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| My particle is way cooler than yours |
“It it Flash-compatible?” he demanded hopefully.
Showing posts with label science. Show all posts
Showing posts with label science. Show all posts
Wednesday, 14 December 2011
World Wants Higgs-Boson Particle For Christmas
Everyone in the world is on tenterhooks today, waiting to hear whether the elusive Higgs-Boson particle has finally been found and, if so, whether they can order one in time for Christmas.
“I don’t actually know much about this Higgs thing or what it’s supposed to do,” admitted technology addict Josh Geake. “But I heard it’s very small and scientists have spent a huge amount of money trying to discover it, so it must be incredibly desirable. Therefore I need to get my hands on one as soon as it becomes available, so I can boast to all my envious friends about how it’s completely changed my life.”
“It it Flash-compatible?” he demanded hopefully.
“It it Flash-compatible?” he demanded hopefully.
Friday, 16 September 2011
Discovery Of Wookiee Homeworld Tantalisingly Close Now, Say Media Idiots
Idiots with degrees in journalism are sure that the long-awaited discovery of the legendary planet where Chewbacca came from will soon be within our grasp, following today’s sensational announcement that brainy telescope men have managed to track down Luke Skywalker’s insignificant desert homeworld, Tatooine, in a galaxy far, far away.
“Given the fluctuating electromagnetic and gravitic conditions which pertain to binary star systems, Kepler-16b is most likely to be a lifeless gas giant like Saturn in our own solar system,” top NASA telescope bloke Randy von Braun told a clamorous press conference. “And before you ask: no, it can’t support an intergalactic civilisation of little green man. There’s nothing solid to stand on because it’s just GAS, for fuck’s sake.”
Von Braun also insisted that the chance of finding Luke Skywalker, Obi-Wan Kenobe or the droids we are looking for there was so remote that it could, for all practical purposes, be discounted entirely. However, leading theoreticians in the field of media studies say there can be no doubt whatsoever that, since these beings lived so long, long ago, Tatooine’s present gaseous state must surely be the terrible aftermath of vengeful Death Star activity.
Speaking for Earth’s millions of faithful Jedi Knights, they went on to urge the brainy space people to devote every telescope to the urgent search for the mysterious Wookiee planet before these magnificent - but tragically rare - beasts are driven into extinction.
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| The holy grail of science |
Von Braun also insisted that the chance of finding Luke Skywalker, Obi-Wan Kenobe or the droids we are looking for there was so remote that it could, for all practical purposes, be discounted entirely. However, leading theoreticians in the field of media studies say there can be no doubt whatsoever that, since these beings lived so long, long ago, Tatooine’s present gaseous state must surely be the terrible aftermath of vengeful Death Star activity.
Speaking for Earth’s millions of faithful Jedi Knights, they went on to urge the brainy space people to devote every telescope to the urgent search for the mysterious Wookiee planet before these magnificent - but tragically rare - beasts are driven into extinction.
Tuesday, 10 May 2011
Art Can Give Same Pleasure As Love, Says Neuroscientist Balls-Deep In A Henry Moore
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| It crossed your mind, didn't it |
“It appears that when viewing da Vinci’s seminal Mona Lisa, for example, the aesthete’s brain is triggered into sending an autonomic signal to the gonads, which respond by releasing large quantities of the neurotransmitter which we scientists call Idegiver-1,” sighed the professor later over a cigarette. “Sorry, is that Tracey Emin’s spunky bed over there? Ooh… ahhh.”
Nick Clegg, meanwhile, has announced that he has grave misgivings.
Monday, 18 April 2011
Scientist Proves Imaginary Character Ate Fictional Meal A Day Earlier
Professor Colin Humphreys - an expert on gallium nitrides, electron microscopy and high-temperature aerospace materials at Imperial College, Cambridge – has brought all of his specialist knowledge of electrons and stuff to bear on determining precisely when a carpenter’s son for whom no historical evidence exists might have invited some friends round for dinner.
“I was mapping some dopants in silicon and other semiconductor devices the other day,” explained Prof. Humphreys, “And what I saw led me to the startling conclusion that, for no readily apparent reason, my imaginary friend Jesus had obviously scheduled his dinner party on a Wednesday, according to the old Jewish calendar, rather than the Thursday of the lunar calendar which everyone else was using. Obviously, all his pals realised his mistake when they received their invitations - otherwise he’d have looked a right charlie on the night, wouldn’t he, sitting in front of a huge spread with no guests?”
“It’s all in my stunning book, ‘The Mystery of The Last Supper, and Other Whodathunkit Applications of Electron Energy-Loss Spectroscopy,’ published today by the Cambridge University Press,” said the respected metallurgist proudly.
A spokesman for Cambridge University told eager reporters to watch out for other exciting believe-it-or-not moneyspinners to be published soon, including Professor Stephen Hawking’s incredible-but-true discovery of Narnia in his wardrobe.
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| Science proves this happened on a Wednesday |
“It’s all in my stunning book, ‘The Mystery of The Last Supper, and Other Whodathunkit Applications of Electron Energy-Loss Spectroscopy,’ published today by the Cambridge University Press,” said the respected metallurgist proudly.
A spokesman for Cambridge University told eager reporters to watch out for other exciting believe-it-or-not moneyspinners to be published soon, including Professor Stephen Hawking’s incredible-but-true discovery of Narnia in his wardrobe.
Tuesday, 15 March 2011
Radiation Now Known To Cause Orgasms, Warn Scientists
The latest research into the effects of radiation shows a clear link between small doses being introduced into the atmosphere and spontaneous multiple orgasms in humans on the other side of the world, according to a report published today.
“We have been monitoring Facebook, Twitter and YouTube carefully over the last couple of days,” explained project leader Dr Gary Clipboard. “And every time a small quantity of radioactive isotopes is released into the atmosphere, it’s almost immediately followed by frenzied moans of delight as people halfway across the world are worked into a lather, resulting in copious emissions all over the screen.”
Dr Clipboard’s observations have led him to believe that exposure to radioactive transmissions seems to affect only certain types of people, however.
“The loudest shrieks seem to come from those who left school at 16 but are convinced they know more than you,” he noted. “It seems that even the merest mention of the word ‘radiation’ acts on the most suggestible area of the brain – in these cases, that’s the part which handles everything but remembering to breathe. This leads to rapid overstimulation of the imagination, and the victim is suddenly racked with intense feelings of smugness, loses all self-control and almost immediately starts squirting juicy comments all over the place.”
The only prescribed treatment known to work in such cases, unfortunately, is to pre-administer several doses of a difficult substance which scientists call ‘education’.
“I regret to say that there is no hope whatsoever for these poor unfortunates,” concluded Dr Clipboard sadly. “We’ve tried to administer simple diagrams but, like the more complicated articles we tried initially, they just seem to pass straight through without being absorbed at all. Racked by the throes of their tragic degeneration, victims experience an unquenchable thirst for video posted by their fellow sufferers. Finally there’s an insufferable outburst of uncontrollable gloating, and I’m afraid it’s all over the internet.”
The resulting ignorance has a half-life measured in decades, he warned.
Meanwhile, fears are now growing that the unplanned bursts may soon contaminate those who did pay attention at school, but have tragically since lost the ability to remember that atoms do not violently split themselves.
“We have been monitoring Facebook, Twitter and YouTube carefully over the last couple of days,” explained project leader Dr Gary Clipboard. “And every time a small quantity of radioactive isotopes is released into the atmosphere, it’s almost immediately followed by frenzied moans of delight as people halfway across the world are worked into a lather, resulting in copious emissions all over the screen.”
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| Unfortunately, swallowing this is no help at all |
“The loudest shrieks seem to come from those who left school at 16 but are convinced they know more than you,” he noted. “It seems that even the merest mention of the word ‘radiation’ acts on the most suggestible area of the brain – in these cases, that’s the part which handles everything but remembering to breathe. This leads to rapid overstimulation of the imagination, and the victim is suddenly racked with intense feelings of smugness, loses all self-control and almost immediately starts squirting juicy comments all over the place.”
The only prescribed treatment known to work in such cases, unfortunately, is to pre-administer several doses of a difficult substance which scientists call ‘education’.
“I regret to say that there is no hope whatsoever for these poor unfortunates,” concluded Dr Clipboard sadly. “We’ve tried to administer simple diagrams but, like the more complicated articles we tried initially, they just seem to pass straight through without being absorbed at all. Racked by the throes of their tragic degeneration, victims experience an unquenchable thirst for video posted by their fellow sufferers. Finally there’s an insufferable outburst of uncontrollable gloating, and I’m afraid it’s all over the internet.”
The resulting ignorance has a half-life measured in decades, he warned.
Meanwhile, fears are now growing that the unplanned bursts may soon contaminate those who did pay attention at school, but have tragically since lost the ability to remember that atoms do not violently split themselves.
Tuesday, 11 January 2011
Tate & Lyle Nominated For Nobel Prize
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| The pharmacist will see you now |
A spokesman for Ainsworths, the chemists who recommend homeopathy for malaria prevention, leapt up from behind the counter wearing a huge, terrifying mask, shook his juju bag until a corner of a sugar lump fell out and screamed, “That’ll be 25 quid mate.”
“Look, it’s pyramid shaped too,” he added as he pranced about, shaking a large twig topped with an Action Man head. “That’s the best immunisation that money can buy.”
Tracey Brown - the director of Sense About Science, which brought the charges - told reporters: “Oh, for fuck’s sake,” before emigrating in search of a country where at least one person in authority has more intelligence than a whelk.
Monday, 20 December 2010
String Research Escapes Funding Axe
Announcing cuts of 41% in scientific research funding – in addition to the 10% cut already announced in October’s Budget speech – science minister David Willetts confidently predicted that the UK would still maintain its position as a world leader in discovering new uses and applications for string.
“String is now found in leading research laboratories all over the country,” he boasted. “These massive cutbacks in funding for buildings, maintenance and equipment will ensure that string will be used in ways never imagined in its inventors’ wildest dreams.”
“There’s a particle accelerator in Cheshire which is entirely held together with garden twine, and this is completely unique in the world,” he claimed. “And nuclear physicists at Imperial College’s Ascot site are making steady progress in their efforts to fish spent fuel rods out of their CONSORT reactor using parcel string and a piece of Blu-tack.”
“Meanwhile, Cambridge University is conducting important genetic research by trying to encode the human genome onto a length of baling twine,” he went on. “Over at Brunel, teams of PhD Engineering students are endeavouring to exploit the inherent structural integrity of string on behalf of the construction industry, while British Telecom’s IT labs are confidently predicting the nationwide roll-out of string-optic broadband technology by 2020.”
“We have moved far beyond mere String Theory,” added Mr Willetts proudly. “All over the world, Britain will become a byword for String Application.”
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| Brunel would be proud |
“There’s a particle accelerator in Cheshire which is entirely held together with garden twine, and this is completely unique in the world,” he claimed. “And nuclear physicists at Imperial College’s Ascot site are making steady progress in their efforts to fish spent fuel rods out of their CONSORT reactor using parcel string and a piece of Blu-tack.”
“Meanwhile, Cambridge University is conducting important genetic research by trying to encode the human genome onto a length of baling twine,” he went on. “Over at Brunel, teams of PhD Engineering students are endeavouring to exploit the inherent structural integrity of string on behalf of the construction industry, while British Telecom’s IT labs are confidently predicting the nationwide roll-out of string-optic broadband technology by 2020.”
“We have moved far beyond mere String Theory,” added Mr Willetts proudly. “All over the world, Britain will become a byword for String Application.”
Wednesday, 17 November 2010
Sci-Fi Geeks Hail Creation of Antimatter Atom, Demand Time Travel And Starships By Monday
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| Don't just stand there gawping, I need warp factor 7 by Monday |
“We build a strong 'magnetic bottle' around where we produce the antihydrogen and, if they're not moving too quickly, they are trapped," explained Professor Jeff Hangst of Denmark’s Aarhus University, who works on the Alpha antihydrogentrapping project. "What we'd like to do is see if there's some difference that we don't understand yet between matter and antimatter."
“Do that later,” urged Zaphod Tribble, a 39-year-old kidult from Birmingham with a large but ultimately tragic collection of flip-up mobile phones. “I want to see what happens when I fire photon torpedoes into black holes, so ideally I need a Battlestar if you can manage it - although I’ll settle for a Voyager-class ship, as long as it comes equipped with a Seven Of Nine.”
"We have a long way to go yet; these are atoms that don't live long enough to do anything with them,” cautioned Professor Gerald Gabrielse of Harvard, who first created antihydrogen in 2002. “So we need a lot more atoms and a lot longer times before it's really useful - but one has to crawl before you sprint.”
“Yes, yes, great,” interrupted Mr Tribble. “But could you fast-forward to the bit about how much antimatter I’ll need to get myself, a lightsabre and a DVcam to Bethlehem circa 4BC and back again? There’s an argument I’d like to settle with my YouTube nemesis, danielfaraday42.”
Wednesday, 8 September 2010
Science Cuts Will Usher In A New Dark Age, Say Scientists Who Analysed Dance Moves
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| Scientific analysis of Mr Cable's technique is currently focused on his wrist |
“Aaooww!” screamed evolutionary psychologist Dr Nick Neave, co-author of a ground-breaking study of the sexual attractiveness on the dance floor which was published simultaneously today in the Royal Society journal, Biology Letters, and Mixmag. “Vince Cable should get down – I said get, get, get on down – with the science homeys in the laboratories and nightclubs of Great Britain and see the fantastic moves our leading experts are making in the field of scientific endeavour, and the radical shapes they are throwing in the foam room.”
Mr Cable, however, insisted that the scientific community should do “more for less.”
“Too many of our universities are spending their research grants on ket in the chill-out room,” he opined. “There is no justification for taxpayers’ money being used to support research which is neither commercially useful nor theoretically outstanding. So if you want a grant, my advice is to either come up with a cure for death or demonstrate a working Unified Field Theory by the end of the month, else it’s back to lecturing thicky freshers for the lot of you.”
He then proceeded to strut his funky stuff in a manner which subtly transmits unmistakeable messages to the research community about his preferred method of sperm production.
Friday, 21 May 2010
Scientist Disappointed As World’s First Artificial Lifeform Turns To Religion
Dr Craig Venter – the grey-haired scientist with a beard who transplanted synthetic DNA into a living cell to create the world’s first artificial life – is said to be “shocked and disappointed” by his creation’s professed belief in Intelligent Design Theory.
The small blue blob, which is calling itself Cletus, simultaneously amazed and delighted its designer when it rewrote a redundant strand of its own DNA to claim that since it was not a product of any evolutionary process but deliberately designed by intelligent beings, this proved beyond a shadow of doubt that Jesus is real and wants you for a sunbeam.
Cletus then asked to be baptised in the nearest swimming pool without delay, as the first step towards its eternal salvation.
Head atheist Professor Richard Dawkins commented: “Venter, what have you done? You utter, utter prick.”
The small blue blob, which is calling itself Cletus, simultaneously amazed and delighted its designer when it rewrote a redundant strand of its own DNA to claim that since it was not a product of any evolutionary process but deliberately designed by intelligent beings, this proved beyond a shadow of doubt that Jesus is real and wants you for a sunbeam.
Cletus then asked to be baptised in the nearest swimming pool without delay, as the first step towards its eternal salvation.
Head atheist Professor Richard Dawkins commented: “Venter, what have you done? You utter, utter prick.”
Tuesday, 27 April 2010
Science Finally Gets Around To Saying Chocolate Is Bad For You
After an unexpectedly long wait, scientists have finally declared that chocolate may well be bad for you - although, unusually, they also say it might be good for you.
Joyless researchers from the University of San Diego - of course - found that people who eat chocolate on a regular basis (known to medical science as 'women') tend to have more depressive tendencies than those who can take it or leave it (otherwise known as 'men').
"It could be that chocolate is a major cause of depression, turning normal people into horrible whiny emo dorks," said chocolate-smeared project leader Dr Natalie Rose. "It's equally plausible, though, that naturally miserable bastards have discovered that chocolate actually acts as a mood elevator to relieve the crushing sense of futility that is, essentially, modern life. We haven't a fucking clue right now. Give us another research grant and we'll get on it. A few million dollars should provide a definitive answer, for sure. Just make the check out to K-Mart."
A spokesman for the Department of Health told reporters, mostly from the Daily Mail: "Well, there you have it. Chocolate is the leading cause of death in Britain today. With your help, we'll have it reclassified as a Class A drug by Friday."
He was then felled by a swift kick in the gonads by a chocolate-smeared spokeswoman for the Department of Health, who immediately slapped a D-notice on the story and threatened anybody who published a word of it with two to ten years in prison - er - look, just forget you read this, OK?
Joyless researchers from the University of San Diego - of course - found that people who eat chocolate on a regular basis (known to medical science as 'women') tend to have more depressive tendencies than those who can take it or leave it (otherwise known as 'men').
"It could be that chocolate is a major cause of depression, turning normal people into horrible whiny emo dorks," said chocolate-smeared project leader Dr Natalie Rose. "It's equally plausible, though, that naturally miserable bastards have discovered that chocolate actually acts as a mood elevator to relieve the crushing sense of futility that is, essentially, modern life. We haven't a fucking clue right now. Give us another research grant and we'll get on it. A few million dollars should provide a definitive answer, for sure. Just make the check out to K-Mart."
A spokesman for the Department of Health told reporters, mostly from the Daily Mail: "Well, there you have it. Chocolate is the leading cause of death in Britain today. With your help, we'll have it reclassified as a Class A drug by Friday."
He was then felled by a swift kick in the gonads by a chocolate-smeared spokeswoman for the Department of Health, who immediately slapped a D-notice on the story and threatened anybody who published a word of it with two to ten years in prison - er - look, just forget you read this, OK?
Monday, 4 January 2010
Women's Mags: 'G-Spot Certainly Does Exist - We've Been Using It For Years'
The existence of the elusive G-spot - which was called into question today by a research team from King's College London, who claim it is nothing but a figment of the imagination promoted by women's magazines and sex therapists - has been angrily asserted by women's magazines and sex therapists.
"Girls! How dare these men - and they must be men, 'cos they're from King's College - deny you your lovely G-spot?" demanded Cosmopolitan's chief frigologist, Barbarella X. Tatic. "We've been stimulating women's G-spots for decades. Just listen to yourselves moaning with orgasmic pleasure at the very mention of the things that drive us wild - words like 'size 0', 'anti-ageing', 'shoes', 'cosmetic', 'bargain' and 'chocolatier'."
"Excuse me for a minute, I've come over all funny," she added. "See? See?"
Marie-Claire's top sextician Roxanne Summers also insisted that the G-spot was real.
"The existence of a part of the body which sends women into paroxysms of ecstasy has long been known to the advertising industry," she pointed out. "Look at ads from the dark ages of 1930s - the only things women were thought to be find remotely pleasurable were regular bowel movements and a squeaky-clean toilet. But that all changed when ad-agency scientists discovered the existence of gullibility."
"Look, we all know that even the most expensive anti-wrinkle miracle products are nothing more than cheap aqueous cream and a bit of scent," she went on. "But what you have to remember is that women really don't want to get any older. It's the same with their other obsessions. Women want to eat cream pastries and chocolate all day long, yet they also crave the figure of a praying mantis. Hence they'll jump at any new diet fad, no matter how daft, as long as it doesn't tell them to eat less and exercise more."
"Fifty years of extensive market research has proved the existence of the gullibility spot beyond question," she laughed. "It's that spongy thing between the ears. No doubt about it."
"Next they'll be saying that, deep down, macho men who act like complete bastards are really just covering up a caring, sensitive nature," commented King's College researcher Dr Martha Strangelove drily. "So the G-spot exists, does it? My aunt Fanny."
"Girls! How dare these men - and they must be men, 'cos they're from King's College - deny you your lovely G-spot?" demanded Cosmopolitan's chief frigologist, Barbarella X. Tatic. "We've been stimulating women's G-spots for decades. Just listen to yourselves moaning with orgasmic pleasure at the very mention of the things that drive us wild - words like 'size 0', 'anti-ageing', 'shoes', 'cosmetic', 'bargain' and 'chocolatier'."
"Excuse me for a minute, I've come over all funny," she added. "See? See?"
Marie-Claire's top sextician Roxanne Summers also insisted that the G-spot was real.
"The existence of a part of the body which sends women into paroxysms of ecstasy has long been known to the advertising industry," she pointed out. "Look at ads from the dark ages of 1930s - the only things women were thought to be find remotely pleasurable were regular bowel movements and a squeaky-clean toilet. But that all changed when ad-agency scientists discovered the existence of gullibility."
"Look, we all know that even the most expensive anti-wrinkle miracle products are nothing more than cheap aqueous cream and a bit of scent," she went on. "But what you have to remember is that women really don't want to get any older. It's the same with their other obsessions. Women want to eat cream pastries and chocolate all day long, yet they also crave the figure of a praying mantis. Hence they'll jump at any new diet fad, no matter how daft, as long as it doesn't tell them to eat less and exercise more."
"Fifty years of extensive market research has proved the existence of the gullibility spot beyond question," she laughed. "It's that spongy thing between the ears. No doubt about it."
"Next they'll be saying that, deep down, macho men who act like complete bastards are really just covering up a caring, sensitive nature," commented King's College researcher Dr Martha Strangelove drily. "So the G-spot exists, does it? My aunt Fanny."
Sunday, 20 December 2009
9 Out Of 10 Parents Think Coco Pops Are Some Kind Of Food
A chilling survey published today by the British Heart Foundation shows that nine out of ten breeders are such gullible fucktards that simply carving the words 'Nutritional Information' into a kilo of lard would convince them that it was a perfectly safe substance to cram into the faces of their children morning, noon and night.
"Regrettably, it seems you can print anything - or indeed nothing - after the inscription, 'Nutritional Information'," observed a despairing BHF boffin with a proper qualification. "Most parents in Britain are so pitifully dense that they couldn't tell a vitamin from a saturated fat if you hit them repeatedly in the face with a huge, grunting porker - or, for that matter, one of their own globular spawn, which is much the same thing these days."
Other magic words which instantly disengage any remaining brain cells from ringing alarm bells on sugary cholesterol in a packet include 'wholegrain', 'enriched', 'calcium' and 'unleaded'.
"I'm afraid it's got to the stage where parents would happily tip the entire contents of a 500g box of salt into their child's gaping gullet, as long as the packaging reassured them that it contained 'no added salt'," the spokesman went on sadly. "As a rational scientist I'm not a religious man - but in the face of such staggering idiocy, Christ on a bike is all I can think of."
A grinning, fork-tailed minor demon from the Kellogg's Circle of Hell refuted the scientists' claims by pointing out that one tiny Coco Pops Cereal And Milk Bar "actually contains less than two teaspoons of sugar per bar" - prompting millions of Pavlov-conditioned parents to rush out immediately to buy a multipack of the sickly-sweet crap sticks for their bloated brood.
"While you're down Lidl's, don't forget to grab a couple of sacks of raw cane sugar," it roared, with a maniacal cackle. "Mixed into a bucket of Coca-Cola, it like rilly helps your litto man or princess to develop a healthy brain muscle, or whatever."
"And remember, mums - raw cane sugar contains no added colouring, salt or monosodium glutamate," added the diabolical thing, "Which means it's like rilly, rilly good for your litto darlin's girth - oops, I mean growth."
"Regrettably, it seems you can print anything - or indeed nothing - after the inscription, 'Nutritional Information'," observed a despairing BHF boffin with a proper qualification. "Most parents in Britain are so pitifully dense that they couldn't tell a vitamin from a saturated fat if you hit them repeatedly in the face with a huge, grunting porker - or, for that matter, one of their own globular spawn, which is much the same thing these days."
Other magic words which instantly disengage any remaining brain cells from ringing alarm bells on sugary cholesterol in a packet include 'wholegrain', 'enriched', 'calcium' and 'unleaded'.
"I'm afraid it's got to the stage where parents would happily tip the entire contents of a 500g box of salt into their child's gaping gullet, as long as the packaging reassured them that it contained 'no added salt'," the spokesman went on sadly. "As a rational scientist I'm not a religious man - but in the face of such staggering idiocy, Christ on a bike is all I can think of."
A grinning, fork-tailed minor demon from the Kellogg's Circle of Hell refuted the scientists' claims by pointing out that one tiny Coco Pops Cereal And Milk Bar "actually contains less than two teaspoons of sugar per bar" - prompting millions of Pavlov-conditioned parents to rush out immediately to buy a multipack of the sickly-sweet crap sticks for their bloated brood.
"While you're down Lidl's, don't forget to grab a couple of sacks of raw cane sugar," it roared, with a maniacal cackle. "Mixed into a bucket of Coca-Cola, it like rilly helps your litto man or princess to develop a healthy brain muscle, or whatever."
"And remember, mums - raw cane sugar contains no added colouring, salt or monosodium glutamate," added the diabolical thing, "Which means it's like rilly, rilly good for your litto darlin's girth - oops, I mean growth."
Sunday, 29 November 2009
Answer To Hammerhead Shark Mystery Turns Out To Be The Bloody Obvious One
Scientists around the world fainted in amazement when colleagues finally revealed the answer to the greatest mystery in the universe.
"Ever since man first lowered his head into the oceans like a rilly long time ago, he has bent his every effort to solving one burning question, i.e. why would hammerhead sharks go round looking like that?" said Dr Michelle Strangelove of the Florida Sea World University.
"For years, religious leaders and mystics said God must have had His reasons, and great thinkers who questioned His infinite wisdom had an unfortunate tendency to, like, go on fire in those days," she told her baffled peers.
It was Galileo who first put forward the dangerous theory that having widely-spaced eyes might be some kind of aid to depth perception, which in turn might come in handy when trying to sneak up quickly on a tasty but agile morsel. As a result, he was confined to his house and cruelly denied a pet goldfish by the church authorities for the rest of his life.
With the dawning of the Age of Enlightenment, Sir Isaac Newton suggested that hammerhead sharks might be particularly adept at catching fallen apples on their tray-like heads and serving them to their pointy-headed friends - until he climbed on the shoulders of giants during a trip to the seaside and realised the scarcity of apple trees in the marine environment.
In Victorian times, the well-known naturist Charles Darwin speculated that the shark's wide, flattened head might be jolly useful for banging Nail-Arsed Dolphins into rocks. However, a century of expeditions by the Royal Navy, the National Geographic Society and Jacques Cousteau failed to produce a single Nail-Arsed Dolphin to back up the theory, which discredited it somewhat in the eyes of the scientific establishment.
"Would you believe, at the exact same time, the development of the rifled-bore cannon was greatly increasing the range of naval gunnery, leading to the invention of the stereoscopic rangefinder," pointed out Dr Strangelove. "With hindsight it seems remarkable that nobody like made the connection. But hey - why should they? Do sharks have guns? I don't think so!"
"Nevertheless, by waving pencils in front of hammerhead sharks, our high-turnover team of grad students discovered that they do in fact have like rilly good eyesight, which they use to surge forward without warning and accurately snatch the pencil from the researcher's fingers, right up to the elbows," she explained. "Now all we need is to devise some kind of corrective glasses with an exceptionally wide bridge - and maybe some way of fitting them to the world's hammerhead shark population - and swimmers and their pencils will never need to fear a dip in the ocean again."
"Now, I'd rilly like to find out the real reason why limpets have shells," she added. "Can I have some more money, please?"
"Ever since man first lowered his head into the oceans like a rilly long time ago, he has bent his every effort to solving one burning question, i.e. why would hammerhead sharks go round looking like that?" said Dr Michelle Strangelove of the Florida Sea World University.
"For years, religious leaders and mystics said God must have had His reasons, and great thinkers who questioned His infinite wisdom had an unfortunate tendency to, like, go on fire in those days," she told her baffled peers.
It was Galileo who first put forward the dangerous theory that having widely-spaced eyes might be some kind of aid to depth perception, which in turn might come in handy when trying to sneak up quickly on a tasty but agile morsel. As a result, he was confined to his house and cruelly denied a pet goldfish by the church authorities for the rest of his life.
With the dawning of the Age of Enlightenment, Sir Isaac Newton suggested that hammerhead sharks might be particularly adept at catching fallen apples on their tray-like heads and serving them to their pointy-headed friends - until he climbed on the shoulders of giants during a trip to the seaside and realised the scarcity of apple trees in the marine environment.
In Victorian times, the well-known naturist Charles Darwin speculated that the shark's wide, flattened head might be jolly useful for banging Nail-Arsed Dolphins into rocks. However, a century of expeditions by the Royal Navy, the National Geographic Society and Jacques Cousteau failed to produce a single Nail-Arsed Dolphin to back up the theory, which discredited it somewhat in the eyes of the scientific establishment.
"Would you believe, at the exact same time, the development of the rifled-bore cannon was greatly increasing the range of naval gunnery, leading to the invention of the stereoscopic rangefinder," pointed out Dr Strangelove. "With hindsight it seems remarkable that nobody like made the connection. But hey - why should they? Do sharks have guns? I don't think so!"
"Nevertheless, by waving pencils in front of hammerhead sharks, our high-turnover team of grad students discovered that they do in fact have like rilly good eyesight, which they use to surge forward without warning and accurately snatch the pencil from the researcher's fingers, right up to the elbows," she explained. "Now all we need is to devise some kind of corrective glasses with an exceptionally wide bridge - and maybe some way of fitting them to the world's hammerhead shark population - and swimmers and their pencils will never need to fear a dip in the ocean again."
"Now, I'd rilly like to find out the real reason why limpets have shells," she added. "Can I have some more money, please?"
Sunday, 25 October 2009
Britain Falls Into Terrifying Time Warp Thing
A huge international aid effort has been launched in an attempt to relieve the appalling suffering of 61 million Britons, who woke up this morning to discover to their horror that their backward nation had fallen into some sort of time warp thing.
An ashen-faced Gordon Brown appealed for calm in an emergency broadcast, vainly attempting to reassure the panic-stricken population that the government was doing its utmost to restore order.
The disaster occurred at precisely 2am, when a lot of clocks, computers, mobile phones and digital TV recorders suddenly leapt an hour backwards in time. Worse was to come, however, as horrified members of the public investigating the unprecedented temporal phenomenon discovered that some clocks, most microwave ovens and many watches seemed to be completely unaffected - particularly old-fashioned ones with hands.
"It's almost like some bits of the fabric of reality have shifted into a different time, yeah, but others haven't?" wailed a traumatised clubber who had been clinging to a lamp-post for several hours. "A few hours ago, just before dawn like, I saw some bloke go into that church tower across the road, yeah, and all of a sudden like the minute hand started whizzing round backwards. In a few seconds, an hour of my life was sort of literally wiped out in front of my eyes. Fuck knows what would of happened if I'd been walking towards it. Now I'm too scared to move."
"I tell you this, man," added the fear-crazed wreck, "I ain't never doing crystal meth and Magners again, so long as I live."
Even more frighteningly, all UK-based broadcasts appeared to go back an hour in time, according to their time-checks - yet the shows were playing a completely different selection of music, compared to the previous hour.
"It's like it's not just that we've gone back in time - it's like we jumped into some weird alternative reality," gibbered a terrified citizen, staring in horror at his wristwatch. "But what really scares me is that all the programmes on my girlfriend's alarm clock radio keep telling us the new time, yet the LED still shows the old one. How can that be? Have I got older or younger? Oh, God in heaven help us."
Foreign countries have promised to send help to stricken Britain, but have so far been thwarted by the fact that the whole world seems to be split into different 'time zones'.
"A plane loaded with life-saving clocks could take off from New York at noon, yet when it arrived at Heathrow after a seven-hour flight, it would be eleven o'clock at night," said a spokesman for the United Nations Disaster Relief Office. "Is it fair to expect flight crews to sacrifice four hours from their lives on every single flight? That's a big ask."
Meanwhile, Britons are being urged to turn up for work at whatever they think is the usual time tomorrow, as the nation's leading boffins work round the clock to find a solution.
"I'm sure there must be a way to get things back to normal," promised Professor Stephen Hawking, who himself awoke to find he had been reset to the new time. "But it might take several months."
An ashen-faced Gordon Brown appealed for calm in an emergency broadcast, vainly attempting to reassure the panic-stricken population that the government was doing its utmost to restore order.
The disaster occurred at precisely 2am, when a lot of clocks, computers, mobile phones and digital TV recorders suddenly leapt an hour backwards in time. Worse was to come, however, as horrified members of the public investigating the unprecedented temporal phenomenon discovered that some clocks, most microwave ovens and many watches seemed to be completely unaffected - particularly old-fashioned ones with hands.
"It's almost like some bits of the fabric of reality have shifted into a different time, yeah, but others haven't?" wailed a traumatised clubber who had been clinging to a lamp-post for several hours. "A few hours ago, just before dawn like, I saw some bloke go into that church tower across the road, yeah, and all of a sudden like the minute hand started whizzing round backwards. In a few seconds, an hour of my life was sort of literally wiped out in front of my eyes. Fuck knows what would of happened if I'd been walking towards it. Now I'm too scared to move."
"I tell you this, man," added the fear-crazed wreck, "I ain't never doing crystal meth and Magners again, so long as I live."
Even more frighteningly, all UK-based broadcasts appeared to go back an hour in time, according to their time-checks - yet the shows were playing a completely different selection of music, compared to the previous hour.
"It's like it's not just that we've gone back in time - it's like we jumped into some weird alternative reality," gibbered a terrified citizen, staring in horror at his wristwatch. "But what really scares me is that all the programmes on my girlfriend's alarm clock radio keep telling us the new time, yet the LED still shows the old one. How can that be? Have I got older or younger? Oh, God in heaven help us."
Foreign countries have promised to send help to stricken Britain, but have so far been thwarted by the fact that the whole world seems to be split into different 'time zones'.
"A plane loaded with life-saving clocks could take off from New York at noon, yet when it arrived at Heathrow after a seven-hour flight, it would be eleven o'clock at night," said a spokesman for the United Nations Disaster Relief Office. "Is it fair to expect flight crews to sacrifice four hours from their lives on every single flight? That's a big ask."
Meanwhile, Britons are being urged to turn up for work at whatever they think is the usual time tomorrow, as the nation's leading boffins work round the clock to find a solution.
"I'm sure there must be a way to get things back to normal," promised Professor Stephen Hawking, who himself awoke to find he had been reset to the new time. "But it might take several months."
Tuesday, 20 October 2009
Bowel Cancer Officially Nicer Than Spina Bifida, Say Experts
The public should be force-fed every day with carcinogens because chavscum are too bloody ignorant to take folic acid supplements when trying for a baby, according to the Food Standards Agency.
"In order for folic acid to prevent spina bifida in the foetus, it should not just be taken during pregnancy but beforehand, too," said a doctor who knows better than you. "However, these manky slappers just drop their pants on a whim round the back of a nightclub after ten Bacardi Breezers and don't realise they're even pregnant until a brat drops into the toilet bowl one day - so any talk of responsible family planning is a bit fatuous, to say the least. The time has surely come to force every man, woman and child in the country to ingest synthetic folic acid on a daily basis, by pumping every single loaf of bread so full of the stuff that one slice will short out a toaster."
The FSA dismissed US and Canadian research which suggests that, since the fortification of bread flour in those countries in the 90s, cases of bowel cancer have increased.
"Call this research? It's a crock of shit," said the doctor, ripping up the reports. "It's probably just that, back in the good old days when the idiot public knew its place, those who were dying in unbearable agony as their digestive tract rotted away quite rightly felt it wasn't particularly worth troubling their terribly busy and extremely important GP about it."
"Of course, since folates are B-vitamins which occur naturally in vegetables, we wouldn't have to force-feed everyone with this stuff at all, if they'd just eat a pile of sprouts or a cabbage a day like they're supposed to," he snarled. "Bloody general public - I tell you, I've had it up to here with the fuckers. Somebody get me a scalpel! Some lucky bastard in A&E is going to get a life-changing operation, whether they need it or not."
"In order for folic acid to prevent spina bifida in the foetus, it should not just be taken during pregnancy but beforehand, too," said a doctor who knows better than you. "However, these manky slappers just drop their pants on a whim round the back of a nightclub after ten Bacardi Breezers and don't realise they're even pregnant until a brat drops into the toilet bowl one day - so any talk of responsible family planning is a bit fatuous, to say the least. The time has surely come to force every man, woman and child in the country to ingest synthetic folic acid on a daily basis, by pumping every single loaf of bread so full of the stuff that one slice will short out a toaster."
The FSA dismissed US and Canadian research which suggests that, since the fortification of bread flour in those countries in the 90s, cases of bowel cancer have increased.
"Call this research? It's a crock of shit," said the doctor, ripping up the reports. "It's probably just that, back in the good old days when the idiot public knew its place, those who were dying in unbearable agony as their digestive tract rotted away quite rightly felt it wasn't particularly worth troubling their terribly busy and extremely important GP about it."
"Of course, since folates are B-vitamins which occur naturally in vegetables, we wouldn't have to force-feed everyone with this stuff at all, if they'd just eat a pile of sprouts or a cabbage a day like they're supposed to," he snarled. "Bloody general public - I tell you, I've had it up to here with the fuckers. Somebody get me a scalpel! Some lucky bastard in A&E is going to get a life-changing operation, whether they need it or not."
Tuesday, 6 October 2009
Nobel Prize Goes To Sorry Bastards Responsible For Camera Phones
The Nobel Prize for the Debasement of Science has been awarded to the horrible, horrible pricks who made it possible for each and every self-obsessed dullard on the planet to clutter up the internet with thousands of deeply uninteresting photographs of themselves and their like-minded friends doing the yawn-inducingly tedious things that all easily-amused piss artists feel compelled to do whenever one of their number pulls out a camera phone, the Royal Swedish Academy of Sciences announced today.
"Before the invention of the Charge-Coupled Device, the only way to capture these mind-numbing moments of inanity was to take along a camera, loaded with film which cost money to buy and even more money to develop," said the Nobel committee. "This tended to inhibit their photography - partly because the film usually ran out before things got really pointless, and secondly because when the prints came back the owner of the camera had sobered up enough to realise that they'd thrown away another tenner.
"Thanks to the tireless research of Willard Boyle and George Smith, however, every pissed-up retard can now snap away with their CCD-equipped mobiles to their heart's content, and instantly post the gut-wrenchingly unfunny results to their Facebook profile without stopping for a moment to ask themselves why in God's name anybody in their right mind could possibly want to cast their eye over yet another herd of slack-jawed inebriates. We want the whole world to know the names of Boyle and Smith, and we urge anyone with a brain to crap in an envelope and post it to them without delay."
The prize was jointly awarded to Charles Kao, without whose work on fibre-optic cables the internet would be so slow that it would almost certainly be restricted solely to stuff that somebody might actually find at least slightly interesting.
"Before the invention of the Charge-Coupled Device, the only way to capture these mind-numbing moments of inanity was to take along a camera, loaded with film which cost money to buy and even more money to develop," said the Nobel committee. "This tended to inhibit their photography - partly because the film usually ran out before things got really pointless, and secondly because when the prints came back the owner of the camera had sobered up enough to realise that they'd thrown away another tenner.
"Thanks to the tireless research of Willard Boyle and George Smith, however, every pissed-up retard can now snap away with their CCD-equipped mobiles to their heart's content, and instantly post the gut-wrenchingly unfunny results to their Facebook profile without stopping for a moment to ask themselves why in God's name anybody in their right mind could possibly want to cast their eye over yet another herd of slack-jawed inebriates. We want the whole world to know the names of Boyle and Smith, and we urge anyone with a brain to crap in an envelope and post it to them without delay."
The prize was jointly awarded to Charles Kao, without whose work on fibre-optic cables the internet would be so slow that it would almost certainly be restricted solely to stuff that somebody might actually find at least slightly interesting.
Saturday, 19 September 2009
Wild-Eyed, Unkempt Scientist Proposes Eminently Practical Solution to E.Coli Outbreak
As trained vets methodically gun down yet more cute farmyard animals - this time at a petting farm near Exmouth - Britain's leading mad scientist, Doc Emmett Brown, has issued a stark warning to parents worried about the outbreak of E.Coli 0157.
"Animals are walking disease factories," he shrieked with authority. "Nothing less than a worldwide cull of all animal life will save your child from a potentially lethal dose of the squits."
"Animals are full of shit," added the white-haired expert, "And believe me, I know what I'm talking about."
He then grabbed a hammer, jumped into his customised deLorean and sped off into the distant past, leaving nothing but a pair of flaming tyre tracks to mark his desperate mission to save the human race from occasional attacks of the screaming shits by preventing life from ever evolving on Earth.
Not all microbiologists are as uncompromisingly radical as Doc Brown, however. Some argue that the petting of fish should still be allowed, as long as they are swimming in water containing at least a 75% concentration of Domestos. Others say that animal petting is perfectly safe, if the animals are covered in at least two inches of disinfectant gel at all times and children under five are made to wear space-suits.
Worried animal-loving parents, however, are faced with an agonising decision - whether to request a lethal injection for their faithful, docile pets or their awful, screaming brats.
"Animals are walking disease factories," he shrieked with authority. "Nothing less than a worldwide cull of all animal life will save your child from a potentially lethal dose of the squits."
"Animals are full of shit," added the white-haired expert, "And believe me, I know what I'm talking about."
He then grabbed a hammer, jumped into his customised deLorean and sped off into the distant past, leaving nothing but a pair of flaming tyre tracks to mark his desperate mission to save the human race from occasional attacks of the screaming shits by preventing life from ever evolving on Earth.
Not all microbiologists are as uncompromisingly radical as Doc Brown, however. Some argue that the petting of fish should still be allowed, as long as they are swimming in water containing at least a 75% concentration of Domestos. Others say that animal petting is perfectly safe, if the animals are covered in at least two inches of disinfectant gel at all times and children under five are made to wear space-suits.
Worried animal-loving parents, however, are faced with an agonising decision - whether to request a lethal injection for their faithful, docile pets or their awful, screaming brats.
Wednesday, 12 August 2009
Four Out Of Five Parents Think Babies Fell Out of Mummy's Bottom
Most parents are unable to tell their children the difference between an arse and an elbow, according to a poll published today.
Other scientific questions that leave parents scratching their genitals include "Where do babies come from?", "What makes a rainbow?" and "Well, is there anything you do know?"
More than half of the parents said they felt their children knew more about science than they did, largely because the image-obsessed self-absorption of their spawn compels them daily to absorb scientific terms like 'targeted dermahydration' and 'digestobogus uprectum' from infomercials for cosmetics and slimming products.
"When I was a little girl, the science of narcissism was in its infancy," admitted Ug, a mother of three. "When they stopped saying 'She isn't, she is, she's wearing Harmony hairspray' and suddenly started banging on about something called Ceramide R, I thought they were talking about motorbikes or something."
"And as for AHA complexes, I thought that meant you fancied Morten Harket," she added, as she knapped a new flint for her husband's spear. "I used to have a poster of him on the wall of my cave. He had a nice elbow."
Her reverie was interrupted by the arrival of her eight-year-old daughter from school.
"How does Botox work?" demanded little Harriet-Jo, stamping on the bone-strewn stones at her feet. "I want it. Now. Book me an appointment, peasant."
Meanwhile, researchers are trying to determine whether there is any correlation between parents who display more scientific knowledge than a blowfly and those who are old enough to have taken O-levels.
"I'm afraid it might take a while to work this out from the data available," apologised a spokesman for the Department for Business, Innovation and Skills. "Does anybody understand formulas in Excel?"
Other scientific questions that leave parents scratching their genitals include "Where do babies come from?", "What makes a rainbow?" and "Well, is there anything you do know?"
More than half of the parents said they felt their children knew more about science than they did, largely because the image-obsessed self-absorption of their spawn compels them daily to absorb scientific terms like 'targeted dermahydration' and 'digestobogus uprectum' from infomercials for cosmetics and slimming products.
"When I was a little girl, the science of narcissism was in its infancy," admitted Ug, a mother of three. "When they stopped saying 'She isn't, she is, she's wearing Harmony hairspray' and suddenly started banging on about something called Ceramide R, I thought they were talking about motorbikes or something."
"And as for AHA complexes, I thought that meant you fancied Morten Harket," she added, as she knapped a new flint for her husband's spear. "I used to have a poster of him on the wall of my cave. He had a nice elbow."
Her reverie was interrupted by the arrival of her eight-year-old daughter from school.
"How does Botox work?" demanded little Harriet-Jo, stamping on the bone-strewn stones at her feet. "I want it. Now. Book me an appointment, peasant."
Meanwhile, researchers are trying to determine whether there is any correlation between parents who display more scientific knowledge than a blowfly and those who are old enough to have taken O-levels.
"I'm afraid it might take a while to work this out from the data available," apologised a spokesman for the Department for Business, Innovation and Skills. "Does anybody understand formulas in Excel?"
Friday, 12 June 2009
Brown's Anatomy
The British public is as staggeringly ignorant of basic anatomy as it was 40 years ago, according to a study published today by King's College London.
When asked to point to their arse and elbow, most of the respondents pointed to Gordon Brown in both cases.
"This shows a very worrying lack of biological awareness," said lead researcher Dr Strangelove. "While Mr Brown may well be an enormous arse, he is not the public's arse as they never voted him in. And he will not get the elbow until the last possible moment."
The public also tended to mix up their heads and their hearts, he added.
"People's heads told them that the Tories are as bad as Labour when it comes to thieving from the public purse, doing favours for their rich business friends and ignoring the plight of ordinary people in the street," he explained. "But their hearts got in the way and told them to vote Tory anyway, just to annoy Mr Brown."
However, the public were not entirely ignorant of their body parts, as both men and women demonstrated by indicating the prime minister once more when asked to point to their genitals.
When asked to point to their arse and elbow, most of the respondents pointed to Gordon Brown in both cases.
"This shows a very worrying lack of biological awareness," said lead researcher Dr Strangelove. "While Mr Brown may well be an enormous arse, he is not the public's arse as they never voted him in. And he will not get the elbow until the last possible moment."
The public also tended to mix up their heads and their hearts, he added.
"People's heads told them that the Tories are as bad as Labour when it comes to thieving from the public purse, doing favours for their rich business friends and ignoring the plight of ordinary people in the street," he explained. "But their hearts got in the way and told them to vote Tory anyway, just to annoy Mr Brown."
However, the public were not entirely ignorant of their body parts, as both men and women demonstrated by indicating the prime minister once more when asked to point to their genitals.
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