UK Immigration Service Training Manual
Illegal immigrants give themselves away by behaving in the following manner:
1. Loitering with intent to use a pedestrian crossing;
2. Smelling of foreign food;
3. Urinating in a public convenience;
4. Coughing without due care and attention;
5. Looking at an immigration officer in a funny way;
6. Walking on the cracks in the pavement;
7. Walking in a loud shirt in a built-up area during the hours of darkness;
8. Walking around with an offensive wife;
9. Possession of curly black hair and thick lips.
IMPORTANT! Take special care not to notice whether the villain is a coloured gentleman.
(With apologies to Not The Nine O'Clock News)