Thursday, 10 September 2009

Airliners to Generate All Carbon Emissions By 2050

In order to meet the UK's targets for carbon emission reductions whilst allowing for growth in the aviation industry, everybody's domestic electricity and gas will be cut off and road vehicles banned by the year 2050, according to the government's advisory committee on climate change.

"In the future, the only carbon emissions will come from the queues of zeppelin-sized airliners stacked in holding patterns above Britain's airports, hoping for a landing slot to become available," said committee chair Adair Turner. "To keep this vital industry alive, everybody will have to sacrifice their lighting, heating, food preparation, home entertainment and personal transport. You'll still be able to fly to anywhere in the world whenever you feel like it, of course, only you'll have to walk to the airport first."

"It's either this, or give up your annual two-week piss-up in the Med," he added. "Unless, perhaps, you don't mind a brisk swim across the Channel, followed by a trans-continental hike."

A spokesman for the aviation industry pointed out that the airlines would not be exempt from having to make savage cuts themselves to meet any new, stringent climate agreements which might, unlikely though it may seem, be thrashed out by ministers in Copenhagen this December.

"Our long-cherished dreams of passenger-carrying rockets criss-crossing the world's oceans, burning up skyscraper-sized tanks of liquid hydrogen, have regrettably been put on the back burner once again," he sighed. "Similarly, our hopes of renting individual jet-packs to travellers have been cruelly dashed by the wicked lies whispered into the ears of gullible ministers by the evil environmentalist lobby."

"If those beardy-weirdy tree-huggers get their way, you'll never be able to charter your own personal LearJet for that tranquil weekend getaway in the Lake District," he warned holidaymakers.

Spectre of Recession Gone Forever, Announces Mandelson

The recession is history and Britain is now experiencing unprecedented and rapid economic growth, announced business secretary Lord Mandelson today.

"The recent predatory attempt by Kraft World Domination Foods - very nice people, Britain's best interests at heart - to seize and shut down its potential rival Cadburys offers incontrovertible proof to even the most cynical naysayers that Booming Britain is once again the envy of the financial world," smiled Lord Mandelson. "Why, only today the Bank of England confidently demonstrated its firm conviction that the bleak days are far, far behind us by refusing to cut interest rates from 0.5% to zero or below. Well, what more proof do you need?"

"And let's not forget that they're still busy, busy, busy printing more and more money," he added, "Because in next to no time, you'll have so much cash you simply won't know what to do with it, you mark my words!"

The swollen ranks of Britain's unemployed crawled out of their cardboard boxes to give the business secretary three rousing cheers, amid ecstatic calls for a snap election. The humble, self-effacing man they are already calling The Saviour of Britain was, however, keen to put a brake on their understandable enthusiasm.

"I appreciate that, in these salad days, you want to express your gratitude by returning Labour to power for a fourth term," he acknowledged graciously. "That's only natural. But this parliament still has some essential business to perform before the nation can go to the polls."

"We are quite keen, for example, to pass a very important - very important - bill which would allow appointed life peers to give up their meaningless titles, allowing them to stand for parliament as ordinary citizens," he continued. "For too long - almost a year, in fact - the most able and gifted minds of their generation have been unable to take their rightful places in the House of Commons, or at the head of their parties, because of these glamorous but encumbering vestiges of an outdated caste system."

Lord Mandelson also expressed his wholehearted support for Gordon Brown's inspired stewardship of the Labour Party, and said he was trying very, very hard to persuade the hard-working prime minister to take a short break from the terrible burdens of state, possibly by going on an invigorating adventure holiday.

"Can't you imagine poor, tired-out old Gordon's troubles and cares floating away for good as he white-water rafts down Niagara Falls, or bungee-jumps off Spaghetti Junction to the delight of the oncoming traffic?" implored the smooth-talking peer, before heading off to inspect a safe Labour seat.

Wednesday, 9 September 2009

Government Agrees With OECD: University Really Is The Key to Beating Dole Queues

The British government has wholeheartedly endorsed an international report, published yesterday by the Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development, which claims that creating more university places is the way out of recession and unemployment.

"Countries which want to position themselves for after the economic crisis should create sufficient places in university," said Andreas Schleicher, the author of the OECD report.

Prime minister Gordon Brown today launched the all-new University of Work and Pensions, with faculty offices in all major towns and cities.

Unemployed people dragging their carcasses down to the former Jobcentres to sign on expressed surprise when their newly-appointed personal tutors - instead of asking them in a bored voice what imaginary jobs they had applied for - presented them with a bill for thousands of pounds in tuition and top-up fees, and a student loan application form.

"Apparently I don't have to lift a finger for three years," explained a newly-enrolled student as he stumbled out of the former Jobcentre. "I'm no longer an unemployed scum, I'm doing a BSc in Employment Studies. If I understand this provisional timetable correctly, I have no lectures, no tutorials and no exams but an awful lot of self-mentoring practical sessions. Excuse me, I'm off to buy myself a PS3, an Xbox360, a Wii, a laptop and a guitar."

Once the three-year courses end, the money will suddenly dry up and the graduates will receive a pretty piece of paper, suitable for framing, and a demand from the student loans company telling them to start paying back the £23,000 they will have received.

"Higher education really is the way to beat unemployment," smiled the prime minister. "And I will give the unemployed a beating they'll never forget."

Couples Urged To Sleep Apart By Seriously Optimistic, Balding Academic

Couples should consider sleeping apart for the good of their health, according to an expert from the University of Surrey.

"It's not actually natural for couples to share the same bed," said Dr Neil Stanley, who set up one of Britain's leading sleep laboratories. "Take my wife, for example. She snores like a jet fighter being fired from a steam catapult with the afterburners on full blast, her malodorous farts set burglar alarms off down the street, and her unreasonable demands for fulfilling, multi-orgasmic sex - in spite of her increasing resemblance to a vast pink hippo - left me an inadequate, sobbing wreck. I was heading for a nervous breakdown, but we both agree that things have improved greatly since we started sleeping in separate rooms. Now she sleeps in the master bedroom in our Farnham house, and I sleep on a sofa bed in my state-of-the-art sleep laboratory, right here in my office in Guildford."

Dr Stanley's ground-breaking researches have led him to suggest that couples should not only sleep in separate towns if they want to get the most out of their relationships, but live completely separate lives wherever possible.

"In fact, it would be best if couples never actually met in the first place," he suggested. "I am convinced that my chances of sleeping with a nubile grad student or two will be greatly improved, now that Mrs Stanley is no longer squatting next to me with a Catherine Cookson novel, taking up space, hogging the duvet and demanding a divorce."

Tuesday, 8 September 2009

Silly White Twit Jailed For Plotting to Harmlessly Kill All Asians

There were no calls today to outlaw the British National Party as a terrorist organisation, after 44-year-old Neil Lewington, a "harmless" white "oddball" electrician with "a rather sad life", was jailed indefinitely for plotting to embark on a "tragi-comic" bombing campaign targeted at Asian families in the UK.

"So he had a notebook labelled Waffen SS UK Members' Handbook, full of plans for making a variety of explosive devices, and a room full of racist music and literature," said Lewington's QC. "Where's the harm in that? Everyone's entitled to a hobby."

Lewington's handwritten manifesto of race-hate was probably just part of some great novel his " dysfunctional" client was probably intending to write one day, he added.

Britain's specialist security services were congratulating themselves on all the painstaking undercover surveillance, infiltration and information-gathering they didn't do to put the "silly" unemployed "twit" behind bars, as his "fantastic" bomb factory was only discovered by purest chance after he was arrested - for drunkenly abusing a train conductor - whilst relieving himself on the platform at Lowestoft station.

Meanwhile, the media continues to diligently report every last detail of the lives of the three evil murdering Muslim fiends convicted of planning to blast every single aeroplane out of Britain's skies with a bottle of pop, to ensure that everyone will know how to spot a terrorist.

Parents Urged Not To Let Their Little Man Play With The Trains: "He's Not Really a Little Man, But The Trains Are Real Trains," Warn Experts

Parents are being warned that their infant children are not really little men and princesses, no matter what they might fondly believe, after two-year-old Johnny Hall toddled through a gate and into the path of a speeding train while his mother was chatting to relatives at a travellers' site next to the railway line.

As police investigators scraped little Johnny off the wheels of the Lincoln-Peterborough train, his aunt told reporters that his death was a "tragic accident" and nobody was to blame - especially not his mother, nor any of his other pikey relatives who were present and allowed him wander head-first into a 60mph train because they were busy discussing the price of heather.

Little Johnny's mother - who saw her young son splattered to bits, after she belatedly decided that losing sight of a two-year-old when you are standing next to a busy railway track might not be considered good parenting - is said to be distraught. However, relatives hoped she would soon be recovered enough to ring some real solicitors at the National Accident Helpline to see about getting some compy.

"Children are increasingly treated like tiny, demanding adults by their parents," warned a child psychologist. "But they're not adults. They're fuckwits. If you must think of them as small grown-up people, try to imagine them as Mr Bean with a strong deathwish."

"But the essential thing to remember, above all other considerations," he added, "Is that no matter how clever you think they are, your kids are complete and utter fuckwits."

Monday, 7 September 2009

BBC To Invite T-1000 Onto Question Time

The BBC has provoked controversy by announcing that it may invite a representative of the Skynet global defence computer network to appear on its current affairs flagship programme, Question Time.

Mainstream parties have traditionally boycotted any programme in which they would be expected to share a platform with a murderous Terminator robot because of Skynet's avowed policies on exterminating the human race.

However, the BBC's chief political advisor, Pric Bailey, said that Skynet had "demonstrated evidence of electoral support" by getting a Terminator elected as governor of California, where it is creating mayhem in a vicious onslaught against essential public services.

Leading anti-robot campaigners condemned the BBC's plans, however.

"800,000 people may have voted Skynet last May," admitted veteran human right-to-exist advocate Sarah Connor, "But that's only because Skynet promised it would deal with the immigrants first. Many people are taken in by the smooth-talking T-1000, which is programmed to be all things to all men - but what they don't realise is that, behind the carefully-fabricated image, most of Skynet's rank-and-file members remain the brutal T-800s."

Others, however, argue that the democratic principle of freedom of speech must apply to Skynet, no matter how repugnant its policy of annihilation may be.

"I'm sure that, when the extent of its hate-filled views are exposed in public, the T-1000 will only succeed in exposing itself and Skynet to widespread ridicule," said a blindly optimistic Dr Myles Dyson. "Especially when a highly-respected elder statesman from one of the mainstream parties - Boris Johnson, for example, or Ed Balls at a pinch - fires a grenade launcher at it, and it smiles at the hole before the grenade goes off, and then it flails around shrieking, with its head attached to its arm."

"Everyone will just laugh at the T-1000," he promised, "Especially if Bojo follows it up by claiming he needs a vacation."

$4bn Purchase of French Strike Aircraft Will Safeguard Brazilian Way of Life, Promises Sarkozy

Joyful residents of Rio de Janeiro's 800 favelas were dancing in their shit-filled streets today, after President Luiz Inacio Lulu Twiggy da Silva announced that Brazil may soon be signing a $4bn deal to purchase 36 French Rafale fighter planes.

France's President Sarkozy, meanwhile, was enjoying the South American nation's Independence Day celebrations in Brasilia, in a welcome break from his duties as chief salesman for France's huge arms industry.

"The relationship between Brazil and France is not one of supplier and client, but of partners," he told Brazilians who were both literate and lucky enough to have enough spare cash to buy a copy of newspaper O Globo. "In exactly the same way that workers who slog their guts out for multinational corporations are no longer contemptible wage-slaves, but valued associates."

The Rafale has faced stiff competition from Boeing's F/A-18 Killer Bee and Saab's Gripen Trek TNG - but Mr Sarkozy's canny sales technique has already persuaded Brazil to purchase five submarines and fifty transport helicopters, complete with extended warranties and built-in MP3 players.

"When I set off every morning down the hill to haul buckets of murky water back up to my tumbledown shack, I want to know that all those foreign-owned oil rigs off our shores will be defended by state-of-the-art warplanes capable of blowing things up at nearly twice the speed of sound," announced sewage-recycling associate Hugo Neves. "My family's daily gamble with death from dysentery is a small price to pay, if it ensures the safety of these valuable assets owned by BP, Total and ExxonMobil."

"Mr Sarkozy really is a fantastic salesman," agreed his neighbour Severino Calixto, whose photogenically-ragged son scrapes a meagre living for the family by showing camera-waving tourists around the few stench-free parts of the colourful shanty-towns beneath their hotel balconies. "His glib salesmanship convinced me to sell my daughter Fortunata to a brothel to raise the cash for an oxygen-free pure copper SCART lead, so I can connect a DVD player to my TV set. Now all I need is a DVD player, a DVD and a regular electricity supply to take my mind off the never-ending misery of abject poverty."

Sunday, 6 September 2009

Realm Can Become Paradise On Earth In Exchange For Its Babies, Says Pied Charity Boss

Martin Narey, the chief musical executive of children's charity Barnardo's, has promised the good people of Britain that he can remove the plague of problem children which has been driving the nation to distraction.

"Just listen as I play my beguiling tune, promising a simplistic solution to a complex problem," piped up the charity boss. "Leave all your unwanted babies out on the doorstep, scum, and let them crawl after me as I stroll my merry way through the streets. I will lead them to my wonderful children's home deep within the big hill outside town, where they will all grow up in a cheerful, caring environment to become happy, well-adjusted achievers and live happily ever after."

Mr Narey made his too-good-to-be-true offer in the wake of last week's court case in Doncaster - involving two out-of-control brothers who viciously attacked two young children - amid a flurry of town criers begging for somebody to come forward to rid the kingdom of its plague of children.

"Of course, if I perform this service for you, I shall expect a substantial pay rise," cautioned Mr Narey casually, as he blew an experimental toot on his freshly-polished pipes. "All those awful children of yours living in my enchanted hill will take some looking after, and the increased staffing levels mean that I will be taking on a significantly higher level of responsibility."

After consulting carefully with leading citizens (Lord Mandelson and Alistair Brown), Prime Minister Gordon Brown gave a cautious welcome to Mr Narey's wonderfully simple proposal.

"I say we let this fine fellow carry out his task, and once our towns are free of children we'll see about his reward," he said. "Of course, due to circumstances entirely beyond my control, we are not quite the prosperous realm that we were two years ago - and it's a possibility that there might be insufficient gold coins in our treasury to pay him for his services. But Mr Narey seems like a nice chap, though; I'm sure he wouldn't mind being given, say, a cardboard MBE in lieu of payment.

"I can't imagine he would be so petty as to take revenge, for example by leading all of our much-loved pet rats off to heaven knows where, never to be seen again."

Shocked Nation Wonders How Violence Could Possibly Erupt At Racist Rally

An uneasy calm has returned to the centre of Nuremberg today, after yesterday saw running street battles between right-wing extremists and anti-fascist campaigners at an Aryan Defence League rally, resulting in 90 arrests for criminal damage and violent disorder.

"We are not ay fasceest oorganoysoytion, loyk," protested march organiser Mr Adolf Hitler afterwards, speaking through the bars of his police cell. "We're joost ay fyow concerned citizuns troying tow prootect ower traditioonal Aryan values boy morching thraow the citoy streyts with ower coolorful banners. What's sow wrong weev woyving a fyow placards soying 'Erwacht England!', that's woot oy'd loyk to knaow? Oy cood wroyte a bouk about this, oi tell yow."

A police spokesman, speaking at the Rathaus later, defended his force's controversial decision to allow 30,000 Aryan supremacists to parade through the heart of Nuremberg on a Saturday afternoon, when the streets were full of shoppers innocently going about their activities.

"Wot yow've got to oonderstand, loyk, ees that eef way'd banned thees morch, poyple wood oov been soying, 'Bluday coppoors, that's loyk an infringemoont oov ower civoul libertays'," said Erster Polizeihauptkommissar Savage of the Nuremberg force. "Instead, boy rowting the morchers throuw soom of ower busayest strayts, woy made sure lowds oov terrifoyed shoppers saw oos broyvlay prowtecting them froom soortain death in ay pitched battow. Resoolt!"

Naturally, Nuremberg's ethnic minorities were not asked for their opinions about yesterday's events, as all decent white folk agree they are lucky to be allowed to live in such a tolerant society as ours.