Tower Nobody Knows The Name Of To Be Given Name Everybody Will Forget

Google 'Big Ben' and this comes up. QED

The pointy bit of the big place where all the politicians live with bells in it, which everyone mistakenly calls Big Ben, is to receive another name which they will immediately forget.

Despite the tall thing being given the same name as the Queen, the collective British consciousness said it is supremely confident that it will remain as impervious to new information as it has been over the magnificence of its empire, the benefits of its special relationship with the United States and the obvious superiority of its footballers.

That Idyllic Rural Olympic Opening Ceremony In Full

1. Lord Coe is discovered lying face-down among the hydrangeas, with a knife in his back.

2. Police seal off picturesque Olympic Stadium from 21st century.

Celebrating the timeless tranquility of the British countryside

3. Inspector of ceremonies descends in huge Volvo-sponsored balloon.

4. Identity parade featuring 1st Queen’s English regiment of middle-class suspects.

5. Buckinghamshire red herrings distributed among cheering spectators.

6. Display of formation dancing by police around illuminated replica of mulberry bush.

7. Spectators led merrily up enormous garden path.

8. Traditional pruning of tangled relationships.

9. Ceremonial unveiling of the guilty party.

10. Pub.

Business Leaders Keen To Build On Jubilee Legacy Of Forced Labour

Easier on the eye than some lardy PCSO

The Institute of Directors today urged Britain to capitalise on the legacy of the Royal Jubilee, demanding a bill to repeal the abolition of slavery.

“This glorious national celebration has demonstrated to the world that the great British public really doesn’t give a rat’s arse about the unemployed,” crowed the business forum. “While they were proudly draping their tits and arses with their national flag, dolescum rounded up from the arse end of the country were shivering under London Bridge, prior to being frogmarched out to supply the illusion of security free, gratis and for nothing. What a stirring reminder to the world of the glory days when Great Britain used to dominate the lucrative slave trade.”

“Also, we’ve put 10,494 miles of bunting on eBay, starting at 99p - perfect if you’re planning a bit of a do,” it added. “Bit damp, but it’s got nine days to dry out - it’ll be good as new.”

Meanwhile, scowling killjoy Lord Prescott insulted the Queen and threatened the future prosperity of the nation by sulkily demanding some sort of wishy-washy, hand-wringing inquiry into why the slaves were left huddling under the bridge in the chill of the night - but not into why they were forced to work for nothing, because that was introduced by Labour.

Crowds Gather To Watch Stately Water-Bound Procession On A20

The British do this sort of thing better than anyone else

A throng of easily-impressed sightseers has assembled between Folkestone and Dover, eager to catch an unforgettable glimpse of the largest assembly of sea-going transport in 350 years - which is drifting majestically at a stately 3mph down the A20, hoping to escape the UK’s dismal Jubilee bank holiday forecast of non-stop pouring drivel.

“Look at this, Emma!” City worker Rob Blind impressed upon his sleepy four-month old daughter, from a vantage point on the Cauldham Lane bridge overlooking the slow-moving procession. “You’ll never see a sight like this again for as long as you live – ordinary people who can afford a holiday!”

The most impressive barge of the day undoubtedly belonged to Mr Wayne Prunt, who delighted the cheering crowds and his latest girlfriend by gunning his antique BMW 318 and sailing through a layby south of Church Wood at 60mph. As he floated serenely past with a tuneful blast on his airhorn, a dozen finger-waving participants saw red, bared their white teeth and turned the air blue.

“This is a profoundly moving sight,” commented a delighted spokesman for the Dover Harbour Board as, one by one, participating vehicles flowed at an almost imperceptible pace onto a waiting ferry. “But only just.”

Britain's Class System Explained

Recession Ends As Blue People Win Thing

Shiny thing make it all better

The British public were still dancing deliriously in every street up and down the land this morning after blue-shirted people won a shiny thing and red-shirted people didn’t, causing the recession to disappear forever.

Not in other news:

Europe Reverts To Hunter-Gatherer Existence 

NHS Abolished 

Badgers Awarded Benefits As Disabled Cull Begins

Extra Personnel To Reduce Queues At Heathrow

Cameron Slated For Flying Dinner Guests To Japan On Non-British Plane

The jet-setting prime minister is facing mounting anger today for not using a British airline to take his friends to dinner in Japan.

Your return flight has been booked, prime minister

David Cameron rode into a storm of criticism as he flew out - along with representatives of 35 British businesses – on a chartered Angolan jet, hoping to put a little Japanese trade their way as a thank-you for their generous party donations.

“We’re bloody furious,” said a spokesman for the British air-travel industry. “All those brown envelopes our members have handed to Peter Cruddas seem to count for nothing. Sure, the pudding was exquisite, but we want a refund.”

The airlines were not mollified by Mr Cameron’s desperate announcement of closer ties between Britain and Japan’s defence industries.

“For fuck’s sake, Cameron, British Aerospace is an arms manufacturer, not an airline,” commented a spokesman for British Airways. “Pull your bloody finger out, or from now on you’ll be flying third-world class until one of the wings falls off.”

Black Hole Formed By Implosion Of Daily Mail

The implosion of the Daily Mail today - after its discovery that hated EU laws could save the proudly British disgrace of binge drinking from its beloved Tories’ unpardonable pettiness – has summoned into existence a deadly singularity which threatens to suck all rational thought out of existence, astronomers confirmed today.

The last known photo of Mr Dacre, with a Daily Mail reporter

“Our instruments recorded a brief but massive burst of noise from Paul Dacre’s office,” explained NASA’s Dr Randy von Braun. “That in itself isn’t unusual, but this time it was abruptly cut off before it could resolve itself into the usual expletive-laden tirade against the hapless hacks trapped in his orbit. When our colleagues at Greenwich Observatory pointed their telescopes at Kensington, they saw a terrible, lightless void from which nothing can escape – Northcliffe House, the home of Associated Newspapers.”

“The worrying thing, though, is that it seems to be expanding,” he added ominously.

Scientists suspect the implosion began when Mr Dacre saw “BAN ON CHEAP DRINKS BREAKS EU LAW” filling the front page of today’s Daily Mail. Dangerously unstable for aeons, the editor-in-chief proved unable to withstand the conflicting forces of law and order, snobbery, blind nationalism and xenophobic bigotry which, without warning, the headline suddenly unleashed inside his head.

The still-expanding event horizon has already engulfed the whole of Middle England, where millions of minds have already been sucked into oblivion by the awful rift in the very fabric of normality.

Obama Reassures Cameron: ‘Sure, You’re Special’

Spot the prime minister

Panting with anticipation, prime minister David Cameron has arrived in the United States to receive from President Obama the reassurance he craves that he – and by extension, the whole of the UK – is ‘special’.

Wagging his little vestigial tail with delight, Mr Cameron proudly took up his customary position at Barack Obama’s heel at the press call, and yapped with glee when the president threw him a biscuit and called him his ‘special’ friend.

The highlight of Mr Cameron’s stay with the master to whom he is devoted will come when, after being flown all the way to Ohio in the pets’ hold of Air Force One as a treat, he will be invited to perform tricks in front of an admiring audience.

“It’s so cute when David leaps up to catch my basketball in his little mouth,” smiled Mr Obama, as he absent-mindedly scratched his faithful puppy’s nodding head. “He doesn’t care how much it hurts, he just rolls over every time and begs for more. David’s a bit special, but we love him anyway. He’s our dumb, loyal friend who just keeps on giving.”

“Get off my leg, mutt,” he added.

Fuck Knows How Many Adults Can’t Add Up, But It’s Shitloads

Nobody has the faintest idea what percentage of the adult population of Britain are functionally innumerate, according to squiggly things that look a bit like wonky letters published today by YouGov - or even what a percentage is, not that it matters – but apparently it’s quite a lot.

Britain thinks it's some kind of code

“It is simply inexcusable for anyone to say 'I can't do maths',” nagged Chris Humphries, chair of newly-launched charity Numeracy Matters. "It doesn't happen in other parts of the world, because other people have assets we simply don’t have in this country - goals, hopes, self-esteem, that sort of thing. It is a peculiarly British disease, which we aim to eradicate by loping along behind you, pushing out our lower lips with our tongues, grunting and slapping our wrists until you do a sum to make us go away.”

The charity hopes to be as successful in raising standards as the National Literacy Trust, with last year’s Skills For Life survey indicating that six out of ten people in England now have “strong” reading and writing skills.

“Christ on a bike. The most cursory glance at Facebook suggests that some dolt at the National Audit Office must have got a decimal point in the wrong place there,” moaned Mr Humphries. “Where the hell do we even begin?”

Britain To Reinforce Falklands Garrison With Diane Abbott

They can shoot it down, but it just keeps going

As Argentina angrily rebuffs David Cameron’s accusations of colonialism, the prime minister today announced that a fearsome task force consisting of Labour MP Diane Abbott had been put aboard a rowing boat in Portsmouth and, even as he spoke, was being pushed down the slipway in the general direction of the Falkland Islands.

“Let no one be in any doubt about our commitment to the Falklands,” he warned, as a cheering member of the Abbott family lined the dockside to wave off the Hero of Hackney North. “I guarantee that these islands will remain British to the core, until the day the oil under the South Atlantic goes barmy and asks for a Mickey Mouse banana-republic passport.”

Admiring armchair warriors say Ms Abbott is trained to spring into action without thinking and, on arrival in Stanley Harbour, will instantly tweet a deadly-inaccurate barrage of flaming flak against any real or imagined dago sabre-rattling.

“Keeping this white colony in what’s left of the British Empire is a key part of Britain’s strategy to divide colonialist Argentina and rule the waves,” declared Ms Abbott patriotically, bailing furiously as the tide swept her majestically past the Solent Marina.

MI6 In Race To Develop Spying Dog Turd

MI6 has been ordered to step on it

As a shame-faced Britain finally owns up to spying on Russia with a fake rock, the nation’s spooks are in a race against time to develop and deploy a top-secret dog turd which can scan and record all radio frequencies within a three-mile radius.

“Now do pay attention, 007,” snapped top MI6 boffin Q. “This may look like an ordinary shit on an ordinary pavement, but let me assure you the pavement is entirely false. This poodle has been fed for weeks on an exclusive diet of quad-band smartphones, in an attempt to incorporate cutting-edge radio reception technology into its DNA. We can then deploy it without fear of detection on the streets of Moscow, dropping listening devices outside key installations such as Mr Putin’s bathroom window.”

When it was pointed out that the dog had in fact expired, an irritated Q explained that the fiendishly cunning gadget was nevertheless ready for field trials.

“Once the dog has been mounted on wheels, Commander, you must tow it along, pausing briefly to give it a quick squeeze as you arrive at your designated waypoints,” he explained.

Sceptics, however, claim that he-man Vladimir Putin will prove unable to resist the temptation to wrestle the dog in front of Russian TV cameras, leading to unfortunate consequences which might compromise the mission.

Britain And US ‘Not Ruling Out’ Invading Each Other

As the stakes rise inexorably in the battle of words over diverse international concerns ranging from persecution of citizens to securing oil supplies, British foreign secretary William Hague and his US counterpart Hillary Clinton are reported to be hastily drawing up contingency plans to invade and occupy each other’s sovereign nations.

“For too long, the international community has sat back complacently as the American people suffer daily at the hands of autocratic, self-serving regimes which are completely out of touch with the hopes and dreams of their own citizens,” warned Mr Hague. “Police brutality is deployed as a political weapon on the streets of major cities to stamp on any act of dissent, no matter how small, no matter how peaceful, and the prisons are full to capacity - yet the ruling elite cares only for enriching itself and its powerful supporters. We have learned to our cost that no country is safe from its threats of economic and military action. It is time for the UN to authorise the use of force, and who better to liberate the downtrodden American people than the British, whom they will surely welcome as liberating brothers?”

Hague and Clinton cordially exchanging threats

“For too long, the international community has sat back complacently as the British people suffer daily at the hands of autocratic, self-serving regimes which are completely out of touch with the hopes and dreams of their own citizens,” warned Mrs Clinton. “Police brutality is deployed as a political weapon on the streets of major cities to stamp on any act of dissent, no matter how small, no matter how peaceful, and the prisons are full to capacity - yet the ruling elite cares only for enriching itself and its powerful supporters. We have learned to our cost that no country is safe from its threats of economic and military action. It is time for the UN to authorise the use of force, and who better to liberate the downtrodden British people than the Americans, whom they will surely welcome as liberating brothers?”

The governments of Iran and Syria have lodged formal protests, however, observing that both Britain and the US also happen to be oil producers.

Cameron Finds Last Thing Britain Does Well, Unveils Plan To Ruin It

After an exhaustive search, prime minister David Cameron has finally identified the only thing Britain is still any good at, and announced government plans to fuck it up beyond all recognition.

Speaking at Pinewood Studios, the incensed PM told reporters: “Do you realise that, every single day, irresponsible bastards are blowing taxpayers’ hard-earned cash on making thought-provoking films of quality and depth for that tiny minority who can still think? What a pointless waste. We need to be giving that money to the Hollywood studios who deign to make their mass-market blockbusters here instead because, my goodness, all those big explosions don’t come cheap.”

This, but in colour, is all the gritty realism you need

“I was particularly incensed to think that the Film Council might have thrown your money at that ‘Four Lions’ rubbish, an offensive piece of blatant al-Qaeda propaganda which glorifies terrorism,” raged Mr Cameron. “It didn’t, as it happens - but that’s not the point. It might have, if it felt like it.”

“And, with the government as executive producer leaning over his shoulder, there’s no reason why Mike Leigh can’t apply his talents to a big-budget gorefest remake of Fiend Without A Face, in which the brains and spinal columns are ripped out of manky Northerners by a mad scientist’s experiments, leaving them to flop down contentedly in front of Coronation Street for the rest of their lives,” he added. “That’s the sort of cinematic inspiration you crave, isn’t it?”

‘I Can Pack Up Drinking Whenever I Want’ Insists Britain, Slumped Against Newfoundland

Britain wants to know what you're looking at

Britain – currently leaning against the coast of Canada, “just to get its second wind” - has reacted furiously to the suggestion from a committee of MPs that perhaps it might like to try a day or two off the sauce for a change, just to remind itself what the world looks like without the beer goggles.

“Get your thieving hands off my fucking glass,” was the nation’s immediate response to the Commons science and technology committee’s concerns about the misery and physical consequences of alcoholism. It swiftly followed up by lashing out with Scotland, which fell off.

“I can give up any fucking time I like, see? Only I’ll do it when I feel like it, not when some jumped-up little Hitler tells me,” Britain earnestly told Canada, which it insists is its best friend in the world, ever. “Oh look, footy. Fucking sorted. Pass us another Special Brew there, mate.”

Five minutes later, however, a bloodied and soiled Britain was lying in the middle of the Atlantic, after unwisely convincing itself that Canada had nicked its pint.

War With FIFA!

At 11 o’clock this morning prime minister David Cameron solemnly told the people of Britain that he had issued a warning to FIFA’s president, Sepp Blatter, demanding that he withdraw his ban on England players wearing poppies, but that the deadline had now expired and a state of war now existed between Britain and football’s governing body.

Massed ranks of football fans are being mobilised, he added, to seize and occupy key strategic football pitches which have been identified as vital to FIFA’s ability to wage football.

Remember the fallen

“FIFA’s unprovoked attack on the defenceless poppy demonstrates a callous contempt for the loss of millions of lives,” Mr Cameron told a cheering parliament. “We shall fight on the coaches, we shall fight on the playing fields, we shall fight in the streets. We shall never surrender.”

“Let us therefore brace ourselves to our foreigner-kicking duties,” he continued, to a standing ovation and rousing cheers from MPs of all parties, “And so bear ourselves that if British football and its players’ wealth last for a thousand years, fans will still say: this was their finest hour.”

“Here we go, here we go, here we go again,” reflected sombre battle-scarred veterans of the Moan To End All Moans, which their generation fought over Britain’s historic right to host the World Cup.

Gaddafi Seen Strolling Down Tottenham Court Road

Like the bad penny

Fugitive Libyan tyrant Colonel Gaddafi has been seen by several thousand London shoppers and tourists, strolling down Tottenham Court Road looking for the best deal on an iPad and a bulk discount on rocket launchers, after Britain repealed a law that allowed ordinary citizens to arrest foreign politicians suspected of war crimes.

Under the old law, private individuals could start criminal prosecutions, including for international war crimes, simply by applying to a magistrate for an arrest warrant. Under that system, tiresome activists who insist on taking some sort of an interest in the world apart from football and trying to look sixteen forever had vowed to arrest former US secretary of state Henry Kissinger, Chinese Communist Party official Bo Xilai and Israeli foreign minister Tzipi Livni.

Justice secretary Ken Clarke explained: “Clearly, with Britain confirmed as the second most lucrative weapons dealership in the world, it’s bloody inconvenient for foreign murderers to shop here if they’ve got to drag around some dreadlocked soap-dodger who’s taken it upon himself to handcuff himself to their ankles.”

“Or worse, Peter Tatchell,” he added grimly. “Back in 1999 the police had to prise the bugger off Robert Mugabe with a crowbar, and the upshot of that little incident saw Zimbabwe’s white farmers having to suffer the double indignity of getting beaten to death with bloody French riot batons.”

Government Still Failing To Explain How Shit Britain Is

Immigration figures released today show that, despite its promises, the government is still not managing to turn foreigners away by successfully convincing them that Britain is an absolute shithole of a country that will relentlessly suck all the hope and meaning out of their lives forever.

Meet Britain's cultural ambassador

“Despite worldwide coverage of our pathetic underclass, whose only idea of political engagement is half-inching a pair of Reeboks from JJB Sports; despite the fact that what passes for commerce consists solely of selling shoddy, overpriced crap to underpaid people who sell more shoddy, overpriced crap back to us; despite the fact that nobody can afford a train ticket, let alone a roof over their heads; despite the horrors of what we laughingly refer to as a National Health Service; despite the fact that we can’t even grunt our own language; all this clearly indicates that the United Kingdom is the ante-room to Hell, yet we just can’t seem to get the message across to these people that they’re better off turning tail at customs and scarpering for home as fast as their legs can carry them,” admitted secretary of state for immigration Damien Green. “Even if that took them back to a refugee camp, at least they’d have some hope that their lot might eventually improve one day. You don’t get that here.”

“But England is the best place in the world for cricket,” said a poor deluded Lithuanian at Gatwick as he stepped off the plane. “That surely proves that this is still the promised land of village greens, tea tents and larks singing gaily in the meadows, does it not?”

“I make excellent tea,” he added, tragically, as immigration officials led him into a TV lounge showing the Jeremy Kyle Show on a continuous loop.

UN Urged To Act Against Hated Cameron Kleptocracy

With the kleptocratic British regime of David Cameron now threatening to cut off communications and deploy the army against its own civilians, the UN Security Council is to meet in emergency session later to discuss what action the international community should take against the isolated rogue state as it teeters on the brink of civil war.

Give him a good kick up the assets

“For years now, the downtrodden people of the United Kingdom have endured a permanent state of emergency, with the government cynically whipping up a state of fear against a constantly-touted threat which is, in reality, almost entirely fictitious,” observed former Cameron ally King Abdullah of Jordan, who is leading calls to topple the hated despot. “Now, when the voice of the people makes itself heard, Cameron falls back on the traditional tools of the tyrant – denying his people their freedom of speech, and threatening to send armed troops against unarmed civilians.”

“We implore the civilised nations of the world to boycott British goods until Cameron and his loot-laden government are toppled,” echoed King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia. “As of today, for example, my government is cancelling all orders for British military hardware and will be buying US and French weapons instead.”

Bahrain’s King Hamad bin Isa Al Khalifa, meanwhile, called on the UN Security Council to authorise the assembly of a coalition force to deny the British Army’s capacity to subjugate the cowering population, by targeting its depots and barracks with all-out strikes. Others, however, have counselled against precipitate bombing, preferring to wait and see if the rank-and-file troops will rise up against their privileged officer class and refuse to obey orders to assault the impoverished ghettoes from which so many of them are recruited.

The American UN delegate, however, commented: “WTF?”