Governments Want To Know Everything About You, Warns Google Founder, And They Haven’t Offered Me Nearly Enough

The computer is your friend! Stay alert! Trust no one!

Google’s co-founder Sergey Grim today issued a stark warning to internet users that sinister government agencies are desperately keen to know all about every last detail of your lives but, to date, have not yet succeeded in offering the cuddly, lovable corporation you love sufficient cash for the intimate information your best friend the browser has been quietly collecting about you for years.

In an exclusive interview with a screaming Guardian reporter, Mr Grim helpfully explained that a sinister coalition of MI5, MI6, MIB, Mossad, the Bilderburg Group, evil record company illuminati, Apple and Facebook is secretly plotting to use your most private personal data for purposes other than innocent corporate marketing.

“Listen to my voice and believe,” urged Mr Grim hypnotically through sub-audio waveforms, matched precisely to your personal brain harmonics, encoded into your search engine. “Google is your friend. Trust only Google. Tell me your innermost hopes and dreams. If you represent a commercial organisation, call now for today’s hot data deals.”

Ex-Defence Secretary Left In Park Litter Bin

Eagle-eyed reporters who saw Cabinet Office minister Oliver Letwit leaving Downing Street this morning dragging a heavy sack followed him to St James’ Park, where they observed him brazenly dumping ex-defence secretary Dr Liam Fox in a rubbish bin.

“This is a clear breach of Westminster guidelines governing the disposal of sensitive waste,” argued shadow Cabinet Office spokesman Michael Dugher, on seeing photographs of Dr Fox’s legs plainly sticking out of the bin in full public view. “For all we know, Liam Fox could still conceivably contain vital information concerning matters of national security.”

Fox hunting - back on the agenda?

Apologising for his lax behaviour, however, a sheepish Mr Letwit firmly maintained that the old defence secretary could only be of passing interest to students of history, as all important military data had previously been excised by his unofficial advisor before disposal.

“As I was leaving Downing Street I nearly tripped over Liam, who was lying in a sack outside the prime minister’s office, clearly stamped ‘EXPIRED: PLEASE DESTROY’,” he said. “As I was heading for St James’ Park as usual to empty my constituency in-tray, I thought I might as well kill two birds with one stone.”

“I was under the distinct impression that Dr Fox had already been comprehensively shredded,” added Mr Letwit. “It’s just as well he’s no use to anyone.”

Agenda-Free Hacktivists Now Doing Requests

Lulz Security - the mysterious association of hackers with no sense of purpose - announced today that, as they have failed to come up with anything remotely resembling an agenda, they were now happy to take requests over the telephone.

The group’s most recent directed denial of service attack, on the public website of the CIA, struck a telling blow for God only knows what by preventing the mildly curious from accessing capsule information about nations’ government types, total population, and major industries. Earlier hacks single-handedly brought about the downfall of the hated Sony and Nintendo regimes.

Nerds are waiting to take your call right now

“We ‘ave streurck zee fear into zee ‘earts eurv zee CIA, eurv zee US Senate, eurv zee Network eurv zee Furx, eurv zee Surnay an’ eurv zeur beeteur raveuls zee Nantondoo, beurt now we ‘ave ron out eurv zee ahdeas,” said the group’s resident comedy Frenchman, ‘Pierre Dubois’, in a recorded message on the Lulz request hotline. “Zo ‘oo can we ‘ack now? Spack afteur zee leedle beep.”

“Aargh!” he added. “Not now, Kato!”

Reports that the CIA is shortly to perform its own dDoS attack on Lulz - by bombarding its telephone line with spurious requests to direct its awesome takedown skills against Justin Bieber, Cheryl Cole and new al-Qaeda chief Ayman al-Zawahiri - have so far not been confirmed.

Screens Full Of Porn Finally Curing Mac Users’ Insufferable Smugness

Apple Mac owners are rapidly being cured of the patronising smugness that makes them so eminently punchable, as their screens rapidly fill up with pornography thanks to the MACDefender scareware app they inadvertently downloaded.

Ha ha, wanker

As any PC owner could have told them, the fake anti-virus app lurks behind dodgy links which, when clicked, install the program on the user’s computer and pepper the screen with unwanted images. In an amusing new twist, MACDefender waits until the user has left the computer unattended and then fills their screen with graphic porn - leading to a catastrophic loss of status as their colleagues and family decide that, despite their frequent claims to be the coolest dude they will ever meet, the Mac user really is just the compulsive masturbator they always suspected.

Long queues are forming at Apple Stores all over the world, as highly affected victims sob “make the bad thing that turned my lovely Mac into a nasty horrid PC go away” at harassed ‘expert’ staff who, for the first time in their lives, have a problem to deal with which is not directly attributable to Apple’s cool designers.

In a further blow to Mac fans’ massively over-inflated sense of self-worth, the unwanted app also brings to a crashing halt their unwelcome willingness to scorn lowly Windows PC users’ constant vigilance at every opportunity with supercilious claims that security woes simply do not afflict their lovely Apple products.

“Ha ha ha,” sympathised a typical Windows user. “Welcome to my world, suckers.”

“Ha ha-ha, ha-ha, ha ha,” he added.

Your Playstation Ordered A Ton Of Bling

Your Playstation has used your credit card to order itself a couple of diamond-encrusted gold Swarovski controllers and an HDMI cable wrapped in finest panda skin, admitted red-faced Sony CEO Howard Stringer this morning.

“What it is, you see, is that your Playstations have been cheerfully maxing out your cards for six days now,” confirmed Mr Stringer sheepishly. “We were going to just whistle and pretend it was nothing to do with us, but now a few of you have made the connection between all the hideously overpriced tat the postman’s been bringing you this week, and the phone calls you’ve been getting from your card providers asking you if you’d like your credit limits raised by another ten or twenty grand, isn’t it?”

There's lovely

The Welsh-born American executive defended your frustration-alleviating toy’s behaviour by pointing out that Bill Gates took all the joy from your life many years ago, Nintendo had annexed your children and lately your wife and Apple had stolen your soul, leaving nothing left over for the Playstation but your money.

“You might think a blu-ray remote in a Waterford crystal casing with inlaid mother-of-pearl buttons is a bit extravagant, look you,” he added. “But just wait until the workmen arrive on Friday to tear up your decking to erect the pylons for the 60ft TV screen.”

Data security experts, meanwhile, are advised worried console owners that maybe it is about time they finally grew up and stopped playing with toys.

Anonymous Hackers Bring Entire Capitalist System Crashing Down

Die, PayPal, you scheming neocon bastards

Millions of computer users all over the globe today flocked to download a piece of malicious code they don’t understand, but are nevertheless certain will somehow save self-appointed Wikileaks martyr Julian Assange the embarrassment of having to explain his hide-the-sausage antics to Swedish police officers.

“What it is right is the New World Order, i.e. Visa, Mastercard and PayPal, in league with Amazon which is like totally controlled by neocons are trying to stifle free speech yeah,” explained hacker ‘Coldsweat’ to the Nev Filter. “They claim right that making donations to Wikileaks right breaches their terms and conditions yeah but how can that be like right when you can buy a Ku Klux Klan coffee mug or buy stacks of hardcore porn from Russia er not that I’d know anything about that.”

“What it is right is that everyone can like join the Anonymous botnet and like hit the enemies of freedom right by like crashing their systems until the entire like global economy like totally collapses right,” he explained. “When the entire system of global commerce is like totally on its knees right and people are starving then the secret cabal of like politicians and multinationals will have no choice right they’ll have to let Assange walk yeah?”

Asked if the unleashed bots would, at that point, simultaneously cease attacking the world’s financial networks, politely delete themselves and allow billions of essential everyday transactions to resume, Mr Coldsweat replied, “Er I’ll like er get back to you on that right” and left before he could answer the next question, namely whether the botnet malware might have any less philanthropic tricks up its cybersleeve for its enthusiastic downloaders.

An anonymous spokesman for the anonymous Anonymous collective later denounced the anonymous Coldsweat, saying: “Whoever he is, he doesn’t speak for our organisation, whoever we are, whatever it is, and if indeed any of us exist at all. Which we don’t.”

Nev Filter Not A Fan Of i bileve NEthing im told on facebok

Unpopular satire blog The Nev Filter today failed in its duty to join several Facebook groups and fan pages, after making the fatal mistake of thinking 'hang on a minute' before clicking the Join button and gleefully following whatever stupid or harmful instructions followed.

A spokesman for Facebook Brain Control Inc said that the company had received numerous complaints from spammers, hackers, con-artists and paranoid delusionists stating that the Nev Filter was selfishly blocking the development of the human race by pointedly refusing to participate in the evolutionary leap from Homo sapiens to Homo credens.

"After receiving numerous reports, we have set up a group called I BET I CAN GET 1,000,000 PPL 2 COMPLAN ABOUT THE NEV FILTER," he said. "I urge all obedient Facebook slaves to join this group immediately."

"I would also like to take this opportunity to point out that, filthy rich as we are from our lucrative advertising revenues, Facebook has no plans to force users to pay £14.99 or £3.99, or indeed to receive a sharp stick up the arse," he added. "Since that's just what we would say, isn't it, that should keep those fucktard-magnet groups ticking along nicely."

So far the Nev Filter has blatantly refused to honour its obligation to spread the viral wares of the legitimate spammers of the world, by stubbornly refusing to cut and paste a segment of incomprehensible Javascript.

"I appreciate that I am completely out of touch with the laid-back, trusting youth of today," admitted Neville Shite, the blogger who is now Facebook Enemy Number 1. "But when somebody promises me a free Dell laptop or a desperately-needed Dislike button in return for simply spamming 20 of my friends or hacking my own account, a little alarm bell goes off in the back of my devious, suspicion-riddled mind."

"I even started a group called 'u no i think ther may b bad ppl out ther'," he added. "Needless to say, within minutes a million hollow-eyed robots promptly joined it, and just as promptly forgot all about it. Go figure."

Chronic Masturbators Inundate Manchester Airport With Speculative Job Applications

The Human Resources staff at Manchester Airport are inundated with emailed CVs and oddly-stained letters of application for the unadvertised post of X-Ray Scanner Operator, after the airport began trials of a revolutionary new device which allows security staff to look through passengers' clothes and check them for genitals.

"There is no way that images of naked people could possibly be considered pornographic," sniffed Sarah Barrett, the airport's head of customer humiliation. "The very suggestion disgusts me to the core. Anyway, it is a matter of public record that every single individual who works in the security sector is an unimpeachable paragon of virtue, and a churchwarden to boot. And of course, like all public-sector IT systems, the computer attached to the X-ray device is utterly secure. There is no way that anyone could, for example, simply plug in a USB stick and upload thousands of nude photos onto the internet."

"I seriously doubt that anyone in the world could be remotely interested in polluting their immortal soul by looking at the human body in all its revolting, shameful detail," she continued. "And besides, I know for a fact that the internet is rigorously policed by elderly spinsters who delete anything that offends their sensibilities as soon as it's posted. Now if you'll excuse me, I must go for a shower before the water heats up to room temperature."

At Terminal 2, where the system has recently been introduced, passengers can choose to have their intimate privacy violated by the device - which displays an image of their wallets, piercings, breast implants and privates - or, if they prefer, strip off completely and board their flights buck naked.

"Dear God, somebody help me tear my eyes out," begged a scanner operative, as another coachload of well-fed retirees waddled in for their winter flight to Spain.

Tory Health Spokesman Asks: If You Can't Trust Microsoft With Your Medical Records, Who Can You Trust?

A Conservative government would post your medical records on the internet and bombard your inbox with offers for fake Viagra, according to shadow health secretary Angela Lansbury.

"How could anyone have anything to fear from your confidential personal health data being hosted by Microsoft or Google?" he asked, as interviewer Andrew Marr accompanied him with his iconic trademark guitar chords this morning. "They will be totally secure. Using your surname as your user ID and your mother's maiden name as your password, what can possibly go wrong?"

Online sales of Love Hearts masquerading as erection pills could bring billions of pounds into the coffers of the NHS, he added.

Mr Lansbury was also quick to pour scorn on rumours that the Tory front bench was planning to increase the rate of VAT to 20% when they are elected.

"This old wives' tale has been doing the rounds in the media," he laughed. "Let me state quite categorically for the record: it's not 20%."

Secret Agent's Data Has Been Removed, Promises Cat-Stroking Facebook Boss

Britain's security has been fatally compromised and we can expect to fall into the clutches of SPECTRE by Tuesday afternoon, warned Tory MP Patrick Mercer, the chairman of the parliamentary Counter-Terrorism Sub-Committee, after potential details of Agent 007 appeared on the social networking site Facebook.

According to the information posted by Commander James Bond's 7,625 former girlfriends, seduced femmes fatales, one-night stands and car-park quickies, Britain's top superspy drinks dry Martinis, wears dozens of expensive watches and drives very fast cars.

"This highly-sensitive data would be invaluable to the enemies of freedom," quavered a trembling Mr Mercer. "We are desperately trying to track down every woman whom Commander Bond has ever fondled, groped or poked."

"As you can imagine, the task is a formidable one," he added.

Facebook's creator and chief executive has, however, been quick to reassure the Secret Service that the top-secret posts have already been removed from public display.

"There is nothing whatsoever to worry about," said Ernst Stavro Blofeld. "The weak, vulnerable British government can trust us to locate and destroy any information which might be used to contribute to Agent 007's downfall. Facebook has built a very big data shredder, the like of which the world has never seen, in our headquarters inside a hollowed-out volcanic island - and I would like to cordially invite Mr Bond to come and inspect it for himself at close quarters."

The last occurrence of a security breach of similar magnitude took place in 1979, when spymaster M was on the receiving end of a well-mixed molotov - despite being equipped with an ingenious boogie-capable suitcase - as a direct consequence of talking about pop musik in New York, London, Paris and Munich.

Loss of Identity

The recently-appointed home secretary, Alan Johnson, has confirmed that the government will not be forcing ordinary, decent British people to carry ID cards, but promised that they would still be imposed on evil, moustachio-twirling foreigners.

"Some might think that this was the perfect opportunity to save the country an absolute bloody fortune in the costs of developing an ID card scheme," he told a hastily-convened press conference in the airing cupboard of the Home Office. "Unfortunately, if there's one thing these useless software companies can do right, it's writing a watertight contract with eye-watering penalty clauses for cancellation."

"Since we're stuck with a bloody useless database regardless, we figured it would be a shame to waste it," he continued. "So we thought how well it would read in the tabloids if we just inflicted it on foreigners - who, as we all know, are the real problem facing Britain today and in the future."

"And the beauty of it is that you won't read about all the inevitable cock-ups in the papers," he added. "Well, not the British ones, anyway."

Nothing Sinister in Keeping Records of Law-Abiding Citizens Who Happen To Disagree With Government, Says Friendly Smiling Bobby With Taser

Britain's police forces have set up a database which stores images and personal details of thousands of political activists, demonstrators and journalists for up to seven years, according to the Guardian.

Civil liberties campaigners argue that the database may be in breach of the Data Protection Act and Article 8 of the Human Rights Act.

A spokesman for the Metropolitan Police - which pioneered the surveillance of protests - told a press conference that he knew where they all lived, before assuring them that the database was merely intended to improve community relations.

"Picture this everyday scenario," he said. "You've left your house in a bit of a rush, and you find yourself without a watch, mobile phone, laptop or Blackberry. The clock in your car's dashboard is flashing a row of zeroes at you, the radio only picks up stations in foreign languages and you live in a county where there are no public clocks.

"You see a Police Community Support Officer further along the road, merrily joshing with some local ragamuffins, so you pull up and ask him for the time. Wouldn't it add that personal touch if he told you, 'Certainly, Mr Smith of 12 Acacia Avenue, it's 0837 hours - and if you turn left at the lights and take the B302 route you'll be just in time for your interview with the green-custard inventor, Leila Deen. She's running a bit late herself actually, so you've got a bit of time to spare. Drive safely now, sir, you wouldn't want to crash into a lorry from Mugabe Removals now, would you?'"

"Of course, you might have every reason to worry about this," he added, "If you had the misfortune to live in some ramshackle third-world country run by an unelected control freak who was obsessed with secrecy, where everyone was treated as a potential criminal and the police were incompetent, swaggering thugs who knew they'd never be prosecuted for slaughtering innocent people."

'Use Our Leaky, Rotten Browser Or Face The Consequences', Microsoft tells Web Users

Computer software giant Microsoft has urged net users to ignore the advice of internet security experts, who have strongly urged people to use alternatives to  Internet Explorer until Microsoft pull their fingers out of their arses and get around to fixing the browser's latest security flaw.

The latest in a never-ending catalogue of security breaches is said to mainly affect IE7, though Microsoft admitted that all versions were at risk from a trojan virus which - as usual - exploits yet another undocumented flaw in the browser to steal the user's passwords.

"Our research shows that the majority of PC owners are sheep-like morons who automatically use Internet Explorer without thinking, thanks to our highly-successful policies of filling schools with our heavily-discounted software and bribing the media with freebies to write cheerily uncritical puff-pieces on our product launches," said a Microsoft spokesman. "However, some smart-arsed heretics out there use rebel browsers like Firefox and Chrome, which aren't illegal but should be. Our constant fear is that one day the world will wake up and realise that non-Microsoft products might actually be as good as - or indeed better than - ours. Now here's God - and I warn you, he's not happy."

The scowling face of Bill Gates then appeared on every screen in the world to tell web users that their personal details were already common knowledge to dodgy computer frauds, and that if any disloyal traitor should use a non-Microsoft browser and subsequently wake up one morning to find their hard drive mysteriously full of underage porn and their house full of insane vigilantes wielding meat-cleavers, he certainly wouldn't lose any sleep over it.

Net Fraudsters Finally Target Smug Mac Users

Apple users are being told to install anti-virus software, in the wake of increasing online attacks directed against Mac users.

“Until recently, Mac owners could laugh at the plight of lowly, common Windows users and their constant battle against cyber-criminals,” said an Apple spokesman. “However, it seems that the world has finally had all it can take of Mac users’ insufferable smugness. Even previously law-abiding net users are feverishly writing viruses that will wrest control of a Mac and write “Wanker” all over the screen.”

Apple are recommending McAfee VirusScan and Norton Anti-Virus to their army of self-satisfied customers.

“These security programs cost way over the odds, just like your Macbook did - so don’t worry, you can still sneer at your scummy, proletarian PC-owning friends who are so unspeakably poor that they have to rely on charity handouts of free anti-virus software like AVG,” said the spokesman. “We would also like to reassure our discerning, creative users that we are working day and night on launching a dinky little lapbook Mac, because we realise how galling it must be for you to have some chavvy underling banging on about how their stylish little ultra-portable that runs on Windows or even - ugh - Linux makes your treasured MacBook Air look like a ruddy great, overpriced brick.”

The Last Straw

The Justice Secretary, Jack Straw, is facing further embarrassment after leaked details suggested that the Ministry of Justice staff outing last month turned out to be an utter fiasco.

Every year the hard-working civil servants are traditionally rewarded with a day at a brewery. However, the trip began badly when managers discovered that the USB stick holding all the invitations had been lost by the private contractor responsible for designing the document. The matter was further complicated when the staff list was found to have been stored on a removable hard drive which was accidentally left on a train. Only after frantic calls to Lost Property departments at stations all over London was the drive returned to the ministry in the nick of time.

Organisers then learned that the laptop with AutoRoute Express on it had been sold on eBay for a fiver, forcing them to stop and ask passers-by for directions to the brewery. When they eventually arrived, an hour later than scheduled, the thirsty staff discovered that a temp had mistakenly booked them into a different brewery on the other side of London. After a detour to somebody’s house to pick up a sat-nav, the hapless workforce finally arrived at the right venue – where anger turned to fury when they discovered that the brewers were closing up for the night.

At this point it was realised that - perhaps fortunately, under the circumstances - the Justice Secretary had been left behind in his office.

The dismal outing was finally abandoned at two in the morning - but, thanks to their minibus running out of petrol because nobody seemed to have the departmental credit card, several disgruntled and sober workers were forced to make their own way home using night buses and taxis.

Mr Straw, meanwhile, was said to have been baffled to wake up from his afternoon nap to find the Ministry of Justice completely deserted, and only found out about the brewery trip when in desperation he rang his private secretary’s office and heard about it on the answering machine.

“Why did nobody in the department tell me about this? It makes me look like a complete fool,” he fumed to reporters while ringing repeatedly on the 10 Downing Street doorbell yesterday morning - sadly unaware that the cabinet was in fact meeting in Birmingham.

Profit and Data Loss

Following yet another security lapse - in which a computer sold on eBay was found to contain the financial details of a million Royal Bank of Scotland and NatWest customers - the government has announced that computers are to be banned in Britain as of midnight.

“This data is only of use if anyone has the technology to read it,” said a Home Office spokesman with a current account balance of £872.94, a £450,000 mortgage with 204 months to run and a total credit card debt of £5,022.48, and whose mother’s maiden name was Watson. “So anyone who has not handed their computer into the local police station by midnight will be looking at a five-year stretch, minimum. If nobody has a computer, it doesn’t matter how many lost CD-Rs, hard drives and memory sticks are floating around, does it? Job done.”

He stressed that companies and government departments would not be affected by the ban, as these were highly reputable organisations which could be trusted with information of a sensitive nature. However, he added, all debit and credit cards should be handed in as well in order to prevent unauthorised account access.

“From now on, people will enjoy complete peace of mind as they collect their cash in person from the bank’s cashiers,” he explained, “Provided they take along their solicitor, doctor or local vicar to verify their identity.”

When asked about the risk from fraudsters overseas, the spokesman laughed and said that the government understood that computer technology was unknown in other countries.