Smokers Now Officially Worse Than Paedos

Evil smokers have replaced paedophiles as the nation’s most hated monsters in human form, says the Department of Health, as it launches a hard-hitting advertising campaign urging all right-thinking people to bludgeon to death anyone they spot lurking within a mile of an ickle pretty child and looks as if they could be about to whip out a cigarette.

“I urge you with all the PR at my disposal to report any neighbours you might suspect of smoking to the police immediately,” bellowed Professor Terence Stephenson, president of the Royal College of Ickle Pretty Children. “These repugnant creatures dream of fucking a child’s ickle pretty lungs up. If you want my informed medical opinion, I’d burn the sick bastards’ genitals off with their own lighters.”

Let's find out where she lives, and burn it down

On the BBC Breakfast this morning, a spokesman for shady smokophile apologists FOREST - who dared to suggest that the generation who grew up breathing factory-chimney levels of deadly household toxins seemed to have become the longest-lived people in history - was thrashed senseless with a fire extinguisher by enraged presenter Susanna Reid, prompting a flood of complaints to BBC switchboards that she had let him live.

“When a doctor pointed out what everybody knows, i.e. those lung-molesters at FOREST are in cahoots with the murdering profiteers who run the tobacco industry, that twisted pervert had the bloody nerve to wonder if the pharmaceutical companies were making anything out of their holy patches of good nicotine,” screamed a typical caller. “Right now I can see the bloke over the road loitering outside his front door, furtively ramming his disgusting smoke down my unsuspecting kids’ throats while they’re out playing innocently in my ex’s back garden on the other side of town, the dirty fucker!”

“Where did I put my carving knife?” she added thoughtfully.

Meanwhile, a spokesman for the government urged the public to forget about fuel and pasties and concentrate on the vitally important task of living in a permanent state of blind, terrified rage.

Seeing A Cigarette Gives You Cancer, Scowl Experts

Sir John Mills spent his life trying to murder your kids

The merest sight of a cigarette in a movie is all it takes to give teenagers horrid cancery death, according to new research imagined by professional scolds at Bristol University.

“We asked millions of teens in the Bristol area if they had ever seen some evil, twisted bastard like Sir John Mills, Lord Attenborough or Cary Grant blatantly smoking on film, and they went into spluttering convulsions - which can only indicate the final, agonising stages of horrid cancery death,” frowned lead harridan Dr Mildred Strangelove. “Apart, that is, from one healthy young lady whose parents belong to an obscurely medieval religious sect which forbids all forms of entertainment. She asked Jesus to have mercy on our corrupt souls before her Godfearing father locked her in the cellar for a month for the sin of speaking to the damned. But she’ll live to a hundred, thanks to her family’s admirable moral strictures.”

“The government must immediately put an 18 rating on any film found to contain gratuitous smoking,” she hissed. “And the same goes for any so-called ‘entertainment’ involving fat people or visually-fatal foods, i.e. everything except salad or bran.”

Smoking Reduces Risk Of Cancer By Stunting Growth

Soon to be renamed Mr Cancer

Researchers from Cancer Research UK are in hiding today, after reporting that simply being tall greatly increases the risk of developing cancer.

“If I find those fuckers, I’m going to kill them,” growled Mark Peters, a six-footer who is currently undergoing chemotherapy. “When I was a kid, these smug bastards solemnly warned us all that ‘smoking stunts your growth’, so I spent a lonely, monastic childhood earnestly refusing all my friends’ offers of cigarettes. Imagine my shock, then, when I found out I’ve got cancer of the tall. Somebody get me a lawyer. Heads are going to roll.”

The unpleasant findings come hard on the heels of yesterday’s announcement, in a US scientific journal, that second-hand smoke almost always causes deafness in teenagers.

“Using parallel methodologies, if we couldn’t pick up a whiff of tobacco smoke we asked the children of the household if they had any hearing problems and they replied no sir, they didn’t,” explained team leader Dr Milton Strangelove.

“If, however, we spotted an ashtray in the house, we asked them to interpret and articulate empirical cognitive data concerning systemic quantum-decibel degradation of auditory parameters in the 20-20K spectrum,” he went on. “In almost every case, the response was ‘WTF?’ This conclusively proves that secondhand smoke causes deafness to such a degree that the victim invariably experiences profound difficulty in understanding speech. Another research grant, please.”

Government To Hide Your Fags When You’re Not Looking

Playing hunt-the-fags-counter should keep the kids occupied

The government announced today that, from 2012, ministers will sneak into your house while you’re on the lavatory and quietly deposit your fags in the last place you’d think of looking.

“Anti-smoking measures in the last few years have failed to produce any further reduction in the number of British smokers,” admitted a shrew-faced government doctor. “It looks like pretty much everyone who might be persuaded to give up has given up, leaving a hard core of sinful hedonists who are fully aware of the risks of tobacco but obstinately continue to enjoy it anyway. How dare they.”

“At the same time, the government is unwilling to actually stop the sale of tobacco, because that tax revenue is all that’s keeping the NHS ticking over,” he added sourly. “However, computer modelling suggests that if the government breaks into smokers’ homes and hides their fags somewhere they’ll never find them – preferably while there are still at least 15 left in the packet - sales will actually increase even though consumption will fall.”

Government inspectors will be checking all smokers’ homes in the next few months, surreptitiously noting any nooks and crannies which might be able to conceal several hundred cigarette packets.

Just to annoy people, the government will also be persuading supermarkets to camouflage the tobacco counter behind milk cartons or cereal packets and keep moving it at random around the store on a daily basis. Also, starting in 2015, small retailers will have to remove their counter displays, forcing their customers to chase a furiously-pedalling man on a bicycle who will not be allowed to stop and serve them.

“It is wrong that, in this day and age, a small group of people can freely choose to poison their respiratory systems with toxic chemical compounds,” said a joyless man with a clipboard. “That is a skilled task which is best left to the experts who run the motor, power-generating and cereal-packaging industries.”

Serious Risk of Losing Sight, Legs and Kidneys To Diabetes Is Well Worth Giving Up Fags For, Scream Medics

New research published in the Annals of Internal Medicine, which demonstrates that smokers who give up their evil, murderous habit are more than twice as likely to develop type 2 diabetes than if they keep puffing away at their foul cancer sticks, has been angrily denounced by stürmbanndoktors as 'sodding inconvenient'.

US researchers from Johns Hopkins University, who made the deeply unhelpful discovery that quitters are 70% more likely to develop the condition than lifelong non-smokers, have said they are very sorry for revealing an awkward fact, and begged not to be struck off or used as experimental test subjects.

"What happens is that smokers who kick their filthy but appetite-suppressing habit rapidly bloat up like walruses at an all-you-can-eat seal buffet," said a goose-stepping official of the British National Socialist Medical Association. "And once they become hideous fat bastards, of course, they fall into the high-risk category for type 2 diabetes and serve them right. They can then look forward to a life-long likelihood of kidney failure, heart attacks, strokes, blindness caused by glaucoma or macular retinopathy, urinary tract infections and multiple amputations. So what? Obviously, the simple answer is to quit eating as well as smoking."

"I really can't see the problem here," he added. "Heil Hippocrates."

MPs To Celebrate Eradication of Cigarettes With Massive Drinking Binge

The government has finally succeeded in wishing cigarettes out of existence, after nodding through a series of anti-smoking measures on their third reading without going through all that tiresome rigmarole of voting. MPs - who welcomed the measure as a way of kicking the public back, after finding out how much of their expenses they were being forced to repay - were said to be celebrating their victory this lunchtime by raiding the House of Commons cellars and drinking to the health of the nation, with rows of tequila slammers lined up in the Members' Bars.

Under the proposals, newsagents will only be allowed to sell cigarettes if they can conjure them out of a hat placed discreetly under the counter, in the unlikely event that anyone should want a packet and name a brand correctly. The wall behind the counter presently covered with cancer sticks will, by 2013, be filled instead with Mr Richard Desmond's educational anti-discrimination magazines extolling the virtues of Asian Babes and the Over 40s.

Any diehard smokers foolish enough to persist in their vile perversion will be forced at all times to wear a sandwich board proclaiming "I AM A TWAT" on the front, with an exhortation on the back to "KICK ME", and to ring a handbell warning decent people that they are at large. Meanwhile, their homes will be marked out with a white cross in chalk on the front door and they will be forbidden from receiving visitors, while their names and addresses will be made available by the police in the hope that intolerant vigilantes will hack them to death with machetes.

Backbench Labour MP Ian McCartney, who tabled the amendment to the Health Bill, told MPs that tobacco was "the only product in Britain that can be sold legally, which routinely kills and injures its bastard customers."

"Alcohol, private vehicles, kitchen cutlery, garden equipment, DIY tools, baths, stairs, food and high-strength prescription medication are, of course, completely safe in all circumstances," he cautioned as he slid to the floor, adding: "Hic."

Health Nazis Target Drivers With 380mm Rocket Shells

Britain's new Smokebannführer, Professor Terence Stephenson, has called on the government to issue shoot-to-kill orders on parents who light up while driving with children in their cars.

Resplendent in his shiny new black uniform, the newly-appointed Chancellor of the Reichskollege of Paediatrics and Child Health issued his strident call from the commander's hatch of a Stürmtiger tank, parked on a bridge overlooking the M25.

"Achtung! Der vellgeknöwenfact ist zat der schmökers' childrens spend ze brief, stunted lifes coughing up der own trachaeae, before expiring in der sticky explosion of tar und lungs before reaching puberty," he screamed, firing off a huge rocket-propelled shell into the face of a van driver holding a cigarette out of the window. "Parents who force ze liddel childrens to breathe der zweitehandeschmökens might as vell pour ze reeking contents of ze strassbandsbrazier down zer tender throats."

"Make no mistake, schmöker schwein," he continued. "Today I haf your car in my sights! Tomorrow, you can expect ze knock on ze door in ze middle of ze night. Childrens! Do your parents own ein zippo, hein? It is your duty to report zem to me at vunce! Anyvun who asks to see evidence proving ze existence of der zweitehandgeschmökenskrankheit is der traitor! Zey, zer family und zer friends vill be herded into ze nearest church und burned alive - zey vill zen be fined for atmospheric pollutions. Resistance is useless! If you gif up der schmökes, you vill last for a thousand years! Health Hitler!"

A 10 Downing Street spokesman commented: "The Prime Minister is most interested in the Reichspresident's suggestion, as it chimes with his natural instinct to ruthlessly track down and kill joy wherever it is to be found. There is a problem, however, as it also clashes with his other natural instinct, which is to clobber people with tax, tax and more tax."

"Have you got a telephone?" he added. "That'll be 50p a month. Welcome to the digital revolution, suckers."

Government To Sweep Cigarettes Under The Counter

The government today announced life-saving plans to pretend that cigarettes don’t exist.

The lethal death-sticks will be hidden from sight at counters up and down the country, a move which health campaigners say will prevent the exceptionally stupid - whom they define as young people - from purchasing them.

“If cigarettes are removed from public display, people will just walk past the supermarket’s fag counter, assuming that it only sells lottery tickets,” said the BMA’s Dr Benito Hitler. “Of course, the counter will have to be six feet high to contain all the fag packets, but that will be an extra disincentive to buy these deadly hell-tubes. Especially for the short, who are particularly at risk as there is less of them to be eaten away by cancer.”

Ministers are also minded to replace counter staff with uniformed police. Furthermore, smokers will be banned from mentioning any brand names, forcing them to request the tar-and-nicotine cocktail of their choice in code. Examples include:

20 B&H: “I have a huge wart on my private parts”;

A multipack of Marlboro: “I touch small children”;

A packet of Rizlas: “I am wearing a bomb belt.”

Smokers will also have their photographs and fingerprints taken, with the details being added to the police database under the heading ‘sociopathic recidivists and probable criminal masterminds'.

The ghost of record-breaking multi-instrumentalist Roy Castle, speaking through a British Medical Association-approved medium, endorsed the new measures, saying: “I speak for all non-smokers when I say my death was entirely caused by breathing other people’s second-hand smoke, despite an annoying-but-irrelevant lack of evidence for this belief. Anyone who dares to question me is a dangerous subversive and should be reported to the authorities immediately. Buy Niquitin, kids - it’s a record habit-breaker!”

Does Smoking Drive You Mad?

From today, patients will no longer be permitted to smoke in the buildings or grounds of mental hospitals. The Department of Health says the ban goes “towards ending an unacceptable health inequality”.

MIND’s policy director, Sophie Corlett, says that mental inpatients are the only people not allowed to smoke inside – or indeed outside – their living quarters. The charity has called for more help and support for those who want to quit smoking. It has, however, been strangely silent about those who might not.

The government was keen to point out that inpatients had restricted rights, and besides the general perception among the public was that they were a bunch of raving lunatics who spent every waking minute devising new ways in which to slaughter the first person they caught sight of.

“OK, it’s possible that there might be one or two patients who have been sectioned because they are so utterly depressed that they keep trying to kill themselves,” admitted a junior health minister. “These people might, perhaps, not be in altogether the best frame of mind to cope with the withdrawal symptoms associated with suddenly giving up smoking. But it’s for their own good, and they’ll thank us for it one day. What these people really need is a damned good slap, anyway. Why don’t they just pull themselves together?”

The department also took the opportunity to unveil its exciting new techniques in the treatment of mental patients - such as inviting the paying public in on Sundays to laugh at the loonies, spinning them in a giant box for hours until they lose consciousness, blasting them twice daily with high-pressure water hoses, forcing them into a chemically-induced coma for a month, and banging a metal spike into their heads to release the evil spirits.

See No Evil, Buy No Evil

Health Secretary Alan Johnson has welcomed Scottish plans to ban the open display of cigarette packets in shops.

“Smokers are notoriously stupid,” he said, “And if they actually can’t see any fags on display, it’ll never occur to them to ask. They’ll just think that cigarettes have become extinct or something, and voila! Everyone gives up. Vote Labour.”

Retailers are less keen on moving cigarettes under the counter, however, pointing out that, in order to contain the range of brands on sale, the counter will have to be about nine feet high.

“Let’s hope they never get a bee in their bonnet about alcohol sales,” said a spokesman for the leading supermarkets, “Or we’re going to need skyscrapers.”

Something For The Fag-End

Plans to force cigarette sales under the counter are being considered by the government, in an attempt to cut smoking and discourage children from taking up the habit.

The proposals include the removal of cigarettes from shop displays, and the elimination of vending machines, but easing restrictions on the sale of nicotine replacements.

Public Health Minister Dawn Primarolo said: “It is a well-known fact that the only reason children smoke is that they see a wall of deadly cigarette packets behind the newsagent every time they buy a nice, healthy bar of cocoa-flavoured fat or a life-adding bottle of dilute phosphoric acid. Their innocent minds are subtly bombarded by these gaily-coloured packets with their hip, cool catchphrases such as ‘Smoking kills’, ‘Tobacco makes your unborn child grow up hating you’ and ‘People will laugh and point at you when you smoke’ - and before they know it they are addicted, with raddled lungs, toxic breath and cancer of the entire body. They’re lucky if they don’t dissolve in a reeking puddle of tar on the spot. Smokers are sick, child-murdering drug dealers, and it is the duty of every right-thinking person to hunt the perverts down and string them up immediately.”

Twitching Lottery scratchcard addicts, meanwhile, have expressed some concerns about the plans, fearing that, if every smoker in the queue has to ask what brands are in stock, each transaction is likely to take most of the day.

Smokers’ groups have also poured scorn on the scheme, saying: “What next? Is this grim, sour-faced old bag going to claim that the merest sight of an adult with a cigarette makes children instantly addicted? Why not just ban all smoking in the streets and the home, Ms Hitlerolo, and introduce a shoot-to-kill policy while you’re at it?”

They were then interrupted by a five-minute coughing fit.

“Good idea,” said Mrs Primarolo. “Let me write that down.”

Warning: Reading This Article Can Seriously Damage Your Health

A Liverpool anti-smoking group with the backing of the city council has called for an ‘18’ certificate for all films in which smoking is depicted. The British Board of Film Censors has rejected the demands, saying that such a ban would be “heavy-handed”.

However, Mr Andy Jobsworth, chair-perchild of SmokeFree Liverpool and the city’s head of Public Protection and Paperclip Procurement, argued that “one or two – whoops, of course I mean one in two - children between 11 and 18 who witness smoking in movies actually experiment with – and therefore start – smoking themselves. Then, of course, they suffer a horrible, lingering death after callously murdering all their friends and relatives, as well as anyone they have ever met.”

Mr Jobsworth said that if the BBFC would not act, then Liverpool might use the licensing laws to ban films locally. He did not rule out pulling down TV transmitters to save children from the pernicious influence of Dot Cotton, removing lemonade shandy from supermarket shelves because it lures innocent children into inevitable alcoholism and horrible, lingering death, and banning kissing, which invariably results in teenage pregnancies. And horrible, lingering death.

“We are also banning the evil Radio 4,” screamed Mr Jobsworth from his rubber cell in the Town Hall basement. “I have incontrovertible evidence - from no less an authority than Wikipedia - that this irresponsible organisation shamelessly promotes reasoned discussion of topical issues, which can lead impressionable people to the fatal conclusion that thinking about things is an acceptable mode of behaviour that will somehow not lead to a horrible, lingering death.”