President Robert Mugabe has told his starving, diseased populace that Britain and America are scheming to persuade the United Nations to invade Zimbabwe, in the wake of the ongoing cholera epidemic.
“The colonial arch-imperialist Brown and his lackeys, the Americans, want to annexe our beautiful, prosperous country on the trumped-up excuse that some of you have a mild case of the trots,” said the 84-year-old dictator. “Now is the time for all loyal Zimbabweans - that means everyone, by the way - to put on a big nappy, pick up their AK47 and shoot the first white racist bastard they see coming down the street.”
“I’m pleased to see that eighteen - and counting - human rights activists and MDC advisors are so eager to repel the white peril that they have gone to ground, presumably to form a Vietcong-style resistance movement in the event of foreign occupation,” he added. “In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if more and more of them turned out to be occupying holes in the ground in the next few days.”
Ordinary Zimbabweans suffering from the rapid spread of cholera - caused by the total breakdown of the bankrupt nation’s neglected infrastructure - were deeply moved by their President’s appeal.
“Until recently, I couldn’t give a shit about anything Mugabe said,” said one dying Harare resident sitting on a bucket. “Now I give a shit about every five minutes. If the neo-colonialist invaders are coming, could they bring a few hundred sanitation engineers, a convoy of antibiotics and about fifty million water purification tablets, please?”
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