 April 2011

Wills And Kate ‘Incredibly Whatever’ At Vast Outpouring Of Public Apathy

The royal couple have received intensive training in how to stifle yawns
On the eve of their wedding, Prince William and Kate Middleton have said how “incredibly whatever” they are by the deeply sincere indifference shown towards them by the public at large.

In the official wedding programme, released today, the royal couple write: “We are both utterly unconcerned whether anyone might actually be bothered to join us or not in celebrating what we reckon will be a pretty unspectacular day in our lives; after all, let’s face it, we’ve been shagging for years. The supreme indifference shown to us by the little people during our engagement has been yawn-inducingly tedious, and has touched us both deeply… not! Er… what else… oh, and we’ve been advised we might as well take this opportunity to say ‘Yeah, cheers big-ears’ to everyone most sincerely for their apathy. Quite frankly, though, we’ve only put that bit in to see if anybody can be arsed to read this far. If anyone thinks of Wills’ dad and laughs, we’ll be bloody amazed."

With crowds estimated to be as many as one deep in places, an estimated 500+ Sun and Mail readers who absolutely believe a flag makes them better than the rest of the world are expected to line the route to Westminster Abbey tomorrow, dressed up to the nines in what they tragically believe to be the height of fashion, in the futile hope that their neighbours will see them on the telly and turn green with envy.

The rest of Britain, meanwhile, will be solemnly marking the momentous royal occasion by having a day out at a theme park or by the seaside with their kids.

“I should think we’ll probably have a 99 each at some point – well, if it’s sunny,” was a typical view expressed by one of the royal family’s many humble subjects.

“If it’s raining, though, the TV will probably be tuned to the Cartoon Network all day,” he added, “And I don’t think they can draw fast enough to cover live events, thank Christ.”

Carrier Costs Rise To Accommodate Aircraft Britain Can’t Afford

Well, admirals can have dreams too, you know
The costs of the Royal Navy’s two aircraft carriers currently under construction have risen by at least £1bn, the Ministry of Defence admitted today, taking into account the major redesign work needed for the Joint Strike Fighter that Britain can’t afford to buy.

“This is an unforeseen additional cost which has only arisen because the plane we originally designed the carriers around has never worked, can’t work and will never work,” confessed Admiral John Byng. “Consequently we’re having to redesign the flight decks to launch and land the version of the plane that can and indeed does apparently work. Unfortunately, that’s the one that needs a bloody long flight deck, because the VTOL version we based the entire project around will keep burning sodding great holes in the deck, and once it does get airborne it has to land immediately because it’s just used up all of its fuel taking off.”

“Not that it matters,” he chuckled, “Because even the basic bread-and-butter model is so extravagantly expensive that we had to choose between the planes or the carriers, and for strategic reasons we chose the carriers because that means more sailors for us to give orders to. Of course, now we can’t even afford both carriers, so we’re putting one of them on eBay, BNIB. Somebody’s going to pick up a real bargain, because we’re starting the bids at 1p to take advantage of eBay’s cheaper listing policy. You see, contrary to popular opinion, us chaps at the MoD really do have the taxpayer’s interests at heart.”

So far, however, ministry sources have been unable to confirm whether the bargain-basement carrier on offer will be capable of handling real aircraft or imaginary ones.

Wednesday, 27 April 2011

Your Playstation Ordered A Ton Of Bling

Your Playstation has used your credit card to order itself a couple of diamond-encrusted gold Swarovski controllers and an HDMI cable wrapped in finest panda skin, admitted red-faced Sony CEO Howard Stringer this morning.

“What it is, you see, is that your Playstations have been cheerfully maxing out your cards for six days now,” confirmed Mr Stringer sheepishly. “We were going to just whistle and pretend it was nothing to do with us, but now a few of you have made the connection between all the hideously overpriced tat the postman’s been bringing you this week, and the phone calls you’ve been getting from your card providers asking you if you’d like your credit limits raised by another ten or twenty grand, isn’t it?”

There's lovely
The Welsh-born American executive defended your frustration-alleviating toy’s behaviour by pointing out that Bill Gates took all the joy from your life many years ago, Nintendo had annexed your children and lately your wife and Apple had stolen your soul, leaving nothing left over for the Playstation but your money.

“You might think a blu-ray remote in a Waterford crystal casing with inlaid mother-of-pearl buttons is a bit extravagant, look you,” he added. “But just wait until the workmen arrive on Friday to tear up your decking to erect the pylons for the 60ft TV screen.”

Data security experts, meanwhile, are advised worried console owners that maybe it is about time they finally grew up and stopped playing with toys.

Obama To Prove Nationality By Claiming USA Invented Everything And Calling All Foreigners ‘Cocksucking Fags’

As American as Jesus Christ himself, you limey kraut faggots
As mischief-makers led by Donald Trump – undaunted by any documentary evidence - doggedly continue to claim that Barack Obama is African, the president is to take the unusual step of posting comments on every single YouTube clip to the effect that everything that has ever been invented from cave-painting onwards is the sole product of all-American genius.

He will further demonstrate his true American heritage by calling anyone who dares to query his observations “a goddamm limey cocksuking FAG”, telling them to get over the War of Independence and inviting them to “burn in HELL” before reminding them of their love of the cock in their “ASS”.

He will then clinch his legitimacy as a citizen of the USA beyond a shadow of a doubt by explaining, “i naled yr mutha FAGOT & she beg 4 mor”, finally signing off with a final witticism on the diverse nature of human sexuality before discovering a clip of a 4WD pickup with unfeasibly large tyres driving over a row of Toyotas and staring at it over and over, whooping and punching the air repeatedly, for the rest of the day.

Tuesday, 26 April 2011

We Are Going To Tear Your Face Off, Warn Police

Fire up the Quattro
The Metropolitan police today issued a “robust” warning to the people of London, promising that anybody found out of doors and not wearing red, white and blue and a beatific expression on Friday will have their face torn off.

“Just don’t, OK?” advised Commissioner Sir Kim Jong-Stephenson, as he showed the press the brutal spinning flail that will be attached to all police vehicles in time for the royal wedding. “I won’t tell you again.”

With a chilling bellow of rage, Mr Jong-Stephenson then pushed a Fortnum & Mason protester into the vicious flail. The results were too horrifying to describe; suffice to say that one of the force’s dogs will certainly be enjoying a nice big bowl of mincemeat for dinner tonight.

“Traditionally, a royal wedding is always the occasion for a spontaneous public outpouring of joyful national pride,” he added with a snarl. “Keep it that way, or else.”

AV Will Spice Up Your Sex Life A Treat, Promises Clegg

Dear God, no
After the Electoral Commission replied to complaints about lies told by Tory opponents of the Alternative Vote by pointing out that it has no authority over a referendum, the Liberal Democrats have retaliated by insisting that AV guarantees multiple screaming orgasms every night.

“We are empowered to investigate complaints about elections,” a spokesman for the Electoral Commission told senior Lib Dem MP Chris Huhne, who demanded legal action over spurious Tory claims that AV would cost taxpayers £250m. “A referendum might look like an election, it may run like an election and for all we care it can quack like an election. But it isn’t an election, is it? So fuck off.”

The Lib Dems have swiftly taken the commission’s decision onboard, wasting no time in devising a campaign to make the complete absence of oversight of the most critical challenge to British democracy in generations work to their advantage.

Entirely fictitious benefits also being dreamed up by AV supporters include a kilo of chocolate delivered through your letterbox every day for the rest of your life, everlasting peace on Earth and weekly vouchers for sex with the celebrity of your choice.

The No To AV group swiftly responded by making up baleful predictions that, if introduced, Nick Clegg would certainly declare himself dictator for life, ban sex altogether and force children up chimneys and down mines, before finally destroying the world by starting World War Three on Christmas Eve.

Monday, 25 April 2011

Libyan Rebels Scent Victory As NATO Missiles Take Out Gaddafi’s Parlour

Every mirror cracked by NATO will bring Gaddafi seven years' bad luck
Last night’s surgical strike by NATO against Colonel Gaddafi’s plushest reception parlour is being hailed this morning as the decisive victory which will bring down the hated despot’s regime, according to ecstatic rebel leaders.

Libyan state TV footage of the devastation shows irreparable damage to a strategic chandelier, and several paintings were clearly askew. Senior NATO intelligence officers Kim Woodburn and Aggie MacKenzie, who masterminded the strike, were confident that forces loyal to the brutal Libyan dictator will face serious difficulties in their efforts to hoover concrete dust out of the thick pile carpet.

“Deprived of a pleasant luncheon environment, Gaddafi will find his ability to co-ordinate the battle plans of his armies to be seriously degraded,” said a confident NATO spokesman. “How can he effectively organise the recapture of the east when he’s constantly fishing tiny chunks of plaster out of his coffee?”

Soldiers Too Busy Fighting To Demonstrate Military Prowess, Complains Infantry Chief

Tragically, the SAS aggressometer is only accurate within 25m
The head of Britain’s infantry forces, Brigadier Alistair Lethbridge-Stewart, has warned that SAS recruitment is at an all-time low, with the nation’s soldiers spending so much time in combat against Afghan rebel forces that nobody is able to assess their fighting capabilities.

“How can we possibly measure our chaps’ fitness, teamwork, fighting spirit and grasp of tactics when they’re always in the middle of a firefight with some bloody towelheads who have just ambushed their convoy?” complained the Brigadier, in a leaked outburst. “It’s damned inconvenient.”

“Yes, I don’t mind if I do have another brandy, thank you, steward,” he added.

Military experts at Sandhurst warn that, if not addressed, the crisis in special forces recruitment could one day lead to a serious shortage of ex-squaddies propping up bars and aggressively warning complete strangers that they could kill them so stealthily they wouldn’t even know they were dead.