Gove To Send Red-Covered Wall Map Of British Empire To Every School

Britain’s schools are to be reset to 1951, education secretary Michael Gove announced today in assembly.

Showing off the black gown and leather-elbowed tweed jacket uniform which all teachers will be required to wear, Mr Gove outlined the reintroduction of O-levels, sums, daily beatings, copying out entire chapters from textbooks and a big wallmap in every classroom showing the glorious extent of the British Empire in red.

Wrong. Guess again

In addition, no pupil will be allowed to leave school until they have displayed full mastery of copperplate script – written with a dip pen held, as God intended, in their right hand.

Builders have already appeared in every school playground this morning, cementing newly-redundant computers together to form walls in the middle of playgrounds which will keep boys and girls segregated. The computers are being replaced by manual typewriters, which are to be reserved for the sole use of the brightest girls in the sixth form, and pupils will be expected to spend their brief lunch breaks smoking furtively in the toilets.

Mr Gove also revealed plans to reintroduce bullying, which he described as a “character-building” preparation for the rest of their lives.

Primary School Grammar And Spelling Lessons To Be Enforced Retroactively

Unemployment will soon be abolished at a stroke, say Britain’s cock-a-hoop grammar Nazis, as education secretary Michael Gove announced plans not only to make primary-school pupils competent in both spelling and grammar, but also to apply the requirement retroactively to everyone under the age of 65.

“Faced with the Sisyphean task of mastering the apostrophe, the entire social networking generation, hordes of vehemently (look it up) self-diagnosed dyslexics and a legion of poetry slammers could be looking at a lifetime of hard labour,” smirked the authoritarian leader of the feared linguistic police - known to his admiring minions as the Grammar Hitler.

I'll give you "Sir is a looser", Mrs Thompson

“Think not merely in terms of our emptied Jobcentres; think, too, of the millions of freshly-vacated jobs available to those of us acquainted with the homonym and the semi-colon once the nation’s semi-literate dullards have been forced out of work and into very small chairs,” he shrieked. “Indeed, Mr Gove might want to make an early start on the teaching profession, I might add, with a punitive remedial category for the ones who bleat about ‘stifling creativity’.”

Under the education secretary’s master plan, after two futile years of struggling to comprehend their native language, the hapless returners will face the nightmare of having to learn a foreign language - possibly the dreaded polysyllabic horror known as German.

“My scheme will, of course, undergo a rigorous public consultation before the planned implementation date of 2014,” beamed Mr Gove, resplendent in the black uniform of a Sturmbanngrammatiker. “That shouldn’t be a problem, though; only submissions which are 100% correct will be considered.”

Graduates Worth More To Economy, Insist Graduates

Each and every graduate - even the thick ones with degrees in Sport History or Art Management - adds squillions to the wealth of the UK, according to a report published today by people with degrees in Data Entry.

“The raw statistics speak for themselves,” said Jim Spreadsheet of the Institute For Public Policy Research. “Graduates earn £180,000 extra over their lifetimes, for a cost to the state of just £18,800 per degree. It stands to reason, therefore, that the more people with degrees, the better for the entire country. Look, here’s a simple sum which proves it.”

Excel can do this! Who knew?

When asked for the graph showing the actual distribution of graduate earnings, however, Mr Spreadsheet angrily accused the Nev Filter of sneering at the miraculous achievements of billions of hardworking young people, all of whom have successfully risen from underprivileged backgrounds to lead the world in their chosen fields, such as surfboard care and management.

“If everyone in Britain had a degree,” he insisted, to cheers from the lecturers’ union which commissioned the PR, “This would be the richest country in the world. Stands to reason.”

Teachers Send Stern Letter To Ofsted’s Parents

School heads have written to Ofsted’s parents warning that, after spotting telltale signs of plagiarism in two of the inspection body’s reports, they will accept only handwritten submissions in future.

Wilshaw Senior has attacked teachers before

“When teachers compared reports handed into Belvedere Junior School in Kent and East London’s Malmesbury Primary School, it was immediately obvious that whole chunks criticising our pupils’ reading, writing and maths skills had simply been cut and pasted,” said Russell Hobby, general secretary of the National Association of Head Teachers.

“No doubt Ofsted thinks slacking off is big and clever," he added, shaking his head sadly, "But such behaviour not only lets the school and its pupils down - it lets Ofsted down. And Ofsted needs to think long and hard about that.”

Ofsted’s dad, Sir Michael Wilshaw, screwed the letter up and went mental. He was soon standing outside the NAHT offices with a baseball bat, yelling: “Oi, wanka! Y’ fink yer so fackin’ big, pickin’ on poor defenceless little inspectas, do ya? Gitcha arse dahn ‘ere, y’ fackin’ paedo bastud!”

Ofsted To Teach Heads Real Meaning Of Stress By Arming Pupils With AK47s, Rocket Launchers, Explosives

The head of schools inspectorate Ofsted has scoffed at teachers’ claims that their jobs are stressful - reminding them that his granddad spent four years down a hole in France with the Imperial German Army lobbing 50,000 shells a day at him, yet woke up screaming just once a week for the rest of his life.

In the old days, Sir Michael would have had the blighters shot

“Our brave lads in Afghanistan can tell these whining civilian blackboard-wallahs a thing or two about stress, dammit,” roared General Sir Michael Wilshaw, as he infiltrated a school playground in Wolverhampton.

“Right-o, chaps, gather round and I’ll put you in the picture,” he explained crisply. “Miss Chalmers, the flat-chested head of humanities, has been sent to patrol the Low Hill estate in her Fiesta, with ‘Dorky’ Dawson the art assistant riding shotgun. They’re in your homeland, and they’ve got no bally business there. What are you chaps going to do about that, eh?”

As hordes of latchkey kids enthusiastically looted Sir Michael’s arms dump, the outspoken chief of school inspectors insisted that the impending massacre would “toughen these gutless teacher johnnies up, put some bloody backbone into them and make them jolly proud to be in the front line and serving their country, what?”

Catholic Leader Suddenly Discovers Keen Interest In Something Other Than Sex

Just as education secretary Michael Gove orders an investigation into whether Catholic schools acted illegally in urging pupils to sign a petition against gay marriage, Cardinal Keith O’Brien - the head of the Catholic church in Scotland - has suddenly found that he is vitally concerned with the welfare of the poor.

How is it fair that some people live like me? demands the Cardinal

“Imagine my surprise when I heard that, in the rare moments when Jesus wasn’t ranting about the evils of bum sex, our Lord and Saviour expressed a passing interest in the less well off,” said the Cardinal. “’My word,’ I thought to myself, ‘That seemed to go down rather well with people. Perhaps I should try going down with people myself.’"

Cardinal O’Brien admitted that, engrossed as he was in saving the world from the awful plight of gay weddings, he had somehow failed to notice that the rich get richer and the poor get - children, and that this had apparently been considered “fun” for quite some time.

“This is, of course, entirely the fault of governments,” he maintained, speaking from his lavish mansion in Edinburgh’s Morningside district. “As a leader of the Catholic church, I positively welcome any measures which encourage people not to breed.”

Researchers ‘Don’t Need Research Skills,’ Say Lapdancers

Researchers no longer need research skills because vice-chancellors prefer academics who are better at ‘hustling’ their university’s name into the tabloids, rather than expanding the frontiers of human understanding, a study has suggested.

University administrators have compensated for falling profits in the academic downturn by demanding more media-friendly sensation from their performers, according to leading frottage specialists Jade and Nikki from Leeds’ prestigious Red Leopard Club. They told the British Sociological Association's annual conference that universities had relaxed standards and increased the fees students pay to dodge the Jobcentre for three years, in order to remain buoyant.

The University of Leeds' peer-review process is well underway

The expert cock-rubbers said: "It was unnecessary to have any intellectual skills whatsoever, let alone the ability to do mathematic tricks with a poll. The core skill necessary shifted from analysis to hustling for column inches."

One PhD student complained about what she said was a fall in standards. She told the lapdancers: "You'd see some girl who wasn't very bright, couldn't study, had a crap degree, making a lot more headlines than you because she was there to hang around ass-pits, not to advance the frontiers of knowledge and be intelligent."

"Overall,” concluded leading tug job authority Nikki, 36D, “There was a consensus that the cost to human knowledge of working in a university was increasing, in order to cover its overheads – such as all those shiny, soon-to-be-redundant PFI halls of residence they’ve scattered across campus on the never-never - and ensure their establishment makes a profit even when its academic reputation is non-existent."

“I can show you an unforgettable in-depth explanation in my private study area round the back of the library if you like, big boy,” she added.

Riot Panel Should Be Fined For Illogicality, Say Schools

Schools have suggested that the Riots, Communities and Victims Panel should be fined for failing to achieve minimum levels of logicality, after years of pent-up rage and anger suddenly exploded today into full-scale disturbances in teachers’ common rooms all over Britain.

A sickening and inexcusable display of violence

“If you can’t produce a reasoned conclusion from a basic premise, what hope is there for you?” yelled a furious deputy head in Croydon, as he filled his breast pocket with board markers from a threadbare stationary cupboard. “Their specious argument that teaching will somehow improve with less funding available just goes to show what little chance these children have of ever making a valuable contribution to society.”

“I blame low expectations,” shouted a masked deputy head in Tottenham. “These slackers know the public expect all of society’s woes to be our fault and nobody else’s. It’s sheer cynical opportunism.”

“That’s two Ps,” he shouted as he grabbed a TV and ran off to show Shakespeare In Love to Year 10. “Look it up.”

Your Children’s Irredeemable Ghastliness Might Possibly Have Something To Do With Yours

The spoilt behaviour, self-obsessed attitudes and impossible expectations of your godawful spawn could conceivably be in some way connected to your spoilt behaviour, self-obsessed attitudes and impossible expectations, Ofsted chief inspector Sir Michael Wilshaw told Britain’s appalling parents – i.e. you - moments before sealing himself inside the well-stocked secret bunker where he will spend the rest of his life avoiding your wrath.

Oh look, it's the latterday Virgin Mary

“It might have helped a bit if you hadn’t appointed Jordan - a walking orange whose tits drip silicates - as the 21st-century equivalent of Dr Benjamin Spock,” he warned sadly. “And perhaps if you hadn’t delegated all responsibility for your offspring’s welfare and development to their poor bloody teachers, the DVD player and a Nintendo DS Lite, they might even consider standing on their own two feet one day, instead of plaguing you with incessant, whining demands until the merciful day that you die. Which, needless to say, they will never forgive you for.”

“But hey, don’t listen to me because I’m only some sort of expert, so what do I know?” Sir Michael added ruefully, as the hatch closed over his head forever. “Whereas you, of course, were born knowing it all.”

Fuck Knows How Many Adults Can’t Add Up, But It’s Shitloads

Nobody has the faintest idea what percentage of the adult population of Britain are functionally innumerate, according to squiggly things that look a bit like wonky letters published today by YouGov - or even what a percentage is, not that it matters – but apparently it’s quite a lot.

Britain thinks it's some kind of code

“It is simply inexcusable for anyone to say 'I can't do maths',” nagged Chris Humphries, chair of newly-launched charity Numeracy Matters. "It doesn't happen in other parts of the world, because other people have assets we simply don’t have in this country - goals, hopes, self-esteem, that sort of thing. It is a peculiarly British disease, which we aim to eradicate by loping along behind you, pushing out our lower lips with our tongues, grunting and slapping our wrists until you do a sum to make us go away.”

The charity hopes to be as successful in raising standards as the National Literacy Trust, with last year’s Skills For Life survey indicating that six out of ten people in England now have “strong” reading and writing skills.

“Christ on a bike. The most cursory glance at Facebook suggests that some dolt at the National Audit Office must have got a decimal point in the wrong place there,” moaned Mr Humphries. “Where the hell do we even begin?”

Pupils Lose Interest In Dickens After Fourth Letter

Explore beyond the Dick, younger readers

Mrs. Tomalin - the lady biographer of Mr. Dickens, the Empire’s leading light of literature and letters – has this-morning bemoaned the standards which prevail among our wayward offspring; telling The Nev Filter: “It is oft said that all our hopes and dreams of advancement in this cruel earthly existence reside in our dear, sweet children. Yet it is my sad duty to inform your readers, that these youths are so abjectly deficient in attention; so lamentably devoid of the Christian virtue of persistence; that even that meagre amusement which they are disposed to take in our greatest living writer, has utterly spent itself even before the fifth letter of his name is read.”

After being revived by a dose of smelling-salts, Mrs. Tomalin ejaculated: “Loving parents! Shield, I implore you, your little ones from the sinful distraction of toys! The kaleid-o-scope may seem to you like a harmless diversion; yet its ever-tumbling shimmer is but a snare for impressionable young minds - a snare from which, once caught, their attention can never flee! Banish also the whipping-top and the hoop-la, I say! The ungodly fever of excitement which they whip up in innocent childish minds, leads inexorably down that sordid alley to pollution of the self. Oh my; I’ve come over so queer.”

Following the opening of a window, a restorative draught was fetched for the stricken lady moralist. After partaking of several glasses, however, Mrs. Tomalin was hastily ejected from the premises of this journal in a most parlous state of moral abandon, having wantonly loosened her stays in the shocked presence of your humble scribe.

Schoolies To Program Next Generation Of Timewasting Shit

Launching a consultation into the future of ICT teaching in Britain’s schools, education secretary Michael Gove proclaimed a vision where, instead of futile wasted years of trying to learn the basics of the English language, the nation’s teenagers will be encouraged to learn a rudimentary programming language instead so they can code the timewasting successors to mind-numbing crap like Furious Moles, Bread Karate and Incontinent Auntie.

Homework innit

“There’s really very little to be gained by merely showing today’s teens how to use Word because, let’s face it, they’re illiterate,” explained Mr Gove. “English, with its onerous grammar, spelling and vocabulary, has now moved far beyond human comprehension. Let’s dream up a rudimentary programming language instead, with a vocabulary comprising just a handful of simple drag-and-drop icons for operations such as GO, PICK UP, HIT, DROP, USE and BANG, so they can create millions of tedious but addictive new apps for your phone.”

Pupils are already bursting with enthusiasm for Mr Gove’s innovative new approach to computing.

“i gots this brillent ideer were its like Scrabo exep them horibo leters is blow up by mere cats,” budding software engineer Sammi-Jo Potts tweeted the Nev Filter. “mum recons shed nevr git a minits work dun eva agen #crapps”.

Key Points Of David Cameron’s New Year Message

He's back. Did you miss him?

1. There are no invisible countries.
2. Fortunately, we’ve lined up some nice distractions for you.
3. Because this year the shit’s really going to hit the fan.
4. If I fiddle with all the broken stuff a bit - the NHS, education, law enforcement, that sort of thing – you never know, I might eventually be able to bodge something together that works. Well, sort of.
5. I’ve found some jolly splendid words in the dictionary to describe how things used to be, back in the good old days.
6. Did I mention the nice shiny things?
7. Never mind. A hundred years from now, none of this will matter.

Emin Made Perfesser Of Drorin

World-renowned manky installation-art slapper Tracey Emin will be on the sauce tonight, London was warned, celebrating her appointment by the Royal Academy as Perfesser of Drorin Stuff N Shit.

The professor is in, but only just

Although Emin initially rose to international fame for her post-modern deconstruction of the outmoded concept of ‘houseproud’, her avant-garde reputation was soon cemented by several inspired piss-artworks she presented on late-night arts discussion programmes. She has also recently dashed off some daubs for the London Olympics, 10 Downing Street’s back loo and the Royal College of Art’s bargain postcard sale.

“Perfesser Tracey’s faux-naïf wielding of a pencil, once she’s worked out which end works best, will inspire a new generation of art students to see just how much they might get away with in the name of self-promotion beyond the call of ability,” explained Eileen Cooper, the new head of the Royal Academy schools. “For example, I myself seem to have got clean away with using this publicity stunt to tell the world how jolly important my appointment is.”

Meanwhile, a delighted Ms Emin blew out a statement, explaining that she was “reely ecsited 2 b teechin agin arfter so many yeers. Larst time i tort sumby sumfin wuz wen i shode my art teetcher how 2 paent wiv my bum. It wuz tipacly brilyent if I sa so meselve. Hic.”

Young Geniuses Emailed Passwords To Scammers, But ‘In Ironic Manner’

'mum u need 2 send me like 5000 lbs 4 books plz xoxo'

Hundreds of triple A*-graded young Einsteins cheerfully emailed their bank account details and passwords to phishing cyber-criminals, losing thousands of pounds each, but insist that they did so out of a deep sense of irony.

“Er I was so like making this rilly clever statement about the banks being like the real criminals right lol,” explained geography of art student Chelsey Bunn, 18 - who now has to make the remaining £1.20 of her overdraft last until June - after details emerged following the arrest of six people in London, Manchester and Bolton who are suspected of being behind the blindingly obvious scam.

“Maybe I’ll submit it as a piece of coursework,” she added.

“Ha ha ha,” commented many thickies with no A levels at all. “Ha ha-ha ha ha.”

Knowing Exam Answers Still Not Improving Teachers’ Ability To Teach

Year 10 insist they know it all anyway

Teachers have responded to the Daily Telegraph’s exposé of exam boards coaching teachers with the answers to their exams by pointing out that they already know stuff, but that doesn’t mean they can actually get any of it across.

“I’ve tried everything, including writing model answers on toasted cheese sandwiches and feeding them to Year 10 sentence by sentence,” said haggard history teacher Gill Evans. “Nothing seems to work. If Michael Gove thinks that what I know in any way influences what these things scrawl on their answer papers, he should bloody come down here and try punching the simplest fact through their thick heads.”

Asked for their thoughts, pupils replied “woteva” and were immediately awarded an A grade.

Supermarkets Happy With Record Number Of Einsteins Stacking Their Shelves

Britain’s leading supermarkets have welcomed the official announcement that this year’s crop of part-time shelf-stackers have achieved record A level grades, with no less than 12.8% achieving three or more A or A* passes.

Looks like Tesco are interviewing again

“With more certified geniuses beavering away in our aisles than ever before, the risk of product mismatching has effectively been eliminated completely,” enthused Tesco CEO Philip Clarke. “If any of our customers has a problem, they can rest assured that our customer assistants will gladly solve it for them, possibly by doing differential calculus in their heads.”

“We also look forward, when they graduate with first-class honours in three years’ time, to welcoming them into full-time positions where their unprecedented brainpower will set them on a meteoric career path. In three to five years, there’s every possibility that these young Einsteins will be settling into the coveted chair behind the one remaining staff-operated till we’ll retain for doddering old coffin-dodgers who insist on shouting ‘Eh? Speak up, I’m eighty-two’ when our automated check-outs inform them of an unexpected item in the bagging area.”

Give Children The Chance To Go Up Chimneys At 14, Says Chris Dickhead

Young scum absolutely love a good clamber

Sir Chris Dickhead, the former head of Ofsted, has called on the government to stop pretending that a few more years at some tarted-up ‘academy’ school will somehow manage to pummel even the most basic literacy and numeracy into the desperately thick hellspawn who infest their corridors, and to cut their losses and kick them up the nearest chimney at 14 instead.

“You can keep these ghastly little inner-city shits in school till they’re 100: but, let’s face it, the best stab at literacy they’re ever going to manage is scrawling a rudimentary cock on the lavatory wall,” opined the greatest living expert on education. “The kindest thing would be to kick them out at 14 and send them up chimneys for a pound a day, or maybe use them as reactor shielding.”

Dickhead also bemoaned the government’s plans to encourage Britain’s public schools to sponsor ghastly state-run brat pens, warning: “The more that their luxurious facilities are cluttered up by low-pated scum from some nearby monkey pit, the less they are available for the fee-paying scions of the upper-middle classes and gentry."

"The only time these degenerate council-estate creatures should ever be seen in a public school science lab," he advised, "Is for a dissection experiment.”

Labour Tempts Students With Lifetime Of Slightly Less Debt

Miliband 2, the regent of the Labour Party until anyone better comes along, has single-handedly recaptured the youth vote today by dangling the promise of a marginally smaller mountain of crushing debt for future generations of impoverished graduates to defer.

"We're going to get lots of people, talented people, put off from going to university by £9,000 fees,” droned the lesser Miliband, speaking before his party conference begins to address the vexing question of how to differentiate themselves from the other two parties. “But if those fees were slashed to a trifling £6,000 a year, I guarantee they’d be stampeding into higher education.”

Students can barely contain their glee

Miliband 2 went on to dream that his extraordinary munificence would be funded by retaining the current level of corporation tax which his party’s rich corporate friends strenuously avoid paying, and by charging higher interest on the student loans of graduates who stroll into the millions of jobs paying more than £65,000 which exist only in his imagination.

“Let me see now. Under the Conservatives, I’m going to have to hack away an impossible £27,000 debt mountain - not counting the interest - before I could even contemplate a mortgage and kids,” said one sixth-former, who is hoping that a good degree in Engineering might one day swing him a part-time job stacking shelves in a supermarket for £6.50 an hour. “But, under Labour, I’d only have to clear an impossible £18,000? Please excuse my tears of gratitude.”

“This is a truly fantastic deal for students,” smiled utterly independent NUS President and Labour Party member Liam Burns, through gritted teeth. “Vote Labour.”

Education Secretary Sets New Standard In English

Education minister Michael Gove today unveiled a radical new standard in English for schools to follow, which scholars of linguistics have tentatively labelled ‘making words up as you go along’.

Launching what promises to be the first of many innovative and incomprehensible noises, Mr Gove pledged that the controversial new ‘free’ schools the Tories have set up would have “no space for teaching of wackoidal theories” based on religious beliefs (or possibly ‘wackodial’, as reporters struggle to get to grips with his new coinage).

Out of the mouths of babes and Oxford-educated Cabinet ministers...

According to experts, the stem of Mr Gove’s peculiar new sound seems to be the slang expression ‘wack’ – meaning either ‘lame’ or ‘sorry-ass’, ‘to masturbate’, or ‘indicating low or dubious quality’.

“The term is frequently used aggressively by rappers in their self-styled ‘hairstyling’ battles,” observed Dr. Mortimer Strangelove, a veteran Oxford English Dictionary lexicographer. “The ‘-oid’ suffix indicates that the object being described in some way resembles one or more definitions of ‘wack’, but unfortunately this does not help us to decipher which particular meaning is intended.”

“More helpfully, however, -al’, the other suffix used by Mr Gove, can be added to verbs to turn them into nouns, e.g. to confess - confession - confessional,” he droned on. “Therefore, since the only verb definition of ‘wack’ is ‘to masturbate’, it would appear that the education secretary is, in his sadly inarticulate way, attempting to reassure the nation that free schools will be barred from teaching children anything which resembles a religious theory of masturbation.”

“I’m sure this information will be of great comfort to parents,” he added sagely. “If Michael Gove carries on making bizarre noises, do give me a shout.”