Saturday, 27 November 2010

Miliband: ‘Knew Labour Could Recapture Middle Earth’

Mr Miliband is targeting the Shire vote
Launching a major review of Labour policy, Ed Miliband has declared his bold intention to retake the fictional realm of Middle Earth from the combined orc forces of David Cameron and Nick Clegg.

“I say we’ve got to move beyond New Labour,” Mr Miliband told his party’s National Policy Forum. “Why do I say we have to move beyond New Labour? Not because the New Labour approach was wrong, it was right in many ways, but because people are sick of hearing about New Labour. So let’s hear no talk of New Labour. We shall banish New Labour from our thoughts. Let us hear no more of New Labour.”

“Right, that’s enough about New Labour,” he went on cheerfully. “With New Labour out of the picture, we need to find some new Labour policies which don’t sound like Tory or LibDem policies, but which will resonate with the people in Middlemarch – because, let’s face it, they’re the only ones who can be bothered to vote.”

“So let’s get our brand new Labour thinking caps on and ask ourselves how we can reconnect with the squeezed middle-of-the-road,” he urged. “The next election is ours for the taking, if we can just get Jayne Middlemiss on board. Our message must be entirely new: “Labour has your best interests at heart, piggy in the middle.’ If you thought you knew Labour, take another look – because we’re all-new Labour here.”

TV Religion Debate Lost By Satan

Hmm... tough one
A televised debate in Canada on the topic of religion has resulted in a decisive win by atheist Christopher Hitchens against former British prime minister, Satan.

Satan - who surprised few in 2007 by publicly embracing Catholicism - opened the debate by claiming that faith was a force for good, and said it was “futile” to try to drive it out.

Mr Hitchens, however, pointed out that Satan was well-known to the entire world as the Father of Lies, and rested his case.

The Prince of Darkness fiendishly attempted to snare his opponent by suggesting that, simply by acknowledging his own unholy presence in the studio, he was accepting the truth of an eternal struggle for the souls of mankind by two opposing supernatural entities.

“Oh no you don’t,” retorted Mr Hitchens. “Any rational human being can see that behind that urbane grin lurks the unspeakable embodiment of evil incarnate, Tony Blair.”

Friday, 26 November 2010

‘Sorry, I Had This Essay To Finish,’ Says Fresher

Keep the noise down, chaps, I've got a hangover
First-year politics student Ed Miliband apologised to fellow students today for failing to turn up for Wednesday’s nationwide fees protest, claiming that he would certainly have offered his support but for an essay he had to finish.

“You know how it is with all these deadlines,” gushed the young School Of Navel Studies undergraduate, who was wearing his best new Che Guevara t-shirt. “I suddenly realised, shit, I had to get this essay handed in by nine this morning and I hadn’t even given it a second thought, so I got up really early on Wednesday morning - which was jolly hard, as the only morning lecture in my entire timetable is at eleven on a Friday! - took a couple of Pro Plus, went to swot up in the library and spent the afternoon typing it up.”

“The title we were given was: ‘The Unemployed Should Be Forced To Work. Discuss’,” he explained brightly. “It’s all about forcing all these bone-idle layabouts to get out of bed before lunchtime and do some proper bloody work in return for all the pots of money the taxpayer is handing them.”

“Look, I’m ever so sorry about missing the demo,” he added. “After all, one day I might be somebody really important, so I why should I have to pay thousands and thousands of pounds when it’s the country as a whole that benefits from my education?”

Fellow students are singularly unimpressed with Mr Miliband’s feeble excuses, however, pointing out that his essay bears an uncanny resemblance to a model answer posted on the internet by Westminster Business School postgraduate David Cameron.

Ofgem Wonders If Squeezing Monthly £65 Profit Out Of Customers, Then Raising Prices Might Be Something To Look Into

Those giraffes don't feed themselves, point out energy suppliers
Energy regulator Ofgem today announced that there might possibly be something not entirely scrupulous about the way in which, in the middle of a recession, energy companies have succeeded in yanking an average £90 net monthly profit out of each and every hard-pressed customer’s threadbare wallet in October, a 38% rise compared to the previous month’s modest mark-up of £65.

“By March 2011, by which time everyone will be either flat broke or frozen into an icicle, with a bit of luck we might be in a position to say whether companies are playing it straight with consumers,” yawned Ofgem chief executive Alistair Buchpasser sleepily, as he prepared for the regulator’s annual hibernation. "Greater transparency in the market is good for consumers, investors and for the energy industry as a whole. Right, time for bed. Wake us up in spring."

“We have nothing to hide,” commented Energy UK, the industry’s representative body, in a press release dropped in a FabergĂ© egg from its fabulously expensive flying island headquarters. “The gas our members supply is 100% transparent, just like the gas that Ofgem occasionally spouts – and, like Ofgem, electricity is a completely invisible force.”

“If there are any further questions,” they added, “We shall be dangling an unimaginably expensive length of rope, luxuriously woven from strands of the purest gold and platinum, for you to piss up as we float serenely by.”

Wednesday, 24 November 2010

Police Ready To Arrest Boiling Water

Oi, Trotsky! We've got you on film
A tense standoff is developing in a London police station’s canteen tonight between officers and water which they have poured into a kettle and placed on the stove.

“PC Savage was going about his duties at the water cooler this afternoon when, without warning, a few rogue elements suddenly decided to splash onto his newly-polished boots,” explained a police intelligence officer to eager journalists. “We responded to this act of provocation by immediately restraining the remaining water within a kettle, to prevent further unpleasant incidents from taking place.”

“We are currently observing the water by means of overhead surveillance, i.e. removing the top of the kettle and peering inside,” he added, “And it appears that the water is becoming more and more unruly by the minute. In fact, you can hear it from here.”

When asked why the kettle had been filled to the brim, ignoring the safety limit printed on the level indicator, he replied that the amount of water in the kettle was a matter for the officers in attendance to use their discretion, adding that if any water should rashly try to break out, it would be compelled to use the controlled environment of the kettle’s narrow spout, where PC Savage was keenly waiting in full riot gear to beat it senseless with his trusty daystick, ‘Masher’.

Nothing Going On In Rest Of World, Says Media

The world today
Chinese-supported North Korea’s sudden attack on its US-backed neighbour yesterday and the implied threat of World War Three notwithstanding, Britain’s media confirmed this evening that nothing at all of note had happened today in the minor part of the world that lies beyond the English Channel.

“The single most important thing in the world right now is this kettle,” whispered a tense journalist. “If it boils over, everything you take for granted will change for ever.”

Tuesday, 23 November 2010

Dublin’s Toddlers Already Signing Book Deals

Meet Dublin's new literary elite
Publishers are forming orderly queues along the banks of the Liffey today to sign up the Irish capital’s toddlers for lucrative book deals, in which Dublin’s under-threes will write bestselling feel-bad paperbacks about growing up in unimaginable poverty.

“Sure and we all thought them English were all set to corner the market,” smiled Mrs. O’Leary, who has already sold her washing machine and replaced it with a washboard and fearsome iron mangle, with which her children Niamh, 3, and Conal, 2, will be expected to injure themselves repeatedly. “But thank the Lord for granting us a crippling economic collapse.”

“Conal want Niamh to die of something really really bad,” shouted her cherubic son excitedly. “The Penguin man told me I can get a great big guilt trip out of that. What’s a sub text? He said I have to have one. I want lots and lots of them!”

“If I don’t die of measles or whooping cough ‘cos mummy can’t pay the doctor man,” explained bright-eyed Niamh, as her father flung her pink TV and her Disney DVDs into a skip, “My nice agent says I’ve got to have a baby when I’m 12, so mummy and daddy can call me the whore of Babylon and throw me into the gutter, which is in front of our house where the car doesn’t live any more.”

The advances received from major publishing houses are expected to cover the costs for Ireland’s few remaining schools to beat basic literacy skills into the nation’s aspiring authors, whereupon their schooling will be brought to an abrupt end and they will be handed over into Father Donnelly’s wandering hands for the obligatory heart-rending chapter on being touched up during preparations for their first communion.

“To be sure, I thought I’d be the last Irishmen ever to weave a jaw-droppingly grim page-turner about childhood deprivation,” grinned Mr. O’Leary – whose recently-issued memoirs, Me Mam’s Coughing Blood Again, are providing for the all-important years of brutal, Guinness-fuelled alcoholism necessary to complete his offspring’s nightmarish suffering – as he ripped out the bathroom fixtures to make room for a manky, wheezing horse. “Thank you, sweet baby Jesus, for raising up such a glorious bunch of bumbling wastrels to govern us.”

Internet Welcomes World War III

And yes, I feel fine
The entire internet is abuzz with gleeful panic over the surprise outbreak of the third and final world war on the Korean border this morning, with self-appointed experts cheerfully predicting nuclear Armageddon by midnight.

“Thanks to uploads of Fox Channel documentaries on YouTube, I have become a leading authority on ILLUMINATI-orchestrated geopolitics, the BILDERBERG-run military-industrial COMPLEX and the ZIONIST ELDERS who ORDERED Kim Jong-Il to start fucking WORLD WAR THREE by launching an ALL-OUT artillery strike on a small island held by South Korea,” blogged a man who has smoked cannabis for 20 years to cure the cancer he would certainly have caught off the deadly plastic his Pot Noodles come in, if he didn’t smoke cannabis regularly.

“It all makes sense if you’re SMART and track down all the SUPPRESSED sources of TRUTH that the GOVERNMENTS of the world are desperately shutting down EVEN AS WE SPEAK, the fuckers,” he added, above a huge screed of links to dozens of rabid conspiracy-theorist websites which share an endearing lack of basic layout skills.

“Obviously, this is the endgame which represents the culmination of every pothead’s wet dream of mass genocide - engineered by the multinational corporations through their willing puppet, the secret world government,” commented Xogg, an alien from the ninth dimension, as he parked his invisible scout-ship on the lawn of the White House. “I shall be happy to grant interviews later, in which I will tell those of you who are intelligent enough to listen how you can finally transcend your material existence, but first I have to deal with the evil lizard creature in there who appears to you in the skin of a black man.”

Meanwhile, top propagandists from the world’s Zionist-owned media have been clamouring for a comment from Trey Parker and Matt Stone, the world’s leading experts on North Korea.

The entire internet exploded later, after being filled to bursting with spectacularly ill-informed arse talk about China.

Monday, 22 November 2010

Osborne Gives Ireland £7bn To Go Away

Clutching his nose to prevent the stench of poverty from filling his nostrils, slum landlord George Osborne today handed the bankrupt Irish Republic £7bn to put its belongings in a supermarket trolley and get the hell out of his neighbourhood.

As the wretched pauper state began arguing loudly with itself, Mr Osborne put on a feeble air of false bonhomie, telling Ireland: “Yah, I’m feeling the pinch somewhat also, mate, I don’t mind telling you. With interest rates as they are, my little trust fund most certainly isn’t ticking along quite as I might wish.”
This is a decent neighbourhood, you know

“Look here, my man, I’m telling you this as a friend,” he added. “With this cash, which I made by kicking out some of my ghastly tenants and selling their furniture, you could start a splendid new life for yourself somewhere lovely and sunny like the Mediterranean, where I’m sure you’ll get along famously with Spain and Greece.”

“I’m awfully sorry, but frankly you’re making the whole area look frightfully shabby,” Mr Osborne called over his shoulder, as he returned to his condemned property overlooking the rubbish tip, next to the rusting gasometer.

Condoms Are Only Sanctified For Sex With Depraved Hellbound Blasphemies, Warns Vatican

The Pope has surprised many of his followers
The Catholic authorities are today seeking to downplay the Pope’s unexpected change of heart on the use of condoms, explaining that the “exceptional circumstances” cited in his announcement referred specifically and exclusively to situations in which practicing Catholics may find themselves required, within the context of their obligations to Christ, to fornicate for purely procreative purposes with an obscene, sinful homosexualist monstrosity who is assuredly damned to hell for all eternity.

“Or Father Donnelly, as some of you may know him,” explained a Vatican spokesman helpfully.

London Bishop Apologises For Calling Royal Couple Poncy Facking Slaags

Not so facking funny now, is it bishop?
The Bishop of Willesden Junction, Pete ‘The Scalpel’ Broadbent, today issued a formal apology for any offence he may inadvertently have caused by telling his faithful Facebook flock that Prince William and his radiant bride-to-be were “a right pair of poncy facking slaags what won’t last five minutes, gawd knock me bandy if it ain’t the truth”.

“When I said that Prince William came from ‘a notorious so-called femm’ly of compulsive shaggers wot just kin’t keep it in their traahsis’, that was merely a misguided attempt on my part to remind my brothers and sisters in Christ of the blessed sanctity of the God-given institution of holy matrimony, innit,” stammered the black-eyed bishop, as he searched for missing teeth on the steps of his palace.

“Similarly, in stating that our glorious Queen, in whom God is most pleased, and her illustrious descendants ‘owed us bladdy pots and it’s collection time, know what I mean?’ I was merely making a pathetically wrong-headed effort to clarify the silly egalitarian views which I held until early this afternoon,” he mumbled through a split lip, “When Prince Philip turned up unannounced with the boys in blue from the Royal Protection Squad for a spot of Bible study.”

Sunday, 21 November 2010

BNP Appalled By Prospect Of Giant Polish Christ

BNP leader Nick Angriff today issued a stern warning to the people of Britain about the nightmarish possibility that the 33m statue of Jesus unveiled today in Swiebodzin, Poland could soon acquire a similarly oversized bicycle and turn up in the UK looking for work.

MC 900ft Jesus
“This is the biggest Christ in the world, and He’s Polish,” shuddered Mr Angriff. “Our traditional British Christs are typically modest affairs, and wouldn’t be able to compete with a giant Polish Saviour. Only Rio de Janeiro has a Christ in this class, and He wouldn’t dare come here because He knows very well that the police here would shoot Him on sight.”

“Before you know it, there’ll be queues of decent, hardworking British Christs filling every Jobcentre in the land,” he seethed.

Mr Angriff urged patriotic British subjects to build and burn giant wicker men at every ferryport, in the hope that these will discourage the Polish Son of God for long enough to complete negotiations with the Japanese for the loan of Godzilla - who would stand astride the Channel Islands and roar his primal challenge across Europe to the Polish Jesus for a fight to the death.

“Even if Godzilla is defeated, his epic battle would buy enough time for our loyal American allies to ship the Statue of Liberty over on an aircraft carrier,” opined Mr Angriff. “Then, while this immigrant Jesus is busy healing Himself, she can ram her torch where the Son doesn’t shine.”