Saturday, 28 December 2019

New Year's Horrors List

Spot the missing letter N
Sir Peter William Sutcliffe for fostering community spirit within the sex work sector;
Sir Stephen Christopher Yaxley-Lennon a/k/a Sir Thomas Robinson for services to race relations;
Sir Elton John CH for services to the prime minister's standing with the ageing LGBTQ community;
Dame Thickola Morgan for the advancement of numeracy skills;
Lord Frank Zacharias Robin Goldsmith for lip service to the environment;
Dame Olivia Newton-John for being the one that you want, ooh ooh ooh;
Lord Stormzy for services to tokenism;
Sir Joe Stumps for services to sport blah blah blah;
Dame Kelly Leggs ditto;
Sir Oleg Arkshady for services to   █   and his jolly nice boat;
Sir Iain Duncan Smith because fuck you.

Tuesday, 17 December 2019

Little Hurtling Tube Of Death Production Temporarily Halted

Production of the Little Hurtling Tube Of Death will come to a temporary halt in January, a spokesman for Death Inc announced today, following the Federal Hurtling Authority's refusal to allow tubes of death to hurtle before 2020.
A Tube Of Death, Hurtling Earthward

"Safely returning the Little Hurtling Tube Of Death to service is our top priority," the death tube manufacturer said. "We know that the process of approving the Tube's return to service, and of determining appropriate training requirements, must be superficially thorough and robust, to ensure that our regulators, customers, and the hurtling public have confidence in the desperately rushed updates."

The Little Hurtling Tube Of Death, which was Death Inc's best-selling instrument of extirpation, has been involved in two fatal crashes that scored 346 deaths by hurtling, as well as all the other ones attributable to previous deadly Hurtling Tubes.

The Hurtling Authority explained that there were several tombstones to be passed before some 700 grounded Little Hurtling Tube Of Death could be returned to service.

"Never mind," said the Death Inc spokesman. "Our Great Big Hurtling Tubes Of Death and Long Range Hurtling Tubes Of Death are still shifting - both cash into our coffers, and souls into their coffins - and we still have full order books for our [Classified] [Classified] Of [Classified] Death."

"We're sure we'll survive," he added, "which is more than can be said by our end users."

Monday, 16 December 2019

The Nev Filter Says: Let's Have A Whip-Round For Tragic Tamara

Spare a thought this Christmas for the victim of the most devastating burglary in Britain. Tragic Tamara Ecclestone has lost everything - her favourite sparkly bangle, her Hublot and Rolex watches and her entire collection of diamond-studded spoons - to heartless thieving toerags. When she gets back from her exclusive Lapland holiday, her life will be in ruins.

And this isn't even the first time that tragedy has struck the Ecclestone family: in 2010 her little dad, Bernie was brutally mugged on his way to collect his pension for just £200,000 in loose diamonds.

Bling some joy to the needy
The Nev Filter today launches its Christmas Appeal to bring some seasonal goodwill to this poor, long-suffering family. Can you find it in your heart to donate some unwanted valuables? Maybe you have some Accesorize earrings, a gold Prince Albert or a six-inch bent nail encrusted in diamonds lying around that you can get by without. Pop them in a jiffy bag and send them c/o The Nev Filter, and together we can wipe the tears from Tamara's face this Christmas!

"I've got an old Sekonda I haven't worn in ages," said our editor this morning.

Sunday, 15 December 2019

Lack Of Mirrors Hindering Labour's Time For Reflection

A period of solemn reflection begins
Despite calls for a period of solemn reflection following its trouncing at the polls, it appears that nobody in the party can actually find a mirror.

"I have absolutely no idea what I look like," admitted lifelong socialist and recent party member Rob Rich, "so I asked my ex-MP and he wasn't very helpful at all."

"Anyway, I don't need to know what I look like," he added. "I know what neo-Blairite class traitors look like and I'm going to rearrange their faces."

"I don't know what I look like either," tweeted former transport minister Lord Adonis, "but it doesn't matter because I can spot a stupid entryist Trot when I see one, and I intend to show them all the door."

"I know what you all look like," growled a disgruntled former Labour voter as the almighty party punch-up began - but he was brusquely kicked aside by Richard Burgon, who is labouring under the delusion that he looks like leadership material.

Saturday, 14 December 2019

Corbyn To Resign After A Spot Of DIY

Jeremy Corbyn, some sort of Leader of some sort of Opposition, today answered growing calls for his resignation, explaining that he had "just a few odd jobs to attend to first."

Kicking against the...
Emerging from Labour HQ in a grimy overall with a bricklayer's trowel in his hand, the utterly defeated former favourite of the radical left wing of the party announced that he would be gone just as soon as he'd made some DIY alterations involving the old coal bunker in the cellar, a pallet of bricks and his camera-shy advisor and former Stalinist, Seumas Milne.

"You know, I've already replaced the floorboards in the conference room with Len McCluskey," added Mr Corbyn, "and John McDonnell is helping Karie Murphy to take a close look at a blockage in the chimney before he leaves."

At this point, the ubiquitous Ash Sarkar leapt out of an Uber to explain the concept of DIY to Britain's doomed youth, but Mr Corbyn suddenly turned pale and hurriedly retreated indoors as a Jewsons lorry arrived to drop a ton of bricks.