Monday, 23 September 2013

The Westgate Centre: Is It In The North Of England?

The horrifying scene at the Westlife shopping centre
Journalists are frantically speculating about the precise whereabouts of the Westgate shopping mall, where four British people and a mere handful of dozens of unimportant foreigners were taken hostage and brutally murdered by terrorists who were possibly almost definitely British and even if they aren't they probably have shitloads of relatives here.

Several pissed Mirror reporters spent a frustrating day hiring a Scouse translator and heading north in a taxi, after deciding that Kenya might be that county near Scotland with all the lakes; others rang the UKIP press office to ask if they might know of any shopping malls frequented by black people.

STOP PRESS: Unconfirmed reports are stating that the Westgate mall has just been heroically brainstormed by instant experts. According to one hack whose EDL contact swears he used to be in the SAS, no shopping mall in Britain is safe from crazed, murderous lunatics wielding deadly rayguns who may or may not be black Muslamics.

Meanwhile, the Foreign Office is refusing to confirm or deny allegations that Africa is basically ours, or used to be, well, bits of it anyway, and therefore a new and deadly threat to every man, woman or child in Britain who happens to be white and living in an agreeable part of Surrey.

Sunday, 4 August 2013

Who Is The Doctor And Where Is The News?

As the BBC spends more of the licence fee than this year's entire drama budget on revealing that an actor will play a character, the Nev Filter enthusiastically joins the rest of the media in abandoning boring old news in favour of pointless speculation about WHO (geddit?!) will play the last Dr Who until the show's chief nerd writes himself implausibly out of a corner.

Mahmoud Ahmedinejad
Outgoing president of Iran. Could bring to the role a moral authority not seen since William Hartnell told Ian and Barbara not to interfere with the Holocaust because it probably didn't happen, or if it did then the Jews were probably asking for it anyway.

Morgan Tsvangirai
Outgoing prime minister of Zimbabwe. Insiders say he is desperately keen to take on a new role, and keenly desperate to take the first flight out of Harare International. Could be entertainingly chased all over the cosmos by minions of the Black Guardian (Robert Mugabe).

Prince Philip
Ongoing Mr Queen of Great Britain, Northern Ireland and of Her other Realms and Territories. Would bring 92 years of supercilious cheek to the role, calling Daleks "wogs in tins" and quipping that the Cybermen can't be made in China because only their mouths are slitty.


The Outlaw Jimmy Wales
Put-out founder of Wikipedia. Likely to spend his time fighting his former friend the Porn Master (David Cameron), and explaining everything in laborious - and often wrong - detail. Bonus: already used to dwindling budgets.

18-inch talking robot, purpose-designed for space adventure and providing a feeble pretence of belonging and companionship to lonely middle-aged men who don't get out enough.

Saturday, 3 August 2013

Immigration Row: Spot Checks Based On 30-Year-Old Comedy Sketch

UK Immigration Service Training Manual

Illegal immigrants give themselves away by behaving in the following manner:

1. Loitering with intent to use a pedestrian crossing;
2. Smelling of foreign food;
3. Urinating in a public convenience;
4. Coughing without due care and attention;
5. Looking at an immigration officer in a funny way;
6. Walking on the cracks in the pavement;
7. Walking in a loud shirt in a built-up area during the hours of darkness;
8. Walking around with an offensive wife;
9. Possession of curly black hair and thick lips.

IMPORTANT! Take special care not to notice whether the villain is a coloured gentleman.

(With apologies to Not The Nine O'Clock News)