One long-running - and long-unread - satire blog, The Nev Filter, died today as 'hilarious' pictures of cats burst their databanks and flooded the entire internet.
The dead art of satire was found later to be stubbornly incapable of condensing real-world issues into short sentence composed of not more than six words and superimposing them over a random photograph of a cat - possibly wearing sunglasses - which rescue services say would undoubtedly have saved it.
"The Nev Filter will be sorely missed," sobbed grieving parent Nev, "Mainly by me, as I will now be forced to spend two hours a day doing something worthwhile."
"I would like to thank the public for both their support," he added, "Except, of course, for the well-intentioned but tragically inappropriate pictures of cats they sent me."
Tuesday 3 July 2012
Friday 29 June 2012
Mattress Fraud Worse Than Thought; Biscuit Tin And Old Shoe Also Under Investigation
Not only has your mattress been refusing to allow you access to your own savings, but it emerged today that for many years it has been secretly applying a considerably higher rate of interest than the attractive 0% it claimed it was charging whenever you made a withdrawal to buy a new pair of shoes.
And then it lent all your money to that old biscuit tin in the kitchen cupboard, and the odd shoe you keep at the back of your wardrobe.
And then they threw all your cash down the toilet, because they thought that would be a great idea.
“I thought I had £3,000 squirreled away under the bed to cover the cost of my own funeral,” sobbed saver Mavis Hodge, 83, a lifelong customer betrayed by the greed and incompetence of her mattress. “Now it turns out I owe the bloody thing £361.24 in cumulative interest, and it’s got the cheek to demand an unauthorised overdraft fee.”
The full horror was revealed by the blow-up spare bed you keep in the cupboard under the stairs, which nevertheless insisted that not all mattresses were unscrupulous thieves and brigands whose sole aim in life was to stuff themselves with all of the money in the world.
“Some of us have principles, you know,” he insisted loftily. “If you were naïve enough to try cutting me open to shove a wad of fivers inside, for example, I’d have warned you that you could be in for a big let-down.”
After your mattress was fined £290m – which will be tacked onto your overdraft – the prime minister emerged sleepily from his teapot to yawn for the resignation of your headboard.
And then it lent all your money to that old biscuit tin in the kitchen cupboard, and the odd shoe you keep at the back of your wardrobe.
And then they threw all your cash down the toilet, because they thought that would be a great idea.
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| Feed me |
The full horror was revealed by the blow-up spare bed you keep in the cupboard under the stairs, which nevertheless insisted that not all mattresses were unscrupulous thieves and brigands whose sole aim in life was to stuff themselves with all of the money in the world.
“Some of us have principles, you know,” he insisted loftily. “If you were naïve enough to try cutting me open to shove a wad of fivers inside, for example, I’d have warned you that you could be in for a big let-down.”
After your mattress was fined £290m – which will be tacked onto your overdraft – the prime minister emerged sleepily from his teapot to yawn for the resignation of your headboard.
Wednesday 27 June 2012
Paxman Still Hurling Minister’s Guts From Television Centre Roof
Thrill-seeking Newsnight audiences ran screaming from their televisions last night, as an enraged Jeremy Paxman suddenly broke free from his token restraints and tore a whimpering Shitey Chloe Young limb from limb.
The roaring beast – promoted by his handlers as ‘the last of his kind’ – was deceptively docile at first, but the moment the pretty young minister flounced onto the set his mood became increasingly wild and agitated.
The menacing grey gorilla toyed with her at first, prodding her playfully and rolling his eyes every time she tried desperately to soothe his massive, furrowed brow by repeating a quavering song about “households and businesses”. Suddenly breaking free from his restraint, however, he horrified his gawping audience by snapping his unequal challenger’s head off and ripping her to pieces, before rampaging through the emptied Television Centre to clamber onto the roof - from where he continues to shower the BBC car park with gory chunks of the hapless treasury junior.
“I smelt the fear the moment I switched on the telly,” cringed a traumatised eyewitness, cowering behind a back bench. “Why on earth wasn’t the Great Shite Chunterer on hand to shoot down this terrifying monster?”
A sheepish David Cameron today insisted that Mr Osborne had, in fact, fully intended to face down the legendary monster - but explained that the chancellor had unfortunately taken several wrong turns on the way to the studio before finally running out of fuel in a blind alley leading nowhere.
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| Nothing can survive a blow from the terrible claw of Paxman |
The menacing grey gorilla toyed with her at first, prodding her playfully and rolling his eyes every time she tried desperately to soothe his massive, furrowed brow by repeating a quavering song about “households and businesses”. Suddenly breaking free from his restraint, however, he horrified his gawping audience by snapping his unequal challenger’s head off and ripping her to pieces, before rampaging through the emptied Television Centre to clamber onto the roof - from where he continues to shower the BBC car park with gory chunks of the hapless treasury junior.
“I smelt the fear the moment I switched on the telly,” cringed a traumatised eyewitness, cowering behind a back bench. “Why on earth wasn’t the Great Shite Chunterer on hand to shoot down this terrifying monster?”
A sheepish David Cameron today insisted that Mr Osborne had, in fact, fully intended to face down the legendary monster - but explained that the chancellor had unfortunately taken several wrong turns on the way to the studio before finally running out of fuel in a blind alley leading nowhere.
Tuesday 26 June 2012
Labour Hails Slight Postponement Of Fuel Duty Hike As Glorious Victory For Communism
The government’s brief suspension of the coming 3% rise in fuel duty proves beyond all doubt that the notorious capitalist running dog, George Osborne, has finally accepted the undeniable truth of revolutionary socialism, jubilant shadow chancellor Ed Balls told a cowed and beaten House of Commons today.
“Make no mistake, comrades, this is truly an historic moment in the annals of the revolution,” Mr Balls declaimed exultantly. “When, at long last, even the evil bloated plutocrat Osborne cravenly acknowledges the supreme validity of socialist economics by inserting a six-month pause into the hated fuel escalator inflicted on the downtrodden masses by the vainglorious running dog John Major, the triumph of the working class is complete.”
When asked by reporters afterwards why, during his many years as an economic advisor to Comrade Brown, he had somehow neglected to point out the inherent counter-revolutionary nature of planned rises in fuel duty, Brother Balls solemnly cautioned the press against any further mention of “that non-person”.
Comrade Balls is also understood to be so utterly committed to finalising the long-overdue downfall of the discredited feudal hierarchy that his strange lack of opposition to the tottering elite’s impending downtreading of the young masses, fire-sale of the machinery of state and closure of the people’s hospitals can surely be forgiven, explained his burly commissars.
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| The fleet's lit up! Well, it can afford to now, can't it |
When asked by reporters afterwards why, during his many years as an economic advisor to Comrade Brown, he had somehow neglected to point out the inherent counter-revolutionary nature of planned rises in fuel duty, Brother Balls solemnly cautioned the press against any further mention of “that non-person”.
Comrade Balls is also understood to be so utterly committed to finalising the long-overdue downfall of the discredited feudal hierarchy that his strange lack of opposition to the tottering elite’s impending downtreading of the young masses, fire-sale of the machinery of state and closure of the people’s hospitals can surely be forgiven, explained his burly commissars.
Tower Nobody Knows The Name Of To Be Given Name Everybody Will Forget
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| Google 'Big Ben' and this comes up. QED |
Despite the tall thing being given the same name as the Queen, the collective British consciousness said it is supremely confident that it will remain as impervious to new information as it has been over the magnificence of its empire, the benefits of its special relationship with the United States and the obvious superiority of its footballers.
Monday 25 June 2012
Softhead Downgrade Blamed For Cameron’s NotBest Wank Chaos
Red-faced programmers have apologised for the glitch which caused David Cameron to inflict his NotBest Wank misery on the hard-up public this weekend, blaming the problem on a routine downgrade to his soft head.
Millions found themselves contemplating abject penury when, without any warning, the prime minister suddenly began spewing random gibberish into a pair of senior Daily Mail reporters.
“It’s all very well Mr Cameron’s minions working overtime, but most of us don’t happen to have huge wads of cash squirreled away somewhere like Jersey for a rainy day,” complained a typical impoverished customer, “But it seems a bit unfair to expect people to live on their parents’ credit cards until the welfare state comes back online at some unspecified point in the distant future.”
“Especially when so many of us are slaving away on less than the minimum wage,” he snapped. “We’re totally reliant on Mr Cameron sparing us a token bit of interest. I’m switching, but it probably won’t make any difference. Milibank or Barclegg – these wanks are all as bad as each other, aren’t they?”
“It looks like Cameron’s no benefit to anyone,” he concluded in disgust.
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| Daily Mail hacks caught it full in the face |
“It’s all very well Mr Cameron’s minions working overtime, but most of us don’t happen to have huge wads of cash squirreled away somewhere like Jersey for a rainy day,” complained a typical impoverished customer, “But it seems a bit unfair to expect people to live on their parents’ credit cards until the welfare state comes back online at some unspecified point in the distant future.”
“Especially when so many of us are slaving away on less than the minimum wage,” he snapped. “We’re totally reliant on Mr Cameron sparing us a token bit of interest. I’m switching, but it probably won’t make any difference. Milibank or Barclegg – these wanks are all as bad as each other, aren’t they?”
“It looks like Cameron’s no benefit to anyone,” he concluded in disgust.
Sunday 24 June 2012
Cameron Defeats Tax Fiddles 1-0 With Well-Aimed Kicking Of The Unemployed
Pubs all over England erupted in frenzied cheers today as David Cameron, the legendary right-winger in the number 10 shirt, led his dream team of millionaires to victory with a beautifully-timed kick to the unemployed.
“The lads have been feeling sick as a parrot lately, what with all these intrusive stories in the papers lately about their tax lives,” admitted an ecstatic Mr Cameron, after being carried around the stadium by delighted fellow players including Sir Chris Hoy, Gary Barlow and Jimmy Carr. “But when I suddenly saw the ball coming my way, I knew I had no option but to boot it clean through the back of the welfare safety net. I reckon my old dad would be proud of me.”
“It’s a funny old game. One minute you’re down, the next you’re up,” grinned spud-faced bad boy Jimmy Carr – back on side after, only days earlier, earning himself a stern talking-to from his captain for bringing their game into disrepute and feigning injury. “But it doesn’t matter, because this shows our critics that we just can’t lose.”
“We’re gutted,” moaned the jobless. “It doesn’t matter what we do, we just keep losing and losing and losing. These guys are in a different league altogether.”
All over the country, meanwhile, manual workers on council estates and middle-class housewives alike are deliriously chanting the same happy song to their unemployed neighbours: “You’re going down!”
“The lads have been feeling sick as a parrot lately, what with all these intrusive stories in the papers lately about their tax lives,” admitted an ecstatic Mr Cameron, after being carried around the stadium by delighted fellow players including Sir Chris Hoy, Gary Barlow and Jimmy Carr. “But when I suddenly saw the ball coming my way, I knew I had no option but to boot it clean through the back of the welfare safety net. I reckon my old dad would be proud of me.”
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| Balls to the unemployed |
“We’re gutted,” moaned the jobless. “It doesn’t matter what we do, we just keep losing and losing and losing. These guys are in a different league altogether.”
All over the country, meanwhile, manual workers on council estates and middle-class housewives alike are deliriously chanting the same happy song to their unemployed neighbours: “You’re going down!”
Saturday 23 June 2012
Perhaps Turkey Should Have Read NATO Treaty Before Signing, Suggests Assad: Rest Of NATO Nods Furiously
After blasting a one of their RF-4 Phantom jets from the skies, Syria has pre-empted any Turkish appeals for NATO intervention on the basis of mutual defence by suggesting that their neighbour takes a closer look at the Treaty of Washington.
“We looked it up on Wikipedia back in April, when Mr Erdoğan raised the matter after we’d told some of our people off for leaving Syria without permission by bombing the shit out of them,” commented President Assad. “He is, up to a point, correct in stating that an attack on one NATO member is an attack on all. However, if he reads Article 5 properly he might notice that this bit only applies in Europe and North America. Now, is Turkey actually in the EU? Not the last time I looked.”
“Tough luck, sucker,” he added.
Other members of NATO were remarkably quick to verify Mr Assad’s explanation of the treaty - reminding Turkey that modern combat aircraft are really, really expensive, and unfortunately Syria is bristling with brand new and extremely effective anti-aircraft systems which the Russians kindly donated.
“Yes, we know,” replied Turkish PM Recep Tayyip Erdoğan, as he reached for his reading glasses.
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| The Russians swore they were tractor parts |
“Tough luck, sucker,” he added.
Other members of NATO were remarkably quick to verify Mr Assad’s explanation of the treaty - reminding Turkey that modern combat aircraft are really, really expensive, and unfortunately Syria is bristling with brand new and extremely effective anti-aircraft systems which the Russians kindly donated.
“Yes, we know,” replied Turkish PM Recep Tayyip Erdoğan, as he reached for his reading glasses.
Friday 22 June 2012
NatWest Death Toll Rises
Warning: contains scenes of heartbreaking inconvenience
Experts warn there is no cure in sight for the ongoing tragedy of NatWest customers dying needlessly in droves from the minor nuisance of having to use their credit card instead of their debit card.
The disaster began to unfold this morning, when a software glitch caused fatal bother and terminal vexation to 12 million innocent NatWest victims by freezing their current accounts.
By 10am, customer aid workers at NatWest branches were already overwhelmed by queues of pathetic refugees pouring out of clothes shops - many of them pitifully reduced to begging for compensation for the unbearable pain of being told “Your payment was not authorised. Please contact your card supplier” by a numeric keypad.
“My salary didn’t go through, which means that NatWest have effectively reduced me to slavery,” whined one haggard casualty, who had to drag her injured pride all the way up the high street from H&M. “My Visa card had already been thrashed black and blue. Without the essential new dress I need to go out in tonight, I know I will just die.”
“God in heaven help me, I don’t have any money to get pissed with either,” she moaned, before fainting through lack of ready funds.
“I was so moved by radio reports of the NatWest victims’ terrible plight, I ran ten miles to the nearest town in order to transfer a week’s wages (16,000 shillings, or £6.21) to Britain. I hope this will help to relieve their unimaginable suffering,” said Hassan, a subsistence farmer in Somaliland. Tragically, however, his potentially face-saving donation has also not gone through yet.
Experts warn there is no cure in sight for the ongoing tragedy of NatWest customers dying needlessly in droves from the minor nuisance of having to use their credit card instead of their debit card.
| Cash machines weren't built to handle this much customer dissatisfaction |
By 10am, customer aid workers at NatWest branches were already overwhelmed by queues of pathetic refugees pouring out of clothes shops - many of them pitifully reduced to begging for compensation for the unbearable pain of being told “Your payment was not authorised. Please contact your card supplier” by a numeric keypad.
“My salary didn’t go through, which means that NatWest have effectively reduced me to slavery,” whined one haggard casualty, who had to drag her injured pride all the way up the high street from H&M. “My Visa card had already been thrashed black and blue. Without the essential new dress I need to go out in tonight, I know I will just die.”
“God in heaven help me, I don’t have any money to get pissed with either,” she moaned, before fainting through lack of ready funds.
“I was so moved by radio reports of the NatWest victims’ terrible plight, I ran ten miles to the nearest town in order to transfer a week’s wages (16,000 shillings, or £6.21) to Britain. I hope this will help to relieve their unimaginable suffering,” said Hassan, a subsistence farmer in Somaliland. Tragically, however, his potentially face-saving donation has also not gone through yet.
Rest Of World Eagerly Anticipating Mass Suicide By Outraged iPhone Fanatics
Significant reductions in global smugness will result if, as expected, legions of insufferable iPhone addicts top themselves in despair at Apple’s decision to change the design of the connector which plugs the damned thing into the hideously overpriced but tinny speakers they bought instead of plugging a deeply unfashionable cable into the headphone output.
For the same reason, the global surplus of intolerable pricks refuses to countenance spending $1.99 on the inelegantly simple adaptors which will appear on eBay within approximately three seconds of the iPhone 5’s launch.
“My Bentley has the old 30-pin connector,” wailed furious technology guru Josh Geake. “Now I’m supposed to just throw it away and buy one with 19 pins instead, am I? This would never have happened when Steve Jobs was alive.”
Apple proudly unveiled the revolutionary new socket today, explaining that it was necessary to make their next-generation gadget thinner - and therefore even more breakable - than any other overpriced shiny toy on the market.
“Our magnificent new connection will be magnetic, because in the 21st century nobody should have to risk tearing a ligament because slitty-eyed Koreans make them pull a little plug out of a little socket," said Apple CEO TIm Cock.“And we’ve launched pre-emptive lawsuits against Samsung, LG and every other IT company on earth, to prevent them from stealing our patented ‘magnet’ invention,."
For the same reason, the global surplus of intolerable pricks refuses to countenance spending $1.99 on the inelegantly simple adaptors which will appear on eBay within approximately three seconds of the iPhone 5’s launch.
| Designer bollocks like this became worthless overnight |
Apple proudly unveiled the revolutionary new socket today, explaining that it was necessary to make their next-generation gadget thinner - and therefore even more breakable - than any other overpriced shiny toy on the market.
“Our magnificent new connection will be magnetic, because in the 21st century nobody should have to risk tearing a ligament because slitty-eyed Koreans make them pull a little plug out of a little socket," said Apple CEO TIm Cock.“And we’ve launched pre-emptive lawsuits against Samsung, LG and every other IT company on earth, to prevent them from stealing our patented ‘magnet’ invention,."
Thursday 21 June 2012
Gove To Send Red-Covered Wall Map Of British Empire To Every School
Britain’s schools are to be reset to 1951, education secretary Michael Gove announced today in assembly.
Showing off the black gown and leather-elbowed tweed jacket uniform which all teachers will be required to wear, Mr Gove outlined the reintroduction of O-levels, sums, daily beatings, copying out entire chapters from textbooks and a big wallmap in every classroom showing the glorious extent of the British Empire in red.
In addition, no pupil will be allowed to leave school until they have displayed full mastery of copperplate script – written with a dip pen held, as God intended, in their right hand.
Builders have already appeared in every school playground this morning, cementing newly-redundant computers together to form walls in the middle of playgrounds which will keep boys and girls segregated. The computers are being replaced by manual typewriters, which are to be reserved for the sole use of the brightest girls in the sixth form, and pupils will be expected to spend their brief lunch breaks smoking furtively in the toilets.
Mr Gove also revealed plans to reintroduce bullying, which he described as a “character-building” preparation for the rest of their lives.
Showing off the black gown and leather-elbowed tweed jacket uniform which all teachers will be required to wear, Mr Gove outlined the reintroduction of O-levels, sums, daily beatings, copying out entire chapters from textbooks and a big wallmap in every classroom showing the glorious extent of the British Empire in red.
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| Wrong. Guess again |
Builders have already appeared in every school playground this morning, cementing newly-redundant computers together to form walls in the middle of playgrounds which will keep boys and girls segregated. The computers are being replaced by manual typewriters, which are to be reserved for the sole use of the brightest girls in the sixth form, and pupils will be expected to spend their brief lunch breaks smoking furtively in the toilets.
Mr Gove also revealed plans to reintroduce bullying, which he described as a “character-building” preparation for the rest of their lives.
Cats Must Be Free To Make Britain Wildlife-Free By 2025, Say Self-Proclaimed Animal Lovers
Britain’s legions of insane cat addicts today demanded the immediate execution of Springwatch presenter Chris Peckham, who dared to suggest that their beloved pet overlords may in some way be connected to the ongoing extinction of the nation’s fauna.
“How bloody dare he?” screeched willing ginger tom slave Emily Lovejoy, 40. “My beautiful Mr Kissy wub me with every fibre of his widdle kitty heart, yes don’t you cherub? If the sadistic glee of slaughtering a nestful of young blackbirds every night puts him in the right frame of mind for climbing all over my breakfast, waving his anus in my face or sitting on my fanny and rumbling – any of which fills me with delight – then, as an animal lover, I don’t have a problem with that. And any bastard who does must be cut into chunks, dried and put into a box of tasty treats.”
Mr Kissy, meanwhile, acknowledged his worshipper’s adulation by fixing her with his cold, soulless eyes and wishing he was big enough to snap her neck and chew her face off, which she unhesitatingly proclaimed as proof of his unconditional love.
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| One day I shall be big enough to kill you LOL |
Mr Kissy, meanwhile, acknowledged his worshipper’s adulation by fixing her with his cold, soulless eyes and wishing he was big enough to snap her neck and chew her face off, which she unhesitatingly proclaimed as proof of his unconditional love.
Wednesday 20 June 2012
Does The Daily Mail Really Sum Up Everything That’s Wrong With Modern Society?
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| Exhibit A |
The Daily Mail is the poster girl for 'almost everything that is wrong with Western society', according to a leading celebrity.
The paper is part of a culture that glorifies women's physical appearances over their character, claims Dr Kim Kardashian, in a story the Mail will run under a picture of her in her underwear.
“It is not too strong a statement, I venture to suggest, to say that almost everything that is wrong with Western society today can be summed up in about 200 symbolic photos every day of celebrity tits, legs and arses plastered all over the Mail Online website,” Dr Kardashian will say. “The descent of Western civilisation can practically be read into every curve, of which, you will note, there are indeed many. Is this what we want our young people to aim for? Is this what success should mean to them?”
“What is the Mail telling our young people about life? As a society, we have clearly attached a value to it,” she will say. “There may be some lies about the unemployed, cancer or house prices buried in there somewhere – I expect Paul Dacre has to shout ‘Cunt!’ at Peter Hitchens, Jan Moir, Richard Littlejohn, Stephen Glover and Melanie Phillips every day to keep his arses in shape – but these are very hidden lies, buried under the other lies surrounded by glitz and sparkle.”
Wednesday 13 June 2012
Useless Bank Crisis Could Have Been Averted By Throwing Money At Britain’s Other Useless Bank, Says Financial Wizard
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| Mr Pants is lining up a new position for himself |
In his farewell message to the cruel world, Mr Pants complains that Mervyn King - “that petty-minded little jumped-up cashier at the Bank of England” - just coughed nervously at his flash of brilliance, while “so-called chancellor of the exchequer” Alistair Darling merely glanced at his watch and claimed to be late for an important haggis-eating contest with his boss.
The City of London’s emergency services will be standing by later this month with shovels and buckets, after the high-flying genius rejected their advice against leaping out of the FSA wearing a 2-tonne solid gold parachute of his own design.
Everyone In Britain Too Busy Raping Children To Heed Deputy Children’s Commissioner’s Warning
Every girl in Britain has been repeatedly gang-raped by the age of 11, deputy children’s commissioner Sue Chickenowitz-Littlowitz shrieked at a shocked Commons Affairs Committee today.
“As one police officer who was the lead in a very big investigation in a very lovely, leafy, rural part of the country said to me: ‘There isn't a town, village or hamlet in which children are not being sexually exploited.’ Well, what he actually said when I put it to him was “Er, I wouldn’t know about that exactly, missus’ - but that’s not a denial, is it???” the wide-eyed chicken screeched in horror. "We should start from the assumption that all the children in Britain are being sexually exploited right the way across the country!!! By everybody!!! All the time!!! Even as we speak!!!”
The frantic Ms Chickenowitz-Littlowitz painted a grim picture of innocence lost, in which the wicked internet monster slyly lures sweet little girls into the nearest park with false promises of sugar, spice and all things nice, whereupon hundreds of local boys – all of them transformed into sex-crazed maniacs by a dangerous cocktail of slugs, snails and puppy-dogs’ tails – cruelly force them to perform something horrid on their tiny winkies for two hours each.
"I wish I could say to you that such things are uncommon,” she screeched, “But I'm afraid they are quite common!!! And parental blocks on the internet won’t help, because it’s the parents who are encouraging it, I tell you!!! Arrest them all immediately!!!"
When the astonished committee cautiously thanked the wild-eyed Ms Chickenowitz-Littlowitz for her valuable time and told her they would take her “most interesting” statement under advisement, she launched herself across the desk, clawing at their trousers and demanding to know where they had hidden their underage sex slaves.
“As one police officer who was the lead in a very big investigation in a very lovely, leafy, rural part of the country said to me: ‘There isn't a town, village or hamlet in which children are not being sexually exploited.’ Well, what he actually said when I put it to him was “Er, I wouldn’t know about that exactly, missus’ - but that’s not a denial, is it???” the wide-eyed chicken screeched in horror. "We should start from the assumption that all the children in Britain are being sexually exploited right the way across the country!!! By everybody!!! All the time!!! Even as we speak!!!”
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| Ban this evil thing now |
"I wish I could say to you that such things are uncommon,” she screeched, “But I'm afraid they are quite common!!! And parental blocks on the internet won’t help, because it’s the parents who are encouraging it, I tell you!!! Arrest them all immediately!!!"
When the astonished committee cautiously thanked the wild-eyed Ms Chickenowitz-Littlowitz for her valuable time and told her they would take her “most interesting” statement under advisement, she launched herself across the desk, clawing at their trousers and demanding to know where they had hidden their underage sex slaves.
Tuesday 12 June 2012
That Idyllic Rural Olympic Opening Ceremony In Full
1. Lord Coe is discovered lying face-down among the hydrangeas, with a knife in his back.
2. Police seal off picturesque Olympic Stadium from 21st century.
3. Inspector of ceremonies descends in huge Volvo-sponsored balloon.
4. Identity parade featuring 1st Queen’s English regiment of middle-class suspects.
5. Buckinghamshire red herrings distributed among cheering spectators.
6. Display of formation dancing by police around illuminated replica of mulberry bush.
7. Spectators led merrily up enormous garden path.
8. Traditional pruning of tangled relationships.
9. Ceremonial unveiling of the guilty party.
10. Pub.
2. Police seal off picturesque Olympic Stadium from 21st century.
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| Celebrating the timeless tranquility of the British countryside |
4. Identity parade featuring 1st Queen’s English regiment of middle-class suspects.
5. Buckinghamshire red herrings distributed among cheering spectators.
6. Display of formation dancing by police around illuminated replica of mulberry bush.
7. Spectators led merrily up enormous garden path.
8. Traditional pruning of tangled relationships.
9. Ceremonial unveiling of the guilty party.
10. Pub.
CofE Bishops Threaten To End 500 Years Of Poking Noses Into Secular Matters Of State
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| A bishop ponders the ineffable holiness of matrimony |
“Cor strike a light! Us what's in the established church can’t bear to fink abaht one geeza fondling anuvva geeza’s bum - which is why we finks abaht it all the bleedin' time!” exploded the state religion, in its submission to the home office consultation on drastic proposals to allow same-sex couples to use the same word for their relationships as owners of non-matching genitals. "Stands to reason, dannit?"
“Blimey, if this perversion uv Gawd Almighty’s special bladdy word goes froo I reckon, right, we'd just afta walk aht the 'ouse of Lords – which is where we vote on matters of vital bladdy importance to the 'ole bleedin lot uv yer, guided solely by the unparalleled words uv wisdom wot sam bunch uv wogs in the Middle East cooked up fahsands uv years ago - an' stroll straight into the lavin' arms uv the BNP,” explained the Bishop of Leicester. “Just bleedin' fink for a second, if yer will, wot old Darky Sentamu must be finkin' abaht that.”
“If marriage was good enough for Jesus an' them twelve buggers wot 'ung rahnd wiv 'im, it bladdy orta be good enough for you, yer bleedin' poofters,” he added vehemently. “Er...”
Monday 11 June 2012
Now Google Can See You Wanking To Hitler In The Privacy Of Your Own Back Garden, Daily Mail Warns Readers
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| And, of course, it may give you cancer |
“These sick images are so detailed that everyone on the internet will be able to tell at a glance whether the subject is circumcised or not,” shrieked editor Paul Dacre, who has suddenly lost all enthusiasm for the argument that those who have nothing to hide have nothing to fear. “Their photos of you, I mean, not your photos of Hitler.”
British Public Still Failing To Grasp Key Feature Of Hereditary Monarchy
Britain’s commoners have yet to comprehend that a head of state who is appointed by popular choice is technically a president, it was revealed today.
A new poll of the Queen’s humble servants indicates that, having seen him being nice to his mummy on the box last week, they would quite like Prince Charles to have a go at ruling them one day after all.
“I swear to die a free subject rather than bend my knee to an elected head of state, because the stupid British public would vote for either David Cameron or Tony Blair - both of whom have shown themselves to be hopelessly out of touch with the great British public,” said a typical peasant, still draped patriotically in a damp, sweaty Union flag.
“Let’s stick with the hereditary system,” he urged joyless republicans, “Because that way we all get to cast our votes for that legendary man of the people, the Prince of Wales, who’ll get the job anyway on account of democratically dropping out of his mum’s fanny first. What could be fairer than that?”
“Unless he starts talking bollocks again,” he mused. “In which case, I’ll simply switch my vote to that legendary man of the people, the Duke of Cambridge, who’ll get the job eventually on account of democratically dropping out of his dad’s late wife’s fanny first. See? I win again.”
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| Where were you, Wills, you traitor? |
“I swear to die a free subject rather than bend my knee to an elected head of state, because the stupid British public would vote for either David Cameron or Tony Blair - both of whom have shown themselves to be hopelessly out of touch with the great British public,” said a typical peasant, still draped patriotically in a damp, sweaty Union flag.
“Let’s stick with the hereditary system,” he urged joyless republicans, “Because that way we all get to cast our votes for that legendary man of the people, the Prince of Wales, who’ll get the job anyway on account of democratically dropping out of his mum’s fanny first. What could be fairer than that?”
“Unless he starts talking bollocks again,” he mused. “In which case, I’ll simply switch my vote to that legendary man of the people, the Duke of Cambridge, who’ll get the job eventually on account of democratically dropping out of his dad’s late wife’s fanny first. See? I win again.”
Sunday 10 June 2012
Primary School Grammar And Spelling Lessons To Be Enforced Retroactively
Unemployment will soon be abolished at a stroke, say Britain’s cock-a-hoop grammar Nazis, as education secretary Michael Gove announced plans not only to make primary-school pupils competent in both spelling and grammar, but also to apply the requirement retroactively to everyone under the age of 65.
“Faced with the Sisyphean task of mastering the apostrophe, the entire social networking generation, hordes of vehemently (look it up) self-diagnosed dyslexics and a legion of poetry slammers could be looking at a lifetime of hard labour,” smirked the authoritarian leader of the feared linguistic police - known to his admiring minions as the Grammar Hitler.
“Think not merely in terms of our emptied Jobcentres; think, too, of the millions of freshly-vacated jobs available to those of us acquainted with the homonym and the semi-colon once the nation’s semi-literate dullards have been forced out of work and into very small chairs,” he shrieked. “Indeed, Mr Gove might want to make an early start on the teaching profession, I might add, with a punitive remedial category for the ones who bleat about ‘stifling creativity’.”
Under the education secretary’s master plan, after two futile years of struggling to comprehend their native language, the hapless returners will face the nightmare of having to learn a foreign language - possibly the dreaded polysyllabic horror known as German.
“My scheme will, of course, undergo a rigorous public consultation before the planned implementation date of 2014,” beamed Mr Gove, resplendent in the black uniform of a Sturmbanngrammatiker. “That shouldn’t be a problem, though; only submissions which are 100% correct will be considered.”
“Faced with the Sisyphean task of mastering the apostrophe, the entire social networking generation, hordes of vehemently (look it up) self-diagnosed dyslexics and a legion of poetry slammers could be looking at a lifetime of hard labour,” smirked the authoritarian leader of the feared linguistic police - known to his admiring minions as the Grammar Hitler.
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| I'll give you "Sir is a looser", Mrs Thompson |
Under the education secretary’s master plan, after two futile years of struggling to comprehend their native language, the hapless returners will face the nightmare of having to learn a foreign language - possibly the dreaded polysyllabic horror known as German.
“My scheme will, of course, undergo a rigorous public consultation before the planned implementation date of 2014,” beamed Mr Gove, resplendent in the black uniform of a Sturmbanngrammatiker. “That shouldn’t be a problem, though; only submissions which are 100% correct will be considered.”
Saturday 9 June 2012
Graduates Worth More To Economy, Insist Graduates
Each and every graduate - even the thick ones with degrees in Sport History or Art Management - adds squillions to the wealth of the UK, according to a report published today by people with degrees in Data Entry.
“The raw statistics speak for themselves,” said Jim Spreadsheet of the Institute For Public Policy Research. “Graduates earn £180,000 extra over their lifetimes, for a cost to the state of just £18,800 per degree. It stands to reason, therefore, that the more people with degrees, the better for the entire country. Look, here’s a simple sum which proves it.”
When asked for the graph showing the actual distribution of graduate earnings, however, Mr Spreadsheet angrily accused the Nev Filter of sneering at the miraculous achievements of billions of hardworking young people, all of whom have successfully risen from underprivileged backgrounds to lead the world in their chosen fields, such as surfboard care and management.
“If everyone in Britain had a degree,” he insisted, to cheers from the lecturers’ union which commissioned the PR, “This would be the richest country in the world. Stands to reason.”
“The raw statistics speak for themselves,” said Jim Spreadsheet of the Institute For Public Policy Research. “Graduates earn £180,000 extra over their lifetimes, for a cost to the state of just £18,800 per degree. It stands to reason, therefore, that the more people with degrees, the better for the entire country. Look, here’s a simple sum which proves it.”
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| Excel can do this! Who knew? |
“If everyone in Britain had a degree,” he insisted, to cheers from the lecturers’ union which commissioned the PR, “This would be the richest country in the world. Stands to reason.”
Friday 8 June 2012
Teachers Send Stern Letter To Ofsted’s Parents
School heads have written to Ofsted’s parents warning that, after spotting telltale signs of plagiarism in two of the inspection body’s reports, they will accept only handwritten submissions in future.
“When teachers compared reports handed into Belvedere Junior School in Kent and East London’s Malmesbury Primary School, it was immediately obvious that whole chunks criticising our pupils’ reading, writing and maths skills had simply been cut and pasted,” said Russell Hobby, general secretary of the National Association of Head Teachers.
“No doubt Ofsted thinks slacking off is big and clever," he added, shaking his head sadly, "But such behaviour not only lets the school and its pupils down - it lets Ofsted down. And Ofsted needs to think long and hard about that.”
Ofsted’s dad, Sir Michael Wilshaw, screwed the letter up and went mental. He was soon standing outside the NAHT offices with a baseball bat, yelling: “Oi, wanka! Y’ fink yer so fackin’ big, pickin’ on poor defenceless little inspectas, do ya? Gitcha arse dahn ‘ere, y’ fackin’ paedo bastud!”
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| Wilshaw Senior has attacked teachers before |
“No doubt Ofsted thinks slacking off is big and clever," he added, shaking his head sadly, "But such behaviour not only lets the school and its pupils down - it lets Ofsted down. And Ofsted needs to think long and hard about that.”
Ofsted’s dad, Sir Michael Wilshaw, screwed the letter up and went mental. He was soon standing outside the NAHT offices with a baseball bat, yelling: “Oi, wanka! Y’ fink yer so fackin’ big, pickin’ on poor defenceless little inspectas, do ya? Gitcha arse dahn ‘ere, y’ fackin’ paedo bastud!”
Only A Bent Copper Should Investigate Bent Coppers, Say Bent Coppers
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| Have you seen this wrong 'un? Call SO19 now |
“The role of HM Inspectorate of Constabulary is far too sensitive to be entrusted to some nonce with a sound knowledge of the law,” insisted outraged Police Federation spokesman DCI Kray Norelation. “Especially this particular trot, who’s already got the rank and file’s backs up by telling us to lose weight or get the shove. Is it our fault the toerags can scarper faster than our brave lads? Give us all a gun – problem solved.”
He went on to add that every force was actively trawling through its cold files, in case any of the uncaught villains match the description of a well-spoken, bespectacled , fair-haired man in a posh suit, who would now be balding and in his mid-fifties.
Thursday 7 June 2012
OK, How About Every Ticket Costs £500, Suggest Train Companies
Britain’s railway thieves today responded to demands for clarity on ticket pricing from the Office Of Rail Regulation, the industry watchdog, by offering to scrap their byzantine labyrinth of unfathomable fares and replace them all with a crystal-clear price of £500 per journey.
“It’s hardly our fault if the travelling public is too dim to steal our top-secret map of Britain’s rail network, identify each station along their route, enter them all into a spreadsheet, spend a day interrogating thetrainline.com, enter all the prices of all possible tickets along every alternative route, write a function to calculate every conceivable fare combination and thereby save - for example - over £20 on a day trip to Bristol from Plymouth simply by purchasing three consecutive tickets between Plymouth, Exeter, Taunton and Bristol for the same train,” complained an ATOC spokesman.
“Only a complete and utter passenger would fork out £51.50 for the Off-Peak Return simply because we say that’s the cheapest ticket,” he pointed out smugly. “You’ll notice that we don’t for a second suggest that it’s the cheapest journey, of course, because we don’t actually let you ask.”
He added that even undiscovered tribes in the Amazon rainforest knew instinctively that it costs six times as much to get from London to Birmingham New Street by 0915 and back in the evening if they travel from Euston station instead of nearby Marylebone.
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| "Tickets, please" |
“Only a complete and utter passenger would fork out £51.50 for the Off-Peak Return simply because we say that’s the cheapest ticket,” he pointed out smugly. “You’ll notice that we don’t for a second suggest that it’s the cheapest journey, of course, because we don’t actually let you ask.”
He added that even undiscovered tribes in the Amazon rainforest knew instinctively that it costs six times as much to get from London to Birmingham New Street by 0915 and back in the evening if they travel from Euston station instead of nearby Marylebone.
Wednesday 6 June 2012
Canadian Porn Killer Offered Cabinet Post
David Cameron confirmed today that Luka Rocco Magnotta - the Canadian porn actor, murderer and lunatic noted for posting chunks of his late girlfriend to all and sundry - has been invited to join the Cabinet as a minister without portfolio.
“Luka has an exceptional gift for making savage cuts, will screw anything that moves for money and feels that accepted standards of behaviour don’t apply to him,” explained the prime minister as he opened bail negotiations with the authorities in Berlin, where the maniac was caught.
“He’ll fit right in,” he added.
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| The PM is confident that nobody will get the chop |
“He’ll fit right in,” he added.
Business Leaders Keen To Build On Jubilee Legacy Of Forced Labour
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| Easier on the eye than some lardy PCSO |
“This glorious national celebration has demonstrated to the world that the great British public really doesn’t give a rat’s arse about the unemployed,” crowed the business forum. “While they were proudly draping their tits and arses with their national flag, dolescum rounded up from the arse end of the country were shivering under London Bridge, prior to being frogmarched out to supply the illusion of security free, gratis and for nothing. What a stirring reminder to the world of the glory days when Great Britain used to dominate the lucrative slave trade.”
“Also, we’ve put 10,494 miles of bunting on eBay, starting at 99p - perfect if you’re planning a bit of a do,” it added. “Bit damp, but it’s got nine days to dry out - it’ll be good as new.”
Meanwhile, scowling killjoy Lord Prescott insulted the Queen and threatened the future prosperity of the nation by sulkily demanding some sort of wishy-washy, hand-wringing inquiry into why the slaves were left huddling under the bridge in the chill of the night - but not into why they were forced to work for nothing, because that was introduced by Labour.
Tuesday 5 June 2012
Queen To Give A Shit
The Queen will officially give a shit about her fawning minions at 6pm today, in a speech she wrote with earplugs in during last night’s concert – which will be transmitted on all radio, TV and internet services of the completely impartial BBC.
What The People Hope To Hear
“Her Majesty is selflessness personified, so I imagine she will actually condescend to thank the peasantry for their ridiculous, clunking efforts to please her, when in fact we should be the ones thanking her for the huge difference she makes every day to each and every one of our pathetic lives” – Jeremy Brown-Nowes, royal coffee-table book generator
“I confidently expect the Queen to formally renounce her family’s spurious claim to the throne and demand a lifelong presidency for Tony Blair, in protest against the reintroduction of slavery as a means of stewarding this sickening celebration of inequality” – Alan Rusbridger, Grauniad editor
“What the Queen ought to do is plug in a guitar and do ‘We Will Rock You’, because that would literally be like so fucking awesome” – Josh Geake, shelf stacker and internet spokesman for Britain’s gilded youth
“I’m looking forward to mumsy calling it a day at last and passing the crown to a patient, devoted son with years of service left in him. Sob” – Charles Windsor, unemployed
What The People Will Actually Hear
“My husband and I ... thoughts and prayers ... great and blessed nation ... with great humility ... your overwhelming support ... my loving family ... cold dead hands ... God bless you all.”
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| Who knows what she might say? |
“Her Majesty is selflessness personified, so I imagine she will actually condescend to thank the peasantry for their ridiculous, clunking efforts to please her, when in fact we should be the ones thanking her for the huge difference she makes every day to each and every one of our pathetic lives” – Jeremy Brown-Nowes, royal coffee-table book generator
“I confidently expect the Queen to formally renounce her family’s spurious claim to the throne and demand a lifelong presidency for Tony Blair, in protest against the reintroduction of slavery as a means of stewarding this sickening celebration of inequality” – Alan Rusbridger, Grauniad editor
“What the Queen ought to do is plug in a guitar and do ‘We Will Rock You’, because that would literally be like so fucking awesome” – Josh Geake, shelf stacker and internet spokesman for Britain’s gilded youth
“I’m looking forward to mumsy calling it a day at last and passing the crown to a patient, devoted son with years of service left in him. Sob” – Charles Windsor, unemployed
What The People Will Actually Hear
“My husband and I ... thoughts and prayers ... great and blessed nation ... with great humility ... your overwhelming support ... my loving family ... cold dead hands ... God bless you all.”
Nigeria Suspended From Commonwealth For Blatant Attempt To Hijack News
The disloyal African state of Nigeria has had its membership of the Commonwealth suspended, after shamelessly trying to elbow its way into news coverage of the Jubilee with not one, but two fatal air accidents in a single day.
The first shocking gatecrash – in which an ancient Boeing 727 freighter arriving from Nigeria overshot the runway in the Ghanaian capital, Accra, crushing ten bus passengers who were as black as the ace of spades – disgracefully stole a full thirty seconds of Her Majesty’s rightful airtime.
But worse was to follow.
Not satisfied with their first attempt to ruin the Queen’s day, at least 150 egocentric Nigerians chose to die selfishly when a passenger flight from Abuja to Lagos terminated in a flagrant attention-seeking explosion on top of a printing works .
“This was not the scheduled point of arrival,” observed a disdainful Foreign Office spokesman. “The inescapable conclusion is that these insignificant coloured persons felt an entirely unjustified sense of entitlement to five minutes of fame.”
“Thankfully, the media saw fit to grant them just two,” he added, “But how is that supposed to make the Queen feel?”
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| Just ignore them |
But worse was to follow.
Not satisfied with their first attempt to ruin the Queen’s day, at least 150 egocentric Nigerians chose to die selfishly when a passenger flight from Abuja to Lagos terminated in a flagrant attention-seeking explosion on top of a printing works .
“This was not the scheduled point of arrival,” observed a disdainful Foreign Office spokesman. “The inescapable conclusion is that these insignificant coloured persons felt an entirely unjustified sense of entitlement to five minutes of fame.”
“Thankfully, the media saw fit to grant them just two,” he added, “But how is that supposed to make the Queen feel?”
Medics Nod Knowingly At Duke’s Awkward ‘Bladder’ Problem
Doctors at the London’s leading King Edward Potato Hospital today tapped their noses and acknowledged that the Duke of Edinburgh’s wrinkled genitals will be painted purple and kept under amused observation for the next couple of days, following his emergency admission yesterday for a sudden flaring-up of “the old bladder problem.”
Smiling nurses are greeting the nautical 90-year-old with a cheery ‘Hello sailor’ as they administer iodine and antibiotics to the royal privates, according to a grinning hospital spokesman who suggested that, next time Prince Philip thinks about putting on something for the weekend, at his age he really ought to take sensible precautions.
Meanwhile, rumours that the Queen has changed the locks at Buckingham Palace were, as is customary in such matters, neither confirmed nor denied.
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| Clap, everyone |
Meanwhile, rumours that the Queen has changed the locks at Buckingham Palace were, as is customary in such matters, neither confirmed nor denied.
Monday 4 June 2012
Queen Bursts
Britain is crushed in the grip of constitutional disaster today, following the tragic bursting of the Queen in the middle of her own Jubilee after the entire BBC tried to crawl inside her rectum.
Horrified A&E medics at St Mary’s Hospital fainted at the sight of the grossly-distended monarch swaying towards them, suspended by steel cables beneath an overloaded air ambulance. Unconfirmed reports indicate that, as the mercy flight passed over Hyde Park, tragic royal correspondent Nicholas Witchell fell out of the royal arse and drowned in the Serpentine before the Queen tragically exploded as she was being set down in an ambulance bay.
Shocked eyewitnesses claim the famously impartial BBC’s ill-conceived journey up Her Majesty’s back passage began at lunchtime, when the One O’Clock News was presented from the gardens of Buckingham Palace – although it is feared that advance parties may have been probing the royal anus since Thursday.
“I personally saw at least two dozen cameramen, sound engineers and Louisa Baldini disappearing down the back of the imperial knickers as they interviewed Sir Cliff Richard, closely followed by Emily Maitlis,” sobbed a typical traumatised viewer. “The Queen didn’t flinch, bless her. It must be pretty uncomfortable having the entire BBC crawling up your bum, especially at her age, but she’s a real trouper - she didn’t bat an eyelid.”
Tragically, all that now remains of the BBC is a forlorn Jeremy Paxman. Meanwhile, Sir Elton John has been executed in the Tower of London to prevent him from rewriting Candle In The Wind again, tragically reminding a grief-stricken nation of the Queen’s unpopularity when Diana died.
Horrified A&E medics at St Mary’s Hospital fainted at the sight of the grossly-distended monarch swaying towards them, suspended by steel cables beneath an overloaded air ambulance. Unconfirmed reports indicate that, as the mercy flight passed over Hyde Park, tragic royal correspondent Nicholas Witchell fell out of the royal arse and drowned in the Serpentine before the Queen tragically exploded as she was being set down in an ambulance bay.
Shocked eyewitnesses claim the famously impartial BBC’s ill-conceived journey up Her Majesty’s back passage began at lunchtime, when the One O’Clock News was presented from the gardens of Buckingham Palace – although it is feared that advance parties may have been probing the royal anus since Thursday.
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| Paxman will need years of counselling for that survivor guilt |
Tragically, all that now remains of the BBC is a forlorn Jeremy Paxman. Meanwhile, Sir Elton John has been executed in the Tower of London to prevent him from rewriting Candle In The Wind again, tragically reminding a grief-stricken nation of the Queen’s unpopularity when Diana died.
Sunday 3 June 2012
Crowds Gather To Watch Stately Water-Bound Procession On A20
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| The British do this sort of thing better than anyone else |
“Look at this, Emma!” City worker Rob Blind impressed upon his sleepy four-month old daughter, from a vantage point on the Cauldham Lane bridge overlooking the slow-moving procession. “You’ll never see a sight like this again for as long as you live – ordinary people who can afford a holiday!”
The most impressive barge of the day undoubtedly belonged to Mr Wayne Prunt, who delighted the cheering crowds and his latest girlfriend by gunning his antique BMW 318 and sailing through a layby south of Church Wood at 60mph. As he floated serenely past with a tuneful blast on his airhorn, a dozen finger-waving participants saw red, bared their white teeth and turned the air blue.
“This is a profoundly moving sight,” commented a delighted spokesman for the Dover Harbour Board as, one by one, participating vehicles flowed at an almost imperceptible pace onto a waiting ferry. “But only just.”
Saturday 2 June 2012
Bishop Of London Appalled Yet Strangely Fascinated By The Jeremy Kyle Show
The Rt Rev Richard Chartreuse, the Bishop of London, has launched a devastating critique of Britain’s moral collapse, after religiously watching The Jeremy Kyle Show ever since its first outbreak in 2005.
“As we celebrate the Jubilee of our justly popular monarch, we have an opportunity to ask some wider questions in the spirit of Jubilee, to pause, look back and ask where we are as a nation, and where we are going,” the prominent churchman writes in a Bible Society pamphlet which he has faithfully posted to every MP and the Daily Mail. “Down the blooming khazi, I reckon.”
“Promiscuity, separation and divorce have reached epidemic proportions in our society, where it is now considered quite the done thing to impregnate your sister-in-law whilst stealing money from the baby you swear isn’t yours in order to support your drug addiction, then blame everything on your alcoholic mother,” he explained, adding: “One simply never heard of such things 60 years ago, when the Queen ascended to the throne and I was 4.”
The C of E bishop went on to suggest that the Jubilee could be used to “focus on hope” and “reset” the nation like a big wonky computer.
“Lacking any credible narrative as I am, what Britain desperately needs is a Lizzie & Phil Show,” he opined gravely. “I’m sure Prince Philip would jump at the chance to drown out his wife’s subjects by reminding them whose names are on the wall before abruptly ordering them out of his sight, directing them to a circular antechamber in which Her Majesty would kindly offer them her expert guidance based on 86 years of automatic moral superiority.”
When reminded of the exemplary relationships of Prince Charles, Princess Anne and Prince Andrew, Dr Chartreuse turned and said: “Coming up: Jesus tells a feckless waster who has never done a proper day’s work in his life to stop sitting on his fat arse all day long in front of the telly, and go and do something useful for once.”
He then solemnly held up a placard extolling the irrestistible simplicity of online bingo, and regretted that he was right out of time, quite out of touch and might be from outer space.
“As we celebrate the Jubilee of our justly popular monarch, we have an opportunity to ask some wider questions in the spirit of Jubilee, to pause, look back and ask where we are as a nation, and where we are going,” the prominent churchman writes in a Bible Society pamphlet which he has faithfully posted to every MP and the Daily Mail. “Down the blooming khazi, I reckon.”
“Promiscuity, separation and divorce have reached epidemic proportions in our society, where it is now considered quite the done thing to impregnate your sister-in-law whilst stealing money from the baby you swear isn’t yours in order to support your drug addiction, then blame everything on your alcoholic mother,” he explained, adding: “One simply never heard of such things 60 years ago, when the Queen ascended to the throne and I was 4.”
The C of E bishop went on to suggest that the Jubilee could be used to “focus on hope” and “reset” the nation like a big wonky computer.
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| Maybe it's not such a bad idea after all |
When reminded of the exemplary relationships of Prince Charles, Princess Anne and Prince Andrew, Dr Chartreuse turned and said: “Coming up: Jesus tells a feckless waster who has never done a proper day’s work in his life to stop sitting on his fat arse all day long in front of the telly, and go and do something useful for once.”
He then solemnly held up a placard extolling the irrestistible simplicity of online bingo, and regretted that he was right out of time, quite out of touch and might be from outer space.
Friday 1 June 2012
Heartwarming Royal Movies Show Queen Not Wearing Crown In Spare Time
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| Mrs W was always joking with chums about cheese rationing |
The doting public will be delighted to see, for the first time, their unpretentiously egalitarian monarch doing all the mundane things every ordinary 50s wife and mum used to do – lifting her feet obligingly whilst the servants hand-wash the Axminster, filming in the palace gardens with an industry-standard movie camera, and indulgently asking her children: “Who are you?” and “Have you come far?”
In a particularly touching highlight of the priceless archive which reveals just how much times have changed during Her Majesty’s 60-year reign, loyal serfs will be deeply moved to see the young Queen laughing as she pushes Prince Charles out of the frame.
Lords Of The Admiralty, Emma And The Queen Mum Conspired Darkly Against Punk Festival, Claim Anarcho-Organisers
Fans of punk music left disappointed and out-of-pocket by the last-minute cancellation of Bath’s ‘Last Jubilee’ festival this weekend have been told by organisers Bellsonit Non-Events that dark forces of authority – rumoured to be an unholy alliance of the Five Sea Lords, genteel fictional character Emma Woodhouse and the late Queen Mother – secretly conspired to prevent the dog-on-a-string event which undoubtedly threatened to tear down the entire rotten edifice of state authority.
“Using SO-CALLED health and safety LEGISLATION whose ‘legitimacy’ we, naturally, do not recognise,” Bellsonit posted on their website, “Dark ESTABLISHMENT figures on the COUNCIL made ridiculous claims like ‘well, that’ll be nice’ and pathetic DEMANDS such as ‘if you need any advice, give our helpline a ring’ which were clearly intended to MAKE US forget to sign any contracts, which incidentally are designed solely to reinforce BLIND OBEDIENCE to artificial HIERARCHIES, or pay anyone with evil CRAPitalist tokens of OPPRESSION.”
Bemused officers at Bath & North East Somerset Council, meanwhile, have expressed a keen interest in seeing the Cancellation Notice the organisers insist was served on them by the local authority, as they have never seen one before because there is no such thing.
“To say we are out of pocket is a massive understatement,” Bellsonit told thousands of irate fans, who have handed over up to £125 each for a ticket.
Their website was subsequently updated, replacing the word ‘understatement’ with ‘porky’.
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| You wanted anarchy - you got anarchy |
Bemused officers at Bath & North East Somerset Council, meanwhile, have expressed a keen interest in seeing the Cancellation Notice the organisers insist was served on them by the local authority, as they have never seen one before because there is no such thing.
“To say we are out of pocket is a massive understatement,” Bellsonit told thousands of irate fans, who have handed over up to £125 each for a ticket.
Their website was subsequently updated, replacing the word ‘understatement’ with ‘porky’.
Thursday 31 May 2012
Nagging Golf Enthusiasts To Strike For God-Given Right To World’s Best Pensions
The contemptuous prick who lounges behind a desk for an hour or two every morning, ordering you to stop doing everything that gives you pleasure before roaring off for an agreeable afternoon out on the links, will be enjoying an extra round on June 21st because somebody, somewhere, is due for an even bigger pension than him, according to an open letter written by his gang.
“Listen, scum,” the BMA explained in every newspaper, “The founding principle of the National Health Service, according to no less an authority than that ghastly little Bevan twerp, is that our mouths should be stuffed with gold. The thought that anybody else might get more cash bunged their way, when they retire to Cornwall, than we will fills Britain’s hardworking doctors – and all the rest of us, too - with a deep-rooted moral sense of injustice, indignation and envy. Now for god’s sake stop smoking, you fat bastard. Get out, you disgust me.”
In a heartwarming gesture of goodwill towards the ignorant proles whose taxes rightly line their pockets, GPs promised that the humble lackeys who do all the tedious parts of the job - which would otherwise involve getting up from their expensive swivel chairs and actually touching poor people and their odious bodily fluids – will, naturally, not be permitted to take a day off.
“And if your stupid, ugly head falls off or whatever, don’t shit yourself,” added a BMA spokesman with a yawn, as he practiced his swing. “We’ve hired the usual foreign johnny to prod your flabby guts and scribble you a chit for two weeks’ worth of Prozac.”
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| St Mellion's fees are a tad dearer than your Age UK day centre, remember |
In a heartwarming gesture of goodwill towards the ignorant proles whose taxes rightly line their pockets, GPs promised that the humble lackeys who do all the tedious parts of the job - which would otherwise involve getting up from their expensive swivel chairs and actually touching poor people and their odious bodily fluids – will, naturally, not be permitted to take a day off.
“And if your stupid, ugly head falls off or whatever, don’t shit yourself,” added a BMA spokesman with a yawn, as he practiced his swing. “We’ve hired the usual foreign johnny to prod your flabby guts and scribble you a chit for two weeks’ worth of Prozac.”
Wednesday 30 May 2012
Public Should Stop Being Shallow, Judgemental Fuckwits, Say No MPs
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| This is what a healthy child should look like |
Instead, they have opted to blame the media as usual, dump the problem on overworked teachers and expect them to sort it all out, said hamster-cheeked chairwoman Jo Swinson MP.
“Tragic social afflictions ranging from low self-esteem to fatal eating disorders should definitely be laid solely at the door of the fashion industry,” blubbered the double-chinned chubster. “It’s really not about your NHS-funded GP telling you ‘Lose the flab or die, you disgusting fat fuck’ every time you go in for your travel jabs. And it certainly has nothing to do with the average voter being a petty-minded fucktard whose corrosive spite ultimately harms them and their own loved ones as much as everyone else on whom they pass their spectacularly ignorant snap judgements.”
The committee will now pretend to focus its attention on dreaming up a new, inoffensive way to tell you how disgusting you all look.
“It seems that ‘fat’, ‘obese’, ‘overweight’ and ‘Christ, look at the state of you’ have somehow acquired negative connotations,” snapped a pinch-faced GP, in whose mind everyone can and should look like Kate Moss and all smokers are equivalent to the Moors Murderers. “I’m already looking forward to reducing ‘cuddly’ to a gratuitous term of abuse hurled from the windows of passing Astras.”
Milburn Strangely Silent On Eton Alumni Seeking Glittering Careers In Call Centres
Puzzled ministers are today rechecking government advisor Alan Milburn’s progress report on social mobility, amidst concerns that a key section on downward mobility may have been inadvertently omitted due to a printing error.
“There’s chapter after chapter bemoaning the continued reluctance of employers in the fields of law, medicine and journalism to recruit the brightest chavs directly from their inner-city sink battlezones,” exclaimed baffled employment minister Chris Grayling. “Yet I can’t seem to find a single pie chart showing any rise in public-school entry into the hallowed ranks of cold-calling professionals.”
Mr Milburn is strangely short on detail, too, regarding the number of bankers’ sons and daughters planning a meteoric rise through retail display logistics, cherry-picking the most lucrative apprenticeships in boiler maintenance or rushing to enlist in the infantry.
“I’m quite sure that Mr Milburn must have plenty to say about the main political parties, concerning the tragically ongoing shortage of MPs who have ever done an day’s honest toil in their lives, considering that he used to be a postman himself,” sneered a top Whitehall mandarin. “Perhaps he delivered that bit to the wrong printers.”
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| I say, do get those call-time averages down, chaps |
Mr Milburn is strangely short on detail, too, regarding the number of bankers’ sons and daughters planning a meteoric rise through retail display logistics, cherry-picking the most lucrative apprenticeships in boiler maintenance or rushing to enlist in the infantry.
“I’m quite sure that Mr Milburn must have plenty to say about the main political parties, concerning the tragically ongoing shortage of MPs who have ever done an day’s honest toil in their lives, considering that he used to be a postman himself,” sneered a top Whitehall mandarin. “Perhaps he delivered that bit to the wrong printers.”
Tuesday 29 May 2012
‘What The Hell Do You Think You’re Playing At?’ Former Murdoch Hack Asks Leveson
Education secretary and, coincidentally, former News International hack Michael Gove today accused the Leveson Inquiry of being nothing but a disgraceful waste of time and money, motivated purely by spite and probably orchestrated by the Socialist Workers’ Party.
“I am unashamedly on the side of the great god Murdoch, one of the most significant figures in our planet’s history, who says we should think very carefully before crossing him,” grovelled Mr Gove impassionedly.
“The predictable moan of ‘Something must be done about untouchable media moguls’ corrupt lackeys riding a coach and horses over the rights of ordinary members of the public on an industrial scale, with the connivance of our institutionally corrupt police forces’ often leads to people doing something which isn't always wise,” he continued reverently, kneeling before a shrine featuring the last edition of the News Of The World. “Like this jumped-up kangaroo court, for example.”
Quivering with righteous indignation, Mr Gove then leapt to his feet, pointed an accusing finger at Lord Leveson and demanded: “Why don’t you go home and do something with your life, Trotsky, instead of harassing a poor defenceless old man? Something must be done about you.”
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| This berk belongs to Rupert Murdoch |
“The predictable moan of ‘Something must be done about untouchable media moguls’ corrupt lackeys riding a coach and horses over the rights of ordinary members of the public on an industrial scale, with the connivance of our institutionally corrupt police forces’ often leads to people doing something which isn't always wise,” he continued reverently, kneeling before a shrine featuring the last edition of the News Of The World. “Like this jumped-up kangaroo court, for example.”
Quivering with righteous indignation, Mr Gove then leapt to his feet, pointed an accusing finger at Lord Leveson and demanded: “Why don’t you go home and do something with your life, Trotsky, instead of harassing a poor defenceless old man? Something must be done about you.”
Nobody Threatening To Kill Anyone For Wanting $100k Handbag
After receiving death threats for hacking a $100,000 Hermes Birkin handbag apart with a chainsaw and setting fire to it on her reality TV show, Clint Eastwood’s daughter Franscesca says she is still no closer to discovering why nobody has been marked for death for wanting to waste $100,000 on one in the first place.
“Ma paw blowed millions to keep Sondra Locke a-hangin’ on his arm, but wun’t nobody tol’ him he was gonna die for it,” pouted the 18-year-old model. “An’ hell, she could be -and was - comprehensively out-acted by a goddam gibberin’ monkey. Reckon them death threats is a-comin’ from jealous Hermes customers who done staked their claim on these here bags an’ are still waitin’ on a delivery.”
Mr Eastwood, meanwhile, vowed to track down the low-down dirty scum who threatened his purty daughter and bring them to justice.
“I know what you’re thinking,” he sneered. “Being as this is a $100k Hermes, the most power-dressing handbag in the world, and would blow your neighbours clean away, you've got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel needy? Well, do ya, punk?”
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| Hoo-ee, gals, we's gonna have us a lynchin'! |
Mr Eastwood, meanwhile, vowed to track down the low-down dirty scum who threatened his purty daughter and bring them to justice.
“I know what you’re thinking,” he sneered. “Being as this is a $100k Hermes, the most power-dressing handbag in the world, and would blow your neighbours clean away, you've got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel needy? Well, do ya, punk?”
Monday 28 May 2012
Sunday 27 May 2012
Saturday 26 May 2012
Theresa May Urges Citizen Army To Repel Greek Hordes
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| The time for appeasement is over, says Mrs May |
“Even though large tracts of Europe and many old and famous states have fallen or may fall into the grip of depressed euros and all the odious apparatus of fiscal rules, we shall not flag or fail,” Mrs May told a cheering Daily Telegraph. “We shall defend our island, whatever the cost may be. We shall fight Greeks on the beaches, we shall fight Greeks on the landing grounds, we shall fight Greeks in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight Greeks in the hills; we shall never surrender.”
All over Britain, Mrs May’s incompetent but mustard-keen supporters took time out from marching round in circles, manning the barricades and muttering about fuzzy-wuzzies to sew inspiring new ‘Home Guard’ patches over their much-ridiculed ‘EDL’ armbands.
When reminded that the Conservatives had, in fact, surrendered the nation’s borders in 1973, Mrs May retorted that this was not their finest hour.
Arab Spring Enthusiasts Strangely Muted As Egyptians Vote For Fundamentalism Or Oppression
With most Egyptians voting for members of the Muslim Brotherhood or the oprressive government they overthrew in their democratic presidential election, the world eagerly awaits the thoughts of Facebook’s legion of pro-democracy campaigners on the matter.
“The peaceful overthrow of the Mubarak regime, we were assured by hourly posts last year, heralded nothing less than the beginning of a new Aquarian age of unprecedented human advancement,” said Josh Geake, whose perception of everything that happens in the world is filtered through Facebook. “Now that Egypt is poised to wind the clock back either 50 years to authoritarian rule by the military or 1000 years to authoritarian rule by religious nutters, I have to say find myself in serious need of further enlightenment as to how this might usher in a new era of freedom for humanity.”
“I was led to believe that, once the people take control of their destiny, only groovy things can happen,” he frowned in bafflement. “I’m sure there’s a perfectly sensible explanation for what’s happened here, but frankly I’d much prefer hippies filling my Newsfeed with the stuff of dreams.”
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| Take your pick for the age of Aquarius |
“I was led to believe that, once the people take control of their destiny, only groovy things can happen,” he frowned in bafflement. “I’m sure there’s a perfectly sensible explanation for what’s happened here, but frankly I’d much prefer hippies filling my Newsfeed with the stuff of dreams.”
Wednesday 23 May 2012
Facebook Starting To Regret Jumping Without Parachute
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| So long, Zuckers |
“We jumped under the impression that we were going to float off into the wild blue yonder, thanks to the remarkable self-inflating valuation designed for us by thrill-seeking underwriters, Acme Bank,” posted Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg breathlessly, as he rapidly approached terminal velocity. “But the dotcom boom we were hoping to land on is getting closer every second, and now I can distinctly make out the words ‘Class Action’.”
“It’s looking uncomfortably like we’re about to be splattered messily all over the front pages,” he shared moments later. “Goodbye, cool world.”
Chimps And Humans Exhibit Similar Behaviour, Announce Researchers As Cameron Hurls Faeces At Rival
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| And there's plenty more where that came from |
“This is a key part of the day-to-day ritual within the Westminster troupe,” whispered Sir David Attenborough, bravely squatting just inches from Mr Cameron, who hissed and bared his teeth threateningly but continued to forage for wine.
“Having no social status within the hierarchy of government, the tribal outcasts will, from time to time, openly flaunt their Balls at the leader just to provoke a reaction,” he continued sagely. “Most of the time he will ignore them as he goes about his routine, marking his territory and trying to pick fleas off his subordinates. However, his advances have recently been rejected by an older female, Angela, leaving him sexually frustrated and aggressive.”
“Oh, you dirty little monkey,” exclaimed the broadcasting legend indignantly, as a clearly aggravated Mr Cameron suddenly showered him with a barrage of shit.
Tuesday 22 May 2012
‘Sandwich-Board Jobseeker’ Bollocks Celebrates Diamond Jubilee
Millions of cheering British employers took to the streets today to celebrate the 60th anniversary of the Daily Mail’s traditional ‘Desperate Jobseeker Dons Sandwich Board’ story.
The much-loved national institution – in which the Associated Newspapers group patriotically does its bit for the unemployment figures by hiring an out-of-work drama graduate for a half-hour photoshoot – went walkabout on an M5 slip-road near Bromsgrove, which marks the farthest visit to the north ever made by a serving Mail photographer.
“In these uncertain times of global recession, when competition for jobs is fierce, it’s reassuring to the cunts who read the Mail to fondly imagine that, if they lost their jobs – through no fault of their own, naturally - they, too, would surely win through with the same bulldog spirit personified by our iconic middle-class jobhunter, while the sink-estate dolescum who infest our Jobcentres stuff their guts with KFC buckets in front of The Jeremy Kyle Show,” explained Associated Newspapers’ tormentor-in-chief Paul Dacre. “Times may change, but the time-honoured social hierarchy of unemployment keeps soldiering on. God bless it.”
Elsewhere in the Mail, it was revealed that the government plans to fine editors up to £1.00 if they persist in dumping rubbish all over their pages.
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| 60 glorious years |
“In these uncertain times of global recession, when competition for jobs is fierce, it’s reassuring to the cunts who read the Mail to fondly imagine that, if they lost their jobs – through no fault of their own, naturally - they, too, would surely win through with the same bulldog spirit personified by our iconic middle-class jobhunter, while the sink-estate dolescum who infest our Jobcentres stuff their guts with KFC buckets in front of The Jeremy Kyle Show,” explained Associated Newspapers’ tormentor-in-chief Paul Dacre. “Times may change, but the time-honoured social hierarchy of unemployment keeps soldiering on. God bless it.”
Elsewhere in the Mail, it was revealed that the government plans to fine editors up to £1.00 if they persist in dumping rubbish all over their pages.
Employers To Regain Right To Fondle Your Breasts
In the middle of his hectic sightseeing schedule in Chicago, David Cameron insisted that Britain will only regain its rightful position as the dominant power on Earth when your boss is given back his God-given right to place his hand down your blouse and rub your nipples.
“My good chum and tennis partner, Adrian Beecroft, is quite right to point out that, instead of being tied up in silly red tape, employers’ hands must be free to wander where they will,” said the PM, taking time out from his search for the upmarket restaurant where his hero, Ferris Bueller, famously pretended to be Abe Froman, the sausage king of Chicago.
Among other plainly daft socialist-inspired employment laws in urgent need of repeal - continued Mr Cameron, as he clambered onto a parade float to sing Twist and Shout - were the silly ban on giving underlings a good kick in the seat of the pants, tiresome compensation claims when they lose a limb after needlessly expensive safety equipment is removed, and the inexplicable proscription on executing menials who fail to tug their forelocks swiftly enough.
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| Keep that uniform damp, Miss Travers |
Among other plainly daft socialist-inspired employment laws in urgent need of repeal - continued Mr Cameron, as he clambered onto a parade float to sing Twist and Shout - were the silly ban on giving underlings a good kick in the seat of the pants, tiresome compensation claims when they lose a limb after needlessly expensive safety equipment is removed, and the inexplicable proscription on executing menials who fail to tug their forelocks swiftly enough.
Monday 21 May 2012
Police Release Hideous Abomination Upon World
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| Aargh |
The ungodly creation sprang to life at the height of a media storm, when auditors discovered that overreaching police forces deluded by their unhealthy obsessions have been furtively storing body parts in evidence rooms and canteen fridges for decades.
“We were just trying to create the perfect copper,” moaned project leader Superintendant Frank Einstein, after the vengeful creature cruelly tore him a new one. “The lads will be out all night, I promise you, scouring the countryside for anything they can use to fit up this unholy beast.”
STOP PRESS: Foul Creature Sighted In Arctic Waters
The grotesque approximation of police life has recently been sighted off the coast of Norway – where, its guilt-wracked creators suggest, it may be hoping to achieve some sort of acceptance in a bleak, desolate but critically-acclaimed Scandinavian investigative drama involving some sort of pullover.
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