Saturday, 10 December 2011

West Strangely Reluctant To Offer Military Support To ‘Russian Winter’ Democracy Movement

And Russian protesters are much hotter than Arabs
Despite the tempting attractions of Russia’s vast oil and gas reserves, say military experts, the United States and Britain are yet to lead NATO forces into Russia in a lightning assault to topple evil dictator Vladimir Putin’s hated regime.

As the ‘Russian Winter’ movement gathered in strength, with thousands attending rallies in cities from Moscow to the Urals to protest against the rigging of last Sunday’s elections, many were wondering whether NATO will begin its inevitable pro-democracy intervention by implementing a simple no-fly zone, or just roll across Russia’s borders in an overwhelming display of military might.

“We planned for this happy day for 45 years of the goddamn Cold War,” said retired USAF defence strategist General Buck Turgidson. “I can only assume that, after 20 years of piss-ant pacifism from those appeasing bastards on Capitol Hill, some Pentagon asshole must have misfiled them.”

“Aw, what the hell,” he added. “Let’s just get those birds in the air and see what happens.”

Politicians Beg Cat To Save Eurozone

European leaders are travelling south today to beg Tomasso, the four-year-old cat who has inherited all the money left in Italy, to consider using his new-found riches to save the ailing eurozone from imminent collapse.

There's plenty of money in the kitty
French PM Nicolas Sarkozy is understood to have enlisted the support of a squeaky rubber mouse to help persuade the world’s richest cat to underwrite European debts, while Germany’s Angela Merkel is offering Tomasso unprecedented access to a tempting ball of string.

Not to be outdone, David Cameron is flying to Rome this afternoon with a crate of catnip, possibly intending to offer the feline property magnate the governorship of the Bank of England.

“I hear Tomasso likes to spend his days mostly licking his arse,” said Mr Cameron, as he boarded his flight. “Well, I can do it for him. I’ve had plenty of experience doing that for our City bankers.”

Friday, 9 December 2011

Young Geniuses Emailed Passwords To Scammers, But ‘In Ironic Manner’

'mum u need 2 send me like 5000 lbs 4 books plz xoxo'
Hundreds of triple A*-graded young Einsteins cheerfully emailed their bank account details and passwords to phishing cyber-criminals, losing thousands of pounds each, but insist that they did so out of a deep sense of irony.

“Er I was so like making this rilly clever statement about the banks being like the real criminals right lol,” explained geography of art student Chelsey Bunn, 18 - who now has to make the remaining £1.20 of her overdraft last until June - after details emerged following the arrest of six people in London, Manchester and Bolton who are suspected of being behind the blindingly obvious scam.

“Maybe I’ll submit it as a piece of coursework,” she added.

“Ha ha ha,” commented many thickies with no A levels at all. “Ha ha-ha ha ha.”

Cameron Defends Key British Right To Fuck Everything Up Again

Just say no
David Cameron last night sensationally vetoed plans to subject all of Europe’s financial institutions to stricter regulations, patriotically protecting the sovereign British right of City of London’s bankers to fuck the global economy into a cocked hat all over again.

“This is a great day for the ordinary people of Great Britain,” whooped leading Tory backbenchers. “London’s role as a pivotal player in global banking is recognised by the man in the street as the absolute key to his future.”

“Now all we need is for the prime minister to rubber-stamp our proposals for nuclear strikes on Brussels and Strasbourg, and Britain will be free to rise again and re-establish the empire,” they added hopefully.

Thursday, 8 December 2011

Japan Sending Aid To Helensburgh

The hopes forecast is looking particularly grim
Deeply sympathetic to the terrible plight of Scots enduring atrocious conditions in the coastal town of Helensburgh, the Japanese are digging deep to send material aid to the storm-battered disaster area.

“It’s not because of the waves crashing in over the seafront,” said a sobbing spokesman for the Japan International Co-operation Agency. “Helensburgh just looks like a truly miserable place to live.”

“We’re shipping a container of Suntory whisky immediately, just to get you started,” he explained. “All right, so it’s not quite Johnny Walker, but neck it fast and it’ll do the trick.”

Knowing Exam Answers Still Not Improving Teachers’ Ability To Teach

Year 10 insist they know it all anyway
Teachers have responded to the Daily Telegraph’s exposé of exam boards coaching teachers with the answers to their exams by pointing out that they already know stuff, but that doesn’t mean they can actually get any of it across.

“I’ve tried everything, including writing model answers on toasted cheese sandwiches and feeding them to Year 10 sentence by sentence,” said haggard history teacher Gill Evans. “Nothing seems to work. If Michael Gove thinks that what I know in any way influences what these things scrawl on their answer papers, he should bloody come down here and try punching the simplest fact through their thick heads.”

Asked for their thoughts, pupils replied “woteva” and were immediately awarded an A grade.

Wednesday, 7 December 2011

Cancer Caused By Living Your Life, Moan Doctors

Stop that right now
Most cancers develop as the direct and entirely avoidable result of you enjoying your life, warned frowning doctors today in the British Journal Of Stop That At Once.

“Eating, drinking, watching TV, driving when you should be running to work in all weathers,” barked lead researcher Dr James Kiljoy, “That sort of hedonistic nonsense.”

“And you bloody smokers, I’m warning you - if you ever come near my hospital coughing up a lung, I’ll bloody sue your ass off for spreading airborne cancer,” he shouted.

A purple-faced Dr Kiljoy went on, at some length, to explain that the only way you will avoid dying a protracted and agonising death is by renouncing the world, restricting your diet to a lettuce leaf and a glass of water a day and running practice marathons - until the happy day when you eventually succumb to a mercifully swift heart attack.

Downton Abbey Not Inspiring Public To Call For End To Class System

Let the right one in
No MPs are demanding changes to Britain’s quaintly archaic class system today, reflecting no public concerns raised by watching ITV’s Downton Abbey.

“You know, I’d never really thought about the absurdity of socio-hierarchical divisions based solely on the circumstances into which people happen to be born,” mused Downton addict Jane Prole, “And I’m certainly not going to think about it now.”

“It’s a shame shop assistants don’t call you sir or madam nowadays,” she pondered, whilst considering whether or not she could afford the DVD box set.

British Public Says Screw You

Welcome to the 21st century
A marked change in social attitudes reveals that the British public object to paying any taxes for anything, according to a survey published today by the National Centre For Anti-Social Research.

“Fuck the NHS. Fuck schools. Fuck the unemployed. Fuck the disabled,” said everybody. “Why should I subsidise all that? I’m the only bugger who does any sodding work round here.”

The survey reveals a widespread belief that everybody should bloody well stand on their own two feet, especially those bastards who haven’t got any.

Tuesday, 6 December 2011

Earth-Like Planet Teeming With Earth-Like Arseholes

Visitors from Kepler 22-b may already be among us
Although they are yet to ascertain whether whether the newly-discovered “Earth-like” planet Kepler 22-b is actually solid, liquid or gas, NASA scientists have confirmed that – just like Earth – its surface is absolutely crawling with complete and utter arseholes.

“We’ve picked up faint transmissions which, when amplified and run through an NTSC decoder, reveal the planet’s vapid inhabitants indulging in a depressing variety of tedious activities,” revealed project leader Randy Von Braun. “It seems that their chief religious ritual involves individual Kepleroids singing and dancing themselves into an emotional frenzy in front of a panel of tribal chiefs. Every night apparently resounds to gunfire exchanged by the citizenry and their law enforcers, while both groups seem to spend the entire daytime arguing amongst themselves. Sound familiar?”

“All we know about Kepler 22-b’s atmosphere is that it seems to be full of burnt hydrocarbons, with large stratospheric gaps at both poles,” he added. “Bearing in mind that everything we’re seeing happened 600 years ago, though, it’s quite likely that the Kepleroid infestation has managed to wipe itself out by now, so it’s probably not as bad as it sounds.”

Monday, 5 December 2011

2m Cambodians Died Of Gratitude, Insists Brother Number Two

Nuon Chea, the right-hand man of Khmer Rouge leader Pol Pot, who is on trial for his part in the deaths of two million Cambodian victims of the regime’s disastrous social experiment, insisted that the Khmer Rouge were in fact jolly decent chaps and all-round good eggs whose sole flaw was an excess of kindness.

Thanks a lot
“I don't want the next generations to misunderstand the history. I don't want them to misunderstand that the Khmer Rouge are bad people, are criminals,” said the 85-year-old, defending himself against charges of war crimes, genocide and crimes against humanity. “There’s a very real danger that we might be misrepresented to future generations - like poor old Hitler, a clean-living fellow whose sole ambition in life was to give all the smelly Jews of Europe a free wash. How was he to know that their farts would be so toxic in a confined space?”

Cambodia’s ‘Brother Number Two’ suggested that the two million victims of his movement’s simple enthusiasm for country living had, in fact, expired due to an excess of sheer gratitude.

“Either that or a sudden, tragic outbreak of Vietnam,” he added helpfully.

‘Kill Me Now’ Begs Hideously Fused Mutant Thing At The Heart Of Euro Negotiations

The thing that should not be
Merkozy, the latest repulsive creation of Britain’s inability to use the word ‘and’, took time out today from trying to save the eurozone to beg for a merciful release from its unimaginable suffering.

The awful conglomeration, consisting of hideously fused parts of Angela Merkel and Nicolas Sarkozy, is the most recent revolting mutant by-product of the British people’s rapidly-degenerating familiarity with their native language, and joins an appalling chamber of horrors which includes Brangelina, Jedward and the entire ConDem party.

“Ug,” grunted a horrified spokesman for the Oxford English Dictionary.

Sunday, 4 December 2011

Cameron Recalibrates Britain’s Moral Compass

After writing a letter of support to Tory backbencher Aidan Burley, who is morally outraged by public funding of union reps in public-sector workplaces, prime minister David Cameron has issued some helpful moral guidance concerning pure and impure uses of taxpayers’ money for the benefit of the British public.


- That scheming trot who helps people with their employment rights


It's all good
- The ongoing military occupation of Afghanistan
- Biological weapons research at Porton Down
- A new generation of nuclear missiles
- International arms fairs
- Constructing an aircraft carrier for which there is no operational requirement
- The Metropolitan Police
- Train operating companies
- Atos Medical and the tribunals which overturn 40% of their decisions
- The Duke Of York
- MPs’ expenses
- Aidan Burley
- David Cameron