Saturday, 2 June 2012

Bishop Of London Appalled Yet Strangely Fascinated By The Jeremy Kyle Show

The Rt Rev Richard Chartreuse, the Bishop of London, has launched a devastating critique of Britain’s moral collapse, after religiously watching The Jeremy Kyle Show ever since its first outbreak in 2005.

“As we celebrate the Jubilee of our justly popular monarch, we have an opportunity to ask some wider questions in the spirit of Jubilee, to pause, look back and ask where we are as a nation, and where we are going,” the prominent churchman writes in a Bible Society pamphlet which he has faithfully posted to every MP and the Daily Mail. “Down the blooming khazi, I reckon.”

“Promiscuity, separation and divorce have reached epidemic proportions in our society, where it is now considered quite the done thing to impregnate your sister-in-law whilst stealing money from the baby you swear isn’t yours in order to support your drug addiction, then blame everything on your alcoholic mother,” he explained, adding: “One simply never heard of such things 60 years ago, when the Queen ascended to the throne and I was 4.”

The C of E bishop went on to suggest that the Jubilee could be used to “focus on hope” and “reset” the nation like a big wonky computer.

Maybe it's not such a bad idea after all
“Lacking any credible narrative as I am, what Britain desperately needs is a Lizzie & Phil Show,” he opined gravely. “I’m sure Prince Philip would jump at the chance to drown out his wife’s subjects by reminding them whose names are on the wall before abruptly ordering them out of his sight, directing them to a circular antechamber in which Her Majesty would kindly offer them her expert guidance based on 86 years of automatic moral superiority.”

When reminded of the exemplary relationships of Prince Charles, Princess Anne and Prince Andrew, Dr Chartreuse turned and said: “Coming up: Jesus tells a feckless waster who has never done a proper day’s work in his life to stop sitting on his fat arse all day long in front of the telly, and go and do something useful for once.”

He then solemnly held up a placard extolling the irrestistible simplicity of online bingo, and regretted that he was right out of time, quite out of touch and might be from outer space.

Friday, 1 June 2012

Heartwarming Royal Movies Show Queen Not Wearing Crown In Spare Time

Mrs W was always joking with chums about cheese rationing
In astonishing home-movie footage to be presented by Prince Charles this evening, his mother’s grovelling subjects will learn that – just like every humble commoner – the Queen generally prefers not to wear a crown on her days off.

The doting public will be delighted to see, for the first time, their unpretentiously egalitarian monarch doing all the mundane things every ordinary 50s wife and mum used to do – lifting her feet obligingly whilst the servants hand-wash the Axminster, filming in the palace gardens with an industry-standard movie camera, and indulgently asking her children: “Who are you?” and “Have you come far?”

In a particularly touching highlight of the priceless archive which reveals just how much times have changed during Her Majesty’s 60-year reign, loyal serfs will be deeply moved to see the young Queen laughing as she pushes Prince Charles out of the frame.

Lords Of The Admiralty, Emma And The Queen Mum Conspired Darkly Against Punk Festival, Claim Anarcho-Organisers

Fans of punk music left disappointed and out-of-pocket by the last-minute cancellation of Bath’s ‘Last Jubilee’ festival this weekend have been told by organisers Bellsonit Non-Events that dark forces of authority – rumoured to be an unholy alliance of the Five Sea Lords, genteel fictional character Emma Woodhouse and the late Queen Mother – secretly conspired to prevent the dog-on-a-string event which undoubtedly threatened to tear down the entire rotten edifice of state authority.

You wanted anarchy - you got anarchy
“Using SO-CALLED health and safety LEGISLATION whose ‘legitimacy’ we, naturally, do not recognise,” Bellsonit posted on their website, “Dark ESTABLISHMENT figures on the COUNCIL made ridiculous claims like ‘well, that’ll be nice’ and pathetic DEMANDS such as ‘if you need any advice, give our helpline a ring’ which were clearly intended to MAKE US forget to sign any contracts, which incidentally are designed solely to reinforce BLIND OBEDIENCE to artificial HIERARCHIES, or pay anyone with evil CRAPitalist tokens of OPPRESSION.”

Bemused officers at Bath & North East Somerset Council, meanwhile, have expressed a keen interest in seeing the Cancellation Notice the organisers insist was served on them by the local authority, as they have never seen one before because there is no such thing.

“To say we are out of pocket is a massive understatement,” Bellsonit told thousands of irate fans, who have handed over up to £125 each for a ticket.

Their website was subsequently updated, replacing the word ‘understatement’ with ‘porky’.

Thursday, 31 May 2012

Liberian War Criminal Taylor ‘Refers Himself’ To Prison For 50 Years

Nagging Golf Enthusiasts To Strike For God-Given Right To World’s Best Pensions

The contemptuous prick who lounges behind a desk for an hour or two every morning, ordering you to stop doing everything that gives you pleasure before roaring off for an agreeable afternoon out on the links, will be enjoying an extra round on June 21st because somebody, somewhere, is due for an even bigger pension than him, according to an open letter written by his gang.

St Mellion's fees are a tad dearer than your Age UK day centre, remember
“Listen, scum,” the BMA explained in every newspaper, “The founding principle of the National Health Service, according to no less an authority than that ghastly little Bevan twerp, is that our mouths should be stuffed with gold. The thought that anybody else might get more cash bunged their way, when they retire to Cornwall, than we will fills Britain’s hardworking doctors – and all the rest of us, too - with a deep-rooted moral sense of injustice, indignation and envy. Now for god’s sake stop smoking, you fat bastard. Get out, you disgust me.”

In a heartwarming gesture of goodwill towards the ignorant proles whose taxes rightly line their pockets, GPs promised that the humble lackeys who do all the tedious parts of the job - which would otherwise involve getting up from their expensive swivel chairs and actually touching poor people and their odious bodily fluids – will, naturally, not be permitted to take a day off.

“And if your stupid, ugly head falls off or whatever, don’t shit yourself,” added a BMA spokesman with a yawn, as he practiced his swing. “We’ve hired the usual foreign johnny to prod your flabby guts and scribble you a chit for two weeks’ worth of Prozac.”

Wednesday, 30 May 2012

Public Should Stop Being Shallow, Judgemental Fuckwits, Say No MPs

This is what a healthy child should look like
The British public should grow up and stop judging everyone according to their waistlines, according to a controversial report which exists only in the minds of the MPs on the All-Party Parliamentary Group on Body Image, none of whom wants to commit political suicide by telling Britain a few home truths.

Instead, they have opted to blame the media as usual, dump the problem on overworked teachers and expect them to sort it all out, said hamster-cheeked chairwoman Jo Swinson MP.

“Tragic social afflictions ranging from low self-esteem to fatal eating disorders should definitely be laid solely at the door of the fashion industry,” blubbered the double-chinned chubster. “It’s really not about your NHS-funded GP telling you ‘Lose the flab or die, you disgusting fat fuck’ every time you go in for your travel jabs. And it certainly has nothing to do with the average voter being a petty-minded fucktard whose corrosive spite ultimately harms them and their own loved ones as much as everyone else on whom they pass their spectacularly ignorant snap judgements.”

The committee will now pretend to focus its attention on dreaming up a new, inoffensive way to tell you how disgusting you all look.

“It seems that ‘fat’, ‘obese’, ‘overweight’ and ‘Christ, look at the state of you’ have somehow acquired negative connotations,” snapped a pinch-faced GP, in whose mind everyone can and should look like Kate Moss and all smokers are equivalent to the Moors Murderers. “I’m already looking forward to reducing ‘cuddly’ to a gratuitous term of abuse hurled from the windows of passing Astras.”

Milburn Strangely Silent On Eton Alumni Seeking Glittering Careers In Call Centres

Puzzled ministers are today rechecking government advisor Alan Milburn’s progress report on social mobility, amidst concerns that a key section on downward mobility may have been inadvertently omitted due to a printing error.

I say, do get those call-time averages down, chaps
“There’s chapter after chapter bemoaning the continued reluctance of employers in the fields of law, medicine and journalism to recruit the brightest chavs directly from their inner-city sink battlezones,” exclaimed baffled employment minister Chris Grayling. “Yet I can’t seem to find a single pie chart showing any rise in public-school entry into the hallowed ranks of cold-calling professionals.”

Mr Milburn is strangely short on detail, too, regarding the number of bankers’ sons and daughters planning a meteoric rise through retail display logistics, cherry-picking the most lucrative apprenticeships in boiler maintenance or rushing to enlist in the infantry.

“I’m quite sure that Mr Milburn must have plenty to say about the main political parties, concerning the tragically ongoing shortage of MPs who have ever done an day’s honest toil in their lives, considering that he used to be a postman himself,” sneered a top Whitehall mandarin. “Perhaps he delivered that bit to the wrong printers.”

Tuesday, 29 May 2012

‘What The Hell Do You Think You’re Playing At?’ Former Murdoch Hack Asks Leveson

Education secretary and, coincidentally, former News International hack Michael Gove today accused the Leveson Inquiry of being nothing but a disgraceful waste of time and money, motivated purely by spite and probably orchestrated by the Socialist Workers’ Party.

This berk belongs to Rupert Murdoch
“I am unashamedly on the side of the great god Murdoch, one of the most significant figures in our planet’s history, who says we should think very carefully before crossing him,” grovelled Mr Gove impassionedly.

“The predictable moan of ‘Something must be done about untouchable media moguls’ corrupt lackeys riding a coach and horses over the rights of ordinary members of the public on an industrial scale, with the connivance of our institutionally corrupt police forces’ often leads to people doing something which isn't always wise,” he continued reverently, kneeling before a shrine featuring the last edition of the News Of The World. “Like this jumped-up kangaroo court, for example.”

Quivering with righteous indignation, Mr Gove then leapt to his feet, pointed an accusing finger at Lord Leveson and demanded: “Why don’t you go home and do something with your life, Trotsky, instead of harassing a poor defenceless old man? Something must be done about you.”

Nobody Threatening To Kill Anyone For Wanting $100k Handbag

After receiving death threats for hacking a $100,000 Hermes Birkin handbag apart with a chainsaw and setting fire to it on her reality TV show, Clint Eastwood’s daughter Franscesca says she is still no closer to discovering why nobody has been marked for death for wanting to waste $100,000 on one in the first place.

Hoo-ee, gals, we's gonna have us a lynchin'!
“Ma paw blowed millions to keep Sondra Locke a-hangin’ on his arm, but wun’t nobody tol’ him he was gonna die for it,” pouted the 18-year-old model. “An’ hell, she could be -and was - comprehensively out-acted by a goddam gibberin’ monkey. Reckon them death threats is a-comin’ from jealous Hermes customers who done staked their claim on these here bags an’ are still waitin’ on a delivery.”

Mr Eastwood, meanwhile, vowed to track down the low-down dirty scum who threatened his purty daughter and bring them to justice.

“I know what you’re thinking,” he sneered. “Being as this is a $100k Hermes, the most power-dressing handbag in the world, and would blow your neighbours clean away, you've got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel needy? Well, do ya, punk?”