Saturday, 21 May 2011

Firefighters Standing By To Douse Rapture Preacher’s Fiery Trousers

Harold Camping, the 89-year-old Californian evangelist whose Holy Slide Rule Of Jesus told him the Rapture would take place “beyond a shadow of a doubt” at 6pm today, has been surrounded by firefighters who are ready to spray him with thousands of gallons of water at the first sign of smoke pouring from his trousers.

The rolling Rapture has so far passed over New Zealand and Australia without any reports of fervent God-botherers rocketing spaceward at 6pm local time - although Fortean observers warn that this should not necessarily be taken as proof that Mr Camping is full of shit, pointing out that the special kind of Christians the engineer-turned-prophet probably had in mind are almost exclusively confined to the United States.

Don't mock, O ye of little faith - it could happen
However, they added that they are particularly looking forward to the passing of the deadline in California, hoping to ask the self-appointed harbinger of the world’s end whether his own widely-expected non-elevation to heaven means he is a bloody liar, a silly old fart or just a God-damned sin-loving bastard like the rest of us.

NASA scientists, meanwhile, have calculated that the phased passage of the Rapture across the surface of the Earth suggests that, far from being present everywhere at once, God can be presumed to lie somewhere along a precise tangent to both the Earth’s axis and the direction of the sun.

“We’re pointing Hubble thataways right now,” said NASA’s Dr Randy Von Braun. “If we can follow the trail of exploding Christians through space, we should be able to get a pretty good fix on Heaven.”

Friday, 20 May 2011

Screens Full Of Porn Finally Curing Mac Users’ Insufferable Smugness

Apple Mac owners are rapidly being cured of the patronising smugness that makes them so eminently punchable, as their screens rapidly fill up with pornography thanks to the MACDefender scareware app they inadvertently downloaded.

Ha ha, wanker
As any PC owner could have told them, the fake anti-virus app lurks behind dodgy links which, when clicked, install the program on the user’s computer and pepper the screen with unwanted images. In an amusing new twist, MACDefender waits until the user has left the computer unattended and then fills their screen with graphic porn - leading to a catastrophic loss of status as their colleagues and family decide that, despite their frequent claims to be the coolest dude they will ever meet, the Mac user really is just the compulsive masturbator they always suspected.

Long queues are forming at Apple Stores all over the world, as highly affected victims sob “make the bad thing that turned my lovely Mac into a nasty horrid PC go away” at harassed ‘expert’ staff who, for the first time in their lives, have a problem to deal with which is not directly attributable to Apple’s cool designers.

In a further blow to Mac fans’ massively over-inflated sense of self-worth, the unwanted app also brings to a crashing halt their unwelcome willingness to scorn lowly Windows PC users’ constant vigilance at every opportunity with supercilious claims that security woes simply do not afflict their lovely Apple products.

“Ha ha ha,” sympathised a typical Windows user. “Welcome to my world, suckers.”

“Ha ha-ha, ha-ha, ha ha,” he added.

Netunyahu Coins World’s Greatest Understatement

Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netunyahu today made the record books, as he told America - with unprecedented understatement – that it “does not understand reality”.

“Mr Netunyahu was talking specifically about Washington’s blithe suggestion that Israel revert to its pre-1967 borders, of course,” commented a spokesman for Ripley’s Believe-It Truthitorium (formerly Ripley’s Believe-It-Or-Not Odditorium), “But when you factor in all the crap that’s currently floating around about tomorrow’s Rapture and add it to decades of furious denials of the bleeding obvious and equally barmy belief in any old nonsense that they pick up on Fox News Channel – well, to say that Americans don’t understand reality is like… like… No, I’m sorry, there’s simply no adequate simile or metaphor in any known language.”

“Except perhaps the secret language spoken by angels, greys, lizard men and beings from the eleventh dimension,” he added. “Yeah, I bet they know exactly what it’s like.”

David Cameron, meanwhile, was quick to declare Britain’s unqualified and enthusiastic support for whatever load of utter cobblers America thinks it does understand.

Thursday, 19 May 2011

Women Flapping About Something Or Other Again

Take cover, chaps
Women have got a bee in their bonnet about some damned thing or other, their long-suffering partners warned the public today.

It is difficult to gather exactly what it is that women are blowing off about this time, according to researchers - but the gist of it seems to be that, whatever it is, men seem to be the cause of it as usual.

“I heard something about Ken Clarke, I think,” said a man in Bury St Edmunds, who had taken refuge in his shed. “Apparently he writes about everything from a male perspective. Or was it Philip Roth letting all the rapists out of prison? God knows. I just said ‘I’m sure you’re right, dear,’ and decided it was probably a good time to do a bit of potting until EastEnders shuts her up for five minutes.”

A woman whose jaw was flapping nineteen to the dozen went, “Drip, drip, drip.”

Simplified Train Fares To Be Further Simplified Into One Price For All Tickets

This is the age of the train (36 years)
The government has announced another full review of train fares, with a view to simplifying them even more than a couple of years ago, when the last review of train fares was announced.

“The problem, in a nutshell, is that these bloody passengers will keep getting on trains all over the place and getting off wherever they damn well please,” complained transport secretary Richard Hammond. "Because of this, God only knows how many different tickets there are. More than ten, I reckon. Easily.”

“Not wishing to pre-empt the independent review’s findings, but I imagine some fares might have to go up, while others will probably go down,” he added. “By ‘some fares’ I mean singles, returns and season tickets, and by ‘others’ I mean the 14-day First Class All-Line Rail Rover.”

“Basically, all tickets will cost £989,” he concluded. “Unless you want to arrive at your destination in time to actually do anything, of course. I'm afraid that’s going to cost you.”

Wednesday, 18 May 2011

Olympic Flame Unlikely To Make It Out Of Plymouth

Plymouth's inmates are already making plans
Britain’s security chiefs are desperately trying to persuade Olympic planners to amend the route of the Olympic Torch in 2012, citing the virtual impossibility of guaranteeing its safe passage through the lawless dirt-tracks of Plymouth.

“If the council get their hands on it they’ll use it to send the old Palace Theatre up in flames, which will conveniently release them from their statutory duty to repair the place and send a huge bill they know will never be paid to the prison cell of its drug-dealing owner,” warned a senior MI5 officer. “But that probably won’t happen, as it’s quite likely to be seized first by public-spirited citizens to roast them alive inside their tumbledown Civic Centre and Council Chamber.”

Meanwhile, a spokesman for the Devon & Cornwall Police in Exeter pointed out that the local tribes - fascinated by the bright shiny thing – will almost certainly beat the crap out of its hapless bearer, make an unsuccessful attempt to flog it to Wants and finally break it over the heads of their feral hellspawn.

“That’s if the howling wind and rain don’t extinguish it on the way over the Tamar Bridge, of course, before it even gets into Plymouth,” he added. “Look, there’s this little bridge over the Tamar at Sydenham Damerel which nobody in Plymouth knows a thing about. From there, you can sneak it across Dartmoor via Okehampton… er... on second thoughts, perhaps it might be best if you just flew it straight to Exeter.”

Britain Eyes Up Enormous Nuclear Cock Options

Swivel-eyed defence secretary Dr Liam Fox told Parliament today that Britain will definitely hold onto its enormous nuclear cock, as he proudly ordered some new black nuclear swimming trunks to keep it in.

Labour’s shadow defence secretary, Jim Murphy, applauded Dr Fox’s decision, saying that waving an enormous nuclear cock had been the cornerstone of the nation’s peace and security for fifty years.

"As long as there are other countries with similar capabilities, it is right the UK retains an independent nuclear cock," he told MPs. “Even if we are all on the same side.”

“We will, of course, consider our girly-boy coalition partners’ typically limp-wristed request to look into options that don’t involve a great big nuclear cock,” drooled Dr Fox. “Although, frankly, anything else would just look silly poking out of our glistening nuclear swimming trunks.”

“If Mr Clegg is so keen to strut about bollock naked,” he added, “Perhaps he ought to remember that everybody has been sniggering at the Liberals’ limp elections for decades.”

Tuesday, 17 May 2011

Joyful Dublin Welcomes Queen’s Historic Visit With Traditional Bomb Threats And Security Blockades

The queen thinks this is what all Irish people wear
Dubliners have taken the Queen’s historic visit of peace and reconciliation to their hearts today, responding in the best traditions of legendary Irish hospitality by joyfully proclaiming bomb warnings and erecting ceremonial security barriers around the warm, welcoming heart of Dublin.

On her arrival at a military airfield dressed in an emerald green cylinder, the Queen was welcomed by Irish president Mary McAleese with the charming Gaelic greeting of “Iair taoichian dair fechian pis ai.” When she later took part in a wreath-laying ceremony at the Garden of Remembering What Youse Bastards Did So to acknowledge the victims of British rule, however, she had changed into a tubular white outfit. Prince Philip, meanwhile, showed his respect by wearing the full ceremonial dress uniform of a Black and Tan.

Gardai helpfully cleared the streets of central Dublin, enabling Her Majesty to indulge in a walkabout, for once delightfully unhampered by tiresome commoners trying to stick ghastly little flags up her nose. Elsewhere, citizens demonstrated their enthusiasm for Britain’s ruling monarch by releasing hundreds of black balloons.

Later, she was driven to the president’s residence at a stately 3½mph, due to the weight of two-inch armour plate added to the car to prevent the driver from getting carried away with enthusiasm.

The queen is said to be delighted with the extraordinary efforts made by the Irish people to accommodate her family’s well-known love of uniforms; indeed, she is unlikely to see anyone not wearing one at any time during her state visit.

“Things have changed, to be sure,” commented one happy Dubliner. “In the old times, we were dirt poor and the filthy English were rolling in it. Now we’re dirt poor and so are they, the murdering Protestant shites.”

Government Hates Us, Says Bumptious Comedy-Sidekick Policeman

That will be all
The chairman of the sergeants committee, PC49, warned fellow police officers today that government ministers “hate the police service” and want to destroy it, demonstrating the shrewd powers of observation for which police sergeants are renowned throughout Britain.

An inspector swiftly called, telling his bumptious underling to go and look after the motor, and explained to members of the press: “Ladies and gentlemen, I’m afraid I must apologise for Sergeant PC49 who, in his admirable enthusiasm to make an arrest, regrettably has a slight tendency to bypass the methodical deductive process - usually with comic results."

"I can say quite categorically that the government is not on our list of suspects," he added. "Everybody else in Britain, however, is.”

Monday, 16 May 2011

Libyan Police Strangely Reluctant To Arrest Gadaffi

Despite the issuing of an arrest warrant for Colonel Muammar Gadaffi and his son Saif for war crimes, Libya’s police admitted that they have not so far managed to place either of the notorious crooks under arrest.

The accomplice on the left might be able to help with enquiries
“When the initial fax came through from the International Criminal Court, wouldn’t you just know it - that was the moment our fax machine chose to run out of toner,” apologised Tripoli’s police chief Col. Fattah Yaseen. “Unfortunately, the officer with the key to the stationery cupboard was on his lunch break, so we had to wait until he got back before we could refill it. The older perpetrator certainly looks somewhat familiar, but the name is no help at all - the Tripoli phone book has pages and pages of Muammar Gadaffis.”

When the ICC clarified which Muammar Gadaffi was on the wanted list, Col. Yaseen turned pale and excused himself, claiming an old digestive tract disorder was suddenly playing up again.

Later, speaking from a locked rest-room cubicle, the police colonel suggested that arresting the Libyan leader and his son was probably a matter for the secret police, but regretted that he did not know who they were or where to find them.

“It’s a secret,” he wailed. “Try 118 118.”

An ICC spokesman warned that, unless the Libyan police act upon the international arrest warrant, they will face sanctions - such as being banned from international police sports beanos and no more crowd-control and intelligence training jollies at Hendon.

History Officially Ends With Last Space Shuttle Launch

Tell your grandchildren to watch out for this bugger
8,000 years of human civilisation officially ended today at 0856 Eastern Daylight Time, with the final launch of Endeavour - the last remaining space shuttle in operation – from Cape Kennedy Space Center.

“Well, guys, I guess that’s end of the line for the human race,” announced NASA mission director Randy Von Braun as Endeavour separated from its rocket booster. “It’s all downhill from here.”

With the end of the space shuttle program the only way for astronauts to reach the International Space Station will be old-fashioned rockets, although the European Sapce Agency is working on a manned version of its space truck – thought to be an old Ford Transit, although Britain is keen to promote its own Commer Van – as soon as it can figure out how to get the brakes to work at 25,000mph.

Futurologists awaiting their P45s say that global warming is already becoming less of a worry for people, although they fear a mini Ice Age will occur in about 700 years. Before that, however, they warn that the Earth will be plunged into two horrific world wars in the next century - the first beginning with two nuclear strikes on Japan, and the second ending only when the heir to the four-year-old Austro-Hungarian Empire is assassinated.

There is some good news to come from the reversal of history, though. Mobile phones will become less and less irritating until they finally fall out of use altogether in around 25 years’ time, when nobody will be able to imagine how such a gadget could be ever made small enough to fit inside a briefcase.

Sunday, 15 May 2011

IMF Boss Asks For 3bn Previous Attempts To Screw The Poor To Be Taken Into Consideration

How capitalism works
Following a dramatic last-minute arrest as he tried to flee the United States ahead of a charge of attempting to rape a hotel maid, IMF head Dominique Strauss-Kahn has admitted to the authorities that he has been doing his utmost to screw billions of poor people in the four years since he was appointed.

“That has always been my understanding of what the International Monetary Fund is for,” he told New York detectives who are investigating claims that he ran naked through the corridors of Manhattan’s Sofitel hotel and sexually assaulted the maid. “With the state of the global economy these days, I have a heavy workload. After a long day spent screwing the poor all over the world, is it so wrong to bring a little work home?”

“I’m sure I can clear up this simple misunderstanding with a quick telephone call,” he suggested, as he was led away from JFK airport. “The poor are there to be taken advantage of by the rich. That’s just the way it is. I demand my statutory phone call to the president. He is a politician - he understands that the poor are accustomed to being fucked. In fact, very often they actually vote for the people they would prefer to be fucked by.”

“So many poor people,” he sighed as he was pushed into a squad car, “So little time.”