Tuesday, 8 December 2009

138 Million More Pigs Using Heathrow Every Year Won't Affect Environment, Say Climate Change Experts

Europe's prime ministers and presidents are said to be planning to surround Gordon Brown with 'wanker' hand gestures when they all get together next week for the usual media photo opportunity at the Copenhagen climate summit, on hearing that Britain would be going ahead with plans to add a third runway to Heathrow Airport just as Mr Brown was telling the rest of Europe to cut down on its carbon emissions.

The British government's Committee On Climate Change today announced that adding an extra 50% capacity to Europe's busiest airport would not harm the country's carbon targets at all. The independent committee was set up to advise the government on climate policy, and includes internationally-recognised authorities of the calibre of Lord Airbus, Mr Ryan Air and American environmental campaigner Bo E. Ing.

"The ignorant layman might think that several hundred more flights a day, each spewing out burnt hydrocarbons by the tonne, might have some detrimental effect on Britain's pollution levels," said Lord Airbus. "But it will be entirely feasible to compensate for this small increase in the nation's carbon footprint, for example by merely turning off all domestic electricity and gas supplies."

"And banning cars," he added.

"The committee recognises that the necessary adjustments might meet with resistance from some quarters," he explained, "But it's not our fault if selfish individuals want heat and light as well as citybreak weekends and two weeks in Florida. We were asked to come up with an excuse for allowing Heathrow to swallow up even more of the south east, and that's exactly what we've done."

Meanwhile, European leaders are somewhat miffed with the British PM for lecturing them on the need to cut their greenhouse emissions, whilst blithely increasing his own.

"Eet ees not unlike a man wiz diarrhoea getting on ze bus, dropping 'is trousers and pebbledashing 'is fellow passengers wiz ze terrible stinky shit, zen telling zem zey could really use a bath," said French PM Nicolas Sarkozy angrily.

German chancellor Angela Merkel agreed, promising: "Ven ze hypocritical bastard Brown stands up to spout his usual hot air, ze room vill be filled mit ze sound of all ze other delegates coughing 'Wanker!' into ze microphones."

Meanwhile, President Obama is reported to be tickled pink that, for once, the circled-finger-and-thumb of blame will not be waved at the United States. White House sources indicate that he has been busy practicing the gesture himself, with the aid of a portrait of his predecessor in the Oval office.

Monday, 7 December 2009

'All My Medals Are Genuine,' Insists Remembrance Day Marcher Who Isn't

Roger Day, the 61-year-old man who marched in a Remembrance Day parade wearing medals covering a period from the Battle of Waterloo to the Dalek Invasion of Earth 2150AD insisted today that, as a bona fide member of the SAS, he was absolutely entitled to each medal and had the receipts to prove it.

"I could tell you how I managed to fight in World War Two, despite being born three years after it ended," Mr Day told a Sun reporter, as he polished his genuine Swiss Army penknife. "But then, of course, I'd have to kill you."

"I strangled a man with my own pubes once," he added darkly.

Mr Day denied that, instead of a regimental tie, he marched wearing a gaudy monstrosity from Marks and Spencer.

"The abstract swirl of colours denotes that famous unit of Kitchener's army, the Artists' Rifles," he insisted, whilst cleaning his authentic First World War cycling mask. "It was a privilege to serve in the trenches alongside men of the calibre of 'Sharky' Hirst, 'Stinker' Emin and 'Banksy' Banksy."

Britain's greatest war hero also denied that he fled the march after being challenged about his 21 medals by a real veteran.

"I saw the parade out to its bitter, bloody end," he claimed, while he stripped and reassembled his plastic BB gun. "Then I went for a victory drink with my old SAS pal, Andy McNab. Of course, he'll deny it, even if you torture him by telling him his books are shite. It's all part of our training."

MrMcNab did indeed refute all knowledge of Mr Day, saying: "This is an insult to the brave men and women who have served in our armed forces. Roger Day is not the first to do this sort of thing. And unfortunately he will not be the last."

"Well, there you are, just as I told you. What more proof do you need?" crowed Mr Day triumphantly. Before the reporter could ask him the colour of the boat shed at Hereford Barracks, however, Mr Day leapt into his metallic-camouflaged 7th Armoured Division Mahindra Jeep and drove off to pick up his wife, the Celtic warrior queen Boudicca.

Depression Victims To Be Dragged Back To Depressing Jobs

The government today launched an exciting new mental health initiative, which aims to force people suffering from depression back to the godawful jobs that caused their depression in the first place.

"Each Jobcentre will pick a junior member of staff they don't like much, and give him or her a big, colourful badge describing them as a 'mental health co-ordinator'," said Health Secretary Andy Fuckham. "Their role will be to work with employers, at a local level, to encourage their stressed-out staff back to work by sending private detectives to spy on them and report any moments during the day when the skivers are not actively crying, banging their heads against a wall or decorating their arms with a Stanley knife."

When the depressed worker is hauled back, employers will be taught to smack them on the back of the head whenever they find them staring hopelessly into space, while their fellow employees will be encouraged to help them overcome their mental trauma by telling them to "Smile, you miserable bugger, it might never happen", 'Oh, for Christ's sake pull yourself together" and "You think you've got problems? The heel came off one of my favourite shoes yesterday, but you don't see me making a song and dance about it."

"One in six people has a mental health problem nowadays," said Mr Fuckham. "So our policy is also going to focus on prevention, by tackling the things that cause depression in the first place. In about six months, for example, we will be calling a general election. That should make a lot of people happy, at least for a while."

Sunday, 6 December 2009

Survey Shows Nobody Is To Blame For Anything

Almost half of the British public believe that nothing is their fault and you can't pin it on them, according to a Sunday Telegraph poll taken on the eve of the Copenhagen conference on climate change.

While 58% said they believed climate change to be one of the most serious issues facing the world and 23% claiming it to be the most important, 48% of those surveyed said they did not believe it to be man-made. Instead they selected a range of culprits, including solar wonkiness, bovine farting competitions, lazy trees not doing their job properly and the actions of a jealous, vengeful God.

"Whatever is causing this impeding catastrophe, it certainly isn't my Merc ML550 4MATIC belching out four tonnes of carbon dioxide and nitrous oxide a year," said Telegraph reader Rob Blind. "Nor is it anything to do with the two tonnes of carbon generated by my annual holidays to Thailand and the Seychelles and quarterly citybreaks around Europe. And it definitely has no connection whatsoever to the 47 million tonnes of carbon spewed out by UK power stations so we can all keep our houses as hot as a sauna all year round."

"There's absolutely no connection to the fact that all of the luxury consumer goods I get bored with every two years are shipped halfway around the world because we don't make anything in Britain any more, either," he added. "So don't try to nail me on that, matey."

Mr Blind went on to explain that it was a bit like trying to blame his insistence on cheap, readily available food and clothing for poverty in the third world.

"Look, this coffee says 'Fairtrade' on the label," he pointed out angrily. "That means some bloody farmer in Ethiopia is probably earning more than I do. And if you can show me a decent tennis shoe made in this country, I'll buy it. As long as it's under £80 a pair, obviously. I'm not made of money."

"My conscience is clear," he added. "Or it would be, if I had one."

Queen To Go Rambo On Paparazzi

After years of intrusive hounding by the press, the Queen has declared war on the paparazzi in a threatening note pinned to a corgi's head and circulated to all newspaper editors by a tear-streaked freelance photographer with a Canon EF 800mm f/5.6 L IS USM wedged inside his rectum.

In the note, Her Royal Highness promises that the next long-lens photographer she catches skulking around the royal estates will be flushed out, run down and crushed under the wheels of her Range Rover.

"And you can't do me for it, neither," added Her Majesty. "I'm the bloody Queen, remember? The army, navy, marines, RAF and the police have all sworn oaths of loyalty to me. If you want to see me in the dock, you'll have to come through them first. Know what I mean?"

Gloucestershire residents say that the Princess Royal has been spotted charging around the lanes near Gatcombe Park on horseback, lopping off overhanging branches with a cavalry sabre, while Prince Charles is said to be looking for authentic medieval cannon which will harmonise with the architecture of Windsor Castle

Meanwhile, unconfirmed reports suggest that Princes William and Harry have already signed out an Apache helicopter gunship to cover the royal family's traditional Christmas visit to Sandringham, while Prince Andrew has been seen overflying Balmoral in a Huey with the Duke of Edinburgh leaning out of the passenger compartment with a Minigun.

A Buckingham Palace spokesman told reporters, "Nobody fucks with the Royal Family," before blowing them away with a grenade launcher.