Saturday, 13 December 2008

All Wrongs Righted Forever By Facebook Event

Hundreds of concerned but simplistic Facebook users are marching today from one place to another as part of a protest organised through the popular social networking site, which is certain to ensure that no other child anywhere in the world with a single-letter name should ever again suffer the tragic fate of Baby P.

"Our group is Justice March for Baby P but we are not forgetting babies A-Z," declared Dolly Barton, one of the organisers. The group is seeking urgent - though unspecified - changes in child protection laws and social services, and begs supporters: "Please let's stop this happening again and again. A little stroll through town on Saturday should sort it."

The nationwide protests will culminate in the delivery of petitions to 10 Downing Street, demanding that the government act immediately to stop really bad things from ever happening again.

"What we want is... er... I dunno reely," said Plymouth marcher Sammy-Leanne, 19, who had left her three children at home in the care of a Playstation 2. "It's all the bloody Social's fault, yeah? They ort to take babies off child-murderers, right, before they like murder them and that, shouldn't they? Obvious."

The march is expected to save the lives of trillions of at-risk children - and all thanks to the mighty power of Facebook.

Police Operation Results In Unfortunate Deaths of Entire Menezes Jury

The jury in the Jean Charles de Menezes inquest have all been mistakenly killed by heavily-armed police officers, seconds after delivering a damning open verdict on the death of the Brazilian electrician at the hands of the Metropolitan Police three years ago.

Surviving eyewitnesses reported that the jury foreman had just told coroner Sir Michael Wrong: "Since we've been royally stitched up by you, mate, we the jury would like to point the blame squarely at the murdering bastard police in the only way available to us, by returning an open verdict. You know exactly what we mean."

Moments later, dozens of anti-terrorist experts from the elite Bastard Squad burst into the courtroom, causing pandemonium. Terrified jurors were pinned to the floor by burly officers in flak jackets while their colleagues emptied their automatic rifles into the jurors' heads. Amid scenes of uproar in the public gallery, a gore-spattered senior officer stood up and apologised to the coroner for the unfortunate incident.

"All right, guv'nor? I'm sure you heard me clearly shout to the jury - whom we understandably mistook, in the heat of the moment, for a highly dangerous cell of al-Qaeda martyrs - to stand perfectly still," he told a nodding Sir Michael.

The coroner told the officer that he quite understood, and looked forward to presiding over the subsequent inquest into the slaughter.

Britain Responsible For Non-Existent Epidemic, Claims Mugabe Ally

A close ally of President Mugabe, Disinformation Minister Sikhanyiso Nvodlu, has blamed the UK for the outbreak of cholera which does not exist in Zimbabwe.

The country's liar-in-chief told the world's media that the non-outbreak - which has killed 792 fictitious people - was "a calculated, racist, terrorist attack on Zimbabwe."

President Robert Mugabe has already claimed that the Western powers have deliberately infected him with a terrifying strain of megalomania, causing a massive outbreak of pathological lying and leading to a fatal disdain for his people's welfare.

"Zimbabwe's sewers contain nothing but pure spring water with a slight zest of lemon, and our hospitals are closed only because nobody in this Earthly paradise ever needs one," he told reporters. "You see? There I go again. I can't help myself."

Other African nations, however, are still clinging to the fond belief that all of Zimbabwe's problems will magically disappear, if only Mr Mugabe and his political rival Morgan Tsvangirai would just shake hands and sort out their minor differences of opinion.

Meanwhile, the British government has poured scorn on Mr Nvodlu's claims.

"If we had really been developing cholera as a biological weapon, rest assured that it would have accidentally leaked out into the population of Britain by now," pointed out Foreign Secretary Miliband One.

Friday, 12 December 2008

Britain Reported Lost in Moral Maze

The tabloid press was today diagnosed as suffering from acute schizophrenia, in the wake of the savage torture and murder of a convicted child sex offender by a vicious mob of moral paragons.

Readers were left stunned and confused, as odd-numbered pages condemned the brutal lynching, whilst pages on the left continued to whip up their raging paedo-frenzy.

"I don't understand," said one slack-jawed Sun reader. "For years I've been led to believe that we need to bring back the death sentence to deal with these sick perverts, and they want to have their goolies cut off. Some bunch of decent, public-spirited vigilantes have done the coppers' jobs for them - i.e. cut this bugger's goolies off and topped him - and now the papers are calling them a baying mob of murdering thugs. I don't get it. My moral compass is all over the place. Somebody, please, tell me what to think."

More blindly self-righteous members of the public were unmoved, however.

"The law in this country's a sick joke these days, innit?" snarled one concerned parent. "If they get nicked, these heroes - these saints what's walkin' among us! - are looking at twelve years minimum. Twelve bleedin' years! They ought to give 'em all bloody knighthoods! I hope they all went straight back home after, all covered in perv blood, and told their little angels what they done on their behalf! They done 'em proud, if you ask me. Gawd bless 'em! Makes me proud to be British."

"Know what I think?" she went on. "We ought to abolish the police and the courts - cos they're a joke, right - and take the law into our own hands. There's single mums on benefits just down the road, living the life of Riley and laughing at the likes of decent, hard-working folk like you and me, and it really pisses me off. I'd sew their fannies up, I would straight. That'd stop their little game. Same with the unemployed, the lazy buggers. I'd round them all up, hand them a shovel each, force them to dig a bloody great hole, then shoot them all. Except for me dad of course, it's not his fault he's got stress and a bad back, is it?"

"As for them Muslims," she added, "Don't get me started."

"We're currently at an early stage in our enquiries, and are keeping an open mind about the circumstances of this man's death," commented DCI Nick Gent of the Metropolitan Police. "It could be a particularly vigorous form of suicide, for example, or maybe Mr Cunningham could have tripped over and fallen into a large box of knives - possibly twenty or thirty times."

Wednesday, 10 December 2008

'Stop Crapping Everywhere and Prepare For Colonialist Invasion', Mugabe Tells Zimbabwe

President Robert Mugabe has told his starving, diseased populace that Britain and America are scheming to persuade the United Nations to invade Zimbabwe, in the wake of the ongoing cholera epidemic.

“The colonial arch-imperialist Brown and his lackeys, the Americans, want to annexe our beautiful, prosperous country on the trumped-up excuse that some of you have a mild case of the trots,” said the 84-year-old dictator. “Now is the time for all loyal Zimbabweans - that means everyone, by the way - to put on a big nappy, pick up their AK47 and shoot the first white racist bastard they see coming down the street.”

“I’m pleased to see that eighteen - and counting - human rights activists and MDC advisors are so eager to repel the white peril that they have gone to ground, presumably to form a Vietcong-style resistance movement in the event of foreign occupation,” he added. “In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if more and more of them turned out to be occupying holes in the ground in the next few days.”

Ordinary Zimbabweans suffering from the rapid spread of cholera - caused by the total breakdown of the bankrupt nation’s neglected infrastructure - were deeply moved by their President’s appeal.

“Until recently, I couldn’t give a shit about anything Mugabe said,” said one dying Harare resident sitting on a bucket. “Now I give a shit about every five minutes. If the neo-colonialist invaders are coming, could they bring a few hundred sanitation engineers, a convoy of antibiotics and about fifty million water purification tablets, please?”

People Are Drinking at Xmas Parties, Announces Horrified Government

Almost half of young people attending their workplace Christmas party will need to consume alcohol in order to avoid telling their boss to stick their crappy job up his own rectum, according to a government nanny.

According to a poll conducted for the government’s Alcohol Is Really Very Bad campaign, 43% of drinkers aged between 18 and 34 said they needed to get absolutely shit-faced before mustering the necessary confidence to throw a glass of cheap tanker wine in the face of their smug superiors and give them a piece of their mind.

Of the remainder, 44% said they didn’t need any Dutch courage, they’d do it anyway and the other 3% said, “See me in my office tomorrow, 9 o’clock sharp. And don’t bother packing your lunch.”

‘I Hate You And I Want You To Die,’ Purnell Tells Jobseekers

Work, Slavery and Pensions Minister James Purnell today announced the government’s much-heralded shake-up of the benefits system, with the launch of a White Paper aimed at forcing the jobless to jump through hoops and perform tricks for the entertainment of Middle England - or face eviction, starvation and a pitiful death in a back alley.

“Lissen up an' lissen good, scum,” snarled the minister. “We graciously gives you a fat handout every fortnight to piss up against the wall, see? Well, now we wants something in return. From now on you’re gonna have to work or starve. Some of you crafty beggars might get orf light wiv some noddy course in pick-pocketry, but I expect most of you will be put to work stacking shelves in my good friend Mr Fagin’s supermarket.”

The draconian scheme does not, however, extend to decent gentlefolk from the home counties who might be experiencing the unlooked-for embarrassment of finding themselves, through no fault of their own, temporarily bereft of employment due to the global economic situation. Instead, such worthy, deserving cases will be given access to free Master’s degree courses, with the fees paid out the universities' funds.

“Course, all that rough talk wot I was giving out earlier, that’s just for them working-class shirkers, innit guv? It don’t apply to the likes of you an’ me,” Mr Purnell told a packed House of Commons. “Dare I say it, a lot of us ‘uns is goin’ to be down the social usselves in a year or so’s time. Coo, fancy me with a Master’s in Political Science, eh? Lavly jubbly!”

Several rebellious backbench Labour MPs have, however, expressed outrage at the minister’s proposals, and are threatening to create a storm of protest until they are bought off with some token promises. Some went so far as to claim that the government was, in effect, turning its back on the welfare state.

"When them bloody Trots dumped a cradle-to-grave welfare state on Britain in 1945, amid all the general hoohah about a fairer society an' all that tosh they must of clean forgot to exclude all them working-class buggers," Mr Purnell went on. "Now it's time to fix that good an' proper. Stands to reason, dunnit?"

All over the south east, the middle classes were reported to be frothing with delight at Mr Purnell's announcement.

"This not only promises unnecessary misery and humiliation for the hoi polloi," said a futures trader from Kingston who had recently received a P45, "It reassures people like me that we're not like them at all."

He then shouted over the garden fence to his neighbour: "What's that subject you teach, Bryan? See you in class tomorrow!"

Tuesday, 9 December 2008

Government To Sweep Cigarettes Under The Counter

The government today announced life-saving plans to pretend that cigarettes don’t exist.

The lethal death-sticks will be hidden from sight at counters up and down the country, a move which health campaigners say will prevent the exceptionally stupid - whom they define as young people - from purchasing them.

“If cigarettes are removed from public display, people will just walk past the supermarket’s fag counter, assuming that it only sells lottery tickets,” said the BMA’s Dr Benito Hitler. “Of course, the counter will have to be six feet high to contain all the fag packets, but that will be an extra disincentive to buy these deadly hell-tubes. Especially for the short, who are particularly at risk as there is less of them to be eaten away by cancer.”

Ministers are also minded to replace counter staff with uniformed police. Furthermore, smokers will be banned from mentioning any brand names, forcing them to request the tar-and-nicotine cocktail of their choice in code. Examples include:

20 B&H: “I have a huge wart on my private parts”;

A multipack of Marlboro: “I touch small children”;

A packet of Rizlas: “I am wearing a bomb belt.”

Smokers will also have their photographs and fingerprints taken, with the details being added to the police database under the heading ‘sociopathic recidivists and probable criminal masterminds'.

The ghost of record-breaking multi-instrumentalist Roy Castle, speaking through a British Medical Association-approved medium, endorsed the new measures, saying: “I speak for all non-smokers when I say my death was entirely caused by breathing other people’s second-hand smoke, despite an annoying-but-irrelevant lack of evidence for this belief. Anyone who dares to question me is a dangerous subversive and should be reported to the authorities immediately. Buy Niquitin, kids - it’s a record habit-breaker!”

RAF Still Infallible, Say RAF Chiefs

The Defence Secretary, John Hutton, confirmed this morning that RAF top brass are by nature infallible, refusing to accept that the Mull of Kintyre helicopter crash was caused by anything other than blatant pilot incompetence by Flight Lieutenants Jonathan Tapper and Rick Cook.

Relatives of the dead crew have long maintained that the 1994 crash - in which a Chinook HC Mk2 helicopter carrying police and military intelligence staff from Northern Ireland flew into a fog-covered hillside, killing all 29 on board - may not have been caused by the pilots being too stupid to check the radar, as the RAF Board of Inquiry insists.

They suggest instead that, with known failures of the type’s Textron-Lycoming FADEC engine management system causing engines to shut down or surge, leading to a catastrophic loss of control, the Mk2 Chinook may perhaps not have been the safest aircraft ever to take to the skies. This view, they claim, may perhaps have been on the experts’ minds at RAe Farnborough when they refused to test-fly the type.

The Defence Secretary, however, unequivocally dispelled all doubts in his statement.

“The workings of the Ministry of Defence are mysterious and wonderful to behold,” he said. “When it comes down a choice of whether to pin the blame on the top brass or a couple of convenient dead guys, the top brass are united in telling me that the only sensible course of action is the latter - all the more so since Textron-Lycoming have such a pro-active legal department.”

“History and experience shows that the powers-that-be would never show such callous disregard for the lives of serving personnel as to push defective equipment into service,” he added. “The Snatch Land Rover, the SA80 rifle, the Nimrod, the Hercules - the list of utterly safe, well-designed kit is endless.”

Reassured citizens are reported to be queuing up outside recruiting centres today, keen to join up now that they know their welfare is indeed the paramount consideration of the chiefs of staff.

Monday, 8 December 2008

British Raise Eyebrow at Volatile Antics of Excitable Foreigners

The great British public were moved today to raise a collective eyebrow at continuing scenes of anti-police rioting in Greece - now in their third day - following the shooting of teenager Alexandros Andreas Grigoropoulos on Saturday.

Despite the arrest of two police officers - who had claimed that they only fired warning shots - over the shooting, the hot-headed protests show no sign of abating.

All over Britain, viewers were tutting in disapproval at their televisions at the embarrassing public displays of emotion by rioting Greek anarchists.

“We really don’t go in for that kind of thing over here, you know,” said Acting Chief Commissioner Sir Paul Stephenson of the Metropolitan Police. “Look at what happened when our boys shot that Brazilian chap: absolutely bugger all. And he wasn’t chucking rocks, either - he was just minding his own business. Any other country in the world, you’d have had riots in the streets, and the officers concerned would be hung out to dry by the courts. Thank God for the legendary phlegmatic national character of the typical Brit.”

Sir Paul was interrupted, however, by the news that a group of protesters in London was attempting to storm the Greek embassy.

“Right lads, time to unwrap the Tasers,” he announced. “Let’s see how they protest when they’re shitting themselves with 10,000 volts up the arse. Everyone got their headcams? This’ll look bloody hilarious on YouTube.”

‘Climate Change Action Needed,‘ Says Miliband, ‘But Not Like That’

57 environmental protesters brought widespread disruption to Stansted Airport this morning, hours after Climate Change Secretary Miliband Two called for world action to protect the environment.

The protesters from campaign group Plane Stupid occupied a taxiway 50 metres from the main runway, chaining themselves to concrete blocks to draw attention to the aviation industry’s 13% contribution to total UK carbon dioxide emissions, and bringing chaos to the air travel industry for five hours before they were removed.

Delay-hit passengers said they were generally sympathetic to the issue of climate change, but said they would rather their own flights had left on time, all things considered.

“Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want my children to grow up on a toxic, barren, dying planet,” said one impatient traveller. “But I also don’t want to sit around here twiddling my thumbs when I could be shopping in Paris. Why can’t they just take off anyway? One or two protesters sucked into a turbofan is a price worth paying for my God-given right to buy things in the European capital of my choice.”

Miliband Two later issued a statement clarifying his position on climate protests.

“When I told the papers I wanted to see a global mass-protest movement to pressure world leaders into tackling climate change, what I meant was that campaigners should go to China or India and politely wave the odd placard or two at their politicians,” he intoned. “I certainly don’t condone inconsiderate actions like this, which aim to upset decent British people by suggesting that the ruination of the world’s fragile environment may, in some way, be related to their privileged lifestyles.”

A spokesman for Stansted operators BAA reassured travellers that the airport was rapidly returning to normal levels of service and pollution.

Sunday, 7 December 2008

Book Pile, with guest reviewer: Gordon Brown

First of all let me say a big ‘Hullo!’ to all you discerning readers of the Nev Filter. Thanks to my growing database, I feel that I almost know you personally. (I certainly know where you live!)
I think the biggest literary influence on my life (and by extension, yours) has been George Orwell. I believe that the first of his books I ever read was probably ‘Keep The Aspidistra Flying’, during my student days. It’s all about a young professional man of staunchly egalitarian principles, who wilfully descends into a squalid, futile life of poverty before necessity finally forces him to abandon his cherished beliefs and rejoin the suburban middle classes. I took Orwell’s message to be simply this: why bother with principles in the first place? It took me a while to get them all out of my system, of course, and you’ll find me in the eighties coming out with the occasional line of socialist dogma in interviews; but you can see my heart isn’t really in it!
Actually, now I come to think of it, I must have read ‘Animal Farm’ as a small child. That, as I’m sure you’ll recall, is the one in which Orwell described how a humble pig could rise to the top by pretending to be some kind of socialist. I don’t know why, but that book must have really spoke to me on an instinctive level because I’d quite forgotten that I ever read it. It’s as if its message has permeated every atom of my being. Memory can play strange tricks - as any of you who think you remember me admitting to talking like a socialist in the eighties will surely agree!
Talking of the eighties, that’s when I got round to reading Orwell’s masterpiece, ‘1984’. I remember thinking, “What a perfect vision of society!” and decided to dedicate my life to making his utopian world a reality. I explained the book to my then-friend Tony Blair (naturally, he was too lowbrow to actually read it) and together we set about making it happen. Even before the historic 1997 election, we had created a party in which dissent was ruthlessly quashed, so we were able to hit the ground running. Eleven years on, and just look at our achievements:
TV cameras monitoring people’s daily lives: check!
Permanent state of war: check!
Faceless, unaccountable bureaucracy: check!
Rewriting history to airbrush out embarrassing incidents: check!
The proletarian masses kept docile by beer and undemanding entertainment: check!
Regular media-led Hates to harmlessly dispel the people’s frustration with their powerlessness: check!
Creating an artificial language devoid of all meaning (e.g. ‘New Labour’, ‘war on terror’, ‘patient choice‘, ‘lessons have been learned’, ‘Private Finance Initiative‘, ‘credit crunch’, ‘Employment and Support Allowance’): check!
Job pretty much done, I think you’ll find!
Anyway, recently I’ve been finding the time to read some more of Orwell‘s works. ‘The Road To Wigan Pier’, for example, painted a fascinating picture of how people in the thirties had such a community spirit, despite living in abject poverty. So, as I recreate a similar level of poverty, I’m sure that we’ll soon see a return to the happy, thriving streets of yesteryear! I’ve also taken Orwell’s uncertainty about council housing to heart - which is why I’m encouraging local authorities to flog them all off cheap to private landlords. High rents and the constant fear of eviction certainly gave people a mighty powerful incentive to stick at their soul-destroying, poorly-paid jobs, working all the hours God sent just to keep a roof over their heads.
Finally, having just turned the last page of ‘Down And Out In Paris And London’, I’ve been inspired to rack up the pressure on the jobless. I’m looking into all manner of new ways to cut off their benefits as a means of encouraging the feckless workshies into the welcoming clutches of big business. Those of you who can still afford to drive can look forward to seeing armies of the unemployed shuffling along the highways and byways of Britain in a desperate search for work of any kind or, if they’re humble enough to grovel, maybe a grudgingly-given charity handout. Eventually, I hope, they will sod off to France or one of our other European partners and cease to be a blight on the landscape of this wonderful country of ours.
Of course, as an author it has to be admitted that Orwell has his failings. He adopts a hectoring, superior tone at times which I, for one, find seriously irritating. It’s as if, having created and defined a perfect world, he can’t be happy unless he finds some minor fault with it! Honestly, some people are never happy, are they?
Finally, somebody mentioned to me the other day that Orwell also wrote a rather  unpleasant book called ‘Homage to Catalonia’, in which he described a nation wracked by bloody civil war, in which the population rose up in favour of socialism - only to find themselves riven by petty internal divisions, brutally crushed by the dark forces of inhuman authoritarianism and subjugated mercilessly under a pitiless, cynical dictator for the next forty years.
Although I must say I don’t really have a problem with the ending, as such, nevertheless the starting premise of this book sounds highly dodgy to me. Fortunately, though, it wasn’t anywhere to be seen on the bookshelves of my local Waterstones - and if they want to be on Peter Mandelson’s list of businesses in line for a life-saving windfall courtesy of the taxpayer, they’ll keep it that way!
Happy reading!