Friday, 12 June 2009

Blears: A Sorry Excuse For A Labour MP

Ex-communities secretary Hazel Blears broke down in tears today and apologised unreservedly for everything she has ever done in her political career, apart from avoiding £80,000 in capital gains tax on the sale of two taxpayer-funded properties.

"The timing of my resignation on the cusp of the elections was an unfortunate error of judgment," said the Salford MP. "And in retrospect perhaps I shouldn't have appeared before the media wearing a badge reading 'rocking the boat'. But I honestly thought the press would have more important stories to cover than the rather trivial resignation of a cabinet minister on the eve of a key election. However, I'm gratified to see that you have learned your lesson, and are out in force to cover my abject, but well-timed, grovelling on the eve of a deselection meeting called by my constituency party."

"Speaking of which, I'd also like to apologise profusely for criticising Gordon Brown's efforts to connect with the younger generation via YouTube," she added, "And if he should choose to make another appearance on YouTube, telling my local party to stop blaming me for all these BNP victories up north, then I would be the first to applaud him as an innovative communicator."

When asked what had motivated the actions from which she was now distancing herself, Ms Blears told reporters that she may have been a bit emotional because she "had the painters in".

She refused to comment, however, on whether she had put their services on expenses.

Lifetime Achievement Award For Sixties Icon

The music industry has conferred one of its highest honours on a legendary sixties icon, with Mojo Magazine granting a lifetime achievement award to Marianne Faithfull's Mars Bar.

"The Mars Bar not only gave pleasure to Marianne Faithfull," respected political commentator Johnny Marr told reporters. "It was also a source of inspiration and energy to Mick Jagger."

Smelly old hippies have reacted angrily, however, saying that the Mars Bar was nothing but a minor celebrity which merely gained fame by hanging out with - and from - people with real talent.

Yoko Ono in particular has claimed that she has personally helped billions of people to work, rest and play - and that it was in fact her, and not the Mars Bar, which Mick Jagger was allegedly eating in a manner not endorsed by the manufacturers when police burst in to carry out a drugs bust.

Brown's Anatomy

The British public is as staggeringly ignorant of basic anatomy as it was 40 years ago, according to a study published today by King's College London.

When asked to point to their arse and elbow, most of the respondents pointed to Gordon Brown in both cases.

"This shows a very worrying lack of biological awareness," said lead researcher Dr Strangelove. "While Mr Brown may well be an enormous arse, he is not the public's arse as they never voted him in. And he will not get the elbow until the last possible moment."

The public also tended to mix up their heads and their hearts, he added.

"People's heads told them that the Tories are as bad as Labour when it comes to thieving from the public purse, doing favours for their rich business friends and ignoring the plight of ordinary people in the street," he explained. "But their hearts got in the way and told them to vote Tory anyway, just to annoy Mr Brown."

However, the public were not entirely ignorant of their body parts, as both men and women demonstrated by indicating the prime minister once more when asked to point to their genitals.

Thursday, 11 June 2009

Price To See You - To See You, Price

The whole of Britain has reacted with shock and sympathy to the news that Strictly Come Prancing host Bruce Forsyth may be bedridden for the rest of his life.

The announcement was made after it was suggested that the BBC may cut the 119-year-old veteran's salary from £900,000 to a paltry £400,000 in upcoming contract negotiations, prompting industry insiders to express their fears that Brucie could feel that the heavy workload of tottering about for a couple of hours while leering at Tess Daly is no longer worth his while.

"I wouldn't get out of bed for less than half a mill," said Vernon Kay, "And I don't have to use an expensive hoist. Brucie's a trouper, of course - he loves an audience almost as much as he loves himself - but he might just lose the will to live, and spend his twilight years staring obsessively at his own reflection on the ceiling, walls and floor of one of his many luxurious bedrooms."

The much-loved-by-himself star is only the latest to be reportedly facing a massive pay cut. Jeremy Clarkson is said to be aghast at the forbidding prospect of having to subsist on only 60% of his BBC salary, supplemented only by several hundred grand a year from News Corporation for ranting in the Sun and the Sunday Times and the occasional huge royalty cheque for his increasingly written-by-numbers books.

And Graham Norton is faced with the harrowing prospect of having to eat the sequins off his jacket in order to eke out his miserable existence.

"I know the public will be devastated to contemplate the stomach-churning impoverishment of their dearly-loved friends in the entertainment industry," said BBC director-general Mark Thompson. "But at the end of the day, somebody's got to cover the massive overheads of modern TV production techniques, such as moving the Casualty sets from Bristol down the road to Cardiff."

"How can I explain it in layman's terms?" he mused. "Basically, it all comes down to the simple fact that you should all be paying a damn sight more than £142.50 for quality programming like Strictly Come Prancing."

When Worlds Collide (revisited)

The world is going to die screaming in a world-shattering collision with the planet Venus, astronomers told the people of Earth yesterday.

"We put some numbers into the computer, and this came out," announced a white-faced Jacques Laskar of the Observatiore de Paris. "Fuck."

His tear-streaked colleague Mickael Gastineau explained - between long, shuddering sobs - that the newly-dreamed-up theory of orbital chaos postulated that mass planetary collisions would inevitably result if Mercury, the tiny innermost planet, should suddenly decide to up sticks and take an extended wander around the solar system for no readily apparent reason.

"If, or rather when, this happens, Jupiter - which is a very nervous planet composed entirely of gas and fear - will whizz round and round at tremendous speed," said Gastineau. "The Earth, being a dull, unimaginative sort of planet, will just continue blithely on its way - but Venus, which is very hot and bothered, will rush blindly towards Jupiter to see what all the fuss is about. Too bad for us if we happen to get in the way."

As the two planets approach, their atmospheres will be ripped away by unimaginable gravitic forces. The Earth's oceans will boil away into the vacuum, then the two worlds will be wracked by unprecedented earthquakes and volcanic eruptions, causing the moon to flee in panic. Finally, Venus will smash into the Earth at tremendous speed, rupturing the fragile mantles of both worlds and leaving nothing but a vast, expanding cloud of shattered rocks and metal which will in time become another sterile, lifeless asteroid belt.

Both researchers added that this would almost certainly result in a lot of deaths.

They also added that orbital chaos would not happen in less than 3.5 billion years, and that even then there would only be a one in 2500 chance of a collision involving the Earth - by which time mankind, if it survives at all, will have evolved into some kind of unrecognisable, acid-breathing, insectoid horror.

"But the important thing to remember is that you are all going to die," howled Laskar, as he loaded a single round into the chamber of a revolver, "And die horribly."

NASA scientists are working feverishly on plans to build a manned base of some sort on the dark side of the moon - possibly with somebody from Mission: Impossible in command, together with his wife - allowing perhaps 300 humans to escape and spend the rest of eternity wandering the farthest reaches of the cosmos, searching in vain for a new planet to bugger up. The Church of Scientology is expected to underwrite the costs of the project.

Wednesday, 10 June 2009

Rest of Britain Feels London's Pain

The millions of provincial Britons too dull and uninteresting to live in London were moved to tears by the unimaginable suffering of the capital's residents on this, the second day of the devastating Tube strike.

"Oi got no idear wot a choob be, but oi'm sure oi cuddent servoive a minute wi'out wun," said Mr Wurzel McSpreader, a bumptious legal executive from quaint, rustic Birmingham. "Oi sorr all they bootiful Lunnen fowks on the goggle-box down Currys when I brung me pig ter maarket. Them porr buggas wuz orl sobbin' an' wailin' at a bus stop, and me 'aart furr wen' owt to they."

London's fabulous citizens have been advised to plan their journeys and to allow extra time for travel by alternative means. Mayor Boris Johnson, meanwhile, claims to have discovered something called 'feet', which he believes could be used to travel for short distances, especially in Central London. Haggard Londoners, however, reacted to the suggestion with fury.

"See these?" screamed one hysterical traveller, pointing at her shoes. "They're Manolo Blahniks, damn you. I didn't spend £800 so they could be torn to shreds on these ugly, rough pavements. If Boris bloody Johnson wants me to walk, he can jolly well spend a bit of my council tax on carpeting South Kensington."

Shocked by such hardships, straw-sucking bumpkins from the sticks have been moved to organise fund-raising events, hoping to buy a horse and cart to send to the aid of their betters before they die of apoplexy, inconvenience and despair.

"Oi be orkshunnin' moi proize turnip, see?" said Mr Denzil Cesspit, from the sleepy hamlet of Manchester. "Rowl opp, rowl opp, oo'll gimme a groat fer this 'ere luvverly swede 'ere to 'elp they faancy buggers daarn sowf? C'maarn me luvvers, 'ave a 'arrt!"

Plymouth Now On Map

Plymothians - who have long been told by their councillors that their lives will be filled with unbounded joy when their remote city is finally "on the map" - are filled with expectation after Plymouth police arrested a female nursery worker in connection with child pornography.

"I switched on the news yesterday evening, and there was Plymouth, on screen, on a map," said a delighted local this morning. "This woman has done what a wonky shopping mall, several half-empty luxury apartment buildings on the waterfront and a distinctly average university have failed to do. Now everyone in Britain knows where we are, and probably even further afield too. Now we can all sit back and wait for the glory days to begin."

Others in the south-west city were less optimistic, however.

"I thought we'd be in clover last year, when Plymouth made national headlines for a group of parents encouraging their toddlers to beat the living shit out of each other on camera," said a resident of Swilly. "We were on a map then, too - but after all the hoo-hah died down, it didn't actually attract any real investment. I don't know, perhaps there may be more to regenerating a failing, bankrupt city than just being on a map."

City councillors, however, stuck doggedly to their assurances, claiming that the map was probably just not quite big enough.

Tuesday, 9 June 2009

Ironic Protesters Deny BNP Leader Freedom of Speech

BNP leader Nick Griffin has spoken out against protesters who pelted him with eggs outside Westminster today, forcing him to cut short what had been looking to journalists like a dull news conference barely worth mentioning.

Standing beside his smiling, happy-go-lucky colleague Andrew Brons, Mr Griffin began his speech by denouncing 'lies' in the daily papers about him and his party - specifically denying alleged links between himself and Sir Oswald Mosley, saying that the former fascist leader "was very hostile to the National Front which I am from", yet somehow forgetting to mention that this was to a large degree because the former Blackshirt was appalled by its anti-European stance.

However, a placard-waving of what Mr Griffin called "mainly left-wing students" - many of them wearing left-wing suits - quickly mobbed the newly-elected MEPs and pelted them with eggs, forcing the BNP leaders and what one BBC reporter described as their 'thick set' supporters to retreat to a waiting car.

"It's a very, very sad day for democracy," he said later with a straight face, adding that the protest group "does not represent ordinary people."

The demonstration was organised by Unite Against Fascism, a group supported by trade unions and all three mainstream political parties - which, on the basis of how people voted in the European elections, speaks only for a tiny 57.1% of the voters compared to the BNP's more representative 6.2%.

One protester shouted to the fleeing Mr Griffin: "Wherever you go in this country, we will make sure you are welcomed by demonstrations."

"Lovely, that'll guarantee us another day of headline coverage," replied Mr Griffin, "See you all in Manchester tomorrow, then."

Schwarzenegger Not Starring In Educator Salvation

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has ordered schools in California to phase out books in favour of online learning.

"Today our kids get der informations from der internet, downloaded onto der iPods, und in Tvitter feeds to der cellphones," he said. "Zo vy California's public school students are still forced to lug around antikvated, heavy, expensive textbooks? Do ve vant dem to look like terrifying muscle-bound freaks?"

Governor Arnie denied that the sunshine state's $15.13bn budget deficit - much of which has been run up under his governance - was in any way connected with his decision.

"Even in good economic times, state government should alvays strive to use taxpayer dollars to de greatest effect," he argued. "In de future, dat means de kids from de vealthy families vid computers, vot pay more tax dollars, vill get to download de books."

When asked how children from poor families would be able to access the internet for long enough to read their textbooks, the former Terminator star frowned and told reporters, "I'll be back to you on dat."

He later returned after consulting his advisors, saying "Fock you, low-income assholes."

Governor Schwarzenegger is thought to be in need of a vacation.

Monday, 8 June 2009

Hitler Vows To Fight Dictatorial European Superstate

Adolf Hitler and a glove puppet were today celebrating their conquest of the North East, Yorkshire and Humberside, after almost a million Britons decided to piss on the graves of 50 million victims of World War Two and vote for fascism.

"I'd like to thank all those petty, small-minded morons for doing what fatty Goering failed to achieve, and giving me a secure foothold in the British Isles," smiled the resurgent Führer, who many thought had been banished to the pages of history and the fires of hell. "With my loyal deputy puppet Billy Brit at my side, I shall sweep across the continent and put a stop to this pan-European dictatorship."

"I'd also like to thank the press - especially my old friends at the Daily Mail - for their sterling work in demonising Muslims, immigrants and European migrant workers," he continued. "And I probably couldn't have done it without my allies in UKIP, who have done so much to help the very people who fought me 70 years ago to forget what it was that they were fighting against."

"Finally, I'd like to thank the great majority of the great British public, who couldn't be bothered to vote at all," he added. "Many of you said, 'It doesn't matter who you vote for, the politicians always get in.' Well, I certainly couldn't have got in if you hadn't been so smug about disenfranchising yourselves. And thank you, too, to everyone who stayed at home to protest about politician's expenses. Your apathy has ensured that I can receive a large amount of your money to promote my message of hatred, fear and bigotry, whilst claiming a hefty salary for being a member of a parliament whose authority I do not recognise."

Mr Hitler then went on to outline his plans to exterminate the Jews, the blacks, the Asians, the homosexuals and the mentally defective. He refused to be drawn, however, on whether the 916,424 people who voted BNP last Thursday would be included in the latter category.

Brown, Sugar

Sir Alan Sugar has denied that there is any political motive behind his appointment by Gordon Brown as the cabinet's 'Enterprise Tsar' or his associated elevation to the House of Lords.

"I wouldn't join the government," said Sir Alan. "I don't see this as a political thing. I see it as my just reward for thirty years of selling badly-made shit to people too poor to afford stuff that works."

The future Lord Amstrad made his fortune with revolutionary products such as shit hi-fis, shit video recorders, shit word-processors, shit computers, shit telephones and shit set top boxes, all of which were made by cheap labour in anonymous factories on the other side of the world. He says he is "looking forward to working with a shit prime minister."

"I did own a factory in Britain once," reminisced the great British businessman. "When old baldy Sinclair's company went tits up, I bought the rights to the Spectrum. But a quick once-over with the books told me his Scottish workforce was getting paid well over the odds, compared to a bunch of starving Asians. So I fired them all, shut the place down and switched production to my old slave-driving mates in the Far East. I was quids in."

"It's people like me what made this country what it is today," he added. "Gordon Brown recognises that, which is why I'm the obvious choice to advise him on what's best for British businesses. First off, I'll be telling the Prime Minister he could save a packet by sacking all them greedy MPs, moving parliament to China and giving the job of governing the UK to a load of slum kids."

Mr Brown is thought to be considering the appointment of yet more unelected advisors to his cabinet. Westminster is said to be bracing itself for the imminent ennoblement of musikführer Simon Cowell, youth dauphin Gary Glitter, equality kronprinz John McCririck and Mad Frankie Fraser as the emperor of law and order.

Sunday, 7 June 2009

Nose On Mandelson's Face 'Taken Out of Context'

A furiously calm Lord Mandelson went on the Andrew Marr Plays Guitar Show this morning to deliver a monologue about the nose on his face, accompanied by the host on conjunctions.

"This so-called email - which a person, who may or may not have been me, did or did not send to Derek Draper, a fictional invention of the Mail on Sunday - may possibly contain the words 'Gordon', 'insecure', 'self-conscious', 'angry' and 'Brown', but you have to remember that these were balanced by other words like 'is', which were not given the same coverage," he said, after breathing in for two minutes. "No, let me finish. You asked me a question. What the public really wants is for me to finish answering the question which you - and it's not just the BBC, it's all of the right-wing media - asked me before letting me finish. I spoke to Ed Balls - and we were laughing about it - and we both agreed that there are many people in the cabinet who are qualified to finish answering the question that you put to me. I think what's important to remember is that Caroline Flint must answer the question: are there any more biscuits, love? That's the question the British public want to ask, and that's the question you should be asking now, if you'd only let me finish, even though you've twisted its meaning. And I'd say that the Prime Minister is doing an excellent job of asking the questions that ordinary people want to answer, but you never hear that in all the press hysteria over D-Day expenses. Go on, ask your question. No, let me finish. I rang James Purnell yesterday, because I know where he lives, and he says he was very drunk when he wrote to the papers, and he would and indeed will walk naked through alligator-infested swamps to support the government if he knows what's good for him - if you'll just let me make my point - and that's what the British public want to hear about, they're concerned about their jobs and their homes and crime and punishment and pride and prejudice and big brother ten and they want answers. And that's the first priority of a Labour government, these are our core values which you've taken out of context, the Tories have their core values which are entirely in some unspecified way different and I hope that answers your hysterical, parabolic questions. Next? Yes. No. Yes. Next! Let me finish. Next! Can you quote the entire bible from memory? No? Well, shut the fuck up then. Let me finish. The prime minister is definitely not a liability who is doing a wonderful job of getting the country on its feet. Thank you. Your name is going on my list."

In the meantime, Mr Marr hesitantly improvised an accompaniment consisting entirely of conjunctions, before thanking a blue-faced Lord Mandelson for making him look like a spineless twerp who would be unable to get a straight answer out of a speak-your-weight machine.

65 Years Ago: D-Day Reimagined

On June 6th 1944, a huge invasion force consisting entirely of French and American troops landed on the shores of Normandy to commence the daunting task of releasing Europe from the crushing grip of Nazi Germany.

The invasion was meticulously planned down to the last detail by the leader of Free French forces, General Charles de Sarkozy, with a little help from his American ally, General Eisobamer.

Cameras were parachuted into France overnight to secure key locations which would give a commanding view of General de Sarkozy's profile, and shortly after dawn the whole of France was shaken by a deafening roar from an unprecedented barrage of reporters.

"I was the first American ashore," recalled Captain Tom Hanks, now an old man. "I jumped off the ramp of the LCI and landed on my feet. There were camera flashes going off left, right and centre. I was shot from every angle. My CO, Major Spielberg, went down in a blaze of glory. He sure earned his Purple Oscar that day."

While the Americans were pinned down on the Miami and Pismo beachheads, however, French forces were casually strolling about freely on Cannes beach and wondering what all the fuss was about.

"Ze first German troops we encountered, eet was in a café," recalled one veteran, proudly wearing his red beret and string of onions. "Zey were as surprised as we were to 'ear about ze landings on ze ozer side of France. We exchanged a few shots of Cognac, zen went on ze beers, sang 'Lilli Marlene' - et voila, eet was all over. We left zem lying on ze floor and staggered 'ome to bed at four in ze morning. War ees 'ell, n'est-ce pas?"

Meanwhile, in one of the cleverest deceptions in history, the German High Command was led to believe that a massive invasion force was heading for the Pas de Calais. In fact, the ghost force consisted solely of Captain HRH The Duke of Cornwall Charles Windsor VC and a brave-faced Gordon Highlander paddling ashore on a Carley float and making as much noise as possible.