Saturday, 16 April 2011

Despicable Gaddafi Stoops To Firing Exploding Kittens Into Rebel-Held Territory

Run like fuck
Colonel Gaddafi is such a bastard that he has now resorted to stuffing nitroglycerine-laced kittens into a tube and firing them out of mortars, insisted a photojournalist who also happens to be a munitions expert. The twisted tyrant’s last defiant hope is that the dazed, piteously mewing kittens will be picked up by tender-hearted rebel children, only to explode murderously when cuddled.

“This use of banned pet-based munitions shows the world exactly what a sick fuck Gaddafi is,” said Human Rights Watch, one of whose photographers saw three mortar shells burst in the air and drew the only possible conclusion.

“You know, I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if this were God’s own truth,” said a NATO spokesman. “In fact, we wouldn’t put it past Gaddafi to put tiny mustard-gas canisters inside Kinder Surprises and cynically catapult them into rebel-held playgrounds. He really is a shit, and this is exactly why we are so keen to interpret UN Resolution 1973 as some sort of mandate for regime change.”

He went on to explain that there is no way that what the photographer saw could have been nothing more sinister than normal air-burst mortar shells exploding over the heads of enemy forces through the use of a simple time fuse, which – according to a few hundred thousand sources - have been widely used since the First World War.

“My word, what an active imagination you’ve got,” he laughed scornfully. “No, it can only be clusterkittens. Anything else is pure science fiction.”

Friday, 15 April 2011

MoD Insists £126m Each For 160 Cold War Fighters Is Excellent Use Of Bankrupt Nation’s Overdraft

The Public Accounts Committee’s doubts about the £20bn cost of 160 Typhoon fighters - designed in the 80s for the sole purpose of rushing RAF officers into the stratosphere to wave at ancient Soviet reconnaissance bombers – were met with open-mouthed incredulity at the Ministry of Defence today.

“The Typhoon is proving its value in Libya even as I speak, where every day our plucky flyboys are getting closer to working out which of the blips its radar positively identifies as a stonking great Russian bomber is actually one of Gaddafi’s rusty tanks and which is just some chicken-farmer feeding his hens,” insisted defence secretary Dr Liam Fox. “Well, that’s what they do when there’s enough string to stop all the important bits falling off, anyway.”

If it ends the fear of Zeppelins, it's worth every penny
Meanwhile, potential overseas buyers were having huge fun watching the £126m interceptors to see if they can carry out ground-attack missions half as well as the far cheaper multi-role F-16s the Americans sold them 30 years ago.

Defence experts are wondering what the PAC will have to say when it finds out about the MoD’s other pet projects which are running late and over budget, such as Nellie the self-propelled trench excavator, the Pemberton-Billing anti-Zeppelin quadruplane and Champion the robo-horse.

BBC Schedules ‘An Open Invitation To Suicide’, Claim Right-To-Life Campaigners

Nobody should have to endure years of this
The pro-life lobby has slammed the BBC for “acting like a cheerleader” for suicide, claiming that a relentless diet of EastEnders, Holby City and Bruce Forsyth’s big pointy chin are open invitations to its suffering viewers to take their own lives while they still retain some last vestige of dignity.

“Where is the balance, offering some faint glimmer of hope to the BBC’s paralysed audiences?” demanded Dr Peter Saunders, chief moraliser of charity Care Not Killing. “Brian Cox? Don’t make me laugh.”

Thursday, 14 April 2011

Cameron Reduced To Tears By Bruising Rebuke From Vince Cable

This is frankly intolerable
Prime minister David Cameron was left quaking in his boots today, after he received a scathing attack from nimble-footed LibDem minister of paperclips Vince Cable over the mildly controversial ”Bloody pakis - don’t you just hate ‘em?” speech he is due to deliver.

“It’s all very well saying that there are far too many immigrants in this country and blaming it on the reluctance of their white masters to take up offers of jobs they think are far too much like hard work,” said a clearly aggrieved Mr Cable. “But if he cuts immigration to a trickle, as he’s proposing, is he quite, quite sure there will be enough white British surgeons to go round?”

On receiving the powerful LibDem minister’s scornful verbal barrage, Mr Cameron burst into tears, ran away and hid in a cupboard, refusing to come out until Nick Clegg promised to put Mr Cable’s muzzle back on.

A spokesman for Number Ten later denied that Mr Cameron’s divisive speech was mere vote-chasing with a cynical eye on next month’s council elections.

“No, he’s a patronising bigot and shameless opportunist all the time,” he insisted.

OFT To Re-Examine Extended Warranties Now That All Electrical Items Break on 366th Day

As inevitable as night following day
The Office of Fair trading today announced that it would be reinvestigating the extended warranty market, after noticing that everything that runs on electricity is now manufactured in China with an inbuilt self-destruct mechanism which kicks in on the day after the normal guarantee expires.

“We introduced legislation in 2005, forcing shops to make it clear to customers that these extended warranties were actually a super-expensive ticket for a lottery, in which you fervently pray that your toaster will explode,” said the OFT’s Claudia Berk. “We looked at the market again in 2008, and found that the average member of the public’s understanding of the laws of probability meant quite a lot of them were still cheerfully handing over enormous sums of money, in the hope that some dullard who left school at 16 with a ‘stiffcut’ will poke about randomly inside their valuable electrical purchases with a soldering iron and a pair of garden shears and bash the naughtiness out of it again.”

However, since 2008 the number of shoddy electrical goods which really do contain designed-in naughtiness has risen to 100%, she added, meaning that a £150 extended warranty for a £300 laptop might, incredibly, now actually offer something approaching value for money.

MG: An Apology

Irate MG enthusiasts bombarded the Nev Filter’s switchboard yesterday to complain about the less-than-reverential coverage of the launch of the exciting new MG6, pointing out that the car-shaped blob is in fact a worthy inheritor of the racy, high-performance reputation of a proud British marque of champions.

The Nev Filter would like to apologise for any inaccuracies in yesterday’s report, and is happy to present a nostalgic pictorial tribute to MG’s illustrious heritage.
1984: The tyre-scorching MG Montego came with a factory-fitted 'Turbo' transfer
1983: The sleek lines of the MG Maestro included a go-faster stripe as standard equipment
1964: The powerful MG 1300 left Ferrari engineers scratching their heads in amazement
1948: The muscular MG Arab III turned heads in the high street with its sporty wire wheels

Wednesday, 13 April 2011

Liverpool’s Kamikaze Squad Shouts Final Banzais For Emperor Nikuregu

May 5th could be full of flaming Zeroes
Six of Liverpool’s LibDem councillors have publicly distanced themselves from their leader, Wa Ren Bradley – who yesterday urged the divine Emperor Nikuregu to take an active role in politics for once and formally dissolve the coalition with the Conservatives, or bring down national annihilation – tearfully professing their earnest, if tragically misguided, desire to prove their loyalty by falling poetically like the cherry blossom on May 5th.

“Wa Ren is a creature without honour,” they proclaimed dutifully as, with futile hopes for their eventual rebirth, they strapped on their traditional thousand vote lucky-charm belts. “It is our proud and sacred destiny to sacrifice our seats for the god-emperor Nikuregu.”

“Banzai!” they sobbed as they set off towards their waiting zeroes.

Their dying wish is to hurl themselves at a promising Labour target, plummeting desperately down the polls in the remote hope of taking at least one of their bitterest enemies to the bottom with them.

Labour campaigners, however, expressed a horrified scorn for the councillors’ meaningless self-immolation.

“Those deluded yellow bastards are such easy targets,” said one grizzled veteran. “This is going to be a real turkey shoot.”

“In more ways than one,” he added.

MG Proudly Restarts Production With Some Sort Of Car

Much-missed legendary British marque MG is hoping to create a new army of aficionados - restarting manufacture at its Longbridge plant, after a 16-year hiatus, with a blob which looks very much like a car of some sort.

Well, it certainly seems car-shaped
MG’s owners, Shanghai Automotive Industry Corporation And Takeaway, have spent years studying what a car looks like, and believe they have at last cracked the elusive formula with the MG6. Leading motoring journalists are already saying that the blob does indeed strongly resemble a car.

MG’s Guy Jones was keen to stress that, although the anodyne lump of metal is bolted together exclusively from other lumps of metal made in China, it was nevertheless 100% designed in Britain – being apparently under the apprehension that inheriting the mantle of the Sinclair C5 and step-in baths is some sort of irresistible lure to more than just the BNP.

Other Shanghai Auto executives, however, put more emphasis on the inclusion of today’s must-have features like doors, wheels and a top speed – confidently predicting that, for people who sort of like cars, this is definitely the sort of car they will sort of like.

Tuesday, 12 April 2011

Low Food Prices Send Inflation Tumbling, and other stories

The ONS has created a fantasy world where this is affordable
The Office for National Statistics made its literary debut today, with the publication of a welcome collection of short works of fiction which takes its name from the first story, ‘Low Food Prices Send Inflation Tumbling’.

The eponymous tale focuses on an anonymous junior civil servant’s increasingly desperate and comical attempts to discover the location of the fabled supermarket where a loaf of bread doesn’t go up a penny a day, whilst being pursued by an ever-growing Kafkaesque horde of newspaper editors, government ministers and Bank of England officials.

Expert storyteller Nick Clegg has already hailed the collection as a masterpiece.

“The extraordinary achievement of this first-time author is that it all seems so plausible that you almost - almost - end up believing that the Consumer Price Index really has fallen from 4.4% to 4%,” he acknowledged, “Even though, of course, we all know it can’t possibly be true.”

Other acclaimed tales in the collection are as fantastically imaginative as the first, including such bizarrely tempting titles as ‘Enterprise Zones End The Misery Of Unemployment’, ‘Mr Osborne Helps The Low-Paid’ and ‘How To Get By After An Atos Medical On £0 A Day’.

God Gives Nicholas Cage His Comic Back

The sacred text was thought lost forever
Christians all over the world gave thanks to God for his mercy, after the Almighty eschewed more hackneyed forms of intervention in human affairs - such as stopping the Fukushima reactor leaks or smiting Colonel Gadaffi with boils - and saw fit instead to reunite grieving spoon-faced actor Nicholas Cage with his treasured Superman comic.

The big-nosed Hollywood star humbly thanked “divine providence” after the Lord guided godfearing detective Don Hrycyk of the Los Angeles Police Department’s art theft unit to a storage locker in San Fernando valley, where the inspirational 1938 first issue of Action Comics – a Cage family heirloom worth $1.5m - was hidden after being spirited out of the action hero’s home by Satan’s little wizards.

Tragically, for the last eleven years Mr Cage’s son Kal-El has been forced to grow up in complete ignorance of his true heritage.

Devoted followers of the Lord are now hoping that He will follow his touching act of kindness with other life-enhancing miracles, such as causing all the Korans in the world to spontaneously burst into flame, or bestowing upon Sarah Palin the gift of her native tongue.

Monday, 11 April 2011

What Would I Know About The Global Economy? Wails Longest-Serving Chancellor Of The Exchequer

Mr Brown spent ten years at the Treasury like this
Former prime minister Gordon Brown today issued an uncharacteristic apology for his pathetic inability to regulate the wild excesses of a banking industry which contributed so much to the worst worldwide recession in generations, but excused himself by pointing out that - as Britain’s longest-serving head of a Treasury chock-full of leading experts on banking and economics – nobody could reasonably have expected him to grasp the first inkling of how banks do business.

“I’m just an average wee chappie with a PhD in History, so obviously I haven’t got a clue about all that mumbo-jumbo about shares and bonds and whatnot,” Mr Brown told the Institute for New Economic Thinking's annual conference in New Hampshire, to the chagrin of conference organisers who paid him a large fee under the impression that he did. “All I know about banks is what I see in the adverts. To be honest, I didn’t even know that Abbey National was bought by Santander. That must be why they disappeared from the high street - I’d been wondering about that.”

“And I thought Lloyds ran the trains in the Channel Tunnel,” he added, to gales of laughter.

“You know, you’d think - with half the Treasury consisting of civil servants who’d been on lengthy secondments to the City and the other half being bankers on secondment to the Treasury - somebody there might have had some notion of just how much the banks were all mortgaged to each other. But no, apparently not,” insisted the man who was responsible for the economy for ten years.

“When I was setting up the Financial Services Authority, I did send a memo round asking if anyone could explain the basics to me,” he went on, as delegates rolled helplessly in the aisles. “But when I chased it up people just coughed, looked at their shoes and told me it was all completely straightforward and the worst that could conceivably happen might be one of the smaller banks being swallowed up if a huge sinkhole were to suddenly open up in Central London.”

“Tell me, was I so wrong that to be trusting?” pleaded Mr Brown, to rapturous applause.

“That Ricky Gervais charatcer, he kills me,” said one guffawing economist, wiping a tear from his eye. “At first you think he’s actually being serious. Gotta hand it to you British, you guys are shit hot at parody.”

‘We Absolutely Did Not Capture Gbagbo, Massa,’ Insists Blacked-Up French Commando

France's elite forces were all picking cotton at the time
French special forces played no part whatsoever in the surprise seizure of Ivorian president Laurent Gbagbo, according to a shoeshine-covered French officer in top hat and tails, as he twirled a cane and danced with leggy showgirls to the tune of ‘Camptown Races’ inside the UN headquarters in Abidjan.

“Yassum boss, ah’s a-tellin’ yuh, us Frenchies wun’t nowheres near dat t’ing, no suh!” he explained to sceptical reporters, theatrically rolling his eyes and strutting up and down in his gaily-striped trousers as a platoon of similarly-attired French commandos pushed a confused-looking Mr Gbagbo onstage, flexing their elbows and knees comically as they doffed their toppers.

“Dey native nigga-boys, dey’s a-doin’ it aal bah deyselfs, yes sirree, ain’ dat de troof?” he implored, picking up a strategically-placed banjo and strumming away contentedly.

“Hallelujah!” chorused his troops, waving their pink-palmed hands furiously.

“’Cos if de UN done asked dey Frenchies to take out de bad ole sambo heah, dat be lookin’ like doin’ mo’ dan just de peacekeepin’ work o’ de Lawd, hush mah mouth!” he added solemnly.

“Why, dat be lookin’ mighty like de bad ole days o’ colonialism,” he continued, as he booted Mr Gbagbo offstage into the midst of an appreciative audience of Alassane Ouattara supporters. “Ain’t nobody doin’ dat racist ol’ routine no mo’, praise de Lawd.”

Sunday, 10 April 2011

Great Naked Emperor Britain Vows To Bankrupt Little Boy From Iceland

Clearly worth every penny
A furious Emperor Britain shook his fist today at the cheeky little Icelandic boy who has, once again, inconveniently pointed out to the whole world that all the Mighty Emperors in the world are strutting about without so much as a fig-leaf to cover their fiscal embarrassment.

“Look, everyone – can’t you see the emperor’s bollocks?” yelled the impudent young islander, as he stubbornly refused a second invitation to see – as every sensible grown-up agrees – that each and every citizen is naturally obliged to spend the rest of their lives paying for the ruinous schemes of a small number of greedy, conniving tailors.

Dressed in his most illustrious robes of majestic dignity, a fuming Emperor Britain instructed his Lord High Chancellor to issue a writ against the irresponsible little twerp. The courts are expected to force young master Iceland to live out his days in penury - paying for the hugely expensive clothes which everybody else insists are not only of breathtaking richness, but absolutely necessary for the dignified conduct of the world’s affairs.

“Just because this tiresome little boy from the back end of nowhere has had a bit of an education and reads a lot, that hardly qualifies him to tell people who are much bigger and older than he is that the glorious robes of economic intervention don’t exist,” snapped a leading herald, speaking for the entire community. “If these marvellous robes of capitalism simply aren’t there, how come everybody but one little child is convinced they are absolutely real? Are we all complete idiots?”