Saturday, 14 February 2009

Buffalo Air Disaster Caused By Sin, Say NTSB Officials

Air accident investigators suspect that the crash that killed 50 people yesterday in Buffalo, NY, may have been due to insufficient praying by those on board.

"We have retrieved the black boxes from the wreckage, and the cockpit voice recorder clearly shows that the pilots were spending far too much time discussing poor visibility and a dangerous build-up of ice on the wings, recklessly neglecting their duty to call on their Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, the same yesterday, today and forever hallelujah," said the head of the National Transportation Safety Board.

"With so much wicked sin emanating from the cockpit, Satan had effective control of the airplane," he explained, "So it would have taken a truly massive prayer effort by the passengers to convince the Lord God to intercede. Without a highly-trained pastor on board to direct them, they literally wouldn't have had a prayer."

He went on to say that, so far, none of the charred bodies pulled from the wreckage had been in a sufficiently humble position to persuade the Almighty to bring the stricken commuter plane miraculously back to earth.

"I urge all airlines to rewrite their crew training procedures, placing the emphasis on calling on our blessed Saviour to save their sorry asses," he added. "And, rather than misplacing our faith in trigger-happy air marshals who think they're Steven Segal, all commercial flights should be required to carry a minister of the Lord in an overhead compartment for use in all in-flight emergencies."

Lah-Di-Dah Welshmen Too Far Up Own Arses To Propose On Chavmobile, Complains Arriva

A bus company has hit out at the stuck-up people of Wrexham for having a modicum of taste, after nobody sank low enough to fall for their tacky marketing ploy of renting out a tarted-up bus for romantic dorks to propose on.

A spokesman for Arriva Wales said that, despite displaying "Will You Marry Me?" on its destination board and bearing choice treats from the master chocolatiers of Lidl and a bottle of best bubbly Lambrini, "not a single snooty Welsh ponce" had come forward with the cash to hire the 'love bus'.

"We ran the same offer in Yorkshire and found a willing mug," he fumed. "But obviously the lords and ladies of Wrexham are far too bloody high and mighty to roll up in a garishly-coloured bus and pop the question while hanging on for dear life in the baby-buggy stowage area as the driver stamps on the pedals. Well, bugger the lot of them - since they're so bleeding posh, the fares are going up on Monday."

"Next year, we'll give it a go in Swansea," he added. "They'll lap it up down there, they're not proud."

However, several prospective grooms from the city claimed that other factors had dissuaded them from declaring their undying love on a bus - for example, it didn't go anywhere near their loved ones' house, it would probably turn up late or not at all, it would swiftly fill up with freeloading coffin-dodgers using it as a day centre on wheels, and the back seats would certainly be infested by shouty teenage chavs whose vocabulary consisted mainly of the word 'fuck'.

"I can get all that down the pub, can't I?" commented one amorously-inclined Wrexhamite. "Which is where I'll be proposing to Sharon tonight, after about ten pints of SA."

Friday, 13 February 2009

Britain's Children Spurt to Top of Underage Sex League

Britain is celebrating its return to the top of the international underage-sex tables today - thanks to a sterling effort by 13-year-old Alfie Patten, who successfully put a bun in his 15-year-old girlfriend Chantelle Steadman's oven a mere 3 minutes 20 seconds after his balls dropped.

"For decades, the UK proudly held the record for the largest number of teenage pregnancies in the world," said Prime Minister Gordon Brown today. "In recent years, however, we have lost our place at the top of the league tables to the ignorant trans-pubescents of America. I urge our vast army of stupid, no-prospect teens - and, what the hell, preteens too, if they can get it up - to take inspiration from young Alfie and Chantelle. Put the Nintendo down for five minutes, lads - drop your football shorts and restore Britain to its rightful position as the most sexually-backward nation of ignorant fuckers on the planet. Show the world what you can do with your tiny willies. Let's face it, we're crap at everything else - so thank God we can beat the foreigners at something."

Meanwhile, Alfie has vowed that he will be a good father to baby Maisie Roxanne, as long as it doesn't interfere with his efforts to get the high score on Grand Theft Auto IV, and says he is looking forward to becoming a semi-permanent fixture on the Jeremy Kyle Show for years to come.

Government Prevents Evil Foreigner From Spreading Message About Evil Foreigners

The British government has come under fire for barring Dutch far-right MP Geert Hitlers from entering the country to show his controversial film, 'Muslim Süss' to members of the House of Lords.

The foreigner-baiting former Tory cabinet minister Michael Portillo said that the government had made a "populist twit" and "bigot" world famous by detaining Mr Hitlers at Heathrow and sending him back to Holland. Dutch foreign ministry spokesman Christof Prommersberger also deplored the expulsion, saying: "any Dutch parliamentarian should be able to travel freely in the European Union. In fact, the further from Holland, the better."

However, the government pointed out that, after recent calls for apologies from Jeremy Clarkson, Carol Thatcher, drugs advisor Professor David Nutt and education expert Professor Adrian Smith for flagrantly speaking their minds, the banning of Mr Hitlers from the UK was a 'no-brainer'.

"Britain fought a long and bloody world war so that people could have the fundamental right to freedom of speech," explained Foreign Secretary Miliband One. "But that was all a long time ago, and times have changed. Nowadays all those old-fashioned human rights are nothing but a dusty collection of quaint old notions whose day has passed, thanks to the very real threat of international terrorism. What's far more important nowadays is to watch out for all these evil Muslim fundamentalists who would cheerfully murder us all in our beds in the name of the Prophet, given half a chance. Which is pretty much what Mr Hitlers is saying in his film, come to think of it. And, er, that's why we clearly had to ban him."

"What part of that don't you understand?" he added.

Wednesday, 11 February 2009

Have Faith In Greedy Bastards, Urges Cameron

David Cameron has warned the people of Britain against any reduction in their enthusiasm for the sheer naked greed of a small, wealthy clique.

The Tory leader mounted his impassioned defence of the ruthless exploitation of the masses by the privileged few at the Social Enterprise Coalition conference in Birmingham, saying: "The foundations of our economy have been shaken - and with it our faith in capitalism and free enterprise."

"Only a murderous Stalinist cynic could possibly imagine the slightest connection between the unrestrained pursuit of maximum profit and the minor difficulties we are currently experiencing," he went on, adding: "It is capitalism that has made this great country what it is today."

Mr Cameron promised that, under a Conservative government, Britain's sure salvation lay in bringing back Jobclubs and retraining the workforce to stack shelves. However, any further explanations were lost as he disappeared under a hail of shoes.

"If that plummy upper-class twit thinks that twiddling my thumbs all day in a Jobclub, surrounded by yesterday's papers and waiting for my turn to search for jobs via one rusty PC on a dial-up modem will somehow make me less inclined to yell 'wankers' at the telly every time I see a bank advert," said one laid-off worker, "Then he's even more clueless that our one-eyed Scots idiot of a prime minister."

Drug Expert Denounces 'Political' Politicians

The government's chief drugs advisor, Nutty Dave, has hit out at politicians, saying their decision to ignore his committee's advice on ecstasy was "political".

"Ahh man... our job - right - is not to like, give messages to the public, yeah, do you know what I'm saying?" explained the Professor as he danced vigorously to a repetitive, pounding electronic beat that existed only inside his head. "Our job is to... is to.. what the fuck is our job, I don't fucking know... shit... hang on, I wrote it on the back of my hand so I wouldn't forget... our job... our job, right... our fucking job is to like tell the home minister and the drugs secretary and the spliff captain and the trouser bird and... whatever... yeah, like tell the whole fucking so-called fucking establishment, right, about the relative harms of drugs - which is, like, total bollocks 'cos they don't do you no harm never if you just, like, just use them right, yeah? It's just fucking typical politicians being all political, it's all, like, fucking politics - no, 'sall right, man, I'm cool, they're just like fuckin'... fuckin'... fuuuuuck."

The Professor had previously been forced to apologise after saying that taking ecstasy was "a bit like riding a horse, right - unless of course it's been pumped full of K."

Defending the government's refusal to downgrade ecstasy from Class A to Class B, Home Office Minister Alan Campbell said that, although there was little hard evidence to suggest that ecstasy was particularly dangerous, it was the duty of the government to distract the public's attention from the dreadful state of the economy for five minutes.

Speaking on behalf of his colleagues on the Purple Advisory Council on the Misuse of Drugs 'n' Shit, Nutty Dave called for further research into the effects of taking ecstasy, and offered to start right now by taking a couple himself.

Monday, 9 February 2009

Bankers Confused By Meaningless Noises From PM and Chancellor

Baffled banking chiefs are scratching their heads today, trying to decipher the unintelligible messages they have been receiving from Gordon Brown and Alistair Darling.

"I've checked my dictionary twice," said Sir Robert Blind, chairman of the Piggy Bank of Scotland. "There's no mention of anything remotely like 'moral', 'responsibility', 'duty', or 'shame'. I've asked our overseas branches if these noises mean anything in their languages, but they've drawn a blank too. Perhaps they're speaking in tongues?"

"I did recognise the word 'bonus' a couple of times," said James Hamer-Head, Director of Self-Enrichment at merchant bankers Fubarcorp. "That's Latin for 'good' - I remember that much from the good old Shortbread Eating Primer, ha ha, oh dear - so presumably they approve of everything we're doing and want us to carry on as normal."

"I must say, though, the other stuff seems to be complete gibberish," he added. "But I suppose they're under a bit of a strain, what with the state of the economy and everything. It must be an awful burden for them. I don't know how they can sleep at night."

Sir Robert, Mr Hamer-Head and other leading financiers agreed to hold further discussions about the incomprehensible utterances of the Prime Minister and the Chancellor of the Exchequer over an agreeable champagne luncheon at Le Gavroche.

Everything You Read In The Papers Apparently Not Entirely True

The legendary quality of British newspaper journalism is declining as editors sacrifice standards for sales, according to the Media Standards Trust.

According to the charity's research, public faith in journalists is at an all-time low. The trust also criticised the system of self-regulation for failing to deal with radical changes in the media.

"Basically, everything you read in the papers is a steaming great crock of shit," said David Bell, chairman of the Financial Times, who chairs the MST. "For example, our 'research' claims that only 7% of the public trust them to behave responsibly, while three-quarters say the papers often publish stories they know to be untrue. That's clearly a load of bollocks, for a start. 100% of Daily Mail readers implicitly believe everything it says to have been handed to the editor by God himself, inscribed on on tablets of stone. The same can be also said of the Express - except, of course, their stories are delivered personally to their porn-baron owner, Richard Desmond, written in spunk across the bouncing breasts of Red Hot XXX Asian Babes."

However, Sir Christopher Meyer - chairman of the Press Complaints Commission - described the report as "careless and shoddy".

"It's full of assertions unsupported by the evidence on privacy, on public confidence, on transparency," he said, adding that he had authorised an army of highly-responsible journalists to camp out on the doorsteps of the MST's review panel, search through their rubbish and invent stories about their perverted sexual habits.

Sunday, 8 February 2009

Gloucester To Improve Taste of Impassable Roads

As Britain - a nation entirely surrounded by seawater - runs out of salt for its roads after a bit of a cold snap, Gloucestershire County Council has announced that it is to throw 100 tons of table salt to the icy winds in a desperate attempt to make people believe that something is being done.

But health campaigners have slammed the proposals, saying that most of the white salt will blow away as soon as it falls out of the back of the lorry - probably straight into the gaping mouths of greedy fat bastards waiting eagerly on the kerb, who will promptly keel over with coronaries.

“A far better alternative would be Lo-Salt - the low-sodium alternative to salt - which is composed almost entirely of potassium chloride,” said a BMA representative. “Actually, it won’t be much good at clearing snow and ice off the roads - but let’s face it, it probably wouldn’t be any more useless than table salt.”

Gloucestershire Highways said they would definitely be examining the Lo-Salt proposal as they had received enormous publicity in the national media for the table salt idea, and no doubt more favourable coverage would follow if they could spin the health angle too.

“Of course, that would mean a 500% increase on next year’s council tax rate,” conceded a spokesman. “Have you seen the price of that stuff? Still, we can always blame it on the recession, central government cutbacks and council housing.”

“Just get the fucking roads cleared,” shouted a passing motorist as he skidded into a lamp-post.

Toxic ‘Ghost Ship’ Brings Jobs and Death to North-East

The north of England was today celebrating the announcement that the Clemenceau, a 32,700-tonne death-bucket, is to be broken up and breathed in by the people of Hartlepool.

The decommissioned French aircraft carrier was built entirely of deadly asbestos in the 1950s, and has already been turned away by reputable countries which give at least some passing consideration to the welfare of the population, including India and Egypt.

However, an Environment Agency spokesman said that Britain had an enviable reputation as the world’s toxic waste dump.

“Let’s face it: compared to the amount of high-level nuclear waste being shipped here from all over the globe, this asbestos will make very little difference to the life expectancy of the average cloth-capped northerner,” he explained. “After all, the effects of radiation sickness last for generations, whereas you can’t get asbestosis from your parents.”

“Just as long as they remember to wear a filter mask every time they give their kids a hug,” he added.