Saturday, 16 January 2010

End Of Recession In Sight As Unemployment Falls By One

Britain's leading soothsayers and clairvoyants are hoping that the nation's crippled economy has finally turned a corner, with the stirring news that unemployment in the UK fell by one last month.

Sir Fred Goodwin, a victim of the recession who lost his job at Royal Bank of Scotland last year, leaving him with only a meagre £700,000-a-year pension to live on, finally found work with architects RMJM just before Christmas. The job is understood to pay more than the national minimum wage.

"It's a bit of a career change for Sir Fred, to say the least," said his line manager at RMJM, chief executive Peter Morrison. "But he has transferable skills which we believe we can put to good use in the high-pressure world of corporate architectural design, such as the ability to brazenly demand extravagant sums of money without blinking."

"And, of course, he has a very nice suit," he added. "That's what impressed us most at the interview."

Brown Stokes Middle Class Fears About Tories' Stalinist Agenda

In his first major speech of the new year, proudly middle-class prime minister Gordon Brown warned Middle England that the sinister Conservatives were planning to implement a socialist agenda, the like of which has not been seen since the fall of communism a generation ago.

Addressing the Fabian Society, which was instrumental in founding the Labour movement a million years ago, Mr Brown spelled out the depth of hard-line socialism which now permeates Conservative thinking: "They have said that if you are middle class, you should not expect that children's centres will be available to you. That if you are middle class, child tax credits should not be available to you. That if you are middle class, there will be no child trust fund available to you. And so the Tories have planned a raid on the quality of life of our middle class. They want to take away middle class guarantees. And they have no account of future middle class jobs.

"It is only Labour - the party of those who help themselves - that offers a manifesto for the middle," he concluded, to rousing cheers from his speechwriter, Lady Thatcher. "Only Labour that owns the progressive centre ground."

When asked by the unquiet soul of Fabian Society founder George Bernard Shaw what he proposed to do to ease the plight of the working classes and the unemployed, Mr Brown explained his party's core beliefs in a simple but profound message: "Fuck 'em."

Friday, 15 January 2010

Tears Of Joy At Newsdesks As Haiti Earthquake's Missing British Angle Finally Located

The faraway Haitian earthquake suddenly became a matter of paramount importance today, as thousands of frantically-digging journalists finally succeeded in unearthing a story about a missing Briton amid the appalling mass of jumbled detritus about uninteresting foreign paupers.

Although the Red Cross estimates that 50,000 unimportant black people have died in the disaster, with millions injured, orphaned or made homeless, the full scale of the unimaginable human tragedy was brought home to the front pages by the discovery that UN worker Ann Barnes has not been seen since Tuesday.

On hearing the awful news, prime minister Gordon Brown immediately swung into action by urging the world to send urgently-needed troops and supplies that could be used to find the missing British passport holder.

Meanwhile, the UK newspaper industry is generously donating thousands of tons of newsprint over the all-important next few days, to ensure that the British angle on the story does not die.

Meanwhile, in the United States, a concerned public is anxiously waiting for Hollywood's leading actors to appear on TV asking it for donations.

Revolutionary Old Handheld Gadgets May Transform The Classroom Of Tomorrow

Several revolutionary old classroom devices have been launched at the BETT 2010 education trade show, which experts hope will revolutionise teaching methods in the 21st century.

The hit of the show, which is astounding teachers with its user-friendly interface and sheer quantity of information, is a small, hand-held gadget which its manufacturers are calling a 'Book'. Unlike traditional teaching methods such as Wikipedia, a 'Book' only covers one topic - which means that each student may require several Books a year, leading to some concern over costs. Nevertheless, its supporters claim that the Book has a hard-to-quantify feature known as 'depth' built-in, through the inclusion of an unprecedented number of quantum information units known as 'Words'.

It also requires no power source, and is reusable - an attractive extra for head teachers, as they seek to extol their school's green credentials to concerned middle-class parents.

The other radical old technology unveiled at the fair is a pocket-sized unit called a 'Pen'. With its attractive design resembling the stylus supplied with some upmarket mobile phones, this 'Pen' enables students to effectively become their own printer, allowing them to output both text and images onto paper - which can either be stored in 'Files' which cleverly mimic the storage systems found on computers, or written directly to a self-contained ultra-thin portable storage device known to its proud designers as an 'Exercise Book'.

A potential downfall, however, is that users must learn how to hold the 'Pen' in a particular way in order to use it to its full potential.

"I don't know about this old-fangled stuff," admitted one baffled head at the show. "It's going to require a whole old set of skills we never learned in our post-graduate teacher training."

Thursday, 14 January 2010

Labour Minister Pledges To End Scourge of Prejudice Against Chavscum and Fat Cat Bankers Forever

Communities secretary John Denseham sensationally brought down the old barriers dividing rich and poor today, with a heartwarming speech in which he declared the battle against racism officially over and announced Labour's ground-breaking, vote-catching plans to eradicate discrimination against chavs and bankers forever.

"Every darky in Britain kin naa fack orf back to woreva they cam frum an' let aw them uvva terrorist canniboes in their tribes know that racial discrimination in Britain is a fing uv the past so dan't bovver camin' over 'ere to fight it no maw innit," he declared, to cheers from all parties.

Mr Denseham then went on to announce that the biggest threat to harmony in Britain today was the age-old iniquity of class prejudice.

"Them middle-class wankas, they hates aw you poor hardworkin' white doleys on yer cancel estates, wiv ya Burberry clogs an' ya six nippas an' ya K-reg Astras wiv da fackorf big twin exorst an' the full body kit," he warned as he launched a review on race policy which is expected to report just in time for the election. "We'll look aht faw ya, naa giz ya votes."

Quickly whipping off his hoody top to reveal an Armani suit, Mr Denseham continued: "And the same cruel injustice can be fairly said to apply, in equal measure, to the tiny, beleaguered banking community who have so enriched our lives whilst eking out a humble living for themselves on our shores. Middle England is, even as I speak, whipping itself up into a threnody of murderous hate - cynically orchestrated by odious, scaremongering rags such as the Guardian and the Independent."

"Now, if you wouldn't mind reaching for your shareholders' wallets, we have the small matter of a £50m election campaign to bankroll," he added.

Brown Strangely Unwilling To Slavishly Follow America For Once

Prime minister Gordon Brown has bravely shown that he is nobody's poodle, by steadfastly refusing to meekly fall in line with US government policy on punitive taxation of the banking sector and aid to earthquake-hit Haiti.

Mr Brown issued a deliberate snub to Washington today, by pointedly refusing to mirror President Obama's promise to Wall Street that it would be hit with punitive taxation until US citizens received back every last cent of the $430bn ploughed into the Troubled Asset Relief Program.

Instead, the PM reiterated his warning that, if threatened with even a penny in the pound in additional taxation, the money-men would up sticks, shake the dust of the City of London from their feet and take their invaluable expertise with them to some rival financial centre such as Wall Street.

Meanwhile, as the US president swiftly pledged $100m in immediate aid to the flattened Caribbean nation of Haiti - along with the instant deployment of 5,000 troops plus ships, helicopters, planes and a floating hospital to help with rescue efforts - Mr Brown fearlessly demonstrated his new-found independence from Washington by pulling a paltry £6m in loose change out of his back pocket, chucking it in a charity collecting tin and asking the British people to spare a few coppers too.

Wednesday, 13 January 2010

Diplomatic Row Now Threatening Stability of Entire Trouser Region

The diplomatic stand-off between Middle East allies Israel and Turkey escalated today, after the Israeli ambassador was summoned to the Turkish foreign ministry and given a Chinese burn until he agreed to pedal up and down in front of jeering onlookers on a children's toy tricycle for an hour.

The humiliating demand is the Turkish government's response to Israel's treatment of its own ambassador, Oguz Celikkol, yesterday. After being asked to offer his government's thoughts on how a Turkish TV series depicting Israeli secret agents as evil child-snatchers might foster a deeper understanding between Muslims and Jews, the Turkish ambassador to Jerusalem was - in an unprecedentedly flagrant breach of international protocol - made to sit on a lowly comfortable sofa before the TV cameras of the world.

"Our evil allies, the dirty Jewish race, deliberately snubbed us in the eyes of the world by not giving our representative the highest seat in the room," explained furious Turkish president Abdullah Gul Dukat. "As our friends, they know very well that only a tennis umpire's chair provides the appropriate height from which we can look down with disdain on their sub-human faces."

The Knesset is holding a special session this evening to register its anger over the latest tricycle outrage, with some parties calling for Mr Celikkol to be forced to walk to work tomorrow morning with his trousers around his ankles, clutching a variety of useless household items.

Meanwhile, Palestinian president Mahmoud Abbas urged both sides to take as long as they need to reach an amicable end to their disagreement.

"Don't mind us," he said, speaking on behalf of the 3.8m occupants of the Palestinian Territories. "You just concentrate on getting the serious issues sorted out, OK?"

Big-Hearted Celebrities Alert World To Unreported Earthquake Disaster

The scale of the devastation left by the huge earthquake that flattened much of Haiti yesterday is now becoming clear, thanks to the selfless tweeting of Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Ben Stiller and that one out of Coldplay.

"many ppl just dont relise just how like HARROWING it can be for a schol full of cute little black children to get a ceiling on their heads!!!!!!!" said Hilton after her heroic 30-second effort. "hopefully ive like changed all that lol"

Lohan - who appeared on British TV screens over Christmas in Herbie: Fully Loaded - stirred her army of Twats into action with this deeply moving appeal: "omg ive just relised none of those hiatons had stunt doubles!!! shit guys this is 4 REAL hic"

Meanwhile, the Coldplay man took valuable time out from overseeing the hollowing-out of Exmoor to make the perfect home studio to remind people that he was a really caring sort of feelgood kind of guy who had actually been to Haiti once to give Oxfam the kind of valuable publicity that only a respected celebrity singer-songwriter can provide.

"People there live in these really cool shacks," he told his concerned fans. "It's really ethnic, but unfortunately the structural integrity of their authentic shanty dwellings may have left something to be desired in the face of a scale 7.2 earthquake. Go on, pop a quid in a tin, you'll feel so much better. I know I did."

Dazed Haitian survivors took time out from scrabbling frantically through the wreckage of Port-au-Prince for their families' mangled remains to express their tears of gratitude at the unprecedented amount of OMGs they were receiving.

Tuesday, 12 January 2010

Sad Loners Yet To Be Convinced About Desirability of Conversationally-Demanding Sex Doll

Middle-aged singletons have reacted with screams of horror to the unveiling of a sex doll which forces its emotionally-stunted owners to engage in tiresome conversation as they wash out its soiled orifices.

Raven-haired Roxxxy - whose dead-eyed rubber face also bears an unnecessary resemblance to Catherine Tate - was unleashed on the world at the AVN wankfest in Las Vegas by deeply-misguided developers TrueCompanion.

"She's a companion. She has a personality. She hears you. She listens to you. She speaks. She feels your touch. She goes to sleep. She costs 7000 bucks," said tragically wrong-headed company president Douglas Hines.

"Sex only goes so far," added the balding middle-aged nerd, bursting with misplaced pride. "Then you want to be able to talk to the person."

"No I don't," sobbed a spokesman from the sexual frustration community. "If I wanted to fuck a Furby, I'd have bought one."

Government Commits Snowbound Nation To Unwinnable War on Weather

In a disturbing escalation of the current crisis, Cobra - the government's emergency committee - met this morning to coordinate Britain's response to the Arctic conditions which are still gripping the ice-stricken nation.

"Make no mistake," said a more than usually grim-faced Gordon Brown, "Western civilisation is engaged in a war on weather, which must be won at all costs. Using powers granted to me by myself while you were busy watching reality shows, I have passed emergency laws to impose draconian restrictions on the possession and deployment of salt, until our leading scientists have found out more about this mysterious new substance and where it comes from. I faithfully promise that this country will not be held to ransom by evil foreign threats to turn off the salt tap."

Much of Britain's shivering population is now reduced to scattering crisps along the pavement leading to the corner shop, in the desperate quest for one more loaf of bread to add to the two dozen already growing mould in the cupboard.

Monday, 11 January 2010

Prime Minister Who: 'I Don't Want To Go'

In an interview with Prime Minister Who Magazine, Gordon Brown has given his backing to David Tennant as the Doctor.

"I would rather have a Doctor who looks good in a suit than a Doctor who looks like his mum's dressed him up for his first Young Farmers' Ball in Taunton," he said as he sat in his untidy bedroom, adding: "I think Matt Smith is a terrifying prospect."

Told that Prime Minister Who was not a fan of his, Matt Smith laughed: "Well, that's a pity, but there we are."

Mr Brown - famous for bringing his trademark brooding dourness to the title rôle of Prime Minister Who since 2007 - is due to be replaced in a few months by fresh-faced young English child actor David Cameron, who is said to be looking forward to capering off around the universe with madcap abandon.

Once Upon A Time In Edinburgh

Half of all shoplifting in the UK is controlled by the notorious Scottish mafia, a BBC investigation has found.

With shoplifting offences up by almost 20% over the past year, costing retailers close to £5bn, police have so far failed in their attempts to infiltrate the notorious McGovern syndicate. Even Scotland's top gangbuster, the celebrated Eliot the Loch Ness Monster, has been unable to crack the case.

"Och, ah'm a respectable businessman, d'ye no ken?" grinned barely-comprehensible clan head Don Vito McGovern, surrounded by cheap t-shirts, assorted multipack tins of lager and various small items of confectionery in his opulent penthouse tenement in Leith's glamorous downtown Fort House estate.

One of the BBC reporters was taken off the investigation for his own safety, after coming home to find a voice-changing Cyberman head placed threateningly on his bed.

"There was packaging everywhere," said the team's producer. "The BBC logo had been completely obliterated by a marker pen. The message was unmistakeable: back off, or we will destroy your lucrative tie-in profits."

Sunday, 10 January 2010

Afghanistan War Escalates As British Journalist Death Toll Passes The 1 Mark

As British journo fatalities in Afghanistan passed the psychologically-important landmark figure of 1 today with the death of Sunday Mirror war correspondent Rupert Hamer, Britain's top editors firmly rejected calls from some quarters to bring our hacks home.

"Rupert's tragic death highlights the terrible risks our brave hacks and hackettes routinely face every single day that they're not embedded in a Kabul hotel lounge, cutting and pasting an army press release and fearlessly adding their byline," said Sunday Mirror editor Tina Weaver from her plush London office. "But this incident only stiffens our resolve to send out another 10,000 journos to churn out in-depth articles about the terrible risks our brave hacks and hackettes routinely face as they churn out a familiar stream of hackneyed clichés about the terrible risks our brave troops routinely face when occupying somebody else's country."

The heroic correspondent - who died when an Improvised Explosive Device (known to plain English specialists as a 'bomb') blew up beneath his vehicle as he was accompanying US troops on patrol - was affectionately known as 'Corporal Hamer' to Mirror desk-wallahs, and as 'another goddam liability' to the troops who were tasked with protecting him, as if they didn't have enough on their plates already.

"We're hoping that the good, patriotic people of Wootton Bassett OBE will make an extra-special effort when Rupert's remains are flown home and paraded through the streets in a coffin solemnly draped with a Sunday Mirror banner and any female C-list celebs we can get at short notice," added Ms Weaver. "And if Islam4UK want to call for a counter-march to highlight the number of deaths of Afghan journalists which have gone unreported, our inbox is always open for a good inflammatory story that makes people hate ordinary Muslims more."

Meanwhile, the Ministry of Defence has strongly criticised the media for issuing our brave hacks and hackettes with inadequate equipment, as it emerged that Mr Hamer's netbook was still running the obsolete Windows XP.

BNP Tribute To Dead Have-A-Go Hero Immigrant Not Expected Any Day Soon

Millions of casual racists are anxiously awaiting guidance from the BNP over the death of Indian Sikh immigrant Sukhwinder Singh, who was stabbed on Friday as he bravely gave chase to a pair of bag-snatchers in Barking.

All over England, racist brains have been seizing up in confusion since details of the incident were released.

"This plucky Paki bastard died a hero, trying to help a total stranger," wailed a shocked Dagenham bigot this morning. "I have absolutely no idea of how to react to that."

"Help me out here, Nick Griffin," he pleaded between sobs.

"Even though I reckon he ought to of been sent back to Pakistan along with the rest of them - obviously - all the same I got to admit I'm having strange feelings of admiration for this turban-wearing darky," moaned a pensioner in Stoke. "If the BNP don't tell me what to think soon, my head's going to explode."

Unconfirmed reports, however, suggest that Nick Griffin has been struck dumb by the dilemma, meaning that many ignorant racists face no end to their mental incapacitation.