Only A Bent Copper Should Investigate Bent Coppers, Say Bent Coppers

Have you seen this wrong 'un? Call SO19 now

Britain’s corrupt police forces have reacted with fury at the government’s startling appointment of civilian legal expert Tom Winsor to oversee Britain’s corrupt police forces.

“The role of HM Inspectorate of Constabulary is far too sensitive to be entrusted to some nonce with a sound knowledge of the law,” insisted outraged Police Federation spokesman DCI Kray Norelation. “Especially this particular trot, who’s already got the rank and file’s backs up by telling us to lose weight or get the shove. Is it our fault the toerags can scarper faster than our brave lads? Give us all a gun – problem solved.”

He went on to add that every force was actively trawling through its cold files, in case any of the uncaught villains match the description of a well-spoken, bespectacled , fair-haired man in a posh suit, who would now be balding and in his mid-fifties.

Facebook Starting To Regret Jumping Without Parachute

So long, Zuckers

As it plummets earthward at increasing speed, Facebook is showing signs of having second thoughts about the wisdom of leaping heroically into the stock markets without the benefit of a parachute.

“We jumped under the impression that we were going to float off into the wild blue yonder, thanks to the remarkable self-inflating valuation designed for us by thrill-seeking underwriters, Acme Bank,” posted Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg breathlessly, as he rapidly approached terminal velocity. “But the dotcom boom we were hoping to land on is getting closer every second, and now I can distinctly make out the words ‘Class Action’.”

“It’s looking uncomfortably like we’re about to be splattered messily all over the front pages,” he shared moments later. “Goodbye, cool world.”

Employers To Regain Right To Fondle Your Breasts

In the middle of his hectic sightseeing schedule in Chicago, David Cameron insisted that Britain will only regain its rightful position as the dominant power on Earth when your boss is given back his God-given right to place his hand down your blouse and rub your nipples.

Keep that uniform damp, Miss Travers

“My good chum and tennis partner, Adrian Beecroft, is quite right to point out that, instead of being tied up in silly red tape, employers’ hands must be free to wander where they will,” said the PM, taking time out from his search for the upmarket restaurant where his hero, Ferris Bueller, famously pretended to be Abe Froman, the sausage king of Chicago.

Among other plainly daft socialist-inspired employment laws in urgent need of repeal - continued Mr Cameron, as he clambered onto a parade float to sing Twist and Shout - were the silly ban on giving underlings a good kick in the seat of the pants, tiresome compensation claims when they lose a limb after needlessly expensive safety equipment is removed, and the inexplicable proscription on executing menials who fail to tug their forelocks swiftly enough.

Millions Facing Misery Of Paying For Other People’s Hard Work

Brave dissidents from the repressive dictatorship of Britain are desperately trying to raise global awareness of their terrible suffering today, after a Nazi in a wig ordered cowering internet service providers to deny them the fundamental human right to steal all the music they want.

“Britain’s brutal declaration of war on the innocent plunderers of Pirate Bay is exactly how Hitler kicked off,” tweeted heroic activists, many of whom have vowed to die fighting if they are cruelly forced to exchange money for songs they like. “How can struggling young artists ever receive the rewards and recognition their talents deserve, if I am forced to part with a small amount of cash? This is nothing less than out-and-out fascism. And communism, too.”

The grim reality of Britain today

Music liberators lay the blame for the unjust decision squarely at the feet of bloated, evil record company bosses, whose naked lust for a return on their investments stands in stark contrast to the open-handed philanthropism of organisations like Facebook, Google and every other business in the entire world.

“Why can’t the music industry adopt an up-to-date business plan based on giving everything away for nothing?” commented a tragic thief on Facebook. “I bought a t-shirt last year. There’s enough profit in that to buy a drummer two pairs of hardly-used sticks on eBay. What more do these parasites want from me?”

Salvation is at hand for the persecuted MP3 hoarders, however, as Avaaz.com fearlessly risked punitive reprisals by starting an online petition which is certain to bring down the hated British regime by teatime on Wednesday.

Dummies Barred From Politics: Westminster Empty

Exhibit A, Your Honour

The arrest of an Aberdeen woman under the Representation Of The People Act, for the crime of entering her shop window dummy as a local election candidate, has left Britain in an unprecedented power vacuum after Scotland Yard raided the House of Commons.

The discovery, by Grampian Police, that a dummy cannot legally stand for election under UK law left the wind whistling through the deserted corridors of the Palace of Westminster, as the nation’s 650 MPs were unceremoniously flung into skips and carted off to Madame Tussauds to be melted down.

“There’s a bit of a debate going on about the exact legal status of the unelected dummies in the House of Lords, as many of them were placed there by the illegally-elected dummies,” admitted a spokesman for the Metropolitan Police. “As you might imagine, though, it’s indescribably tedious and nobody from our legal team has yet managed to stay awake.”

Theresa May Wishes European Court A Merry Christmas

Home secretary Theresa May today wished the European Court of Human Rights a very merry Christmas and a happy new year – adding that she hoped, when it reconvenes in a fortnight after the festive break, it would readily agree that fundamentalist Islamic hate preacher and MI5’s former best friend Abu Qatada has hopelessly missed the deadline for appealing against deportation.

Mrs May has also sent ministerial Christmas cards out to bemused cabinet colleagues, civil servants and representatives of the legal industry, in which she congratulates Britain for putting its economic woes firmly behind it and winning all the gold medals in the Olympics.

Guardian Readers Strangely Muted On Travesty Of Justice Involving Tragic Rich Rioter

Laura Johnson, the millionaire’s daughter convicted today of taking part in last summer’s riots, is reported to be mystified by the ongoing lack of outraged protest on her behalf from Britain’s sympathetic left-wingers.

The rioter even Alan Rusbridger can't defend

“Laura’s future hopes have been cruelly consigned to the scrapheap by this uncaring government,” pointed out no-one at all. “Nobody with a wanky humanities degree from Exeter has a hope in hell of ever getting a job. Employers know it’s a worthless piece of paper which only proves that daddy couldn’t swing her a place at Oxford or Cambridge.”

“Instead of brutally throwing the full force of the law against this poor bewildered mentalist simply for taking her mates for a spin, we should all be asking ourselves how each and every one of us selfishly inflicted depression on her by not making her life perfect in every concievable way,” added nobody else.

Hand-wringing sociologists believe the automatic lefty exoneration which has been universally claimed for every other rioter may, in Laura’s case, have evaporated when the court revealed that she had, unpardonably, acquired a packet of evil fags with the undeniable intention of poisoning a groovy liberal child with her toxic second-hand smoke.

Yahoo News: Evil Private Eye Editor Tells Leveson Nothing Is The Matter With Anything

Sick, twisted Private Eye liar-in-chief Ian Hislop – the most-sued bastard in the history of the world in space - had the bare-faced cheek to stand in front of the Leveson inquiry today and claim that nothing at all was the matter with Britain’s notoriously slack media laws, according to Adam Parris-Long of magisterial current-affairs provider, Yahoo-oo-oo!!!

Is this man Britain's most toxic little baldy bastard?

Arch-hypocrite Hislop – who, crucially, eventually owned up to having met an MP or two in the course of his 36-year reign of terror at Britain’s most odious publication – openly boasted to the shocked panel that, in his warped view, there was no need for further regulation of the press.

“Statutory regulation is not needed, we have quite a lot of it already - although it seems it’s only ever me who cops it,” whinged the sneering public-school toff, who was educated at a posh folks’ university at your expense and steals money from hard-pressed TV licence-payers' children every week on Have I Got News For You.

“I believe in a free press, I don’t believe in a regulated press, the press should keep to the law,” taunted the cackling Hislop, whose deviously-manipulated public persona carefully conceals the privileged upper-class title of 'Lord Gnome' which he inherited from scheming geriatric patrician Richard Ingrams many years ago and who, when pressed, finally came clean and admitted that restrictions on the press could curtail Private Eye’s lucrative exploitation of the insatiable public demand for gutter investigative journalism.

Fan Makes Outrageous Claim About Justin Bieber’s Little Pink Winky

The baby certainly looks uncannily like Bieber (pictured)

A female fan has filed a bizarre allegation that Justin Bieber’s cute little winky somehow got her pregnant, fuelling wild speculation that Canada’s sensational singing baby has somehow reached puberty.

Clutching her baby outside the San Diego Superior Court, 20-year-old Mariah Yeater told reporters she had innocently played a game of doctors and nurses with the child superstar in his backstage playpen after a concert in 2010.

Bieber’s lawyers, however, insist that there is absolutely no indication that Bieber’s testicles have begun their slow descent towards his groin, adding that their young client still has no idea where babies come from and his post-gig relaxation involves shooting at his support band with a nerf gun.

The Martyrdom Of St Julian (continued)

The forces of darkness took another brutal potshot at the long-suffering St Julian of Assange today, as Mr Justice Pentagon-Bilderberg cruelly refused to accept the acclaimed prophet of truth’s legal argument that his wandering penis is secretly being controlled by an unholy alliance consisting of President Obama, MI5, the Elders of Zion and a lizard-being from the eighth dimension.

The suffering of St Julian

The bewigged corporate slave of the High Court slavishly refused St Julian’s claim that the Swedish fannies he poked were in fact operating under secret orders from the shadow world government to wrap themselves around his spotless leakiwick, and that as such he had been raped by the Establishment.

“Let he who is without sin cast 250,000 stones all over the internet,” commented the indomitable holy man afterwards. “But first, let the faithful strive to raise a stack of cash to overcome the Satanic intrigues of Visa and Mastercard, who are completely controlled by bad microwaves emanating from a Jewish flying saucer captured and operated by the US government.”

St Julian is now understood to be considering an appeal on a point of law, namely that since no law on the statute books specifically mentions him by name, therefore no law applies to him.

Shock Stats Prove Majority Of August’s Looters Were Little Toerags

All across the UK, households are struggling to take in the astounding statistical analysis which shows that almost everyone involved in August’s orgy of looting and arson was in fact a little toerag.

“Excel cannot lie,” declared senior Ministry of Justice analyst Michael Spreadsheet. “Astonishing as it may seem, many of these young criminals appear to be criminals.”

The data shows an inevitable trend in the toerag lifecycle, which begins with being spawned in mass poverty, struggling energetically towards exclusion from school and a series of police cautions, before the toerag larva finally catches its first community sentence. From there, it is but a short step to rioting, looting, arson and ultimately mass murder for the few hatchlings that reach adulthood.

Beautiful photography, Sir David

Contrary to what biologists previously believed, however, it appears that the toerag is not much given to roaming in packs.

“These are not social animals,” commented TV’s Sir David Attenborough. “Co-operation requires a certain amount of intelligence. If you want to know more about these fascinating but little-understood creatures, don’t miss my forthcoming series, Shitty Planet.”

‘If A Terrorist Owns A Cat It’s Like Diplomatic Immunity,’ Insists Home Secretary, ‘Or Something’

Home secretary Theresa Maybe won a standing ovation today from the Tory faithful, as she warned conference delegates of the horrors of human rights.

“The uvva day, right, sam bladdy terrorist - I ain’t bein’ racist, but less just say ‘e wuz probly reekin’ uv curry know wot I mean – ‘e got nicked dinnee, for mowin’ down a busload uv kids wiv a machine gun or woteva, an’ when we tried to send ‘im ‘ome to whereva the bladdy ‘ell it is ‘e come from, ‘e pulls aht a bladdy cat - an’ blow me dan wiv a fevva, some prat in a wig sez well ‘e carn’t be deported canee cuz uv ‘is cat or summink,” she told her shocked audience.

Probably hidin' a bomb up its jacksy an' all, reckons Mrs May

“I in’t makin’ it up, I tell yer straight. Cross me art, iss Gawd’s own troof innit?” she insisted earnestly. “I ‘eard it off a coppa, an’ ‘e got it straight from one uv ‘is mates. Bladdy immigrant bastuds, ‘oo needs ‘em?”

A spokesman for the Judicial Office later pointed out that Mrs May was, in fact, making it up -or, in legal terminology, loquendo de toto testiculis.

“There was an immigrant who had outstayed his visa. He was Bolivian. He had a partner. He was in a permanent relationship of four years’ standing. He was granted leave to stay because, in trying to deport him, the Home Office had clearly failed to apply its own policy regarding a person’s basic right to a family life,” he sighed. “He did, in passing, mention his cat. That wasn’t actually a factor.”

Mrs May later admitted to the BBC that she had not actually bothered to check her facts before going off on a crazed rant in front of a crowd of impressionable Daily Mail readers.

“I wuz jass tellin’ a stawry, wunn I?” she added. “I dan’t need no facks gittin’ in the way uv a bladdy good yarn. I’m the bladdy ‘ome secketry, nah piss awf befaw I scrap the licence fee.”

Gaddafi Seen Strolling Down Tottenham Court Road

Like the bad penny

Fugitive Libyan tyrant Colonel Gaddafi has been seen by several thousand London shoppers and tourists, strolling down Tottenham Court Road looking for the best deal on an iPad and a bulk discount on rocket launchers, after Britain repealed a law that allowed ordinary citizens to arrest foreign politicians suspected of war crimes.

Under the old law, private individuals could start criminal prosecutions, including for international war crimes, simply by applying to a magistrate for an arrest warrant. Under that system, tiresome activists who insist on taking some sort of an interest in the world apart from football and trying to look sixteen forever had vowed to arrest former US secretary of state Henry Kissinger, Chinese Communist Party official Bo Xilai and Israeli foreign minister Tzipi Livni.

Justice secretary Ken Clarke explained: “Clearly, with Britain confirmed as the second most lucrative weapons dealership in the world, it’s bloody inconvenient for foreign murderers to shop here if they’ve got to drag around some dreadlocked soap-dodger who’s taken it upon himself to handcuff himself to their ankles.”

“Or worse, Peter Tatchell,” he added grimly. “Back in 1999 the police had to prise the bugger off Robert Mugabe with a crowbar, and the upshot of that little incident saw Zimbabwe’s white farmers having to suffer the double indignity of getting beaten to death with bloody French riot batons.”

Disturbingly Low Number Of Rioters Were Law-Abiding Citizens, Says London’s Top Policeman

Acting Commissioner Tim Godwin of the Metropolitan Police today added his voice to concerns expressed by Kenneth Clarke and Boris Johnson about the disturbing proportion of riot-related crimes which turned out to have been committed by criminals.

“I think this is a wake-up call for the criminal justice system,” Mr Godwin told reporters. “In the name of the law, how can it be that only one in five of these criminal acts was perpetrated by fine, morally-upstanding citizens of impeccable character with no previous convictions?”

Reoffend now, you feral hoodie ruffians

Justice Secretary Kenneth Clarke has already gone on record to blame a “broken penal system” – not merely for flagrantly releasing convicted criminals from prison just because their sentences were served, but more fundamentally for commonly failing to execute them at the point of arrest. Boris Johnson swiftly agreed with him - adding that, based on his close observations from Canada, where he was on holiday at the time, he knew for certain that the initial police response to the riots had been flawless in every respect.

Giving his long-range evidence to the Home Affairs Select Committee, London’s clairvoyant mayor went on to say: “We need to ask as a society what is happening to these - these johnny-ne’er-do-wells after they have been jailed. How are we changing their lives so they don't come out again and go back to gangs, eh? Well, call me old-fashioned and what-have-you, but it seems to yours truly that only hanging has a ten-out-of-ten track record in this department, eh, chaps?”

“Or lobotomy!” he expostulated. “Might work. Keep the wet-blanket brigade happy. Why not give it a bash, eh, says old Boris!”

Manchester Police Forced To Do Some Proper Detective Work

Greater Manchester Police are today faced with the daunting task of having to remember how to properly investigate a crime, after the Crown Prosecution Service sensationally dropped all charges against Rebecca Leighton, the hapless Stockport nurse whose fingerprints were on one of Stepping Hill Hospital’s deadly contaminated saline drips simply because she had been doing her job.

“At the time that Rebecca was charged there was sufficient evidence in our view, never mind what some lefty facking poofter of a lawyer reckons,” insisted Assistant Chief Constable Sweeney Todd. “Look - she give a drip to a patient, and the patient gone and died. Open-and-shut case, innit?”

Course she done it, them's murderer's eyes

While patient CPS lawyers repeatedly tried to make Manchester’s finest grasp the difficult concept of establishing motive – rather than just opportunity – in order to obtain a conviction, the force was faced with the daunting prospect of having to rely solely on their powers of deduction to figure out which of about 500 people who might have had access to the saline drips actually carried out the contamination which led to seven deaths.

Despite the coldness of the trail after a month wasted barking up the wrong tree, sharp-minded detectives have already set to work on putting their cleverly-worded questions to hospital staff – such as: “Can you fink of a reason why that Leighton slag might of done it?”

You Wogs Have A Damned Funny Sense Of Priorities, Moans Hague

Tripoli, as it appears to Mr Hague

Foreign secretary William Hague has given Libyan rebel leaders a piece of his mind today, after they obtusely decided that averting a humanitarian disaster among their own people was in some way more important than dragging a comatose cancer victim off his deathbed to spend his last dying days lying unconscious in a Scottish prison.

“No, no, no, you stupid bloody wogs, we don’t want to see pictures of him! We want him in person, dead or alive!” Mr Hague yelled down the phone at the National Transition Council. “Look, if you’re too bone idle to go and fetch the bugger yourselves, just tell us which mud hut he’s hiding in and we’ll send big metal birds over to drop fire eggs on his house, damn you.”

Mr Hague also vented his righteous fury over the ungrateful rebels’ bloody-minded refusal to put the restoration of essential services to Tripoli on hold and to stop searching for 50,000 missing citizens, and urged them to get cracking instead on the more pressing business of handing over a miscreant who, he insists, he has it on good authority - i.e. from a wily old gentleman with his ear to the grapevine - could quite possibly have shot WPC Yvonne Fletcher from inside the Libyan embassy in London 27 years ago.

“Oh, for God’s sake just drop whatever time-wasting arab nonsense you’re up to, you silly camel-fancying layabouts, and just do as you’re bloody told or you'll get my boot up your backsides,” he shouted. “Surely even your dozy eyetie masters taught you to respect white man’s justice?”

“And before you ask: no, I won’t trade either of them for my sister,” he snapped angrily.

Gaddafi Interviewed For Top Met Job

And he can supply his own uniform

The elusive Libyan leader, Colonel Gaddafi, confounded his angry people this morning by turning up suddenly at Scotland Yard to be interviewed for the Chief Commissioner vacancy.

While sporadic gunfire continues to erupt in Tripoli as inexplicably loyal government forces continue to hold the world’s media in a comfy hotel, the hated dictator sat quietly in a waiting room between Sir Hugh Orde and acting commissioner Tim Godwin, thumbing through an old issue of Jane’s Police Review and polishing his medals until the receptionist called out: “Colonel Muammar Muhammad al-Gaddafi, Dean of Arab Rulers, Guide of the First of September Great Revolution of the Socialist People’s Libyan Arab Jamahiriya, Keeper of Arab Nationalism, Head of the Coalition of Coast and Desert States, Brotherly Leader and Guide of the Revolution, Imam of Muslims and King of Kings of Africa – the panel will see you now.”

“Obviously I’m not at liberty to divulge what was discussed during the Colonel’s interview,” announced Home Secretary Theresa May later. “Wishy-washy liberals might think that recent events in Libya would count against him but, to give him his due, it’s rather exceptional for disorderly criminal elements to be backed up by NATO assault helicopters and strike fighters. Setting that aside, the preceding 41 years of maintaining strict public order is a magnificent record of civic authority which cannot easily be overlooked.”

Police Demand Extra Funds For Enormous Orbital Bat-Signal Reflector

With the prime minister absolutely unshakeable in his belief that our only hope for national salvation lies in adopting the crime-fighting techniques that have made America a crime-free paradise, police chiefs are reluctantly accepting his insistence on appointing the legendary Batman as Britain’s crime supremo, but warn that the plan will be unworkable unless they are given the funding to construct and launch a 200-mile bat-signal reflector into geostationary orbit midway above the Atlantic Ocean, along with the associated power station needed to run the world’s most powerful searchlight.

“Oh, and prime minister - you’d better hang a couple of hundred metres of bat-rope off the reflector, if you want a quick response,” observed Sir Hugh Orde.

He'll need a bloody tall tower too, if he wants to keep his feet dry

Fantasy experts on both sides of the Atlantic, however, are yet to be convinced that a single superhero will bring down crime.

“Once you introduce superheroes, supervillains inevitably follow in their wake, and you’ve basically got a never-ending arms race,” warned Josh Geake, who insisted that the piles of comics covering his carpet were nothing less than unbound graphic literature. “Now the States have Superman, Batman, Justice League of America, the X-Men, Iron Man, The Fantastic Four, Swamp Thing and Captain America and still it gets worse by the day. They’ve even spilled over into alternate realities.”

“Do we really want the streets of Britain dominated by legions of corrupt megalomaniacs who seem to evade justice every time and for whom money always seems to be available?” he asked. “The supervillains, I mean. Not the police.”

Selfish, Materialistic Society Condemns Selfish, Materialistic Looters

As Britain burns in a lawless orgy of looting, a nation which has spent the last thirty years gleefully constructing a selfish, materialistic, devil-take-the-hindmost hell for itself erupted in fury last night at the selfish, materialistic actions of the hindmost.

“How bloody dare they?” spluttered Marcus Fellows, a Croydon call centre manager, as borough after borough descended into lawless disorder. “I pay 30% of my hard-earned salary so these ungrateful bastards can squat in their opulent council palaces, shooting up with all the horse tranquilisers they can lay their hands on. Look, I paid £650 for this bloody iPad 2 – where’s my comfortable feeling of entitlement gone when every skanky little toerag decides he’s just as entitled to one as me?”

London this morning

Elsewhere, incensed Bristol-based accountant James White spoke for many as he demanded the immediate deployment of riot squads with orders to take down anyone seen wearing brand new trainers.

“What’s called for is the same sort of heavy-handed confrontational policing that I condemned so roundly in December when the students were demonstrating over tuition fees,” he snarled. “While it was unacceptably brutal when my middle-class son Tom was on the sharp end of it, crude violence is obviously the only language the underclass understand.”

His wife Jessica, whose idea of grinding poverty is having to keep a car for three years instead of two, scoffed at the idea that people like her had in any way contributed to the creation of the underclass monster which was suddenly rampaging through Britain’s high streets.

“As Margaret Thatcher said back in the eighties, there is no such thing as society,” she pointed out shrilly. “So don’t you dare try to blame anything on me or I’ll call the police, you murdering communist bastard.”

‘Can We Make Pre-Emptive Strikes?’ Demand Public, As Ken Clarke Green-Lights Knifing Of Burglars

Your target for tonight, gentlemen

As justice secretary Kenneth Clarke unveiled plans to allow householders to escape prosecution if they stab anyone who breaks into their homes, homeowners asked to know if it wouldn’t simply save time if they invaded Britain’s inner-cities and knifed all the residents in advance.

“Anybody who wears a hood or walks around naked to the waist on a warm day, wears their trousers round their knees, or is as black as a coalman is obviously a ne’er-do-well of the worst sort, and we all know they infest the murky depths of our council estates,” said Rob Blind, a Richmond resident who owns some very expensive consumer electronics to which he is utterly devoted. “I’m sure the neighbours would be happy to join with me in forming a cavalry militia, with a view to riding in one morning at the crack of dawn and putting the lot of them to the sabre. Then we’d be able to sleep soundly in our beds for ever more, and it would save a small fortune in burglar alarms. Yes, I do read the Daily Mail, why do you ask?”

“I reckon I could bolt a few blades to the nearside wheels of my Freelander and drive close to the kerb next to the bus stops,” agreed his next-door neighbour Robert Savage, a chief inspector with the Metropolitan Police. “That’ll mow down all the underage drinkers at night, and the wicked pensioners who head these crime families by day.”

“Double win,” he added.