Evil Mugabe Shocks World By Feeding Dead Animals We Happen To Like To Starving Troops

Pressure is mounting on the UN to intervene on the ground in Zimbabwe, following shock claims that the impoverished nation's soldiers were being given elephant meat in their rations. Zimbabwe's national parks contain an estimated 100,000 elephants, although they can support less than half that number.

"As we all know, an army marches on its stomach - so 55,000 surplus elephants ought to keep my mob running around for months," said an unrepentant Robert Mugabe. "It's either tasty, succulent elephants or rangy, tenderised MDC supporters. Which would you prefer?"

"It's hard to find words to express how outraged I feel," said one tearful animal rights campaigner. "Naturally I was a bit upset when I heard about Robert Mugabe bulldozing shanty towns, murdering people who might vote for the MDC, and responding to the cholera outbreak by closing hospitals and all that - so of course I joined a Facebook petition about it. But feeding his starving troops with meat from elephants, even if they were being culled anyway to safeguard the survival of the rest of the herd? This is just one more disgraceful example of man's inhumanity to cuddly toy-inspiring animals that cannot go unpunished. The UN should invade Zimbabwe immediately and slaughter the elephant-hating lot of them. That'll teach them."

The Nev Filter sent an intrepid, expendable intern reporter to Africa to ask a typical cute, cuddly bull-elephant for his views. Unfortunately he was trampled into bloody paste before he could file his report.

Britain Responsible For Non-Existent Epidemic, Claims Mugabe Ally

A close ally of President Mugabe, Disinformation Minister Sikhanyiso Nvodlu, has blamed the UK for the outbreak of cholera which does not exist in Zimbabwe.

The country's liar-in-chief told the world's media that the non-outbreak - which has killed 792 fictitious people - was "a calculated, racist, terrorist attack on Zimbabwe."

President Robert Mugabe has already claimed that the Western powers have deliberately infected him with a terrifying strain of megalomania, causing a massive outbreak of pathological lying and leading to a fatal disdain for his people's welfare.

"Zimbabwe's sewers contain nothing but pure spring water with a slight zest of lemon, and our hospitals are closed only because nobody in this Earthly paradise ever needs one," he told reporters. "You see? There I go again. I can't help myself."

Other African nations, however, are still clinging to the fond belief that all of Zimbabwe's problems will magically disappear, if only Mr Mugabe and his political rival Morgan Tsvangirai would just shake hands and sort out their minor differences of opinion.

Meanwhile, the British government has poured scorn on Mr Nvodlu's claims.

"If we had really been developing cholera as a biological weapon, rest assured that it would have accidentally leaked out into the population of Britain by now," pointed out Foreign Secretary Miliband One.

'Stop Crapping Everywhere and Prepare For Colonialist Invasion', Mugabe Tells Zimbabwe

President Robert Mugabe has told his starving, diseased populace that Britain and America are scheming to persuade the United Nations to invade Zimbabwe, in the wake of the ongoing cholera epidemic.

“The colonial arch-imperialist Brown and his lackeys, the Americans, want to annexe our beautiful, prosperous country on the trumped-up excuse that some of you have a mild case of the trots,” said the 84-year-old dictator. “Now is the time for all loyal Zimbabweans - that means everyone, by the way - to put on a big nappy, pick up their AK47 and shoot the first white racist bastard they see coming down the street.”

“I’m pleased to see that eighteen - and counting - human rights activists and MDC advisors are so eager to repel the white peril that they have gone to ground, presumably to form a Vietcong-style resistance movement in the event of foreign occupation,” he added. “In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if more and more of them turned out to be occupying holes in the ground in the next few days.”

Ordinary Zimbabweans suffering from the rapid spread of cholera - caused by the total breakdown of the bankrupt nation’s neglected infrastructure - were deeply moved by their President’s appeal.

“Until recently, I couldn’t give a shit about anything Mugabe said,” said one dying Harare resident sitting on a bucket. “Now I give a shit about every five minutes. If the neo-colonialist invaders are coming, could they bring a few hundred sanitation engineers, a convoy of antibiotics and about fifty million water purification tablets, please?”

'Sticks and Stones May Break Your Bones, But AK47s Are Better', Mugabe Tells Hecklers

Zimbabwe’s opposition MPs have heckled Robert Mugabe during his opening parliamentary speech, shouting, “You killed people, we won’t forget that" as he listed his government’s achievements.

President Mugabe told a hostile House of Assembly that he had every expectation that power-sharing would begin soon.

“I am confident that, very soon, these gentlemen from the Movement for Democratic Change will be sharing their power with me,” he smiled. “Especially after I hand the minutes of this session over to my loyal - and extremely well-armed - security forces.”

Mugabe Hit For Six

Zimbabwe’s presidential limpet, Robert Mugabe, is said to be reconsidering his position in the light of the UK government’s threat to bar his country’s cricket team from playing in England next summer.

“I’ve had to endure an awful lot of name-calling lately over my relentless intimidation of the opposition,” said Mr Mugabe, “Not to mention my lamentable mismanagement of the Zimbabwean economy. However, by bravely announcing this ban on our cricketers, Britain has shown real moral backbone. As if it isn’t enough for us to lose our place in the Twenty20 World Cup, other countries might follow their lead and ban us from participating in the World Scrabble Championships and the Lions’ Club International Stamp Collecting Convention. Perhaps this is God’s way of telling me that it’s time to step down. Words cannot properly express my admiration for this British political master-stroke.”

In a further development, the US has said it will not recognise the result of Friday’s presidential election.

“We’ve got a good track record here,” said a federal spokesman. “If we’d recognised our own presidential election results in 2001, Al Gore might be running the country and not just making slideshows about the environment.”

“Never mind, Robert,” executives of mining conglomerate Anglo-American told the beleaguered president, “We still love you. Here’s £200m for a platinum mine.”

Going Dutch - With Morgan Tsvangirai

Following the decision by Morgan Tsvangirai to pull out of the Zimbabwean presidential election run-off, the UN Security Council has unanimously condemned the violence and intimidation against the Movememnt for Democratic Change and declared that a free and fair vote would be “impossible”.

President Robert Mugabe, however, disagreed. “Just watch,” he said. “We’ll have our election on Friday, and everybody will be free to vote for me. What could be fairer than that?”

Mr Mugabe’s government also gave assurances about the safety of Mr Tsvangirai, who has fled to the Dutch embassy claiming asylum.

“Morgan Tsvangirai will be allowed safe passage out of Zimbabwe, if he is in a diplomatic bag,” announced the president. “In fact, as he’s quite a large fellow, I reckon two bags would be the best plan. If he wants to go Dutch, I’d be happy to see him split 50/50.”

Tsvangirai's Call for Action Not Quite Important Enough To Us

Zimbabwe’s opposition candidate, Morgan Tsvangirai, has announced his withdrawal from the controversial run-off presidential election due to be held this Friday, saying that the prevailing conditions of violence and intimidation “do not permit the holding of a credible poll.”

So far, 86 people have been killed and 200,000 displaced from their homes for supporting Mr Tsvangirai.

President Robert Mugabe’s Zanu-PF party responded by claiming that Mr Tsvangirai’s Movement for Democratic Change was responsible for the wave of political violence sweeping the country.

“I wish these people would stop burning their homes, beating themselves to death and raping themselves,” said Mr Mugabe. “They are only doing it for attention. I blame the foreign media, who are working in league with the evil British Empire.”

Mr Tsvangirai is hoping that the outside world will force Mr Mugabe to stand down from the presidency. However, when he rang the world asking for support, he was put on hold and told by a computer that although his call was important, the world was currently fully engaged in watching Euro 2008 and complaining about the rising cost of filling its people-carriers and 4x4s with petrol, and instructed to call back later, if he was still alive.

“In the interests of fairness, we are steadily working our way through the alphabet,” said a spokesman for the United Nations. “And unfortunately for Zimbabwe, we seem to have been stuck on the letter ‘I’ for the last few decades. To be honest, we haven’t even finished with ‘A’ yet.”

Roberta Thrown Out of Big Brother Country

Bullying contestant Roberta De-Mugabe has been thrown out of the Big Brother Country by Channel 4, after repeatedly breaking the rules by intimidating other housemates.

Controversial Roberta, an unaccountable executive from Zimbabwe, was in the living room discussing the elections yesterday when he said, “I just can’t wait to see my mans and them and see what their plans are, who they got…I’m talking about my gangster friends. They got some instructions to carry out.”

“Pow, pow, pow,” he added ominously.

After the incident, Roberta was called to the diary room and heard that the forthcoming vote, in which he was facing eviction, had been cancelled. He was told that he had already been warned twice about breaching the rules by bullying other contestants, such as poor Mario Tsvangirai, and ordered to collect his belongings and leave the Big Brother Country immediately. He reacted by glueing himself to the diary room seat, and was carried out by Channel 4 executives.

According to his online bio, Roberta claimed to be proud of what he’s achieved, single-handedly raising Zimbabwe to economic ruin, while also having a great job and fast cars. He was raised a Christian, but a few years ago converted to Despotism. His philosophy in life, he said, is “go home in a box”. Although Roberta admits he is not very pleasant to live with, he has declared himself a natural-born leader for life and said that anyone who disagrees will find out - albeit briefly - just how unpleasant living with him can be.

The shock dismissal of Roberta means that Mario Tsvangirai can now remain in the Big Brother Country for at least another week, to the delight of his few surviving fans.

Mugabe Shocked By Human Rights Group's Statement of Bleeding Obvious

Zimbabwe’s dictatorial president Robert Mugabe has reacted with horror to the publication of a report by New York-based Human Rights Watch, which claims that a campaign of violence has destroyed any chance of a free and fair run-off election later this month.

“Zimbabweans can’t vote freely if they fear their vote will get them killed,” said the organisation’s African director Georgette Gaynon, citing evidence that the president’s Zanu-PF party and its allies were running torture camps, and detailing 36 deaths, in addition to an attempt by the Zimbabwean police to ban opposition rallies and the temporary arrest of the opposition candidate, Morgan Tsvangirai.

“I am deeply upset to hear of these horrible attacks on freedom and democracy,” said the aghast dictator. “I humbly ask any of Mr Tsvangirai’s supporters who have experienced or witnessed intimidation to come to me personally and tell me their shocking tales of abuse. Unfortunately I can’t come to them, as I seem to have accidentally superglued myself to my desk. However, let me give them my word of honour that if they present themselves at the gates of my presidential palace and say they’re from the Movement for Democratic Change, my sympathetic guards will know just what to do with them.”

“Don’t miss our next report,” said Human Rights Watch, “Which will contain irrefutable evidence that noses are overwhelmingly in front of people’s faces.”

Americans Pots Accuse Kettle Mugabe of Manipulating Aid

Robert Mugabe has been accused by US-based Human Rights Watch of using aid as a political weapon in the run-up to Zimbabwe’s presidential run-off election later this month.

"The decision to let people go hungry is yet another attempt to use food as a political tool to intimidate voters ahead of an election," said Tiseke Kasambala, the group’s researcher for Zimbabwe, a day after Mr Mugabe’s government ordered CARE International to suspend its food-distribution operations, accusing it of backing Morgan Tsvangirai’s campaign.

The organisation went on to say that the concept of using aid as a means of forcing compliance was utterly repugnant to Americans, as their government continued to court the fundamentalist Christian vote by funding only those HIV- and AIDS-relief programmes in Africa that promote sexual abstinence until marriage.

Mugabe in Europe for Something or Other

The ruthless Zimbabwean dictator Robert Mugabe is still shamelessly attending the emergency UN food summit in Rome.

Although the European Union has imposed travel sanctions on Mr Mugabe’s government, as Zimbabwe’s head of state he is allowed to attend UN meetings. Britain’s International Development Secretary, Douglas Alexander, told reporters that he will snub the African leader, saying it was “obscene” that he was allowed to take part in the conference.

“Mugabe is a deeply unpopular figure at home and abroad, relying on strong-arm tactics to maintain his tenuous grip on power,” said Mr Alexander. “He has no mandate from his people to govern, and should do the decent thing and step aside for a better man. Gordon Brown himself feels very strongly about this issue.”

Mr Mugabe is expected to urge other nations to follow his example by seizing farms and handing them to poor but heavily-armed militias with no experience of crop management.

“After we kicked whitey off the land, our local troops now have just about enough food for most of the year,” he proudly announced. “If the evil racist farmers had built their farms in the middle of our cities too, nobody there would be suffering from malnutrition either. My solution is to turn the opposition into fertiliser, organise a controlled cull of their voters and blame Britain for everything. If everyone followed my lead on this, all of the world’s problems would magically disappear, starting with Morgan Tsvangirai.”

Meanwhile, in the background, some people were apparently trying to find a way to save the poverty-stricken third world from starving to death because of soaring food prices.

Zimbabwe Celebrates Future With Optimism

In a surprise move, Robert Mugabe has graciously accepted defeat in the Zimbabwean elections and stepped down as President, effective immediately.

“I am happy to congratulate my honourable opponent, Morgan Tsvangirai, and the Movement for Democratic Change on winning the election on Sunday fair and square,” beamed Mr Mugabe. “The Zimbabwean people have spoken, and I respect their democratic will. I have been President for 28 years, and in that period our country has toppled from prosperity to penury, and is now an economic basket case. Clearly I am not the man for the job, and it is high time I stepped aside and let someone competent take charge. I have nothing but respect for Mr Tsvangirai, and wish him every success in restoring the fortunes of our blighted nation.”

“I have instructed the security forces to co-operate fully with the MDC in order to facilitate a smooth transfer of power in the coming days,” he continued, “And I urge all my supporters to welcome a new dawn of peace and reconciliation.”

When asked about the numerous reports of vote-rigging and ballot-stuffing said to have taken place around the country, Mr Mugabe smiled and said, “Well, of course - I have a reputation to live up to, it’s expected of me. You can’t blame me for trying – but, really, my heart just isn’t in it any more. I am looking forward to a quiet retirement, well away from affairs of state. However, if my successor wishes to investigate the various crimes, abuses and outrages I committed during three decades of blind, dogmatic rule, then I will just have to stand trial and take whatever richly-deserved punishment is coming to me.”

“I really have been a disaster for this country,” added Mr Mugabe, with tears in his eyes, “And I just want to say I’m very, very sorry.”

All over the country, members of Mr Mugabe’s ZANU-PF party were reported to be enthusiastically hugging their successful MDC rivals in the dancing, cheering crowds thronging every city and village in Zimbabwe.

Mr Tsvangirai, meanwhile, was reported to be peering around cautiously from under a manhole cover.

Mugabe's Doctor Joke Mystifies African Tragicomedy Fans

Zimbabwe’s Robert Mugabe, facing the toughest election in his 28-year presidency – i.e. one with opponents daring to stand – has come up with the novel campaign tactic of giving out free cars to 450 doctors at government hospitals.

“Our health sector operated in a regional and international context that was free of the illegal sanctions which weigh us down today,” said the veteran international pariah. “But then I came along. Now look at the state of it.”

Zimbabwe’s doctors and nurses – at least, those who have not already fled the country in exasperation – have been on strike demanding more pay; although, with inflation running at 100,000%, any pay award would almost certainly be worthless before the ink was dry.

Mr Mugabe further promised that the doctors would receive houses within two years, and petrol for their new cars in fifteen. His electoral largesse has also extended to handing out farm machinery to his ex-guerilla army, whose mismanagement of the lands he seized from white Zimbabwean farmers has largely contributed to the collapse of the country’s economy and food supply; and donating fleets of buses, in which his heavily-armed thugs can travel with ease from polling station to polling station on March 29th, encouraging floating voters to support Mr Mugabe - or end up floating down the nearest river.