Saturday, 6 November 2010

‘Iron Fists’ Farrelly Taunts Police

Hurrell went down like a sack of shit in the first round, according to Farrelly supporters
The All-In Parliamentary Wrestling Champion, Labour MP Paul ‘Iron Fists’ Farrelly, today issued a scornful challenge to Westminster police to ask him questions about the one-sided fight which saw him take the title from John ‘Two Jags’ Prescott.

The raging Newcastle-under-Lyme MP spectacularly seized the crown on Thursday evening by smashing unranked outsider Bjorn Hurrell to the floor at a no-holds-barred karaoke party at parliament’s Sports & Social Club, to the delight of a capacity crowd.

“Decent people should not see their lives blighted by nuisance and anti-social behaviour, nor should our children be led astray by a mindless minority, but when some jumped-up nobody gets between me and my pint then a line has been crossed,” said Mr Farrelly after his brutal slugging match. “Any normal person who is capable of defending themselves would have done exactly as I did, and twatted the fucker.”

A police spokesman deeply regretted that no formal complaint had been received about the incident, but urged Mr Hurrell to come forward and press charges against the Labour slugger - who in the meantime has issued them with an invitation to come on, if they think they’re hard enough.

“The force legend that is PC Savage has already taken his trusty truncheon down off the trophy shelf, and he’s giving it a good polish,” said Scotland Yard. “It’s got a notch for every bolshie Trot he hospitalised back in the good old days of the miners’ strike and poll tax march. He’s getting on a bit now, but he assures the public that the old magic’s still there and he’d love nothing better than to bring in a Labour MP for a few clarifications before he hangs up his riot gear.”

Expert Skier Blasts MoD For Churlishly Demanding Blast Tests On Blast-Proof Vehicles

It looks like a Tonka toy, says the Duke, and they're jolly tough
Prince Andrew, the Duke of York – one of the world’s leading amateur experts on golf, skiing and polo – has launched a withering broadside at MoD officials for tiresomely demanding blast tests on a bomb-proof vehicle.

During a visit to the Universal Engineering factory in Dorset which makes the Ranger, the prince suddenly exploded without warning.

“I say, why do they need to do blast tests?” he burst out during an agreeable lunch. “It’s just increasing the cost.”

“Now look here, these bloody nice chaps here assure me that this chunky-looking thingy they make here really is a pretty tough sort of customer,” he spluttered indignantly. “Well, that’s good enough for me, so it jolly well ought to be good enough for those twerps at the MoD. They ought to get off their fat backsides and order a couple of thousand off these fellows right away, if you ask me.”

Prince Andrew added that, in his capacity as a trade ambassador for Britain, he had met thousands of businessmen for lunch and trusted every single one of them.

“All the gifts they’ve given me over the years seemed to work splendidly,” he chortled as his glass was refilled. “And why wouldn’t they? Nobody ever made money from selling rubbish.”

“I flew a helicopter in the Falklands, you know,” he added, between mouthfuls. “So I think I know whereof I speak, thank you.”

A second-hand car dealer in Liverpool subsequently invited the Duke of York to share a ploughman’s with him in his local, saying he can have a couple of dozen low-mileage Micras with a sheet of boiler plate welded to the floorpan ready in a week if they get the royal seal of approval.

Friday, 5 November 2010

BBC Journalists’ Strike Reveals Extent Of Dependency On Agency Newsfeeds

What is it these people actually do? muse BBC managers
With journalists from the BBC on a 48-hour strike, the extent to which its once-respected news service now relies on simply cutting and pasting content from news agencies like Reuters and Associated Press was revealed by its utterly unaffected website and teletext pages.

However, a sudden shortage of presenters capable of sitting on their backsides in a studio and reading aloud at a steady three words per second has forced the cancellation of Radio 4’s Today programme and several Radio 5 Live shows, a BBC manager told an agency journalist whose subsequent report was instantly pasted onto a web page by a non-striking BBC technician.

BBC Director General Mark Thompson fearlessly took to the blogosphere to tell the world: "We believe that much of the output on the BBC will be unaffected by this action.”

Viewers and listeners are now eagerly waiting for some sort of explanation of just what it is that the corporation’s 4,100 NUJ members actually do.

Flying Now Clearly More Dangerous Than Taking A Bath, Moan Credulous

With two fatal air crashes today following hard on the heels of the exploding engine of a Qantas A380, the credulous are now absolutely convinced that boarding a passenger flight will lead to certain death, according to rubbish cluttering up the internet.

Today’s accidents in Cuba and Pakistan, which killed all 89 passengers and crew of the two aircraft – have now officially pushed the aviation death rate above bath-related slippage, inappropriate microwaving mishap and crushing by runaway hovercraft.

“WTF whats hapnd 2 gravety ppl??!!!” commented one concerned YouTube troll, speaking for many to whom the word ‘coincidence’ is as impossible to spell as it is to comprehend. “mutha earth (GAEIAIEA) is ANGERY we got 2 stop poluteing the sky’s with CON-trails NOW!!!”
Was Gaia acting on secret instructions from the Bilderberg Group?
Meanwhile, conspiracy theorists were utterly convinced that the crashes were the tragic result of terrorists or the CIA, which for many of them are, of course, one and the same thing.

“No doubt this has been reported in the Bilderberg/illuminati media CON-glomerate as ‘al quaida’ at work AGAIN,” posted a man who, oblivious to the fact that it hasn’t, has worked the whole thing out in his head with a little help from David Icke. “Planes will keep crashing until the federal ZIONIST ‘authorities’ stop persecuting the innocent Randy Quaida, who is seeking asylum in CANADA because he accidentally stumbled upon the TRUTH about Big Pharma.”

Meanwhile, a spokesman for the aviation industry mildly pointed out that, statistically, flying is still safer than attempting to negotiate a flight of stairs, but was promptly told to “fuck off” several hundred times in the ensuing flurry of fact-proof raving.

Thursday, 4 November 2010

Top-Fee Universities Must Show Poor Kids What They Will Miss, Insists Willetts

Make sure they see the sailing club facilities, urges minister
Universities which charge the full £9000 annual tuition fee must show schoolchildren from poor areas the facilities that their middle-class counterparts will go on to enjoy, insisted universities minister David Willetts.

“I am sure that wealthy students will be more than happy to see a third of their tuition fees spent on putting young underclass oiks firmly in their place by inviting them to ‘summer schools’ and showing them all the university facilities which they can never hope to afford to use,” announced the minister.

“In order to justify the top rate of fees, universities will be particularly expected to draw the attention of the poor to the wide range of extra-curricular activities available to the sons and daughters of the privileged, such as top-class sporting facilities,” he added. “This will remind them that, with luxury housing now occupying their former council grounds, the only sporting facility they will ever get to use is the car park in front of their disgusting council flats.”

The Russell Group of proper university chancellors, meanwhile, responded by rubbing their hands together with glee and announcing that all lecturers would be taught to speak Chinese.

Is Jon Snow A Terrorist? Ask Papers

This man hates everything you hold dear. FACT.
The daily papers were united today in demanding to know why Channel 4 journalist Jon Snow is allowed to roam freely on the streets of Britain without a poppy.

Reflecting public outrage, leader columns were filled with calls for his arrest for aiding and abetting terrorism, while numerous op-ed pieces urged his immediate special rendition to Guantanamo Bay.

“Millions of British soldiers died so that Jon Snow could wear a poppy,” thundered a delivery driver with a big faded poppy permanently wired to his van’s radiator grille. “If he don’t wear one, that’s exactly the same as if he walked into an army barracks and opened up with an AK47.”

“My granddad didn’t fight the Nazis so Jon Snow and his kind could refuse to conform,” he added angrily. “Scum like him don’t deserve to be treated like human beings. What I reckon, right, they ought to be rounded up and put in some kind of camp.”

Wednesday, 3 November 2010

Bishop Of Lewes Urges Church Traditionalists To Step Up Spitfire Production

Gunsights can be adjusted from A to GG, says the bishop
Speaking at the Reform conference of conservative Anglicans today, the Rt. Rev. Wallace Benn, Bishop of Lewes urged clergy and laity opposed to the ordination of women bishops to speed up the production of Spitfires, the issuing of gas masks and the conversion of altars into Morrison shelters.

"I feel very much increasingly that we're in January of 1939,” the bishop told other Church of England traditionalists who believe that testicles and a penis are absolutely essential to the proper exercising of diocesan duties. “What we must not do is create a phoney war, but we need to be aware that there is real serious warfare just around the corner. It's actually arrived in some places already.”

“If we do not have enough Spitfires flying round-the-clock patrols over every bishopric,” he warned, “There is every likelihood that specially-trained women in pastel-hued vestments might parachute into the midst of our flocks, laying into us with their matching croziers and gassing on about drawing parables from The X Factory, or whatever it may be."

At this point, the bishop - who is due to retire in two years - suddenly caught sight of a tea lady entering the room and dived for cover beneath a table shouting, “Put that bloody bint out!”

Campaigners with breasts were predictably outraged by the bishop’s comments, but his office later issued a statement pointing out that his “Churchillian” speech at no point actually mentioned Hitler or the Nazis.

“Although, compared to a woman, even Hitler would have made a half-decent bishop,” pointed out a spokesman. “At least he had one ball.  And when you think of Hitler, you're not distracted by an enormous pair of norks wobbling in front of your eyes.”

"Or if you are, that is a matter entirely between you and your Creator," he added.

Elected Tea Party Congressmen Vow To Force Baptism On Obama

Cletus Done Bought He A Purty Suit
With Republicans now in control of the US House of Representatives, winning candidates backed by the Tea Party have vowed to push a bill through Congress demanding a public statement of apostasy from the Muslim fundamentalist president, to be followed by the live televising of his forcible baptism in the waters of the Potomac river.

Meanwhile, in an unexpected blow for Fox News Channel and its followers, the Senate was narrowly held by people who doggedly remain unconvinced that Europe is an Islamic state.

Monday, 1 November 2010

Fast-Acting Tories Save World From Fearsome Outbreak Of Suicide Bombers Armed With Exploding Printer Accessories

From now on, it's tough tits if your printer runs out halfway across the Atlantic
Resolute home secretary Theresa May emerged from a top-level COBRA security meeting today to announce that the safety of the skies of the world was now assured, thanks to an immediate ban on passengers flying from UK airports with a cumbersome toner cartridge crammed into their hand luggage.

She added that the lethal office consumables would also be banned from cargo compartments and airfreight flights unless they originated from a reputable shipper, such as UPS, or had a combined weight of casing plus explosive of less than 500g.

Meanwhile, the prime minister told MPs after the meeting that it really was about time the world woke up and did something about terrorism.

“It is clear we must take every possible step to work with our partners in the Arab world to cut out the terrorist cancer that lurks in the Arabian peninsula," said Mr Cameron, although he skilfully refused to be drawn on whether ‘cutting out terrorist cancer’ might possibly involve a bloody invasion and fruitless ten-year occupation of Yemen.

Airlines, however, have reacted with dismay to the prospect of yet another layer of intrusive pestering of their customers.

"What happens, particularly in the coverage of the Yemeni issues of recent days, is that we have another huge lurch by the ‘securicrats’ into making travel even more uncomfortable and an even more tedious ordeal for the travelling public," warned Ryanair chief executive Michael O’Leary.

“That’s my job,” he asserted indignantly, revealing that he was in talks with Boeing about strengthening the cabin roofs of his 737 fleet to allow the suspension of his cheapskate passengers by their thumbs for the hellish duration of their flights.

‘Whoops,’ Say Labour MPs After Missing Chance To Vote Down Spending Review

The small number of coalition MPs present in the House of Commons today feared an embarrassing defeat when they realised that the Labour opposition had issued a three-line whip to its MPs, demanding their full attendance at the debate on the Comprehensive Spending Review – but breathed again when the deeply unpopular package was safely talked out of time at 6pm without a single Labour politician realising they could defeat it simply by asking the Speaker for a closure motion calling for a vote which they would certainly have won, with so many empty seats on the government benches.

“Sorry, I’m a bit new to this,” admitted Ed Miliband’s new chief whip appointee, Rosie Winterton. “Well, that’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it.”
Rosie Winterton may not have a clue about how parliament works, but on the plus side she can spot a mirror at 500 metres
Experienced but red-faced Labour MPs have so far remained in their seats, and look set to remain there for some time rather than face grinning parliamentary journalists in the lobby.

“Look, you can’t expect busy Labour MPs to waste their precious time familiarising themselves with the standing orders of the place they are paid £65,738 a year plus expenses to work in – or, for that matter, thinking about anything in particular apart from what to wear when it’s their turn to appear on Question Time,” explained one former parliamentarian. “That’s what you appoint a camera-friendly muppet with a vacant smile full of superb cosmetic dentistry to the post of chief whip for.”

Sunday, 31 October 2010

Housing Charity Confirms Boris Johnson’s Fears of Impending Servant Shortage

The homelessness charity Shelter today confirmed that London mayor Boris Johnson was right to express his concern that the government’s proposed cap on housing benefits would price the servant class out of the city, saying that research by Cambridge University clearly indicated that the majority of two-bedroom homes in Greater London would be priced beyond the reach of claimants.

“Without a pool of available labour on hand in the capital, Mr Johnson and his fellow Tory millionaires will be forced to club together to pay the costs of bussing their cleaners, drivers, valets and chimney sweeps down from the North of England and back every day,” said chief executive Campbell Robb.

“Of course, the comparatively minor shared expense of a few dozen minibuses might not lose them a great deal of sleep,” he added, “But perhaps they should ask themselves if they really want to place their lives and fragile, priceless household knick-knacks in the hands of a group of incomprehensible Northerners, who will be in a permanent semi-torpid state due to the daily rigours of a ten-hour round trip.”

PM David Cameron, however, remains unmoved - suggesting that he and other Tory grandees would be well-placed to mount an inexpensive bid for the athletes’ village currently under construction in the East End, once the London Olympics were over.

Hot-bunking should fit up to twelve skivvies into each hutch, says Cameron
“Owing to their strange lack of ensuite kitchen facilities, these accommodations are completely unviable for commercial letting purposes,” he pointed out. “On the other hand, this omission makes them perfect – and, of course, reassuringly cheap - barracks accommodation for our army of skivvies.”

Fry’s Harry Potter Leak Threatens Entire World, Insist Producers

Producers fear they will now have to scrap this set, or the movie magic will be lost forever
Film producers have warned that the safety of the world may now be under threat following the posting of a few snapshots of the Harry Potter sets on Stephen Fry’s Twitter page.

“The magic has gone,” wailed Alan Smithee, the film’s 2nd horrified deputy executive assistant associate producer. “Now nearly two million people know that Hogwarts school is destroyed in the final battle between Harry Potter and Lord Voldemort, the secret is out and the on-screen magic will be permanently nullified.”

When Fry innocently pointed out that anyone who had read Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows since its publication three years ago would already be well aware of the school’s destruction, Mr Smithee opened a bulging briefcase, letting the weighty tome fall with a thud onto his desk.

“Read that crap?” screamed Mr Smithee. “Who does this Fry guy think he’s kidding? Even the scriptwriters got bored and gave up after fifty pages.”

Haggard Britons Demand End To Tiresome Sum Ordeal

Facing once more the twice-yearly ordeal of trying to reset their alarm clocks, ovens, watches and cars to GMT, a hopelessly-confused British public renewed calls for the government to abolish the hated British Summer Time forever, before somebody’s brain tragically exploded.

“Do I, like, have to add one or take away?” howled a tear-streaked Sammi-Jo Bloggs, dropping her randomly-set collection of timepieces off at the council tip. “And why is it daylight? I can’t possibly be expected to do a sum every few months for the rest of my life. I’m talking to a solicitor first thing in the morning about compensation, yeah for like mental cruelty innit. If tomorrow is Monday, jenotameen? Is it?”

Horrible middle-class twerp Marcus Fellows sobbed in agreement, as he struggled to remove the dashboard of his Espace with an axe.

“The government ought to get its sodding act together and provide every last person in Britain with free radio-controlled clocks and watches,” he screeched. “And I want payment for the extra hour they’re forcing on me, too. I didn’t bloody ask for it. Call this democracy? You must be bloody joking, pal. I don’t remember Cameron putting this in his manifesto.”

“And another thing. If I live to be eighty - which I don’t think is an unreasonable expectation, since I don’t live in the North, thank God - they’ll have cut my life short by more than three days,” he added angrily. “You can bet your bottom dollar, matey, I’ll be wanting hefty compensation for that.”