God Orders Churches To Welcome Congregations With Minutes Of PCC Meetings And Matters Arising

God has sensationally waded into the ongoing public debate about compulsory prayers in local government, by instructing His ordained representatives to begin all acts of worship with a reading of the minutes of the last Parochial Church Council meeting.

God may also demand apologies for absence

Congregations must, according to God’s plan, then be asked if there are any matters arising from the PCC’s minutes which they wish to discuss before the first hymn.

Many churchgoers, however, have complained that, in these modern times, the arcane thoughts of a tiny group of elders have little or no relevance to their busy lives.

“I’m an anarchist. Why should I be forced to pay lip service to a hierarchical bureaucracy in which I don’t place the slightest credence?” demanded an aggrieved Rev. Harry Davidson, the rector of Stiffkey. “Who does God think He is anyway - Eric Pickles?”

Guilt-Ridden Costner Vows To Avenge Whitney Houston By Sailing World’s Oceans Until He Tracks Down Evil Sheriff Of Nottingham

Not actually a suspect at this time, say LA police

Wracked by guilt over failing to prevent Whitney Houston’s tragic death because he is only a fading Hollywood celebrity and not actually a real bodyguard at all, a tearful Kevin Costner today told the singer’s grieving family and fans that he has acquired a trimaran, and will not rest until he tracks down the wicked Sheriff of Nottingham and slays him, bringing peace at last to the ocean realm.

“During the long years of my quest I shall be accompanied by a faithful pet wolf,” sobbed Costner, who cannot breathe underwater and is a terrible shot with a bow and arrow. “I hope my wolf will help me to eventually come to terms with my overwhelming feelings of remorse and give me some sort of closure, through the healing power of interpretative dance.”