Pope Tells Non-Heteros: 'Jesus Would Rather Save A Tree Than You'

Pope Benedict XVI has issued his traditional Christmas message to homosexuals and transsexuals, telling them that Jesus hates them.

In his traditional end-of-year message to senior Vatican staff, God's favourite ex-Hitler Youth flak gunner emphasised that saving the world from a tidal wave of bum-fornication was at least as important as protecting the rainforests. He went on to say that gender theory was yet another example of the evils of rational thinking and, in his opinion, the Catholic Church made a big mistake when it stopped burning people at the stake for possession of a telescope. 

"The little baby Jesus was given to us to save the trees, the parrots and the monkeys," said God's vicar on Earth. "But I say unto you that leather-clad nancy boys, hairy-footed bull-dykes and those walking abominations with tits and willies in particular won't be sharing heaven with the monkeys. They will be screaming in well-earned torment, mincing about in the fiery pit for all eternity with red-hot pokers up their jacksies. Amen."

"Unless they happen to be Catholic priests, of course," he added. "In that case,  least said, soonest mended."

All across overwhelmingly-Catholic Brazil, well-hung ladyboys were reported to be in floods of tears - apart from the ones living in the rainforests, who said they were hoping for a blanket inclusion into the kingdom of heaven.