Blair Denies Protester's $6m-a-Year Blood Money Allegation

We Hardly Needed To Ask Papers If They’d Support A War, Explains Straw

The Mail was notoriously hard to convince

Speaking at the Leveson Inquiry, former home secretary Jack Straw today poured scorn on the Daily Mail’s claim that the Blair government waited until they were confident of press support in 2003 before sending British troops to the slaughter in an unwinnable, illegal six-year occupation of Iraq.

“Of course we didn’t waste any time worrying about media support,” laughed Mr Straw. “Have you ever heard an editor fretting about the loss of circulation caused by cover-to-cover photos of British troops kicking, blasting and bombing seven colours of shit out of foreign conscripts? Didn’t think so.”

Associated Newspapers’ editor-in-chief Paul Dacre, meanwhile, distinctly remembers the Mail as being the soft, still voice of calm in the run-up to the invasion, fearlessly running openly pacifist headlines like ‘Kill A Wog For Christ!’, ‘Saddam Causes Cancer’ and ‘2003’s Must-Have Accessory: A Garland Of Towelhead Guts’.

Alastair Campbell: ‘Strap Me To An Apache And Point Me At Gadaffi’

Lock and load

After being identified by a senior MI6 officer as “an unguided missile”, Tony Blair’s former spokesman Alastair Cambell has called on the government to attach him to one of an Apache helicopter’s hardpoints, fly him over to Tripoli and unleash his deadly, exploding warhead on the pariah leader of Libyan government.

The unnamed witness from MI6, which prefers to call itself the Secret Intelligence Service, told the Chilcot inquiry into Britain’s reasons for invading Iraq: “We found Alastair Campbell, I think, an enthusiastic individual, but also somewhat of an unguided missile … That's not to say that we didn't engage to the extent that we could, and I think that Alastair Campbell found us a useful organisation to work with, simply because SIS was actually an organisation that was very focused on delivery.”

Mr Campbell immediately unscrewed his wig to reveal an armed fuse protruding from the top of his head, and told reporters he was willing to detonate himself in any way which might help to erase his tarnished reputation as a cynical, scheming manipulator whose lies dragged the nation into an illegal and unwinnable war of attrition against a sovereign nation.

MI6 later issued a statement from the officer, which read: “I apologise for not making the views of SIS absolutely clear to the Chilcot inquiry. What I meant to say is that Alastair Campbell is a cynical, scheming manipulator whose lies dragged the nation into an illegal and unwinnable war of attrition against a sovereign nation.”

“Having said that,” he added, “SIS has no objection to dropping him on Tripoli from 2,000ft.”

Ex-Army Chief Throws Inadequately-Funded Toys Out Of Pram

The Taleban wouldn't have liked this up 'em

The former Conservative head of the army, General Richard Dammit, today fired an ineffectual broadside from a rusty popgun at Tony Blair and Gordon Brown – accusing the pair of cynically underfunding Britain’s armed forces despite sending them to fight two foreign wars.

In his book ‘Leading From The Right’, Gen Dammit accuses Gordon Brown of “malign intervention” by refusing to fund sun cannon, crater guns and flybots for the armed forces, and claims Tony Blair “lacked the moral courage to impose his will on his own chancellor.”

“Thanks to those communist CND hippies, for the first time in its illustrious history the British army went into battle without every single item on its fantasy wish list,” he huffed from his camouflaged pram.

The retired general contrasted the Labour government’s parsimonious attitude with previous military operations like the Battle of France, in which the Germans were swiftly overwhelmed by grav tanks armed with multi-lens pulse lasers and orbital-drop troops equipped with power armour and man-portable fusion guns, bringing the Second World War to a swift end in 1940.

This crap is all that Gordon Brown would pay for

“The general staff knew all about winning in Afghanistan, from three previous victories back in the days of empire,” continued the red-faced general. “A devastating frightfulness-and-wonder assault with tacnukes by Queen’s Own G-carrier Division, followed up with the elite 14th Psionic Shock-Lancers’ mopping-up operation soon sorted out Akbar Khan and his fractious tribesmen.”

“Yet even such steampunk technology was callously turned down by those peacenik trots in Downing Street,” snorted Gen Dammit over a stiff G&T. “Instead, brave Tommy Atkins was sent into battle with nothing more than a recoilless rifle and a moped. Vote Conservative.”

Iraq Cities Celebrate US Withdrawal With Fireworks Displays

Barack Obama today thanked the Iraqi people for the somewhat over-enthusiastic fireworks put on in numerous Iraqi cities to express their gratitude for the peacekeeping work done over the years by withdrawing US forces.

“These spontaneous firework displays are a touching demonstration of the love and respect the ordinary people of Iraq feel for their departing American friends,” said the president, as news networks showed bright, colourful explosions taking place in Kut, Tikrit, Falluja, Basra, Mosul, Kirkuk, Ramadi and Karbala. “Our forces can leave with their heads held high, after successfully completing their mission of transforming Iraq from a nation living in fear to a bastion of freedom, peace and security.”

Thank you, America

Unlike traditional Western fireworks, in the Middle East they tend to be mounted inside cars or worn around the waist, and set off in crowded areas where the maximum number of people can share the experience,” he told American reporters. “Well, that’s their culture, and we celebrate it.”

At least 50 delighted Iraqis are thought to have enjoyed the displays so much that they came apart.

“This, too, is a cultural phenomenon common throughout the Middle East,” explained a sweating Mr Obama. “We show our appreciation by clapping - they show theirs by shedding limbs, heads and internal organs. It’s just a different way of doing things, which our soldiers have learned to recognise as just a regular everyday occurrence.”

“It’s just a shame those Iraqis can’t show their appreciation further by voting Democrat in our forthcoming mid-term elections,” he added.

World Safer After Invasion of Poland, Insists Hitler

Giving evidence today at the long-delayed inquiry into the Second World War, former statesman Adolf Hitler insisted today that the terrible global conflict he started had in fact made the world a safer place.

"Look," he told the inquiry panel in a rare return to the living world, "The fact is, there was clear evidence that Poland had the ability to send horse troops across our borders within 45 minutes. I have no regrets about the decisions that were made at the time, acting on the best information available from the Minister for Propaganda, Dr Goebbels."

Mr Hitler denied that his chief objective in invading Poland was regime change, but declared defiantly that Poland had become a haven of peace and tranquility after the removal of President Mościcki.

"I am proud of the part I played in making sure that millions of Poles never had a care in the world again," he screamed.

Mr Hitler also scoffed at accusations that he had secretly made an agreement over the Polish issue with the Soviet leader, Josef Stalin.

"It was clear to me long before those talks that Poland represented a major threat to the safety of the world," he insisted. "Mr Stalin and I were both of the opinion that the dismembering of the Polish nation must be seen to be carried out strictly according to our view of the legal frameworks set out by the hated, ineffectual League of Nations."

"Believe me," he added, "Between us, we went through quite a lot of lawyers before we found one who was willing to agree with our interpretation of international law."

Throughout the questioning, Mr Hitler stoutly maintained his stance that the invasion was not carried out to bring about regime change, but to remove the terrible threat posed to the entire world by deadly Polish cavalry. He said he was personally disappointed that the world had been somewhat riven by disagreements following the invasion of Poland by German and Soviet troops, but promised that he would do it all again given half a chance.

As he left the hearing, grieving relatives of the 5,533,000 German soldiers who lost their lives as a result of the invasion of Poland shouted angrily at their unrepentant former leader as he was led back down to Hell, where he now holds a lucrative post on the board of directors.

Date Set For Blair's Record Bullshitting Attempt

Former PM Tony Blair will begin his attempt to smash the world record for bullshitting on January 29th, said a spokesman for the Chilcot Inquiry into events leading up to the 2003 invasion of Iraq.

Mr Blair already holds the record for Longest Sustained Bullshitting after 10 years and 57 days in office. However, he is hoping that, at some point during the 2-4 weeks he is expected to spend before the committee, he will also be able to snatch the crown for sheer quantity of bullshit delivered in one 24-hour period.

"Our test-run questioning of Alastair Campbell last week revealed defects in our bullshit-removal apparatus, after the wheelbarrow collapsed under the sheer weight of crap pouring out of Mr Blair's top advisor," said Mr Chilcot. "So we are installing a conveyor belt to deliver Mr Blair's crap straight into a fleet of waiting skips, which will deliver his reeking ordure straight to the front page of your daily paper every morning."

Released Hostage Eager To Hear of Britain's Successes Over Last Two Years

Freed Iraq hostage Peter Moore has said he is "delighted" to be free after 946 days in captivity, explaining how he is keenly "looking forward to spending the coming days and weeks catching up on all the things I've missed over the past two-and-a-half years."

Foreign Office staff are carefully debriefing the 36-year-old computer expert, in order to ease the difficult transition from powerless captive in a chaotic, lawless state to free citizen of the United Kingdom.

"We started off by trying to explain the point of Twitter to Mr Moore," said Cadogan de Vere Carlton-Browne of the F.O. "But we quickly realised the enormity of the task, so we've gone back to things which are a bit easier to take in - like the replacement of one buggy, bloated version of Windows by another. He finds that comfortingly familiar."

Trauma specialists say that the eventual aim of Mr Moore's carefully-planned debriefing is to bring him to a point where he will be psychologically ready to hear that, shortly after his capture in May 2006, Gordon Brown was handed the premiership of the United Kingdom on a plate and went on to preside over the unprecedented bankrupting of a nation which was comfortably riding the crest of an economic wave when he was kidnapped.

"Mr Moore may already be experiencing the 'Stockholm Syndrome', which describes the tendency of hostages to identify with their captors over time," said a senior government head-fixer. "Our fear is that, when he realises the mess the country is now in, he may well leap onto the next plane to Baghdad and beg for asylum."

US 'Tourists' Arrested After 'Accidentally' 'Hiking' into Iran

Three American 'tourists' went missing on Thursday after embarking on a 'hiking trip' along the border between Iran and Iraq, according to reports emerging today. The 'holidaymakers' were apparently 'sightseeing' in the autonomous Kurdistan territory in Northern Iraq, one of the world's most popular holiday destinations.

"Four Americans arrived in the city of Sulaimaniya on Wednesday for a walking vacation," said police colonel Anwar Haj Omar. "One of them 'fell ill' straight away and stayed behind, but the other three insisted on setting off immediately to stroll 90km to the beautiful waterfalls at the much-frequented resort of Ahmed Awa, just three kilometres from the Iranian border."

"They didn't take an interpreter with them, as one of them happened to speak Arabic," he added. "Apparently it's a popular second language, widely studied in the United States."

Iran's state-owned Al-Alam television station later announced that the three 'backpackers' had been arrested after crossing the border, making the patently ridiculous claim that they were undercover military personnel.

"We told them not to venture into the mountains, because of the proximity of the border, "sighed Col Haj Omar. "I suppose they just didn't notice that they were walking uphill for hours."

"The vacationing American who fell ill has checked out," the manager of the hotel where he was staying told reporters. "After he called the US embassy to explain that his friends had phoned to tell him they were in Iran under arrest, some large American gentlemen with cropped hair arrived and took him away, saying they knew of a local pharmacy store offering an unbeatable deal on paracetamol caplets."

"The four tourists seemed like nice people," he added, "Although my staff tell me their conversation was rather limited. Tell me, what does 'check' mean? They said it quite a lot, but we just assumed they were talking about how to settle their minibar bill."

When US reporters asked the Pentagon to confirm that it would never authorise covert missions in foreign territories, a senior official replied: "Check."

Iraq Inquiry Will Be In-Depth, Promises Chairman

The long-awaited Iraq Inquiry was finally launched today, with chairman Sir John Chilout announcing that he would not shirk from asking the most important questions, such as "Where is it?", "What is the food like?" and "What is the capital of Iraq? Is it a) Tel Aviv? b) Baghdad? c) Mexico City? or d) Weston-super-Mare? Call 09016 161609. Calls should cost no more than 35p from a landline. Calls from mobiles may cost considerably more."

Sir John said the hearings would be "as open as possible", but some hearings would be held in private, in case Tony Blair accidentally let slip that British troops were dying in a never-ending war they cannot hope to win because he was too gutless to stand up to George W Bush - which could well lead to the total collapse of civil authority in Britain if it became known, and would probably lead in short order to the nation being invaded and subjugated by crazy bearded mullahs wearing explosive belts and forcing surviving Britons to learn the Koran by heart or have their hands cut off.

While the inquiry would mainly cover the last eight years, added Sir John, it would also be put into an historical context.

"We will be investigating reports that the problems stem from the ambitions of Babylon, which seems to have been founded in ancient Mesopotamia - roughly corresponding to modern Iraq - by Sargon of Akkad, about 35 centuries ago," he explained. "When his successor, Hammurabi, created the first code of laws, things appeared to calm down a bit. However, revolts during the reign of Sennacherib of Assyria swiftly led to the destruction of Babylon. Although the city was rebuilt, its subsequent part in the revolt against Ashurbanipal led to its 'purification'."

"All of this seems highly relevant to recent events, and I shall be calling all of these persons to testify before the committee in due course," said Sir John. "I am, of course, determined to avoid a long drawn-out inquiry, and fully expect to publish my findings in my lifetime."

Brown Orders In-Depth Iraq Inquiry

Britain's long-awaited inquiry into the Iraq war will take place, but at the bottom of a flooded mineshaft somewhere in Derbyshire, announced Gordon Brown today.

Born optimists, wishful thinkers and inhabitants of Cloud Cuckoo Land had hoped that the inquiry would take place in public, perhaps in Wembley football stadium or Trafalgar Square.

However, the Prime Minister helpfully pointed out that government inquiries such as this were boring and tedious in the extreme, and great swathes of the public might very well fall into comas so deep that they would almost certainly stop breathing and die.

"We will hand-pick a small group of experts to investigate the run up to, and conduct of, the war in Iraq and the subsequent eight-year occupation by British troops," he told reporters. "As the inquiry will take place deep in a flooded mine at a pressure of several dozen atmospheres, and in total darkness, I expect to appoint a panel consisting of a sea cucumber, one of those squids that lights up and a terrifying deep-sea fish that's basically just a tail with teeth at the front like knives."

"Witnesses will be lowered down the mine one at at time, in a watertight barrel with an armoured air hose," he continued. "If they can interpret the random flashes of the squid as morse-coded questions, they will answer them to the best of their ability. The hideous fish with a mouthful of razors will undoubtedly help to focus their minds, as the longer they stay down there the greater the risk that it will chew through the barrel. If they stall the committee with long, evasive answers, they are likely to be reduced to bloody jam by the subsequent inrush of water at a pressure of several tonnes per square inch."

When it has finished considering - or eating - the witnesses and their evidence, the committee will then be dragged to the surface in large nets, where they will give their verdict if they have managed not to explode during their rapid ascent.

"It is in the interests of national security that nobody ever finds out that we invaded a sovereign state, reduced its citizens to medieval destitution and made our country a prime target for terrorists for no better reason than because George W Bush and his creepy neo-con friends wanted us to," said Mr Brown.

"Bollocks," he added.

Turkey To Enter Europe: "It's OK," Says Obama, "Just Tell Them You're With Me"

Barack Obama, on his first visit to an Islamic nation, has reassured Turkey that he will do all the arm-twisting he can to secure its membership of the European Union.

"It is not for the European Union to decide who can or can't join it," said President Obama. "Just because most of the member states have a few minor quibbles about Turkey's endemic corruption and graft, the relentless persecution of its Kurdish minority, severe restrictions on freedom of speech, repression of women's rights, the use of torture, assassination and murder by the military police, the banning of several political parties and a right-wing army breathing down the government's neck, doesn't mean that Turkey is in any way incompatible with the values of Western civilisation."

"The bottom line is that their generals are very pally with our generals," smiled the leader of the free world, "And the US Air Force would have had to use quite a bit more fuel to bomb the shit out of Mosul, if we hadn't had our Turkish airbases right there on its doorstep. So Turkey is good for the environment, too."

Gordon Brown agreed wholeheartedly with the Mr Obama, standing on the steps of Number Ten in front the US ambassador, who was vigorously pushing Mr Brown's head up and down. Other European leaders, though, were less enthusiastic.

"Look at zis map," said Nicolas Sarkozy. "Zis teeny leetle bit of Turkey ees on ze European continent. Ze ozzer four-twenties-fifteen per cent, she ees not. If Monsieur Yes-We-Can ees so amorous towards his Turkish allies, he can make eet ze 51st state of America, ees eet not? Good."

The French president refused to be drawn, however, on whether the purchase of a wonky Turkish-made Beko telly a few years ago may have adversely affected his views on Europe's Eastern neighbour.

Replacement of Small Flag by Another Small Flag Signals Exciting New Dawn For Basra

The grateful residents of Basra lined the streets today, giving a rousing three cheers to the British Army for all it has done over the last six years to turn their home town into a veritable paradise on Earth.

The phased replacement of UK forces by their American counterparts - which actually began last December and will continue until the end of May - was today marked by a small flag ceremony signifying the handover of local command from Britain to the United States.

"For those who are old enough to realise, and compare it with the past gloom of Saddam's era, they look back to 30 years ago and say, 'We're seeing stability that we haven't had before; we're seeing levels of freedom that we haven't had before'," said outgoing Modern Major-General Andy Tuna. "Admittedly that was when Saddam was our best mate in the Middle East, and perhaps we ought to have said something at the time - but hey, it's no use crying over spilt milk."

"We are all so grateful to Britain for making Basra an international byword for peace and tranquility," agreed mayor Mohammed Masbah al-Waili, nervously scanning the streets. "When the insane dictator Saddam Hussein was in charge, we were all dragged from our homes and shot every morning."

"Now our British friends bring us breakfast in bed and fresh flowers every day," he added. "They have done a sterling job of half-training our new police force to take over from the one they disbanded, teaching them to say, 'Evenin' all, what's all this about then?' in Farsi and tell us the time. Now the nice Americans will complete their training by teaching them the correct way to grip a .40-calibre Smith & Wesson with both hands and shout 'Down on the ground and put your goddamn hands where I can see them, asshole!' Happy days."

British soldiers at Basra Airport wept openly as they packed their bags to leave.

"I'll miss the warmth of the Iraqi people," said Corporal Jones. "I remember once when this bloke ran towards me with arms outstretched, like he wanted to give me a great big hug."

"And he probably would have, too," he chuckled, "If I hadn't emptied a clip into him thinking he was a suicide bomber. I felt like a right charlie afterwards!"

"I'll always treasure the memory of that friendly, harmless Iraqi," he added touchingly. "Especially at three in the morning when I wake up screaming."

Iraqis Now Looking Forward To Non-Violent Early Death

The majority of Iraqis are feeling much more hopeful about the future, says an opinion poll carried out for the BBC, ABC News and NHK.

A violent and bloody death is no longer the main worry preoccupying the man in the street, having been replaced by freedom-loving, democratic worries like employment and the economy.

"Yes, I can safely say that I am more concerned about the economy nowadays than being killed by a suicide bomber," agreed Baqubah resident Mahmood Jassim. "Perhaps one day some of that reconstruction money the Americans promised us in return for sucking every last drop of oil out from under our feet may be put towards restoring a clean water supply, before we all die of cholera."

His friend Raqaij Ubaydi agreed, adding: "If my country's economy ever gets back on its feet, maybe I could get a job and save my children from dying a lingering death from malnutrition. Compared to that, being blown to bits by some hothead would at least be mercifully quick."

Not all Iraqis shared their upbeat view of their nation's future, however.

"Actually, I'm still quite concerned about violence myself," admitted housewife Nadia Adwar, glancing furtively over her shoulder. "In fact, right now I'm concerned that my husband will beat me to death if he catches me talking to a foreigner. But the idea that the women of Iraq might need some freedom too seems to have somehow escaped the West's attention completely."

"But what do I know?" she added. "I'm only a woman."

Outraged Britain Demands Curbs on Democracy After Luton Protest Against Democracy-Supporting Troops

Britain's senior officer in Basra, Major General Andy Salmon, has spoken movingly of the devastating effect on his troops' feelings by a couple of noisy placard-wavers in Luton.

"Morale here has collapsed entirely," wept the modern Major General. "My poor lads are sitting in their tents, bawling their eyes out. It just broke their little hearts to hear that one or two people in the UK aren't behind them, cheering on their unstinting efforts to bring freedom and democracy to the Iraqi people. I've texted them all and told them I'm here for them if they want to talk about it, but so far very few of them have taken up my offer of a manly hug."

Back in the UK, there was widespread public outrage that the perpetrators of the outrage have not been immediately deported back to wherever they came from - or, should they in fact turn out to be British, to be sent into exile in the Arctic Circle.

The British populace has displayed a rare unity in its condemnation of the protesters, with many calling for the immediate abolition of the centuries-old democratic freedom to make public expressions of dissent.

"It's a bloody disgrace, upsetting our boys like that," ranted one disgusted member of the public. "I reckon scum like that oughtt to be strung up without so much as a trial, or chucked into the sea at gunpoint and forced to swim to Iraq, since they love it so much. Our brave lads are dying out there in the name of democracy, you know, and anyone what don't support them without question better shut their trap and piss off - there's no place for their sort in Britain."

"I'm so angry right now, I could go out and burn down a mosque," he added. "But I'll probably calm down once I've tracked down the nearest halal restaurant and smashed a few windows."

"And a Merry Christmas to You," Bush Thanks Iraqi For Thoughtful Shoe Gift

As he flies home from his unannounced photo-opportunity in Iraq, US President George Bush is reported to be very pleased with the gift of a nice pair of shiny shoes from a local journalist.

The unnamed Iraqi reporter delivered the early Christmas present at high velocity at a press conference. He was immediately surrounded by an appreciative group of security guards, who congratulated him on his seasonal offering by good-naturedly slapping him on the back, face, groin and kidneys while the beaming president looked on.

Mr Bush had previously been participating in a festive party game with the Iraqi government on Saturday to see who could come up with the silliest word. The US team were declared the winners, after Defense Secretary Robert Gates reduced players to tears of laughter with his straight-faced claim that the process of "drawdown" had begun.

Afghans v. Predator

US Defence Secretary Robert Gates has criticised the US Air Force over its tactics in Iraq and Afghanistan, telling students at the Air Force university in Alabama that asking for extra support was “like pulling teeth”.

The Pentagon chief accused the military of being “stuck in old ways of doing business.”

“I’ve been wrestling for months to get Predator reconnaisance drones into the theatre,” he said. “The US Air Force tells me that a tightly-flown formation of B-17s will always get through and can put a bomb in a pickle-barrel from 20,000 feet, and that the only way to win the war on terror is to pound the Taleban’s ball-bearing factories in Germany and to nuke Japan. But I’ve seen the movies, and those Predator guys with the dreadlocks are damn near unstoppable. They can wipe the floor with aliens, and they even gave Arnold Schwarzenegger a hard time. Now, our intelligence tells us that Osama Bin Laden almost certainly isn’t an acid-dripping, chest-bursting alien, and we’ve got Arnie on our side right here in California - so I reckon that puts us in a win-win scenario.”

A Word A Day With George W Bush

linguistic experts have deciphered George W Bush’s latest verbal contortions on halting the withdrawal of American troops from Iraq.

The US President said earlier that, on the advice of senior US commander General David Petraeus, he was still pursuing a “limited drawdown” from 20 brigades to 15 by the end of July, but freezing further withdrawals.

Many ordinary English speakers were puzzled by the term ‘drawdown’. However, we can now clear up the President’s terminology. In economic terms, it seems that drawdown is the measure of the decline from a historical peak in a given variable, typically the cumulative profit of a financial trading strategy.

Basically, if X(t) is a random process [X(0) = 0, t≥0], then the drawdown at any time, T, denoted D(T), is defined as

D(T) = Max [0, Max {Tε (0, T)} X(t) - X(T)].

And if you’re having trouble with that concept and how it relates to the occupation of Iraq, just imagine what George Bush makes of it.

You Can't Handle the Truth

Defence Secretary Des Browne has applied to the Royal Courts of Justice, seeking a gagging order to prevent coroners from criticising the Ministry of Defence.

The move follows the inquest into the death of Private Jason Smith, who died of heatstroke in Iraq in 2003, which concluded that his death was caused by “a serious failure to recognise and take appropriate steps to address the difficulty that he had in adjusting to the climate".

“We are worried that people might jump to the wrong conclusions and think that the MoD might be in some way responsible for the unfortunate deaths of these soldiers,” argued Mr Browne. “Whereas of course the MoD is, as always, completely irresponsible when carrying out its duty to ensure the safety of the cannon fodder – whoops, I mean personnel.”

The Wonderful World of Cheney

In a visit to Baghdad, US Vice-President Dick Cheney has hailed the invasion of Iraq in 2003 as a “successful endeavour”.

Speaking after handing a sealed envelope to Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki, Mr Cheney said: "I was last in Baghdad 10 months ago and I sense, as a result of the progress that has been made since then, phenomenal changes in terms of the overall situation.”

One change since Mr Cheney’s last visit has been the deployment of an extra 30,000 American troops, in the hope of arresting the country’s headlong descent into civil war. As yet unchanged, however, are the estimated four million displaced citizens; and the problems faced by half the population trying to get clean water or medical treatment have not improved phenomenally either. The Vice-President was also unable to change the Iraqi government’s continued reluctance to pass a law sharing the country’s oil revenues.

Nevertheless, he remained upbeat, declaring that America had always achieved total success in all its endeavours. “We brought Serbia and Kosovo together as friends and neighbours,” he said. “We won the Vietnam War. We gave economic stability and an open democratic system of government to the Russians. We have completely eliminated the spectre of AIDS from Africa. We put the first man on Mars. And I tell you, we have been totally successful in making Iraq into a veritable oasis of tranquility.”

Unfortunately at this point his triumphant speech was brought to a premature close by a loud bang, as another suicide bomber blasted herself, and dozens of innocent bystanders, to shreds.