Friday, 30 May 2008

Blair to Devote Life to Promoting Self-Belief

Former Prime Minister Tony Blair says he intends to devote the rest of his life to uniting the world’s religions.

Launching his religious foundation in New York, the recent Catholic convert and advisor to Mammon said that faith could be ‘a civilising force in globalisation’, telling Time magazine that religious belief had given him strength while in power.

“Hey, look,” said Mr Blair, “All I’m saying is that God is a pretty regular kind of guy, and if everyone had faith then all of the world’s problems would be solved instantly.”

“Obviously I’m not talking about nutters who blow themselves up,” he went on. “But I think people want a straight-talking sort of God - someone who moves among them in a very real sense, bringing peace to the Middle East and prosperity to the financial community. Someone with experience of leading a nation in times of war, or indeed leading a nation into war. If only we could find a figure of such stature. What, me? Hey, it honestly never occurred to me. But if the world were to ask me to be their God, then I suppose I would have to humbly consider the voice of the people before accepting the role that was thrust upon me.”

Government to Tackle Ideas Poverty

The current – well, current when this item was being written – Prime Minister Gordon Brown has announced plans to combat ideas poverty in Britain.

Announcing a range of half-baked schemes to make it look like he cares about rising fuel costs, Mr Brown unveiled funding of £2.50 to Citizens’ Advice Bureaux to tell people how to save energy, a 99p grant to householders who install their own wind and solar generators, and a proposal to divulge poor people’s confidential details to energy companies in the vague hope that they might shed a tear and offer more competitive tariffs.

Campaigners, however, say the plans will make little difference, and that Mr Brown’s terrible poverty of imagination will continue to leave people cold.

Remote, Uncivilised Tribe Discovered In South England

Pictures of one of the world’s last remaining indigenous tribes has been revealed to the world by a helicopter flying over a remote part of Southern England.

The black-suited tribe are seen emerging from their glass-and-steel dwellings in the remote City of London region and pointing their Blackberries at the helicopter in a threatening manner.

There has never been any contact between the outside world and the isolated natives of the City, who are completely ignorant of the benefits of civilisation, such as Coronation Street, takeaway meals and fuel poverty. Their remote hideaway, in the middle of a forest of tall buildings, is surrounded by a security cordon designed to keep reality at bay.

There are fears that if the tribe ever came into contact with ordinary people, they would soon succumb to Western concepts to which they have no resistance, such as flying bricks. As a result, the government takes strenuous efforts to protect their seclusion.

An official in the department which is tasked with looking after the tribe’s extensive interests – known as ‘the government’ – said that the flight was authorised “to show they are there, to show they exist… this is very important because there are some who doubt their existence, and think that the government is in some way responsible for all of the problems facing the world.”

“It isn’t,” he added. “It’s all down to this lot. Nevertheless, threats against them would be a monumental crime against the natural order, namely that the rich should always feather their own nests at everyone else’s expense.”

Thursday, 29 May 2008

Brown Bans Clusterfucks

Following an international conference in Dublin, Gordon Brown has announced that the UK is to end the use of clusterfucks.

More than 100 nations have agreed the ban on the deadly weapons delivery systems, in which one enormous bombshell opens in mid-air above the target and showers those below with multiple smaller munitions, or ‘fucklets’ which spread over a wide area. Critics of the weapons say that these can smoulder away for years before exploding.

During the conference, delegates heard harrowing stories from clusterfuck victims. Gordon Brown spoke movingly of how his predecessor, Tony Blair, dropped clusterfucks indiscriminately during his ten years in office.

“Blair clusterfucked me completely last year,” wept Mr Brown. “After engaging in multiple clusterfucking operations on behalf of President Bush in Iraq and Afghanistan, he just couldn’t stop dropping these things. Ever since I took over the job of Prime Minister, the bombs he left behind have been exploding under my feet. Now I’m being clusterfucked by his friends, who are indiscriminately dropping delayed-action books all over the place. I’m crippled for the rest of my shortened life.”

However, world powers like the US, China and Russia – which have huge stockpiles of ready-to-use clusterfucks – have opposed the move. Furthermore, the ban only covers existing designs - meaning that Mr Brown could legitimately come up with clusterfucking designs of his own for future use.

Couldn't Happen Here

The Himalayan nation of Nepal has become the world’s newest republic, ending 240 years of monarchy in the tiny mountain state.

Nepalese people celebrated wildly in the streets after the historic vote by the 601-seat constituent assembly, which stated that the country was “an independent, indivisible, sovereign, secular and an inclusive democratic republic nation.”

The deeply-unpopular King Gyanendra has been given two weeks to vacate his palace, which will be transformed into a museum, but will be free to stay in Nepal as a private citizen.

“We are pleased to see the demise of the archaic, medieval system of monarchic rule in Nepal,” said Prime Minister Gordon Brown. “It is an affront to fairness and democracy that such an anachronistic and totally unrepresentative institution should have survived into the modern age. How ridiculous that ultimate power should be invested in an unelected head of state who is completely cut off from the trials and tribulations of ordinary people.”

He then went to Buckingham Palace for his weekly policy discussion with the Queen, who told him much the same thing.

Mosley: "How Dare They Link My Name With Fascism"

Motorsport chief Max Mosley is to sue the News of the World over its claims that he indulged in a Nazi-themed orgy with prostitutes, after the newspaper won the legal right to post video footage of the alleged encounter on its website.

The 67-year-old president of the FIA is claiming defamation and breach of privacy against the paper, admitting that he visited the prostitutes but denying the Nazi connotations.

“I freely admit to being a depraved, disgusting old pervert,” said a naked and proud Mosley. “But how dare they link my name with Nazism? It’s a disgrace that people should be reminded that I am in fact the son of Sir Oswald Mosley - the UK’s leading proponent of fascism, apologist for Hitler and Mussolini and would-be dictator of Britain.”

Knives Out For Shock Campaign

A Home Office advertising campaign which aims to shock young people out of carry knives by using graphic depictions of knife wounds has been criticised by the mother of a stabbing victim.

Ann Rock – whose 21-year-old son Christopher was nearly killed last year in an unprovoked attack – said: “Kids will just laugh at this.”

The campaign – designed by teenagers – includes a viral video showing knife wounds, and a card depicting a mutilated hand, which will be handed out to children in shopping centres.

We sent one of our unimportant junior researchers out into the streets with copies of the adverts to gauge public reaction.

“Cool!” said one teenager. “He’s got no thumb.”

“I don’t carry a knife,” said another, “But I don’t want to end up like that. Maybe I should get one after all.”

“You’re under arrest for corrupting minors,” said PC Savage. “Showing sick photos to kids? You come with me to the station, matey, and I’ll show you the injuries I can inflict with a biro.”

Unsafe At Any Speed

Road safety campaigners have called on the BBC to axe Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson, after he bragged at the Hay Festival about driving at excessive speed on a public highway.

“I got a great speeding ticket,” Britain’s leading petrolhead said. “I think it was 186 in the Limehouse Link.”

Clarkson’s comments were blasted as “bragging and boasting” by bereaved father Steve Mohabir, the only survivor when a speeding BMW crossed the central reservation and ploughed into his vehicle, killing seven.

Mary Williams, chief executive of road safety charity Brake, demanded Clarkson’s sacking, saying: “Jeremy Clarkson is extremely offensive and irresponsible.”

“Of course,” replied the BBC. “And so are his viewers. That’s what we pay him for.”

Wednesday, 28 May 2008

Gordon Brown Was Victim of 'Unhappy Slapping'

Gordon Brown may be the victim of a so-called ‘unhappy slapping’, according to reports.

The battered Prime Minister was found hiding in a bush on Sunday. Several backbench Labour MPs are now under investigation by party whips after they queued up in front of cameras to repeatedly slap the hapless PM in the face with fuel duty, the 10p tax rate, rising food prices, failing to stand up to China, the Northern Rock bail-out and a huge list of other failings.

Mr Brown appeared on video footage, trying to plead that he was a victim of a global financial crisis - but his attackers merely slapped him again, saying that his media presentation skills were so abysmal that people wouldn’t believe him if he said the sea was quite damp.

“We’re unhappy, so we’re slapping Gordon, right?” said one of his attackers. “We’re stuck in dead-end jobs, with no prospects of retaining our seats at the next general election no matter what we do. We ain’t got no respect for the rules of society, ‘cos society ain’t got no respect for us. So you can’t blame us for kicking poor old Gordon out of sheer frustration. Our old man Tony kicked the miserable git for eleven years, it’s how we was brought up, innit? Hansard! Respect.”

It's In The Air For You And Me

A senior official at the Nuclear Decommissioning Authority has revealed that the bill for cleaning up Britain’s ageing nuclear reactor sites could soar above the current estimate of £73bn – which was itself revised upwards in January by the National Audit Office, from an original figure of £12bn.

“Back in the fifties, nobody had a clue how to close down these atomic installations,” said Dr Jim Strangelove. “But they just said, ‘Hey, not our problem!’ and went right ahead and built the damned things anyway. Their strategy for the safe disposal of radioactive waste was to dig a few ruddy great ponds and bung the lot in. We haven’t the faintest idea of how much there is, nor what to do with it when we haul it out. We even asked veteran German futureheads Kraftwerk to tell the radioactivity to stop, but sadly it just went right on emitting particles.”

When asked how much the final clean-up bill might be, Dr Strangelove smiled and said, “It’ll probably end up costing the Earth.”

Big Brother's Believe-It-Or-Not Odditorium

Channel 4 has unveiled the largest ever Big Brother house for the forthcoming ninth series of the once-popular freakshow.

“We've got a really exciting group of housemates ready to go into the Big Brother house,” said creative director Sharon Powers. “I know - it’s hard to believe isn’t it! Most secure units won’t even open our letters nowadays.”

The new Big Brother 9 house is in the form of a large striped marquee, and is decorated with statues of the Bearded Lady, the Wild Man of Borneo, a mermaid and the Thing With Two Heads, so the housemates will feel completely at home. There is also a larger garden than ever before, which contestants will take longer to run round in the buff, and a sumptuous bathroom with flowers, greenery and a glass potty containing a hidden camera which will allow viewers to witness the housemates’ most creative moments.

Tuesday, 27 May 2008

This Country's Trucked

Britain’s road haulage industry is planning to bring traffic to a grinding halt in London today, to protest at rising fuel costs.

“We’d like to say we’re speaking up for every hard-hit motorist in the country,” said leading trucker Wayne Crowbar. “We aren’t, of course - because as usual we’re motivated purely by our own selfish greed - but it’s nice to think that all those silly sods who read the tabloids are behind us. And not just in 20-mile tailbacks, either.”

According to a tear-stained fax we received from Transaction 2007, who are helping to organise the protest, hundreds of loyal British hauliers are going out of business because wicked, scheming foreigners can buy their fuel at rock-bottom prices on the continent - where it is of course completely untaxed, and also strangely unavailable to UK-based companies.

“Our long campaign to utterly destroy the railfreight industry - which began in the fifties and has been enthusiastically assisted by every Transport Secretary ever since, apart from that villain Shirley Williams, who stupidly stopped Dr Beeching from completely wrecking the railways – is all but complete, and we thought we had everything nicely stitched up“ - sorry - “sewn up,” said the press release. “Now we’ve discovered to our utter amazement that using 20 lorries to carry the same tonnage as one train uses quite a bit of fuel. All we want is a gigantic bung from the taxpayer. If we don’t get it, you’ll just end up paying for it indirectly at the supermarkets - but at least our way you won’t notice it so much.”

Meanwhile, Eddie Stobart fans from all over the country with nothing better to occupy their lives were converging on London for an orgy of truck-spotting, and mayor Boris Johnson was gleefully planning ways to spend the unexpected windfall in congestion charges from hundreds of 18-wheelers converging on Downing Street to demand a rebate just for themselves.

Work Makes You Free - Tories Unveil New Employment Policy

The Conservatives have set out their plans to get Britain’s unemployed youth into work.

Under the proposals, anyone under 21 out of work for three months would be sent on “an intense programme of work-related activity” such as breaking rocks, perhaps, or sewing mailbags. If they were still on the dole twelve months later, they would be moved to a one-year community work programme - possibly building motorways or a luxurious mountaintop retreat for David Cameron.

“Thank you, Cameron,” said one young jobseeker in Cornwall, facing the worst job prospects in England. “If I mugged someone, I’d get 28 days community service - but if I don’t find a non-existent job in this poverty-stricken job vacuum, I’ll get twelve months. Perhaps that’s why everyone down here votes Lib Dem.”

See No Evil, Buy No Evil

Health Secretary Alan Johnson has welcomed Scottish plans to ban the open display of cigarette packets in shops.

“Smokers are notoriously stupid,” he said, “And if they actually can’t see any fags on display, it’ll never occur to them to ask. They’ll just think that cigarettes have become extinct or something, and voila! Everyone gives up. Vote Labour.”

Retailers are less keen on moving cigarettes under the counter, however, pointing out that, in order to contain the range of brands on sale, the counter will have to be about nine feet high.

“Let’s hope they never get a bee in their bonnet about alcohol sales,” said a spokesman for the leading supermarkets, “Or we’re going to need skyscrapers.”

Monday, 26 May 2008

Eurovision Unpopularity Contest Win For UK

Britons are still celebrating today, after winning the Eurovision Unpopularity Contest at the weekend.

The contest, in which Andy Abraham irritated an entire continent with a song people might actually dance to, saw Britain receive 14 points from Ireland and San Marino, making it officially the most unpopular country in Europe. Russia came bottom of the list - its enormous popularity among its former satellite states partly a reflection of their fraternal love, and partly an expression of hope for an extension on their unpaid gas bills.

One of the three shepherds who comprise the population of San Marino later said he had misunderstood the voting system, as San Marino’s first telephone had only just been nailed to the tiny state’s tree.

Meanwhile, Sir Terry Wogan has hinted that the contest - hosted by warm, friendly Serbs in the spirit of friendship, peace and co-operation that has made them so popular with the neighbours they haven’t massacred – may be the last he hosts.

“You have to say this is no longer a music contest,” Sir Wogan revealed to a shocked public. “It’s all about these sneaky, underhand Eastern Europeans voting for their next door neighbours - totally unlike Britain and Ireland of course, who only always give each other high marks out of a genuine respect for real musical talent.”

Sir Wogan then asked if somebody would be so kind as to return his rattle - which had unaccountably fallen out of his commentary pram - adding: “I have to decide whether I want to do this again. Serious changes will have to be made - especially to the size of my cheque. Hic.”

Exeter Faces World's Worst Terrorist Attack

The inhabitants of the quiet Devon city of Exeter are struggling to pick up their lives, after becoming the target of the World’s Worst Terrorist Attack last week.

The incident saw the World’s Worst Terrorist – Mr Blimey O’Reilly from Plymouth – take his jerry-built firework 45 miles up the A38 on the Exeter bus before successfully blowing his own face off in a toilet.

Staff at Giraffes Restaurant said they heard three sharp cracks as O’Blimey’s cracker went off.

“I thought, ‘Oh, brilliant. That lardy janner’s gone and busted the lav’,” said one of the staff. “Then he came staggering out of the gents with blood on his face and I thought, ‘Must’ve tripped and fallen head-first into the urinal, then.’ It was only when he said, ‘O bugger me, moy bleddy bomb din’ bleddy wurk!’ that I realised I had in fact witnessed the Worst Terrorist Attack in the World. I called the Guinness Book of Records, then the police.”

Devon and Cornwall Police followed up the incident by mounting an armed raid on a pavement cafĂ© in Plymouth on Friday, arresting a man for Looking Like He Weren’t From Round Here in a public place. A passing student captured the chaos in the World’s Worst Mobile Phone Footage of Something Happening.

Exonians are displaying typical British stoicism in the face of the attack. “We thought the suicide bomber who set himself on fire in Scotland last year was pretty damned useless,” said one, “But if you wanted to find someone even dimmer than that, I suppose Plymouth would be the place to look. I’m trying to get back to normality, but I’m afraid it’ll be a while before I stop laughing.”

The police later revealed that Blimey O’Reilly was known to them beforehand.

“Oh yes, we knew he was useless ages ago,” said a force spokesman at the Exeter HQ. “In fact we were hoping he’d blow himself up on the Shoplifters’ Express on the way up and take all those thieving Plymoid chavs with him.”