Jive Talking Has Polluted The Aryan Will, Insists Historian

The eminent constitutional historian David Bonkey, the cleverest man in Britain today, has raised eyebrows with his startling claim that last week’s outbreaks of mass looting are the inevitable result of the creeping infiltration of pernicious boogie-woogie culture into white society over the past half-century.

"And, I tell you, some of them are this long"

“Just listen to the flower of Aryan youth talking nowadays,” shuddered Bonkey on Newsnight yesterday. “Why, they speak of little else but grooving ghastly indentations into gaily-coloured plastic bags every night, which inevitably results in fusing the electrics and burning down the entire wigwam, or igloo.”

“I am not condemning such behaviour out of hand - no, of course not,” he insisted. “It is entirely appropriate if confined to long-established darky reservations, such as the Dutch municipality of Haarlem. But what an appalling failure of the will to power it represents when transplanted unnaturally into the superior white mind.”

“The flashpoint occurs when these corrupted white youths - whipped into a lather by their cassette tapes of ‘chip-shop’-style ‘wrappers’ - realise they will never be as magnificently over-endowed as a proud darky stallion, such as I have experienced personally on many delightful occasions,” he continued. “Maddened by sexual frustration, they descend upon the nearest shopping centre, seeking to re-connect with the manifest destiny that flows in their blood by stealing consumer items which only the industrious master race can afford.”

Dr Bonkey concluded by wondering if Britain should follow the example of other great Aryan nations, by introducing legislation to restrict the sale of plastic bags.

Other media-friendly academics have since been queueing up to offer their considered opinions on the rioting, with Richard Dawkins saying it would never have happened if people stopped believing that God helps those who help themselves.

UN Urged To Act Against Hated Cameron Kleptocracy

With the kleptocratic British regime of David Cameron now threatening to cut off communications and deploy the army against its own civilians, the UN Security Council is to meet in emergency session later to discuss what action the international community should take against the isolated rogue state as it teeters on the brink of civil war.

Give him a good kick up the assets

“For years now, the downtrodden people of the United Kingdom have endured a permanent state of emergency, with the government cynically whipping up a state of fear against a constantly-touted threat which is, in reality, almost entirely fictitious,” observed former Cameron ally King Abdullah of Jordan, who is leading calls to topple the hated despot. “Now, when the voice of the people makes itself heard, Cameron falls back on the traditional tools of the tyrant – denying his people their freedom of speech, and threatening to send armed troops against unarmed civilians.”

“We implore the civilised nations of the world to boycott British goods until Cameron and his loot-laden government are toppled,” echoed King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia. “As of today, for example, my government is cancelling all orders for British military hardware and will be buying US and French weapons instead.”

Bahrain’s King Hamad bin Isa Al Khalifa, meanwhile, called on the UN Security Council to authorise the assembly of a coalition force to deny the British Army’s capacity to subjugate the cowering population, by targeting its depots and barracks with all-out strikes. Others, however, have counselled against precipitate bombing, preferring to wait and see if the rank-and-file troops will rise up against their privileged officer class and refuse to obey orders to assault the impoverished ghettoes from which so many of them are recruited.

The American UN delegate, however, commented: “WTF?”

European Governments Finally Beginning To Grasp Basics Of Stock-Market Chicanery

Leading stockbrokers are already planning another scheme

The governments of France, Italy, Spain and Belgium have, after only a couple of hundred years, started to notice that the thieves and gamblers of the world’s stock markets may not actually have their nations’ best interests at heart, and have finally banned one of the most blatant cons.

“Imagine you and a friend go into a supermarket, and you pick up a bunch of bananas priced at one euro,” said French president Nicolas Sarkozy. “You bet your friend an euro that you can offload the bananas at a ridiculously low price, and he accepts. You then stop a random shopper, and offer her the bananas at five cents. She asks if you’re allowed to do that - since you don’t actually own a single banana - and you say it doesn’t really matter as you’ll buy them straight back from her at 50 cents, then put them back on the shelf. After she agrees to the transaction, you collect your euro from your friend, and you are now 55 cents richer for very little effort.”

“And that’s short-selling,” he summarised. “We are starting to come to the conclusion that the Anglo-Saxons might have had a point after all, when they suggested three years ago that this particular confidence trick may not be altogether a good thing.”

Great British Public Has Cunning Plan

The public may have gone back to swing in its favourite tyre

After three days of intense brain exercising, the British public has come up with a cunning plan which, it confidently predicts, will put an end to criminality for ever.

The plan is understood to centre around withdrawing all benefits from anyone found in a public place wearing a hood or a black skin, and will dissuade such outlaws from committing opportunistic theft to enhance their material wealth by forcing them to spend their every waking hour committing essential theft simply to stay alive.

The public are understood to have subsequently gone off somewhere to lie down.

Newsnight’s Gavin Esler welcomed the foolproof formula for national survival by pointing his twisted hole at a young black man and ridiculing him in the name of public entertainment, while colleague Fiona Armstrong stretched Darcus Howe on a rack until he confessed to being a lifelong black.

Demand For US Arms Reduction In No Way Connected To Our New Aircraft Carrier, Says China

Well, that's the take-off bit sorted

Speaking from the huge flight deck of the Shanga Lang, the People’s Liberation Navy’s newly-unveiled 65,000-tonne aircraft carrier, as it began its sea trials, Chinese premier Wen Jiabao assured the United States that his warning to scale back their expenditure on defence was nothing more sinister than well-intentioned budgeting advice from a concerned friend.

“China is the world’s friend,” he smiled, as the behemoth set course toward Japan. “And the only reason we are quadrupling our defence budget is because we have so much of your money that we simply don’t know what to do with it all. Look at this aircraft carrier. Only a nation with money to burn would waste so much money on a vessel of this size without having any aircraft to equip it with. Well, apart from the British, of course, but they are a notoriously inscrutable race whose reasons - if indeed they even understand such an abstract concept – have always been impossible to fathom.”

The former Soviet hulk will begin launching enthusiastic Chinese pilots off its steam catapults tomorrow. After a decade or two, if all goes well, Chinese defence researchers say they may even develop an aircraft of some sort to put them in – possibly a reverse-engineered Swordfish biplane, which they hope to develop using a rusty old Fleet Air Arm Gannet as a starting point.

Selfish, Materialistic Society Condemns Selfish, Materialistic Looters

As Britain burns in a lawless orgy of looting, a nation which has spent the last thirty years gleefully constructing a selfish, materialistic, devil-take-the-hindmost hell for itself erupted in fury last night at the selfish, materialistic actions of the hindmost.

“How bloody dare they?” spluttered Marcus Fellows, a Croydon call centre manager, as borough after borough descended into lawless disorder. “I pay 30% of my hard-earned salary so these ungrateful bastards can squat in their opulent council palaces, shooting up with all the horse tranquilisers they can lay their hands on. Look, I paid £650 for this bloody iPad 2 – where’s my comfortable feeling of entitlement gone when every skanky little toerag decides he’s just as entitled to one as me?”

London this morning

Elsewhere, incensed Bristol-based accountant James White spoke for many as he demanded the immediate deployment of riot squads with orders to take down anyone seen wearing brand new trainers.

“What’s called for is the same sort of heavy-handed confrontational policing that I condemned so roundly in December when the students were demonstrating over tuition fees,” he snarled. “While it was unacceptably brutal when my middle-class son Tom was on the sharp end of it, crude violence is obviously the only language the underclass understand.”

His wife Jessica, whose idea of grinding poverty is having to keep a car for three years instead of two, scoffed at the idea that people like her had in any way contributed to the creation of the underclass monster which was suddenly rampaging through Britain’s high streets.

“As Margaret Thatcher said back in the eighties, there is no such thing as society,” she pointed out shrilly. “So don’t you dare try to blame anything on me or I’ll call the police, you murdering communist bastard.”

Get Those Skiving Operation Weeting Officers Back On The Streets, Urge Papers

Stop skulking in there and do some proper policing

Dozens of trained police officers are loafing in offices, drinking cups of coffee and wasting everyone’s time by poking their noses into harmless emails when they should be out there restoring law and order to London’s burning boroughs, fume Britain’s tabloids this morning.

News International supremo James Murdoch told reporters: “Our glorious cities are being blitzed by heaven-sent scum even as I speak, yet the stuffed shirts at Scotland Yard see fit to keep hordes of trained officers sitting on their lardy arses in front of computers for no better reason than a perverse determination to tear down the generations of trust which have been built up between the British public and the papers they love.”

“What Acting Chief Commissioner Godwin needs to do, if he expects a nicely-paid column in the Sun waiting for him when he retires,” he added in his most concerned voice, “Is to issue these spiteful wasters with a helmet and a riot shield, wind them up and set them off around the North Circular looking for the real troublemakers, god bless ‘em.”

I’m Fine For TVs and Beer Thanks, Chaps, Says Boris

Chin up, chaps

Declining mounting calls to cut short his holiday and get back to the riot-torn city he governs, mayor Boris Johnson has sent a text message to Londoners in which he reassures them that, if it is all the same to them, he is adequately supplied with all the LCD television sets, laptops, trackies and booze he requires.

“Cripes, I say! Bit of a kerfuffle going on north of the river, judging from what I saw on BBC Worldwide this morning,” exclaimed the tousled Tory. “Jolly decent of you chaps to invite me to the jamboree, but, but here’s the thing, old Bojo’s not entirely what you’d call short of entertainments already. Friend Plod has my full support for it, er, whatever it is he’s doing about it. Carry on, there.”

Meanwhile, many of those who looted the Tottenham Hale branch of PC World in the small hours of Saturday morning have already returned to complain about the abundant shortcomings of the computers they stole, and promised themselves a raid on an Apple Store tonight instead.

Pentagon Keen To Know Whether Tottenham Has Oil

After last night’s popular uprising by the oppressed masses of Tottenham, top American generals are desperately trying to ascertain the existence of significant oil reserves in the smouldering North London borough.

The bus symbolises the dead hand of state repression (possibly)

“It’s too early to tell, at this stage, whether we should be supporting the Tottenham rebels by the interdiction of the government forces’ capacity to retaliate, or with a strategic injection of military deployment on the ground,” commented President Obama. “Certainly, after his recent ravings about the US economy, the toppling of David Cameron by his own downtrodden people would not be entirely unwelcome here in Washington.”

Optimistic rebel leaders in Tottenham, meanwhile, were keen to display a haul of fragrance oil sprays liberated from the hated Body Shop oppressors last night, along with a quantity of Johnson’s Baby Oil captured during the heroic assault on the reactionary citadel of Boots the Chemist.

“An’ there’s, like, loads more oils an’ shit stockpiled in Superdrug what we in’t even totched yet, right?” said a sweaty man in a balaclava. “So, Mister US President blud, what ‘bout your Apache gunships is like givin’ da pigs da shiz 4 real tonight, like, innit?”

China Explains Revised Principles Of Communism To Washington

It's what Marx would have wanted

1. Workless of the USA, get a job! You have nothing to lose but your food stamps.
2. From each according to his abilities, to each according to his shareholding.
3. Capital is reckless of the health or length of life of the labourer, so stop being ill and old.
4. Religion is the opium of the masses. So keep buying into that Protestant work ethic.
5. The theory of Chinese Communism may be summed up in one sentence: Abolish all welfare.