Saturday, 29 October 2011

Government To Boost Economy By Forcing Minor Offenders Into Lifetime Of Criminal Activity

The prime minister today unveiled a daring plan to boost Britain’s renascent criminal industry by deducting £25 a week from the benefits of petty criminals who have been fined for their minor misdemeanours - thereby forcing them to steal in order to stay alive.

“According to data produced by my fertile imagination and confirmed by the Daily Mail, all crime is committed by jobless skivers,” piped up David Cameron, with steam shooting out of his ears as his brain went into overdrive. “The government says that a person needs £67.50 a week to live on, and up to now the courts have decided that £62.50 is just about survivable when deducting fines from the benefits of the poor - who obviously can’t pay up immediately, because they are on a benefit expressly designed to keep them in penury.”

Bless him, he's putting the economy back on track
“All we have to do is tip them over the edge by slashing that to a miserable £42.50 a week,” beamed the PM. “They will then be forced to spend their time more productively by shoplifting, mugging and housebreaking simply to feed and clothe themselves and pay their household bills. When they’re caught, we’ll just keep it going by slapping fine after impossible fine on them. Just think of it as clawing back a significant proportion of Britain’s enormous welfare bill.”

“Theft is a fine British tradition we can all be proud of,” explained City analyst Rob Blind as he sipped cocktails from the deck of his yacht, which is an essential management tool for tax purposes. “We may not have an empire to loot any more, but it’s jolly good to know that the Conservatives are making strenuous efforts to restore our worldwide reputation as a powerhouse of criminal activity.”

The Daily Mail – whose owner, Lord Rothermere, speaks only French to the taxman - cautiously welcomed Mr Cameron’s visionary scheme, but pointed out that this growth industry - which is key to Britain’s future prosperity - would prosper even faster if his government followed it to its logical conclusion and abolished the hated welfare system tomorrow.

Europe Dares To Suggest Rule Of Law Should In Some Way Apply To Bankers

Prime minister David Cameron lashed out today at misguided European attempts to interfere in the unfettered activity of British-based banks, which have done so much to usher in our modern utopia of universal prosperity.

We don't need no regulations
“London is the centre of financial services in Europe. It's under constant attack through silly Brussels directives,” he spluttered indignantly. “It's an area of concern, it's a key national interest that we need to defend.”

“The Square Mile simply couldn’t have got us where we are today if it had been regulated in any way whatsoever,” he pointed out. “You can’t apply notional concepts of ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ to the finance sector. How can our selfless, hard-working bankers get on with the vital wealth-creating job they do on our behalf, if they’re constantly having to worry about getting their collars felt? Brussels can stick its morals up its hairy foreign arse. The concept of justice is unspeakably alien to our financial institutions, and long may it remain so.”

“I speak for every man, woman and child in Britain,” he argued movingly, “When I say that my humble stockbroker dad would never have been able to leave me his millions, had he been at all bothered about the 'rights' and 'wrongs' of what he was doing.”

Friday, 28 October 2011

Absurdly Meaningless Role Now Open To Members Of Absurdly Inbred Family With Tits

All over the Commonwealth (whatever that is) democracy and equal rights campaigners with tits danced joyfully in the streets today as their elected representatives suddenly took it upon themselves to decide that their citizens would, in future, pay slavish obeisance to one member of one particular family sporting a pair of charlies, should she be fortunate enough to be born before any sibling with a willy.

One day you might discover what it feels like to be under these
“This long-overdue arbitrary decision corrects centuries of penile bigotry stemming from a previous arbitrary decision,” cheered the owner of an impressive pair of baps in Malawi. “My life will never be the same, knowing that I could one day be queen if only I’d been born into Windsor family.”

The Commonwealth heads also decided, on a whim, that future heads of the Windsor household would be free to marry anybody who believes they are literally eating their imaginary friend every Sunday – although, controversially, they insisted that any king or queen must still acknowledge that, although their imaginary friend’s imaginary dad may well have made the world in seven days, the fact that he also undoubtedly created velociraptors and trilobites before changing his mind suggests that his perception of time was almost certainly not the same as than ours.

However, the Commonwealth’s great and good stopped short of guaranteeing a lifetime of unimaginable privilege for any non-white descendents of Georg Ludwig Hanover, an obscure German who was handed Britain and Ireland on a plate in 1714.

“Don’t worry,” joked prime minister David Cameron. “That’s hardly likely to ever be an issue.”

Europe Would Look Nice On Your Mantelpiece, Leaders Tell China

Eurozone leaders are desperately trying to tempt China into adding Europe to its collection of knick-knacks, pointing out that trinkets of such fabulous size rarely come onto the market at such an attractive price.
The Russians haven't got one of these, remember
“Just $100bn buys you over a million square miles of prime development land,” haggled Klaus Regling, head of the EFSF (Eurozone Fire Sale Facility). “That’s just a hundred grand a mile - and we’re throwing in 857m economic production units absolutely free, so in effect you’re getting a lifetime of work out of them for an initial investment of just over a hundred bucks apiece. Go on, have a fling! You won’t get a better deal anywhere else.”

“Just look at some of the fabulous collectibles you’ll be picking up for a song,” he cajoled. “The Eiffel Tower, Versailles, the Parthenon, Pompeii and a fantastic train set – you’re getting the complete job lot in one bargain deal!”

Mr Regling added that, if he was unable to tempt the Chinese, he would be forced to put Europe on eBay with a starting bid of $1 and see what he got for it.

Wednesday, 26 October 2011

Just One More Eye-Wateringly Expensive Supercomputer And We’ll Have This Rain Thing Sussed, Promises Top Weather Idiot

Just 24 hours after falsely promising an unfeasible day of glorious sunshine sandwiched between two days of torrential rain for Plymouth, one of the wettest cities in England, Met Office idiots demanded squillions more out of taxpayers for an even bigger, faster computer capable of making even bigger, faster mistakes.

“We currently own several of the most powerful supercomputers in the UK, yet we couldn’t tell you you’d get wet if you jumped in the sea,” admitted chief idiot Professor Paul Brainaker. “Obviously, the problem is that we don’t have the biggest computer in the world.”

Would have been an option, but they've all been scrapped
“This may seem counter-intuitive to the ignorant layman, who sees a hundred-mile wide wall of black cloud pissing it down all over Devon and Cornwall and guesses that perhaps some sort of coat might be in order, basing his wild stab in the dark on no more scientific evidence than a map which shows Plymouth squatting right between the two counties with sod-all between it and these fuck-off great squalls hammering in straight off the Atlantic,” he scoffed.

“When we bunged the speed and course of this bloody great storm into our wizzo computers, however, and ran them through complex prediction algorithms devised by the best brains government funding can offer,” he explained, “Our declaration that a supernatural oasis of sunshine would suddenly somehow pop into existence over Plymouth to miraculously divert six inches of rainfall seemed eminently plausible. It was only wrong by a trifling factor of 100% because the computers were simply not quite big, or fast, or eye-wateringly expensive enough. Just give us a nice blank cheque with plenty of room room for lots of zeroes, and we’ll be able to forecast the weather for every individual street in Britain. I shit you not.”

When it was pointed out the RAF used to achieve similar levels of accuracy with a handful of knackered old bombers, a chinless wonder by the name of Corky and a wooden slide rule, Prof Brainaker ranted about global warming for five minutes before stamping off to play Call Of Duty: Black Ops at the second highest possible resolution, with only ‘typical supercomputer’ levels of flying blood and guts.

Coldplay Fans Try Hypnosis

Coldplay fans say their appreciation of the band’s latest album, Mylo Xoloto Casho, has improved greatly under hypnosis, with many falling blissfully into a deep trance during the very first bars and awakening the next morning with no memory of a single distinctive song.

Producer and towering genius Brian Eno suggested hypnosis for the band during recording - enabling them to bang out another 14 turgid fan-pleasing dirges without any conscious effort whatsoever, which was a great relief to them. Fans who also heeded Professor Eno’s inspired advice say it is a great relief to them, too.

The legendary Prof Eno, heroically manipulating the gloom envelope
“Brian Eno is, of course, the world’s first ever certified genius of music, and even his farts are tonally perfect down to the tiniest detail,” explained morose frontman Chris Martin. “His latest idea is that we shouldn’t turn up at all to the sessions for our next album. He’s just going to dial our personalities into his old VCS3 synthesizer, wander off for a fag and a ploughman’s, and send the tape of its burbling drones off to EMI with an invoice for the usual amount. We can spend the time hugging more trees. Brilliant.”

“Whatever. We’ll buy it,” enthused the band’s easily-pleased fanbase.

Tuesday, 25 October 2011

No Bad Blood Towards Euro-Referendum Bastards, Hisses Cameron

Mr Cameron insists he and the rebels share common ground
Speaking through worn-down teeth, prime minister David Cameron said there was “no bad blood” towards the 81 rebellious members of his own party who last night stuck two fingers up at his three-line whip over calls for a referendum on Europe, although he did not rule out emptying a bucket of steaming offal over their heads as soon as the media’s attention is seized by the next bright shiny thing.

“There's no bad blood, no rancour, no bitterness,” he seethed. “These disloyal, backstabbing shits are valued Conservative colleagues. Fuck my luck.”

Leading cabinet Eurohater Michael Gove’s big wobbly head, meanwhile, filled the nation’s TV screens to crow: “It’s not a humiliation. Except to our lame duck of a prime minister, of course, who must surely be wondering whether the time has finally come to spend more time with his inheritance and hand over the reins to a statesman with the guts, and perhaps the big brainy head, needed to tell Hitler’s Fourth Reich what’s what.”

Wino Mumbles Something About Jihad For Christmas

Sharp-eared Sun hacks desperate for enough filler material to provide a spurious excuse for not mentioning the News Corp AGM triumphed today, uncovering what sounded a bit like a fiendish call for a Christmas jihad from a wino in Costcutter.

Commander Insert Made-Up Towel-Head Name, Sub made a chilling sight as he angrily threw dozens of grimy coins on the counter and kept forgetting the price of the cheapest vodka in the shop, according to fearless reporter Nick Porkies - who single-handedly uncovered the dastardly plot as he queued for 20 Marlboro and a scratchcard.

Take this with you next time you pop down the offy
“In his mad mumbled ravings, I distinctly heard the words ‘200 suicide bombers and assassins dressed as Santa are ready to blow up your children and what’s your cheapest baccy’,” asserted a shaken Mr Porkies, who managed to snap the Baby Jesus-hating madman after hastily smearing the lens of his iPhone with lard from a nearby special-offers display.

“If you see this murderous loony, or any other sad case who’s let himself go a bit, give us a ring and we’ll turn him into Public Enemy Number One,” urged Mr Porkies. “With the help of the vigilant Sun-reading public, let’s hope we can avoid the chilling spectre of the bloodbath at our AGM.”

Monday, 24 October 2011

Sarkozy Scores Direct Hit On Cameron With Record 15m Projectile Vomit

French president Nicolas Sarkozy earned a hearty round applause from impressed eurozone leaders today, with an impressive 15.2m hurl which coated a surprised David Cameron in half-digested bits of horse, goose and amphibian.

To be fair, it's all Britain could afford
“I got ze idea from ma leurvely liddle bebby, Giulia,” a drained M. Sarkozy explained afterwards, as Europe’s finance ministers carried him aloft on a euphoric lap of honour around the conference table in Brussels. “Ah sheuw ‘er ze nasty cheap Cameron geeft of ze peenk Wilko dishcloth, she take one leurk an’ she vom ‘erseulf. As ah am dreurping eet een ze bin, I am seenking, zut! I feel ze same way whenever ah regard ‘ees arrogant face. Zo ah am deciding to express maseulf.”

Wiping unwholesome chunks from his ruined suit, a reeking but resolutely diplomatic Mr Cameron sought to downplay the international barf incident.

“If Monsieur Sarkozy’s digestive tract rebels at the sight of me, you should see my gut reaction to my own backbenchers,” he smiled through gritted teeth. “In the last few days I’ve pebbledashed half the committee rooms in Westminster Hall. Poor old William Hague had to push my pancreas back in.”

Shock Stats Prove Majority Of August’s Looters Were Little Toerags

All across the UK, households are struggling to take in the astounding statistical analysis which shows that almost everyone involved in August’s orgy of looting and arson was in fact a little toerag.

“Excel cannot lie,” declared senior Ministry of Justice analyst Michael Spreadsheet. “Astonishing as it may seem, many of these young criminals appear to be criminals.”

The data shows an inevitable trend in the toerag lifecycle, which begins with being spawned in mass poverty, struggling energetically towards exclusion from school and a series of police cautions, before the toerag larva finally catches its first community sentence. From there, it is but a short step to rioting, looting, arson and ultimately mass murder for the few hatchlings that reach adulthood.

Beautiful photography, Sir David
Contrary to what biologists previously believed, however, it appears that the toerag is not much given to roaming in packs.

“These are not social animals,” commented TV’s Sir David Attenborough. “Co-operation requires a certain amount of intelligence. If you want to know more about these fascinating but little-understood creatures, don’t miss my forthcoming series, Shitty Planet.”

Sunday, 23 October 2011

Never Mind Us, Demands Man In Pub, Let’s All Have A Referendum On Greece’s Membership Of The EU

A man in a pub today pointed out that all of the world’s fiscal woes would be solved overnight if, instead of cheerily flushing untold billions down the Greek toilet, the rest of the EU simply kicked it out of Europe and left it to implode by itself.

“Look at Zorba and his bone-idle mates, all kicking off about losing their precious 10-hour week and retiring at 21 to spend the rest of their lives drinking raki and poking their livestock,” he pointed out. “Well, if that’s what they want, they can bloody pay for it themselves, not me.”

“It’s like you’re sitting in a bunker minding your own business, and some mad bastard suddenly jumps up, grabs a hand grenade, pulls out the pin and swallows it,” he explained in layman’s terms. “Do you all pull the pins out of your own hand grenades to replace it? Course you don’t - you bundle the silly bugger out, hand grenade and all, and slam the armour-plated door in his face, don’t you?”

“I haven’t got a clue about the rights and wrongs of UK membership, if I’m honest,” he went on, drawing inspiration from another pint of bitter. “I mean, obviously the rest of Europe is full of bloody thieving foreigners who just don’t seem to understand that we single-handedly beat them all hands-down in 1945. But on the other hand, Rupert Murdoch absolutely hates the EU. So it might have something going for it after all, right?”

David Cameron, Ed Miliband and Nick Clegg later pointed to the man in the pub as the main reason why the public should, on no account, ever be entrusted with the hand grenade of a referendum.