Doctors Don’t Know Jack Shit About Anything, Boardroom Wallahs Tell Delighted Government

The average NHS doctor is a drooling idiot who can’t diagnose his arse from his elbow, let alone chronic suffering from chronic laziness, say the management wonks whom the Department For No Work And No Pensions commissioned to tell them what they wanted to hear.

Trust me, I'm a manager

David Frost, the director general of the British Chambers of Commerce (not the former satirist and co-founder of TV-am) and Dame Carol Black - who may actually have practised medicine at some early point in her career, before her breakthrough discovery of comfy chairs in the boardroom – have reported to an ecstatic DWP that the diagnosis of long-term health conditions is far too important to be entrusted to slack-jawed general practitioners and should be performed instead by an appointed panel of doctors who can’t be arsed with practising medicine any more.

“Hello, good evening and welcome. Unlike GPs - whose so-called ‘patients’ are almost certainly splitting their ill-gotten benefits 50/50 with them, I dare say - an independent panel on a lucrative government contract will of course be completely and utterly impartial,” droned Mr Frost, whose vast knowledge of Powerpoint and minutes of previous meetings uniquely qualifies him to weigh up complex medical factors. “Just like Atos Medical, in fact, who richly deserve the completely and utterly impartial bonuses they get for depriving the sick and disabled of their benefits. And, of course, it will be through its absolute independence that the panel will meet the government’s arbitrary target of telling 20% of the disabled to fuck off down the dole office and start looking for jobs they can do perfectly well whilst crying their eyes out in pain and misery.”

Dame Carol, concurring, then moved an extraordinary motion of remunerative gratitude to herself and Mr Frost, which was unanimously carried by themselves.

London Won’t Take It

Millions of struggling poor people defiantly stood shoulder-to-shoulder with the bankers of the Square Mile today, after David Cameron heroically denounced EU proposals for a ‘Tobin tax’ on financial transactions as “an attack on Britain”.

We all stand together

“Tobin is a dastardly substance to deploy against innocent civilians, who will in some unspecified way be the real victims of this vicious onslaught against the very heart of our financial empire,” said the plucky PM, moments before he flew off on a desperate attempt to bomb Berlin’s deadly Tobin factories to smithereens. “I hope it will soon be banned forever under an international treaty.”

As his crate left the runway and staggered into the skies, Mr Cameron was last seen waving two fingers at the cheering crowds.

“Those bloody foreigners are up to their old tricks again,” shouted a patriotic pensioner as he huddled for protection with hundreds of other defiant Londoners on a platform of Bank tube station, deep beneath the City. “But they’ll never win, because they’ll find we British are all in it together.”

Big-Hearted Children Generously Donate Services To BBC Celebrities In Need Appeal

Please, don't let any more celebs die a lonely, painful death on ITV

Millions of children all over Britain have been dressing up in expensive fancy dress today, selflessly giving up their valuable time to raise much-needed profiles for the BBC’s annual Celebrities In Need appeal.

“With the licence fee cruelly frozen, millions of lovable little BBC stars are facing a miserable Christmas and an uncertain New Year,” cajoled Sir Terry Wogan. “Stars like poor little Doctor Who. He’s been painfully thin all year, he went missing for a while during the summer and he’ll hardly get out at all next year. Won’t you help the brave little fella live out his dream and visit Hollywood before he dies?”

Tess Daly also issued a moving appeal on behalf of BBC newsreaders – who, in the face of brutal cuts to amusing panel shows, are reduced to prancing about with their mad old granny in the tragic hope that they might one day be rewarded with a paltry daytime quiz format.

“And please, please spare a thought for lovable Vic and Bob,” pleaded Fearne Cotton. “They’ve just heard that the wheels have finally fallen off the knackered old comedy vehicle they’ve relied on for years, and now it’s only fit for the scrapheap.”

More Spacker Jokes Please, Golden Globes Organisers Beg Gervais

What the beautiful people can look forward to

The undisputed god of comedy, Ricky Gervais, has once more been invited to host the annual Golden Globes awards ceremony - but only, say organisers, on the strict condition that he peppers every sentence with his pants-wettingly ironic views on Down’s Syndrome.

“Gervais – who all comedians are now contractually obliged to pray to at the start of every gig – is the perfect host for this glamorous ceremony in front of Tinseltown’s beautiful people,” said a spokesman for the Hollywood Foreign Press Association. “And you can bet your sweet ass, buddy, none of them are mongs.”

Broadcaster NBC, which will be televising Gervais’ string of hilarious crip-based insults, later confirmed that the funniest man in the world will be bringing along his little stumpy prop Warwick Davis, tossing him into the crowd and inviting the assembled glitterati to join in what it promises will be a deeply moving tribute to raise public awareness of the issues faced by the disabled community.

When invited to comment on the Golden Globes, Mr Gervais pulled one of his side-splitting mong faces, went, “Awwwmmmpff ” and charged the Nev Filter £200,000.

Doctors Still Unconcerned About Toxic Fumes Belching Out Of Their Chelsea Tractors

The sweet scented air of your GP's freedom to drive a fucking tank

As they urged the government to stop you doing whatever the fuck you like with a cigarette, on your own, in your own sodding car, doctors continued to have no opinion whatsoever about the poisonous fumes your car – and, to a greater extent, theirs – belches out of its exhaust pipe into the air nobody has any choice about breathing.

“So the government keeps stalling and stalling over our failure to comply with EU air quality standards, which is just about the worst in Europe mainly because I drive a fucking tank a quarter of a mile just to make a house call on the granny farm down the road. So what? I pay my taxes,” said an angry doctor, still frowning at the idea of ignoramuses like you driving around in your prole tins, blatantly minding your own business whilst openly doing something you enjoy.

“Unless I can claim it back as a legitimate business expense, naturally,” he mused. “Yes, of course I need a Porsche Cayenne for my job. One day I might be called to a medical emergency on the top of Mount fucking Snowdon. Now piss off, scum, and stop doing things you enjoy. Whatever it is, it’s bad for you. Idiot.”

“I hate you,” he added.

Businesses Demand Funding To Enslave Young Unemployeds

As youth unemployment soared past a million, Britain’s business community today called on the government to bung its members the necessary funds they need to enslave all of Britain’s teeming young unemployed forever.

And they've all got at least 3 A* grades

“Youth unemployment figures are truly shocking and with more than one million young people unable to find a job, the Government must wake up and realise that there will never be a better opportunity to bring back slavery,” said John Walker, chairman of the Federation Of Small Exploiters. “Otherwise we might very well all have to relocate our head offices to China, where all the crap we sell is made already. Of course, chains, gruel and horsewhips don’t come cheap, and I don’t see why we should have to stump up a penny out of our own pockets.”

“A generation risks being scarred by the devastating effects of long-term unemployment,” warned John Cridland, doomsayer-general of the Confederation of Bastards Industry. “The government ought to be making it worth our while to scar them with the devastating effects of long-term slavery instead.”

“What with the staggering cost of paying the bean counters to show us how to avoid paying our taxes, the only way we can possibly ever become competitive again is to pay our workforce less than the Chinese, i.e. bugger all,” he added. “Come on, Osborne, cough up if you want to keep that AAA rating.”

Tories ‘Consistently Voiced Concerns’ About PFI Ever Since We Introduced It, Claims Twit

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, sure, George

Britain’s top twit, chancellor George Osborne, today announced that the government would be reviewing the Private Finance Initiative, after statistics showed that the future had completely run out of money to pay for all the ruinously expensive buildings cheerfully thrown up during the past two decades on the never-never.

“We Tories have consistently voiced concerns about PFI, which is why we launched it so enthusiastically in 1992,” yammered Osborne’s flapping mouth. “Developers pulling down perfectly serviceable buildings and banging out shiny new ones just to exploit a VAT loophole, then charging the public purse way over the odds for decades to come is plain bloody stupid. Only a party of criminally irresponsible dunces could even have contemplated such a crazy scheme, just because it conveniently keeps the staggering cost off the books.”

The blithering idiot who holds Britain’s economy in his feeble grasp added that he had been absolutely against PFI since taking office in May 2010 - which was why he continued to sign off new projects until the Treasury’s calculator finally exploded, when it generated a final payment date beyond the point in the far future when our planet will be engulfed by its dying sun.

Research Shows Gamers’ Brains Dominated By Overdeveloped ‘Masturbation Hub’

Stop it, you'll go blind

CT scans conducted on teenage computer game addicts show that their brains are radically different from those of normal people, according to new research which reveals that what scientists call the ‘wanking hub’ of the brain - which handles instant gratification – almost completely fills their skulls, leaving the parts of the brain which deal with communication, reasoning and finding a girlfriend almost completely atrophied.

“We don’t yet know whether freakish wankers are psychologically drawn into playing these pointless games over and over again while other people are going out and getting on with their lives, or if indulging in non-stop self-gratification in front of a screen actually causes brain growth to malfunction in this way,” said puzzled researchers. “Give us a load of free copies of Modern Warfare 3, and we’ll get back to you.”

Missile Launching Added To 2012 Olympics

In deference to widespread American fears that the United Kingdom is populated entirely by the Taleban, London 2012 organisers have agreed that the two discretionary sports they can add to the Olympic roster will consist of surface-to-air and air-to-surface missile launching.

Run, Usain Bolt, run

“Each US entrant will have to compete encumbered with an FGM-148 Javelin man-portable wire-guided missile launcher,” Lord Coe told reporters. “While the weight of the missile, launch tube and guidance controls may prove something of a handicap, we are looking at ways to reward successful kills with time, distance or points bonuses.”

“Meanwhile, the US Air Force will be deploying its battle-tested A-10 tankbusters in the skies above London, ready to take on any challenges from other nations,” he added. “We shall, of course, be providing America’s gung-ho flyboys with the latest intel on the configuration and schedules of London’s buses and overground Tube services - so with a bit of luck there shouldn’t be that many regrettable blue-on-blue incidents.”

As an extra sop to frightened US competitors, each will be accompanied at all times by dedicated FBI agents, specially trained to hurl themselves bodily into the path of any incoming suicide bombers, gun-wielding fanatics or competitors.

‘Arse’ Is Complimentary Military Acronym, Insists Red-Faced Tory MP

Colonel Patprick Mercer, the Tory MP in hot water after directing a barrage of insults at PM David Cameron at a party last week, has strenuously defended his words, claiming that they are merely military jargon which has been misconstrued by civilians.

A compliment to the Prime Minister

“I say, chaps, when I called Cameron an arse, that’s just a common acronym among the rank-and-file soldiery for A Really Spiffing Example,” he spluttered, over a G&T at the Army and Navy Club. “And to call a fellow ‘a most despicable creature without any redeeming features’ is, well, that’s merely the traditional toast of the Worcester and Sherwood Foresters’ mess complimenting the latest fearless exploits of one’s commanding officer.”

The former BBC defence correspondent also took issue with the sound quality of the recording made at the private function.

“Now look here, old boy, this won’t do at all,” he mumbled into his glass. “When I said I’d take a beggar from the streets rather than him, that blasted tape thingummy completely garbled the bit towards the end where I said ‘and give him a jolly good thrashing’. Have a couple of whisky chasers on me – here, finish the bottle – and I think you’ll agree.”

“And damned if the bloody thing didn’t make an absolute balls of the part where I was explaining to the waiter that I hate macaroons,” he insisted as he slowly slid from his armchair.

The Prime Minister later told reporters that he gave his full support to Colonel Mercer, adding that they could interpret that in any way they pleased.