Tuesday, 27 September 2011

TV Highlights

ITV1, Wednesday

The Jeremy Kyle Show

Party Political Broadcast On Behalf of the Labour Party


UEFA Champions League: Valencia v Chelsea

News At Ten

Rugby World Cup 2011: Highlights

Goodwood Revival 2011

Daily Mail Hackette On Suicide Alert After Confessing Shame Of Husband’s Unemployability

A Daily Mail freelancer is being kept under 24-hour suicide surveillance in case she decides she can no longer live with the ignominious humiliation of unemployment in her thoroughly middle-class family, especially after revealing her disgrace to 2,000,000 tutting readers.

“We were once a typical Daily Mail family – comfortable, bit dim, not super-rich,” sobbed ‘Jane Simmonds’ [all names have been changed so the neighbours won’t catch on - shame about the photo] in a heartrending description of the unending squalor of unemployment in the stockbroker belt. “Skiing in February, a nice hotel in Italy or Spain in the summer, just the one Freelander because my useless, freeloading husband can squeeze into my old Micra and bloody well like it until he starts paying his way. Just the bare essentials.”

A DFS sofa - this is the real tragedy of unemployment
Jane’s modest lifestyle suddenly came crashing down around her ears, however, on the fateful day her idiot husband’s bosses decided they might actually get some work done if it wasn’t for him zealously clogging up their inboxes with an endless torrent of meaningless strategic-management bollocks.

“Since Andy was made redundant four years ago now, our income has plummeted,” she moaned, as millions of already-tight sphincters clenched in horror. “No more bijou little boutique visits any more - we just have to slum it in off-the-peg tat from M&S - and Emily, Jack and Lucy have had to learn not to hurl the Wii at the telly every time they lose a game, because hardworking mummy can only afford one replacement Wii or TV a month now.”

The final indignity, however, came when her stupid, proletarian parents tactlessly gave her a cheque to help with the cost of the children’s riding and tennis lessons. “I thought about tearing it up, but they’re so shockingly working-class in their habits that they actually check their statements every month,” she shuddered. “When I handed that cheque over to a spiteful little grinning bank monkey, I burst into floods of tears. It was like being raped, I tell you, just like being raped.”

“Why won’t somebody give my useless husband Andy a job?” she wailed. “He’s got a History degree from Cambridge and one of those MBA things, you know, so he really is super-employable. He’s willing to do absolutely any job I can bear to admit to the appalling snobs next door, although maybe his forte isn’t in personnel management. Since he’s been at home to supervise the cleaner, I swear I’m finding more dust on top of the wardrobe, even though she always pretends to look so hot and flustered whenever I get home a bit early.”

Craven Labour Conference Delegates Neglecting To Crucify Ed Balls

The beast must die
George Osborne today lambasted rank-and-file Labour Party members for spinelessly failing to instruct their representatives at the party’s annual conference to string up Ed Balls from the nearest lamp post.

“The implosion of the global economy and, with it, the irreversible decline and fall of Western civilisation, can be laid firmly at the door of one man and one man only,” squeaked the chancellor of the exchequer, “And that man is Ed Balls. Kill it. Kill it now, and maybe the gods of finance will be appeased. Or something. It’s got to be worth a try.”

“Of course, I’ll miss our amusing sparring sessions in the Commons, in which he always contrives to make me look a bit of a charlie even though I’m absolutely right about everything,” he smirked. “But it’s a sacrifice I’m sure I shall learn to get used to.”

Monday, 26 September 2011

Andrew Marr To Lead Mail’s Holy Crusade To Save Christ

The righteous forces of Christian decency, a/k/a the Daily Mail, today proudly announced that the saintly Andrew Marr has seen the light and vowed to join its crusade to rescue their imperilled Lord and Saviour from the wicked BBC.

Mail readers plan to make their views known to the BBC
Archbishop Dacre solemnly warned a shocked world yesterday that “sin-loving cunts” who run the BBC have hatched a dastardly plot to murder Our Lord Jesus Christ by erasing His name from history, replacing the god-fearing ‘Anno Domini’ and ‘Before Christ’ with blasphemous references to some ghastly ‘common’ era which they fervently hope will utterly obliterate all of Our Blessed Lord and Master’s sacred years – erasing Him completely from human history.

“I do solemnly reject the heretic teachings of the BBC and humbly beg Archbishop Dacre’s sweet forgiveness,” grovelled the born-again penitent, prostrating himself before the righteous readers of Middle England. “Amen.”

“Let that awkward business about St. Andrew’s superinjunction concerning the unfortunate spilling of his seed in some non-matrimonial fanny now be cast into outer darkness,” proclaimed the acknowledged spiritual leader of Middle England, rising up and girding himself with the Armour of God, the Sword of Christ and the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch. “Come, my devoted flock, and take up arms with us against the vile Mohammedan cunts of Shepherd’s Bush who flagrantly seek to wipe The Holy Lamb of God from the pages of history.”

Sunday, 25 September 2011

Labour Tempts Students With Lifetime Of Slightly Less Debt

Miliband 2, the regent of the Labour Party until anyone better comes along, has single-handedly recaptured the youth vote today by dangling the promise of a marginally smaller mountain of crushing debt for future generations of impoverished graduates to defer.

"We're going to get lots of people, talented people, put off from going to university by £9,000 fees,” droned the lesser Miliband, speaking before his party conference begins to address the vexing question of how to differentiate themselves from the other two parties. “But if those fees were slashed to a trifling £6,000 a year, I guarantee they’d be stampeding into higher education.”

Students can barely contain their glee
Miliband 2 went on to dream that his extraordinary munificence would be funded by retaining the current level of corporation tax which his party’s rich corporate friends strenuously avoid paying, and by charging higher interest on the student loans of graduates who stroll into the millions of jobs paying more than £65,000 which exist only in his imagination.

“Let me see now. Under the Conservatives, I’m going to have to hack away an impossible £27,000 debt mountain - not counting the interest - before I could even contemplate a mortgage and kids,” said one sixth-former, who is hoping that a good degree in Engineering might one day swing him a part-time job stacking shelves in a supermarket for £6.50 an hour. “But, under Labour, I’d only have to clear an impossible £18,000? Please excuse my tears of gratitude.”

“This is a truly fantastic deal for students,” smiled utterly independent NUS President and Labour Party member Liam Burns, through gritted teeth. “Vote Labour.”

Tired Old Spitting Image Jokes Revisited

Dr Liam Fox’s Birthday Party
Fox: What would you like to eat, Dave?
Cameron: I’ll have the steak.
Fox: How would you like it?
Cameron: Lean. (sobs) Very, very lean.
Fox: And what about the vegetables?
Cameron: You and Mrs Thatcher will have the same as me.