Saturday, 26 February 2011

Iain Duncan Smith Ecstatic At Dawn Of Woman-Milking Industry

Oi'm exhibitin' 'ee up county show, me beauty
As a Covent Garden restaurant sold out of its first batch of £14 ice-cream made from breast milk, Iain Duncan Smith performed a little dance of pure joy at the discovery of a hitherto-untapped job market into which Britain’s legions of workshy council estate breeders can be forced.

“Generations of manky slappers have been getting away with the unpardonable sin of deliberately getting up the duff so they can dodge work for years on end,” declared the jubilant work and pensions secretary. “They drop a litter every year until their poor aunt Jemima turns itself inside out through overuse, jumping to the top of the housing queue and grabbing every benefit going until the state finally deems that their youngest is probably capable of wiping its own bottom, at the age of seven.”

“Well, here’s a job for which they are uniquely qualified,” he crowed. “I see a modern milking shed on every inner-city estate, into which these milk-heavy young sluts can be rounded up twice daily with the aid of an enticing trail of celebrity tat magazines. NestlĂ© have already expressed an interest, if you’ll pardon the pun, and have even put forward the jolly good suggestion that significant economy-of-scale benefits would accrue if intensive battery-farming techniques were to be applied.”

“All you need is a large-screen telly at the end of the shed showing the entire Jeremy Kyle oeuvre on shuffle play,” he added. “They’ll be as happy as Larry.”

Mr Duncan Smith went on to outline plans to phase out dairy farming completely, freeing up millions of acres of valuable pasture for the country’s supermarkets to build on.

When asked how the milkers’ own young would be catered for, the enraptured secretary of state replied: “I am not a cruel man. Each member of the herd would be allowed to suckle its own calves at allotted times, with a commensurate deduction from their wages. In fact, Robert Wiseman’s have said they would even be prepared to offer discounted special feed, in a scientific effort to improve the yield of future generations of heifers.”

Friday, 25 February 2011

Cameron Speaks Out Against Gaddafi’s War Crimes: ‘Let’s All Sit Down And Form A Committee’

Mr Cameron explains how much he feels for the people of Libya
As teapot dictator Colonel Gaddafi continues to rain down shellfire on his own people, David Cameron has bravely seized the moral high ground by calling for some sort of a committee to be formed at some point in the future yet to be determined with a view to i) defining ‘war crimes’ in the context of the suppression of a civic uprising, ii) mounting a major information-gathering exercise in Libya after the dust has settled, subject to the co-operation of such authorities as may be in power at that time and iii) giving due consideration to petitioning for charges to be brought against those responsible, in such cases where an appropriate body of evidence may be found.

“I have a very clear message for Colonel Gaddafi,” warned the fearless prime minister, “And that message is ‘Now look here, old chap, is all this violence absolutely necessary?’ That’ll give him something to think about.”

Mr Cameron’s stern rebuke came just hours after he had spoken to President Obama and France’s Nicolas Sarkozy, in which the leaders of the world’s three largest arms exporters wrung their hands repeatedly and wondered if perhaps they really ought to say something nice and fluffy about the Middle East whenever the UN holds its next big shindig.

Editors’ Tears Of Joy As British Casualties Emerge From Wreckage Of NZ Quake Story

The Newsnight production team in full-on tragedy mode
Just when all hope seemed lost, the New Zealand earthquake story coughed back to life today with the news that two Britons were among the dead.

Tears flowed as joyful journalists and news editors hugged each other and danced around their desks - whilst in Christchurch itself, reporters were all smiles as they booked themselves back into the hotels they had just left to catch the next flight home.

“Realistically, there was little hope of this story clinging to life after this length of time,” said one, as he asked the hotel barman for a receipt. “There’s only so much mileage you can get out of saying how New Zealand is so like England, because at the end of the day it plainly isn’t. The streets are clean, the buildings aren’t ugly, people have decent jobs and a high standard of living and everyone’s happy. To the British people, it’s just another foreign country full of foreign people who happen to speak English.”

“Now, however, everything has changed,” he said, knocking back a double Scotch and asking for a refill. “With two Britons confirmed dead and more missing, this has now become a national tragedy for the folks back home. Hic.”

A BBC spokesman at Television Centre confirmed the happy news that the story was indeed alive and well.

“In fact, it’s on its legs and running about already,” he beamed. “For a while there it was touch and go, and I thought we were going to have to embark on a period of mourning and wailing, full of sob stories about the tragic state of the economy, job losses and service cuts. But this makes us stop and realise just how precious a gift death is.”

A Downing Street spokesman said that the government, too, was overjoyed at the miraculous revival of the story, and urged the British public to keep its eyes firmly fixed on the other side of the world.

Thursday, 24 February 2011

Streets Of Britain Unaccountably Quiet After Martyrdom Of Assole

City after city in the UK mysteriously failed to erupt in spontaneous mass demonstrations of public support for St Julian of Assole, after an elaborate show trial conducted by the hated regime brutally sentenced the heroic dissident to death by extradition to Sweden.

“I’m afraid Mr Assole’s defence turned out to be full of holes,” crowed the puppet prosecuting counsel, after the travesty of a verdict was delivered at Belmarsh Magistrates’ Court amid scandalous scenes of tight security (PC49 sipping a coffee whilst on duty in the foyer). “A bit like his condoms, I suppose. Ho ho.”

Julian Assole’s life now hangs on the slender thread of lodging an appeal against his extradition to the fawning US client-state of Sweden – a chaotic land of murderous cannibals, where the basic rights of mankind are unrecognised and the light of civilisation is unknown.

“It is entirely possible that my poor client will be killed and eaten by hairy Swedish lesbians the moment he is dragged onto Viking soil, bound hand and foot and with a sock in his mouth to prevent the truth from leaking out,” warned Mr Assole’s sobbing lawyer, wearing a plastic Guy Fawkes mask to protect his identity.

It is now a foregone conclusion that, once excreted, the undigested remains of St Julian will be delivered in a bucket to the US Ambassador in Stockholm to be subjected to further horrific indignities.

However, the unspoken question which cowers behind the trembling lips of the beaten population of Britain remains to be answered: why, if the Americans are so bloody keen to extradite St Julian, are they waiting for him to toddle all the way to Sweden when they already have a unilateral extradition treaty with Britain?

Maybe one day we will know the awful, naked truth, probably in the form of a leaked memo spread all over the internet by Mr Assole’s outlawed Leakiwiks organisation. So far, however, the simmering powderkeg of British revolution smoulders unaccountably on… and on… and on.

RAF Put Me On Hold, Claims Cameron

Brize Norton, my aunt Fanny
Prime minister David Cameron today apologised for delays in evacuating British nationals trapped in battle-scarred Libya, blaming an RAF call centre in India for leaving him in limbo every time he rang up to try and book a Hercules to fly them out.

“When, after three days of listening to bloody sitars and whatnot, I finally got put through to an operator – a Flight Lieutenant Ramprakash, apparently, who swore blind that he was based in Brize Norton even though I distinctly heard a cow mooing in the background – first of all he tried to fob me off with a piddly little Slingsby trainer,” spluttered Mr Cameron furiously. “When I said that just wasn’t bloody good enough, he jabbered some likely tale about the RAF’s transports currently all being tied up in Afghanistan or some other stupid place I’ve never heard of.”

“I just told him to get off the bloody line and give me his supervisor,” fumed Mr Cameron. “When this Group Captain Hari character came on the line, I told him that I was paying his bloody wages one way or another, and he’d sodding well better get a Hercules into Tripoli first thing this morning come hell or high water or I’d put bloody Watchdog on his case and he could bleat his sob story to Anne Robinson on national TV.”

“And that’s after I tried Ryanair,” added the purple-faced prime minister. “Don’t get me started on that saga. I’ve got bloody Irish jigs coming out of my arse.”

Wednesday, 23 February 2011

Cameron’s Middle East Message Of Hope: ‘Anybody Need More Ammo?’

It's got a very democratic price tag, sir
David Cameron hailed the historic democratic protests sweeping through the Middle East yesterday, and gave a solemn pledge to sell guns, bombs, heavy artillery, tanks, fighter-bombers, assault helicopters and all the ammunition they can carry to anyone who can come up with the necessary.

“Too often in the Middle East, politics is seen as a false choice between repression and extremism,” he told potential buyers, as his entourage of arms trade reps set up their stalls in Kuwait. “But let me make it clear that, although Britain has a long and honourable tradition of arming both, we’ll gladly sell cutting-edge hardware to anybody in between who’s got the readies.”

“And if you should happen to find yourself a bit strapped for cash at the moment, just see the chap on the Export Credits Guarantee Department stand and he’ll probably work something out for you,” he oozed ingratiatingly. “Britain’s taxpayers never quibbled about coughing up the moolah when you were barmy dictators, remember - so imagine how much more generous they’ll feel if you take the trouble to bleat a few pro-democracy phrases for five minutes before you go sticking your shiny new arsenal in your people’s faces!”

Meanwhile, foreign secretary William Hague urged Libya’s Colonel Gaddafi to either step down immediately in accordance with the wishes of his beleaguered people, or stock up on competitively-priced artillery shells while Mr Cameron was in the neighbourhood.

Media Deeply Concerned About Deadly Situation In Libya

So far, it's all quiet on the Tripoli front line
As news reports from embattled Libya trickle to a standstill, the media has expressed serious concerns about the levels of violence on the cratered streets of Tripoli and Benghazi.

“Jesus Christ, have you heard about all that shit flying through the air in Libya?” said one veteran correspondent, who has heroically reported mass protests in Egypt, Bahrain, Jordan and even Tunisia from the penthouses of some of the region’s tallest hotels. “Fuck that for a game of soldiers.”

“Cover me - I’m going into Facebook!” he shouted to colleagues, as he braved the milling crowds of Canary Wharf in search of an internet bar. “If that doesn’t pull up any suitably heartrending stuff from al-Jazeera, I’m going undercover as Colonel Gaddafi on Twitter. That ought to give me a few choice quotes.”

Monday, 21 February 2011

Cameron Announces National Closing-Down Sale

If you want the books too, squire, you can have the lot for a quid
‘For Sale’ posters have been put up on all public services this morning, following prime minister David Cameron’s announcement this morning that Britain was finally being broken up and sold for scrap.

“Roll up now, gents, roll up!” shouted Mr Cameron, striding around the Square Mile and banging a large drum. “Everything must go! Don’t miss these once-in-a-lifetime bargains! Come on, what am I bid for this lovely library? It might be a bit old, sir, but it’s almost in mint condition – only been used by one little old lady!”

Hedge fund managers and private equity investors were soon flocking around Mr Cameron and haggling for special deals, such as a free hospital thrown in if they took a job lot of schools off his hands.

“Don’t miss the next lot – a complete set of planning officers, with a matching set of building inspectors!” he urged his eager punters. “Wouldn’t they look lovely, all sat in a row on a big supermarket chain’s mantelpiece? And there’s oodles of money to be made from social services, ladies and gents! Why put those at-risk kids into expensive care homes, when you can offer the parents a buyback deal with a tidy mark-up for your trouble?”

“Any offer considered!” shouted Mr Cameron above the hullaballoo. “The whole lot’s got to go! It’s a crying shame to see good public services thrown on the scrapheap, but that’s what’ll happen to any stock I can’t shift! A fiver for waste collection services, madam? Lovely jubbly!”

Health Experts Still Touchingly Deluded Over Government Cares About Public Health

"He won't live to collect his pension, you say? Oh, my."
Health campaigners are still clinging doggedly to the quaint idea that the government is in some way concerned about the welfare of the general public, it was revealed today as they warned that hundreds of thousands of people in Britain are drinking themselves to an early grave.

“Drinking too much, you say? Dear, oh dear,” smiled a spokesman for the Department of Health. “Not living to a ripe old age, you say? Well I never… Gosh, crikey, thanks for alerting us. Was there anything else? Well, goodbye then.”

“You know, if I didn’t have a touching faith in the impeccable moral authority of Britain’s politicians I might begin to wonder if the government wasn’t in some way under the influence of drink manufacturers,” mused Ian Gilmore, former president of the Royal College of Physicians and co-author of the report in the Lancet, as he was gently ushered out onto the pavement.

A government spokesman was quick to deny the allegation. “While the Conservative party is deeply grateful for all the money it gets from the drinks industry, this in no way guarantees that their interests will be put before the far more important contributions of the big supermarkets,” he insisted.