Britain Responsible For Non-Existent Epidemic, Claims Mugabe Ally

A close ally of President Mugabe, Disinformation Minister Sikhanyiso Nvodlu, has blamed the UK for the outbreak of cholera which does not exist in Zimbabwe.

The country's liar-in-chief told the world's media that the non-outbreak - which has killed 792 fictitious people - was "a calculated, racist, terrorist attack on Zimbabwe."

President Robert Mugabe has already claimed that the Western powers have deliberately infected him with a terrifying strain of megalomania, causing a massive outbreak of pathological lying and leading to a fatal disdain for his people's welfare.

"Zimbabwe's sewers contain nothing but pure spring water with a slight zest of lemon, and our hospitals are closed only because nobody in this Earthly paradise ever needs one," he told reporters. "You see? There I go again. I can't help myself."

Other African nations, however, are still clinging to the fond belief that all of Zimbabwe's problems will magically disappear, if only Mr Mugabe and his political rival Morgan Tsvangirai would just shake hands and sort out their minor differences of opinion.

Meanwhile, the British government has poured scorn on Mr Nvodlu's claims.

"If we had really been developing cholera as a biological weapon, rest assured that it would have accidentally leaked out into the population of Britain by now," pointed out Foreign Secretary Miliband One.

'Stop Crapping Everywhere and Prepare For Colonialist Invasion', Mugabe Tells Zimbabwe

President Robert Mugabe has told his starving, diseased populace that Britain and America are scheming to persuade the United Nations to invade Zimbabwe, in the wake of the ongoing cholera epidemic.

“The colonial arch-imperialist Brown and his lackeys, the Americans, want to annexe our beautiful, prosperous country on the trumped-up excuse that some of you have a mild case of the trots,” said the 84-year-old dictator. “Now is the time for all loyal Zimbabweans - that means everyone, by the way - to put on a big nappy, pick up their AK47 and shoot the first white racist bastard they see coming down the street.”

“I’m pleased to see that eighteen - and counting - human rights activists and MDC advisors are so eager to repel the white peril that they have gone to ground, presumably to form a Vietcong-style resistance movement in the event of foreign occupation,” he added. “In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if more and more of them turned out to be occupying holes in the ground in the next few days.”

Ordinary Zimbabweans suffering from the rapid spread of cholera - caused by the total breakdown of the bankrupt nation’s neglected infrastructure - were deeply moved by their President’s appeal.

“Until recently, I couldn’t give a shit about anything Mugabe said,” said one dying Harare resident sitting on a bucket. “Now I give a shit about every five minutes. If the neo-colonialist invaders are coming, could they bring a few hundred sanitation engineers, a convoy of antibiotics and about fifty million water purification tablets, please?”

'Sticks and Stones May Break Your Bones, But AK47s Are Better', Mugabe Tells Hecklers

Zimbabwe’s opposition MPs have heckled Robert Mugabe during his opening parliamentary speech, shouting, “You killed people, we won’t forget that" as he listed his government’s achievements.

President Mugabe told a hostile House of Assembly that he had every expectation that power-sharing would begin soon.

“I am confident that, very soon, these gentlemen from the Movement for Democratic Change will be sharing their power with me,” he smiled. “Especially after I hand the minutes of this session over to my loyal - and extremely well-armed - security forces.”

Those Earth-Shattering G8 Pronouncements In Brief

And there’s just time to sum up the other announcements from the G8:

1. Robert Mugabe has been very naughty.

2. Everyone should stop wasting food, apart from us.

3. Have you seen the price of petrol lately? Shocking.

Mugabe Hit For Six

Zimbabwe’s presidential limpet, Robert Mugabe, is said to be reconsidering his position in the light of the UK government’s threat to bar his country’s cricket team from playing in England next summer.

“I’ve had to endure an awful lot of name-calling lately over my relentless intimidation of the opposition,” said Mr Mugabe, “Not to mention my lamentable mismanagement of the Zimbabwean economy. However, by bravely announcing this ban on our cricketers, Britain has shown real moral backbone. As if it isn’t enough for us to lose our place in the Twenty20 World Cup, other countries might follow their lead and ban us from participating in the World Scrabble Championships and the Lions’ Club International Stamp Collecting Convention. Perhaps this is God’s way of telling me that it’s time to step down. Words cannot properly express my admiration for this British political master-stroke.”

In a further development, the US has said it will not recognise the result of Friday’s presidential election.

“We’ve got a good track record here,” said a federal spokesman. “If we’d recognised our own presidential election results in 2001, Al Gore might be running the country and not just making slideshows about the environment.”

“Never mind, Robert,” executives of mining conglomerate Anglo-American told the beleaguered president, “We still love you. Here’s £200m for a platinum mine.”

Going Dutch - With Morgan Tsvangirai

Following the decision by Morgan Tsvangirai to pull out of the Zimbabwean presidential election run-off, the UN Security Council has unanimously condemned the violence and intimidation against the Movememnt for Democratic Change and declared that a free and fair vote would be “impossible”.

President Robert Mugabe, however, disagreed. “Just watch,” he said. “We’ll have our election on Friday, and everybody will be free to vote for me. What could be fairer than that?”

Mr Mugabe’s government also gave assurances about the safety of Mr Tsvangirai, who has fled to the Dutch embassy claiming asylum.

“Morgan Tsvangirai will be allowed safe passage out of Zimbabwe, if he is in a diplomatic bag,” announced the president. “In fact, as he’s quite a large fellow, I reckon two bags would be the best plan. If he wants to go Dutch, I’d be happy to see him split 50/50.”

Roberta Thrown Out of Big Brother Country

Bullying contestant Roberta De-Mugabe has been thrown out of the Big Brother Country by Channel 4, after repeatedly breaking the rules by intimidating other housemates.

Controversial Roberta, an unaccountable executive from Zimbabwe, was in the living room discussing the elections yesterday when he said, “I just can’t wait to see my mans and them and see what their plans are, who they got…I’m talking about my gangster friends. They got some instructions to carry out.”

“Pow, pow, pow,” he added ominously.

After the incident, Roberta was called to the diary room and heard that the forthcoming vote, in which he was facing eviction, had been cancelled. He was told that he had already been warned twice about breaching the rules by bullying other contestants, such as poor Mario Tsvangirai, and ordered to collect his belongings and leave the Big Brother Country immediately. He reacted by glueing himself to the diary room seat, and was carried out by Channel 4 executives.

According to his online bio, Roberta claimed to be proud of what he’s achieved, single-handedly raising Zimbabwe to economic ruin, while also having a great job and fast cars. He was raised a Christian, but a few years ago converted to Despotism. His philosophy in life, he said, is “go home in a box”. Although Roberta admits he is not very pleasant to live with, he has declared himself a natural-born leader for life and said that anyone who disagrees will find out - albeit briefly - just how unpleasant living with him can be.

The shock dismissal of Roberta means that Mario Tsvangirai can now remain in the Big Brother Country for at least another week, to the delight of his few surviving fans.

Zimbabwe Celebrates Future With Optimism

In a surprise move, Robert Mugabe has graciously accepted defeat in the Zimbabwean elections and stepped down as President, effective immediately.

“I am happy to congratulate my honourable opponent, Morgan Tsvangirai, and the Movement for Democratic Change on winning the election on Sunday fair and square,” beamed Mr Mugabe. “The Zimbabwean people have spoken, and I respect their democratic will. I have been President for 28 years, and in that period our country has toppled from prosperity to penury, and is now an economic basket case. Clearly I am not the man for the job, and it is high time I stepped aside and let someone competent take charge. I have nothing but respect for Mr Tsvangirai, and wish him every success in restoring the fortunes of our blighted nation.”

“I have instructed the security forces to co-operate fully with the MDC in order to facilitate a smooth transfer of power in the coming days,” he continued, “And I urge all my supporters to welcome a new dawn of peace and reconciliation.”

When asked about the numerous reports of vote-rigging and ballot-stuffing said to have taken place around the country, Mr Mugabe smiled and said, “Well, of course - I have a reputation to live up to, it’s expected of me. You can’t blame me for trying – but, really, my heart just isn’t in it any more. I am looking forward to a quiet retirement, well away from affairs of state. However, if my successor wishes to investigate the various crimes, abuses and outrages I committed during three decades of blind, dogmatic rule, then I will just have to stand trial and take whatever richly-deserved punishment is coming to me.”

“I really have been a disaster for this country,” added Mr Mugabe, with tears in his eyes, “And I just want to say I’m very, very sorry.”

All over the country, members of Mr Mugabe’s ZANU-PF party were reported to be enthusiastically hugging their successful MDC rivals in the dancing, cheering crowds thronging every city and village in Zimbabwe.

Mr Tsvangirai, meanwhile, was reported to be peering around cautiously from under a manhole cover.

Mugabe's Doctor Joke Mystifies African Tragicomedy Fans

Zimbabwe’s Robert Mugabe, facing the toughest election in his 28-year presidency – i.e. one with opponents daring to stand – has come up with the novel campaign tactic of giving out free cars to 450 doctors at government hospitals.

“Our health sector operated in a regional and international context that was free of the illegal sanctions which weigh us down today,” said the veteran international pariah. “But then I came along. Now look at the state of it.”

Zimbabwe’s doctors and nurses – at least, those who have not already fled the country in exasperation – have been on strike demanding more pay; although, with inflation running at 100,000%, any pay award would almost certainly be worthless before the ink was dry.

Mr Mugabe further promised that the doctors would receive houses within two years, and petrol for their new cars in fifteen. His electoral largesse has also extended to handing out farm machinery to his ex-guerilla army, whose mismanagement of the lands he seized from white Zimbabwean farmers has largely contributed to the collapse of the country’s economy and food supply; and donating fleets of buses, in which his heavily-armed thugs can travel with ease from polling station to polling station on March 29th, encouraging floating voters to support Mr Mugabe - or end up floating down the nearest river.