Saturday, 20 November 2010

MoD Places £12bn Order For Tinfoil Hats

The XM-32 has been extensively field-tested
Swivel-eyed defence secretary Dr Liam Fox announced today that, in response to PM David Cameron’s instructions to prevent further embarrassing leaks from his department, he has placed an order worth £12bn with British Aerospace to ensure that all members of the armed forces and civil servants at the Ministry of Defence will be issued with a tinfoil hat.

“These BAe hats represent the cutting edge of mind-reading prevention technology,” wrote Dr Fox, in a Most Classified memo to Mr Cameron which he faxed to every newsroom in the country. “I have been wearing one since 1998, following the expert advice of my top military advisor, David Icke, and I can safely say that nobody on or off earth – including myself – has the faintest idea of what goes on inside my head.”

When editors rang the top secret hotline number listed in the memo to query the excessive cost of providing Bacofoil, Dr Fox responded: “All tenders for MoD contracts undergo rigorous scrutiny by leading experts in the fields of dowsing, alien forensics and numerology. BAe beat off highly competitive bids from Raytheon, Thales and Asda, incidentally providing work for up to 100,000 British workers, living and dead.”

“Although Asda provided the lowest competitive tender, at £3.50 per 30m roll,” he explained, “Their bid was automatically disqualified, because they are not on the list of preferred bidders for defence contracts.”

“Between you, me and the gatepost, the real reason for Asda’s exclusion is that their owner, Wal-Mart – the largest corporation in the world – is secretly run by the Illuminati,” he revealed conspiratorially, by flashing the message from a blimp tethered over central London.

Magic Speaking Box Will Stop Floods, PM Assures Natives

Feeds six
Exploring the foetid swamps of darkest Cornwall, prime minister David Cameron delighted the backward natives by producing a box full of magic talking boxes from a crate carried by one of his porters and presenting it to the astonished tribesfolk.

“Magic box sing like bird,” he announced slowly and deliberately, demonstrating a range of irritating ringtones. “But magic box mainly oracle. Magic box talk. Magic box predict rainy season.”

Before the popping eyes of Cornwall’s amazed primitives, Mr Cameron proceeded to ring the Met Office’s Weathercall line for Devon and Cornwall. Tribal chiefs pressed excitedly round to hear the 10-day forecast, then fell to their knees to make obeisance to their new god, Tre-Pol-Pen, or ‘Box-That-Speaks’.

Mr Cameron patiently explained that the new god would always warn them of impending floods - enabling them to weave primitive buckets from twigs, in time for the day their hovels and caves disappear each year under torrents of mud and excrement.

He also condescended to explain to the dancing tribe that one day, when missionaries came to teach them to read the bible, they would also be able to decipher mystic symbols which would magically appear on the front of the talking box just before the monsoons began.

He was then cooked and eaten.

Later, a T-Mobile spokesman expressed his regret that the company was currently unable to accept turnips by direct debit, but would accept tribute for a pay-as-you-go contract if the Cornish tribe left fruit, vegetables and virgins on the banks of the Tamar every 90 days.

Friday, 19 November 2010

Lord Young Has Had It For Good

Lord Young has had it for good, after resigning in shame from his post as David Cameron’s business advisor for telling the public - in the midst of the worst recession since 1945 – they had “never had it so good.”

Lord Young’s comment, made in the middle of a highly agreeable lunch with a nodding Daily Telegraph reporter, echoed the autocratic and ill-advised words of an earlier Tory prime minister, Harold Macmillan, who also got a lot of stick for talking out of his arse.
David Cameron distances himself from Lord Young
According to the former trade and industry secretary in Margaret Thatcher’s cabinet, the British people are wallowing blissfully in huge piles of cash - thanks to the low interest rate which, in the cherished la-la land which exists inside his head, the mortgage lenders and credit card companies have assiduously passed on to their debt-ridden customers.

He cheerfully added that, once the recession was over, people would look back and “wonder what all the fuss was about” possibly in the same way that nobody nowadays has a very clear idea of what the First World War was all about.

As the inevitable storm erupted and the embarrassing enterprise tsar tendered his resignation, PM David Cameron took great pains to point out that Lord Young was just an offensive, inaccurate idiot who “isn’t a member of the government, he doesn’t speak for the government and I think he’ll be doing a bit less speaking in future” - deftly skirting around a somewhat inconvenient issue, namely that he was handpicked personally by Mr Cameron for his supposed expertise.

A spokesman - standing in while Lord Young waits for doctors to dissolve the superglue binding his lips together – suggested that the disgraced peer had merely misplaced a comma.

“”David Young was merely trying to sum up the core of Conservative philosophy,” he offered. “What he meant to say on the subject of wealth is simply that most of the British people have never had it, so good.”

Hitler Encouraged Allied Extremists To Invade Europe, Say Police

Without all that Nuremberg hoohah, say police, these extremists might never have been recruited
Britain’s police chiefs tonight expanded on their earlier statement that the rise of far-right groups like the English Defence League is encouraging Islamic extremism, pointing out that the violent invasion of mainland Europe in 1944 by militant Allied groups was similarly encouraged by Hitler.

“If I could go back in time,” explained Detective Superintendant Savage, “What I’d say to Mr Hitler and his boys is, ‘Look, could you just tone it down a little, lads? You’re being a bit counter-productive here.’”

“All that patriotic marching up and down in jackboots just gave extremist troublemakers like Eisenhower and Churchill the excuse they needed to justify terror bombing and fighting in the streets,” he continued, “And look how that ended up. Instead of embodying Hitler’s visionary ideas of order, Europe was forcibly converted at gunpoint to liberal democracy, which makes life bloody awkward for us coppers.”

Thursday, 18 November 2010

British Barracks Echo To Sound Of Sobbing

Sorry lads, the divisional sock will still be empty
British military personnel spend an average of eight hours a day crying inconsolably over the government’s defence cuts, the Ministry of Defence admitted today in a tear-stained report on morale.

“Nothing brightens a soldier’s day like seeing a Harrier jump-jet bouncing gaily about,” according to the leaked document, which claims that the issuing of Kerchiefs, Hand, L2A2 (White) by quartermasters has seen a fifty-fold increase since the publication of the Strategic Defence And Security Review, “And Jack Tar is not so jolly either, after being told that one of the shiny new floating playgrounds he was promised is going to be put away in the attic, still in its original packaging, and he’ll have to share the other with smelly French boys.”

“We’ve told our boys and girls that they’ll just have to be brave and make do with fewer toys,” commented distraught defence chief Sir David Richards. “I’ve tried to explain to them that new toys cost an awful lot of money, but they don’t really understand. It’s so hard when I see the tears welling up in their eyes. I want to give them all a big, big hug and tell them to write to Santa Fox telling him they’ve been good, but it’s just giving them false hope.”

Prime minister David Cameron has called the recent spate of leaks ‘worrying’, although defence correspondents are unable to ascertain whether he is referring to MoD documents or sniffling squaddies.

Japanese Minister Under Pressure To Resign For Telling The Truth About Lying

Nobody would have a problem if he'd just kept lying
Japan’s justice minister, Yanagida Minoru, is facing demands for his resignation today, after admitting to supporters in Hiroshima Prefecture that his job was easy and simply involved covering his complete ignorance of departmental issues with one of two stock fibs in parliament: “I won’t comment on individual cases” and “I’m acting in accordance with the law and the evidence.”

Opposition conservatives have reacted with fury to hearing the minister’s frank confession.

“We fully expect members of parliament to lie through their teeth and cover up a blissful ignorance of what goes on in their departments,” commented one former minister. “After all, we’re no experts. An election is a popularity contest, and has nothing to do with expertise, insight or understanding of what actually goes on. That is how representative democracy works. How dare Mr Yanagida drop the pretence?”

“Er… what I meant to say is that Yanagida Minoru has brought unforgivable shame upon himself and his party by his cynical attitude to important matters of state,” he added, under withering glares from parliamentary colleagues. “I'm afraid that whatever is the matter with him, it appears to be catching.”

Prime minister Kan Naoto later gave Mr Yanagida a severe warning, ordering him to remember the importance of maintaining a charade at all times, not just during parliamentary debates.

Wednesday, 17 November 2010

Cornish Tribal Elders Urged To Perform Ceremonial Drain Dance

The fabled entrance to the Cornish underworld
Waterlogged Cornish tribesfolk are angrily demanding to know why the drain god is angry with them, as the entire county lies submerged under two feet of muddy water and turds.

“Every year, tree gods send gift of leaves down holes to underworld kingdom of mighty drain god,” grunted Derek Baynton, a hunter gatherer from Lostwithiel whose wattle-and-daub hovel was washed away last night. “This year he not eat leaves. Derek poke hole with pointy twig, find hole jammed solid. Derek ask himself if damn drain god down there at all.”

“Derek remember good old days of district council. Man roll in on council cart muttering traditional curse words, sweep up leaves, suck crap out of drain with magic box and bugger off happy,” he recalled. “No floods.”

“Now elders run whole damn show from Truro, Derek up to his knees in mud and shite,” he added morosely. “Where man now? Man down St Austell Jobcentre every Tuesday.”

Cornwall’s tribal chief, Alec Robertson, told explorers from the BBC: “This not fault of tribal elders. Elders work jolly hard for Cornwall tribe, do big song and dance at County Hall. This act of gods. No fault of Alec if tree gods too bloody generous with drain god tribute. He no-good lazy bugger. We send Peter Tatlow from Highway Services hut, he shout bad words at drain god until bastard swallow water and shit like he supposed to.”

Cave dwellers throughout Cornwall are unimpressed, however.

“Unless big chief Alec get fat arse down here damn quick and amuse dopey god with drain dance ritual, Alec find himself down hole at end of long stick, meet drain god in person,” warned Mr Baynton darkly.

Sci-Fi Geeks Hail Creation of Antimatter Atom, Demand Time Travel And Starships By Monday

Don't just stand there gawping, I need warp factor 7 by Monday
Millions of people who unashamedly own a complete DVD set of Babylon 5 have hailed today’s news that Cern physicists have successfully held 38 antimatter atoms together for a fifth of a second as the long-awaited breakthrough which will enable us all to travel freely throughout the space-time continuum by next week.

“We build a strong 'magnetic bottle' around where we produce the antihydrogen and, if they're not moving too quickly, they are trapped," explained Professor Jeff Hangst of Denmark’s Aarhus University, who works on the Alpha antihydrogentrapping project. "What we'd like to do is see if there's some difference that we don't understand yet between matter and antimatter."

“Do that later,” urged Zaphod Tribble, a 39-year-old kidult from Birmingham with a large but ultimately tragic collection of flip-up mobile phones. “I want to see what happens when I fire photon torpedoes into black holes, so ideally I need a Battlestar if you can manage it - although I’ll settle for a Voyager-class ship, as long as it comes equipped with a Seven Of Nine.”

"We have a long way to go yet; these are atoms that don't live long enough to do anything with them,” cautioned Professor Gerald Gabrielse of Harvard, who first created antihydrogen in 2002. “So we need a lot more atoms and a lot longer times before it's really useful - but one has to crawl before you sprint.”

“Yes, yes, great,” interrupted Mr Tribble. “But could you fast-forward to the bit about how much antimatter I’ll need to get myself, a lightsabre and a DVcam to Bethlehem circa 4BC and back again? There’s an argument I’d like to settle with my YouTube nemesis, danielfaraday42.”

Tuesday, 16 November 2010

Royal Wedding Will Make Everything Right

As long as you're happy, that's the main thing
Everything that is wrong with recession-stricken Britain will be instantly rectified next year, on the magical day when an extraordinarily privileged man marries a woman who is so far only moderately privileged, according to all media sources today.

Although the absurdly lucky couple have not yet set a date for what is already being universally hailed as the marriage of the millennium, by the time spring and summer roll around there is expected to be no shortage of freshly-unemployed people to line the streets of London and wish the obscenely-cossetted couple every happiness and comfort denied to themselves.

Iain Duncan Smith is now hoping to use the royal wedding as a pretext for rushing his drastic benefit reforms through parliament in time to bus every jobless in Britain to London overnight for the joyful day - where they will be issued with a flag to wave and a map showing them where to stand for eight hours, and told that they are being given an opportunity to gain valuable work experience in the corporate PR sector.

Meanwhile, many loyal subjects who fondly think they might still have a job next year are also preparing to be ecstatic, in the unshakeable belief that the sight of a rich playboy marrying a shopaholic socialite clothes-horse will in some unspecified, intangible way make their hollow lives complete and banish all of the nation’s woes forever.

All government departments are now anxiously awaiting the date of the wedding from Buckingham Palace, so they can quietly roll out a raft of unpleasant measures – ranging from draconian to downright punitive - to coincide with the epochal event’s 100% media coverage.

Journalists Spoil Glorious Day By Cynically Reporting Other News

Looking at this is treason. How dare you
An angry David Cameron has called journalists ‘cynical’ for perversely continuing to file news items that have little or nothing to do with Prince William or Kate Middleton.

“Amid this spontaneous outpouring of British happiness, nobody wants their perfect day of national celebration spoiled by reading some unsavoury twaddle about me making an embarrassing U-turn and booting my personal photographer off the public payroll,” snapped the PM.

“Neither do elated taxpayers particularly want to hear that they’re forking out untold millions of pounds’ worth of hush money in out-of-court settlements to British citizens detained unlawfully for years at Guantanamo Bay, saving their government the deep embarrassment of seeing its dirty little secrets exposed in public courts of law,” he complained peevishly.

“There are in fact rather a lot of things that the British people need not be troubled with today,” he added. “Any journalist not currently engaged in knocking out a string of articles on ‘Kate Middleton – The Ordinary Girl From The Streets Of Buckinghamshire’ or ‘Humble War Hero William’ – or in the case of tabloid reporters, some speculative fiction under the tiresomely predictable headline ‘I Wills’ – is, quite frankly, nothing less than a traitor and you can be assured that I shall be compiling a list of the guilty and handing it to their editors, next time I have them over for lunch.”

Monday, 15 November 2010

Britain Not In Decline, Says Upstart Flunkey

The PM eagerly awaits the City's response to his optimism
Head waiter David Cameron is set to tell the City’s foremost gluttons that Britain is still a major player on the world stage, in between obsequiously serving courses at the Lord Mayor’s banquet later today.

“Begging your pardon, milords, ladies and gentlemen,” starts his keynote speech, set to begin as he humbly ushers the waddling fat cats to their reinforced seats, “But perhaps I might venture to suggest that, despite a slight loss of respect in the financial sphere…”

He will then be ceremonially damned for his impudence by the incoming mayor and urged to hurry up with the wine list.

As the bloated guests pile enthusiastically into their entrées of langoustines addressed in five ways, Cameron will make a further attempt to rise above the gaseous eruptions of guzzling bankers, ineffectually clearing his throat several times before remarking that in spite of unprecedented levels of debt, poverty and job insecurity, Britain still wastes more of its dwindling finances on its military than Russia. He will then receive the traditional cuff to the back of the head from the nearest diner, who will urge him to cut the chitter-chatter, get his bastard arse into gear and wheel in the main course.

As he carves generous portions of Waygu beef rib for each slobbering guest, Cameron will murmur that “many other countries would envy the cards we hold,” and will in turn receive a painful clip round the ear from each of them for his troubles.

Finally, during the devouring of dessert, Cameron will duck the flying gobbets of white truffle to meekly assert that he would be “defending Britain’s moral authority even in the most difficult of circumstances” - upon which the Lord Mayor will insert the customary flea in the servant’s ear and, to rousing cheers from the sated gourmands, send the upstart waiter back to his rightful place below stairs with a firmly-planted boot to the backside.

Government Embarks On Fruitless Search For Nation’s Happiness

NASA will be asked if it can point this at Britain for a week or two
The Office of National Statistics is to be sent on a fool’s errand to seek out any remaining traces of the nation’s happiness - fulfilling a meaningless pledge, made when the Tories were in opposition, to base government policies on more than just economic indicators.

“Obviously the economic indicators are now totally shot to buggery,” pointed out NAO spokesman Phil Field. “So the government is hoping to use the nation’s hypothetical sense of wellbeing as a spurious excuse to justify its impending slew of punitive legislation.”

“Unfortunately, our preliminary investigations suggest that it simply doesn’t exist,” he added. “So we’re asking for a bigger microscope.”

“It seems that the only things which mercifully divert half the country from contemplating the soul-destroying wretchedness of the rest of their blighted lives – Ann Widdecombe wobbling about in a tutu, heavily-accented meerkats and starry-eyed nobodies prostituting themselves in front of Simon Cowell – are also the very things which make the other half morosely wonder about taking out a shotgun licence,” he observed sadly. “The result so far is just a big, fat zero.”