Paxman Still Hurling Minister’s Guts From Television Centre Roof

Thrill-seeking Newsnight audiences ran screaming from their televisions last night, as an enraged Jeremy Paxman suddenly broke free from his token restraints and tore a whimpering Shitey Chloe Young limb from limb.

Nothing can survive a blow from the terrible claw of Paxman

The roaring beast – promoted by his handlers as ‘the last of his kind’ – was deceptively docile at first, but the moment the pretty young minister flounced onto the set his mood became increasingly wild and agitated.

The menacing grey gorilla toyed with her at first, prodding her playfully and rolling his eyes every time she tried desperately to soothe his massive, furrowed brow by repeating a quavering song about “households and businesses”. Suddenly breaking free from his restraint, however, he horrified his gawping audience by snapping his unequal challenger’s head off and ripping her to pieces, before rampaging through the emptied Television Centre to clamber onto the roof - from where he continues to shower the BBC car park with gory chunks of the hapless treasury junior.

“I smelt the fear the moment I switched on the telly,” cringed a traumatised eyewitness, cowering behind a back bench. “Why on earth wasn’t the Great Shite Chunterer on hand to shoot down this terrifying monster?”

A sheepish David Cameron today insisted that Mr Osborne had, in fact, fully intended to face down the legendary monster - but explained that the chancellor had unfortunately taken several wrong turns on the way to the studio before finally running out of fuel in a blind alley leading nowhere.

Canadian Porn Killer Offered Cabinet Post

David Cameron confirmed today that Luka Rocco Magnotta - the Canadian porn actor, murderer and lunatic noted for posting chunks of his late girlfriend to all and sundry - has been invited to join the Cabinet as a minister without portfolio.

The PM is confident that nobody will get the chop

“Luka has an exceptional gift for making savage cuts, will screw anything that moves for money and feels that accepted standards of behaviour don’t apply to him,” explained the prime minister as he opened bail negotiations with the authorities in Berlin, where the maniac was caught.

“He’ll fit right in,” he added.

Ramming Speed, Urges Hague

What a healthy economy looks like

Pounding mercilessly on his drum, foreign secretary William Hague today urged Britain’s rowers to stop moaning and row harder if they did not want to go down with their creaking galley.

As pitiless Conservative overseers frantically whipped collapsing small business owners back to semi-consciousness, Britain’s haughty Admiral and Captain were conspicuously absent from the hellish, stinking lower deck - where ranks of sweating entrepreneurs heaved desperately at their oars to relentless beat of the bald percussionist, trying desperately to steer a sluggish Britain to victory before it was consumed by deadly Greek Fire.

As Britain crashed repeatedly onto the treacherous banks and began filling rapidly with seawater, the measured tones of Mr Hague could be heard calmly ordering the stricken ship to make all possible speed for the nearest safe harbour – either India, Thailand or Indonesia.

King David In Hiding As Pengelly of Plymouth Rides On Paddington

Self-confessed liability King David Cameron is reported to have soiled his garments and fled after hearing reports that Plymouth’s ousted princess, Viv Pengelly, is marching on London on a self-righteous crusade to blame him for yesterday’s peasant revolt which saw her unjustly deposed from the throne which is her birthright.

“By owr swete Mercie did We caws an grete yncyneratour to be sette yn ye Serfes midst, rownde ye wych myte hem hudel for ye hete & protectioun from ye wolves,” sobbed the ancient pantomime dame. “Ye smityinge of ye Ær-port, We didst alowe; so hem hight never ygen lief yn Terrour of ye evill Dragounes cercling over hir hoveles. Highe-way brigandrie did We tackoul, by yeving countroul of ye rutted stretes to ye townes ox cart drivour; nowe, ye fell rorynge of yron stedes scarce nemour ys heer’d aftere Doske. An We did spend eche, & ev’ry, laste Groat of ye taxes; yea, verily, an muche mor; on ye glorious newe palace of tourneys.”

The lady of Plymouth still awaits her great western carriage

“Mark yet mor, gentil scribe; for We did caws ye Herolde to issewe, eache daye, fresshe proclamatioun to ye pesauntry; of whomso hem han to thanke for suche bowneties withal,” she added, “Thus, ye onlie posible explanacioun for hir base ingratenesse nedes moste be ye sore incompetaunce of King David. An pece of Oure mynd shal We verily yeve unto ye wretch.”

And thus it was that, throughout King David’s troubled realm, dispossessed robber barons were singing the same old song. But for them, there were no more suppers to be had.

‘I Have Breasts And Am Therefore Beyond Criticism’ Declares Guardian’s New Columnist

A fuming Louise Schmuck emerged today from the Guardian offices on Farringdon Road, where she has just been signed up to pen daily blasts against the monstruous regiment of men, to declare herself off limits to any form of criticism on the unarguable grounds that “abuse directed at women is always sexual or violent.”

Producing an onion from her sensible corduroy handbag, a sobbing Ms Schmuck revealed that, tragically, not quite everyone in the country had showered her with gratitude for her stirring defence of her sister’s publisher, the legendary feminist Rupert Murdoch - whose Sun newspaper has, for forty years, bravely run an outspoken campaign against the sexual objectification of womyn by allowing them to air their considered opinions on topics of national importance, along with their breasts.

Oh no! It's Millie Tant!

Ms Schmuck also railed against the book trade which, she insists, has brutally gang-raped the literary studies which she writes under the name of Louise Bogbrush - collectively, a throbbing social critique of devastatingly attractive, successful career womyn’s doomed efforts to acquire a tame penis that lives up to their expectations - by deliberately marginalizing them as ‘chick-lit’.

“Anybody who has a difference of opinion about anything I do or say is a serial murderer,” she asserted furiously, bearing down on a surprised traffic warden. “You there! Yes, you - police flunky! Arrest everyone in Britain immediately.”

Man Unfit To Run Media Empire Defended By Woman Unfit To Be MP

Spot the hideous parasitic sucker

Top Tory masturbation fantasy and Lady Thatcher impersonator Louise Schmuck today appeared on all channels simultaneously to explain to her intellectual inferiors why – contrary to received wisdom, common sense and the evidence of her own two eyes - Rupert Murdoch is nothing less than the acme of business morality.

“I and my less glamorous Tory colleagues on the Culture Committee disagree strongly with its conclusion that any rational human being would rather wear radioactive knickers than trust the saintly Mr Murdoch any further than they could throw him,” she simpered, speaking from the elderly press baron’s trousers.

When reminded that, coincidentally, Mr Murdoch happens to be the publisher of her sister’s books, Ms Schmuck’s permanent smile cracked and fell off, revealing a hideous parasitic sucker which literary experts say could be a some kind of metaphor.

Cameron Sees ‘No Evidence’ Of Hague Eating Baby

The PM didn't see it, therefore it didn't happen

A defiant David Cameron told an angry House of Commons today that he had seen “no evidence” of foreign secretary William Hague devouring a baby alive as he arrived five minutes early for this morning’s cabinet meeting.

“After an unfortunate encounter with the door frame, I stepped into the cabinet room to be met by a respectful silence from my colleagues,” declared the prime minister, waving his white stick at what he thought to be the opposition benches.

“My radiantly attractive home secretary, young Mrs May, told me not to worry if I thought I could smell blood, as Mr Osborne was having one of his nosebleeds again," he added. "Then Mr Hague belched in his typically forthright, northern way, which rather broke the ice, and we got down to discussing the issues facing mauve people in Britain today.”

Mr Cameron also denied that Britain was in recession, saying that he had never seen so many busy shops in Britain’s high streets, before walking out of the chamber with his head held high and into the broom cupboard.

Cameron Refuses To Confirm Or Deny That Satan Feasted On His Soul

No evidence whatsoever of dodgy dining

David Cameron today refused to disclose whether Satan, the unholy Prince of Darkness, dropped by for dinner at 10 Downing Street to gorge himself on the prime minister’s immortal soul in return for a £250,000 donation to Conservative Party funds.

“That would be a private matter between me and my Lord and Master,” insisted Mr Cameron, his shifty eyes burning like red-hot coals as gas-masked cleaners struggled to scrub the reek of sulphur from his private apartments.

The Labour Party, meanwhile, is consulting top contract lawyers – claiming that any shady deal with the Tories would place the Devil in clear breach of an existing contract signed in John Smith’s blood by Tony Blair in 1994.

That Government Access Price List In Full

Dinner with prime minister David Cameron:
£250,000
Dinner of chancellor George Osborne:
£200,000
Deputy PM Nick Clegg’s breakfast bowl of Rice Krispies:
35p (milk not included)
Baroness Thatcher’s milk - ‘Fresh From The Cow!' - for above:
£20 (self service)
Playing ‘Operation’ with health secretary Andrew Lansley:
£10,000 (at your own risk; insurance is strongly recommended)
Transport secretary Justine Greening’s railway tunnel of love:
CANCELLED
Ride on Boris Johnson’s crazy bus:
£11.37m (free rides for the ladies!)
Disabled pass for Iain Duncan Smith’s benefit performance:
save up to £156.35 - reduced to £67.50!

U-Turn On Non-Existent Sanctions To Topple Government

Turns out it wasn't such a bad idea after all

David Cameron’s coalition government is balanced precariously on the brink of collapse today after being forced into an humiliating U-turn - announcing the abolition of work-experience sanctions which, it insisted, never existed in the first place.

“Due entirely to a miserable little non-campaign by a tiny number of diehard Stalinists, I am pleased to announce that dolescum who are warmly recommended by the Jobcentre to report to the nearest supermarket, if they know what’s good for them, for a two-month crash course in placing jam in neat little rows will no longer face the imaginary threat of losing their benefits should they fail to be absolutely delighted by the CV-enhancing skillset which they are acquiring,” mumbled employment minister Chris Grayling yesterday, as floods of Britain’s biggest employers swiftly dropped the scheme like a live rattlesnake.

Leading political commentators agree that the government has been fatally weakened by its craven abolition of the non-existent penalty, and are confidently predicting a vote of no confidence in the coalition - forcing an emasculated David Cameron to call a snap election which will see the Socialist Workers’ Party swept into everlasting power on a tidal wave of proletarian enthusiasm.

Hilarious Tory Post-Ironic Wartime Poster Parody Craze Seizes Internet

‘Decent, Hard-Working Families’ Exposed As Spiteful Daily Mail-Reading Desk Jockeys Contemplating Divorce

Look at the good, honest sweat pouring off him

A nationwide search for the ‘decent, hard-working families’ whose interests and approval are the driving force behind David Cameron's government has revealed that they are all sitting on their fat arses in front of a spreadsheet from nine to five, furiously whipping themselves up into a chorus of hate over the latest welfare-state atrocity which the Daily Mail has kindly brought to their attention, whilst mentally crossing off the days until their feeble-minded children are finally old enough to be told that mummy and daddy are sick and tired of tolerating each other’s selfish emotional and physical demands.

Mr Cameron, however, dismissed the findings as “irrelevant” as he seeks to drag the Lords and Europe kicking and screaming into the 21st century and abolish the outdated concepts of ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ and replace morality with the universal human values of ‘me’, ‘me’ and ‘me’.

Tory Critics To Remake ‘The Iron Lady’

Following widespread Tory condemnation of Margaret Thatcher biopic ‘The Iron Lady’ for having the front to show the former prime minister as the dribbling old ratbag she actually is, rather than the all-knowing genius they fondly pretend, David Cameron has unveiled ambitious plans to produce a remake which will re-educate filmgoers by proving that it is the entire Conservative Party - rather than the object of its unquestioning worship - which is living in a confused shadowland of tragic delusion.

“It is disturbing and tasteless to depict the blessed St Margaret in her twilight years, rather than concentrating solely on her miraculous achievements as a blue colossus bestriding the cowering world, stamping her pointy heel down on miners hell-bent on world domination, smiting Argentina from the face of the earth and demolishing the Berlin Wall with a single swipe of her trusty handbag,” declared director Mr Cameron, whilst trying to figure out how to load a roll of 35mm film into a DV-camera.

The Thing That Should Not Be

Tory moguls have already cast backbench media tart Louise Mensch as their insiprational heroine, with her cadaverous sidekick Norman Tebbit to be recreated entirely in CGI in a storyline which will replace the present-day decline shown in the current film with a Tory dream sequence - in which Baroness Thatcher will imperiously summon a humble God to her flying palace and browbeat him with her glorious achievements until he agrees to step down in her favour. Meanwhile, Mel Gibson and Ross Kemp are hotly tipped by industry insiders for the roles of evil supervillains Michael Foot and Neil Kinnock.

“If the Tories don’t think this film should be shown while Thatcher’s still drawing breath, we can think of a much simpler solution,” said the North of England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland, “And we could do with a bloody good street party.”

Where’s Wallies?

The only wally anyone's seen for a week is fourth from the right

Yes, it’s the picture-book craze that’s sweeping Britain! Will you be the first player to spot the hidden wallies - including David Cameron, George Osborne, William Hague, Theresa May and all the other Conservative cabinet members, who have been completely absent from public view since Christmas Eve?

Features dozens of elaborately- drawn crowd scenes, including:

- Klosters, the posh people’s skiing resort!
- Ladyboy lapdancing club in downtown Bangkok!
- Royal family’s festive bird-slaughtering jamboree at Sandringham!
- Weeping and wailing at Kim Jong-il's funeral!
- Falkland Islands penguin colony!

Tory-Toasting Nazi Sacked For Bringing Party Into Disrepute

Schwein

Backbench Nazi Aidan von Burley has been sacked from his parliamentary post by Hitler and placed under SS investigation, after being photographed toasting the Conservative Party during the stag weekend of a friend who was dressed as a Tory.

“Von Burley has behaved in a manner which is offensive and foolish,” said a Party spokesman in a propaganda broadcast. “Just because the Tories happen to share our views on disability doesn’t make them acceptable.”

Meanwhile, Herr Hitler - who recently used the Burning of the Mobelstag as an excuse for mass arrests - has announced a doubling of the security budget for the Olympiad to cover massive Wehrmacht deployment in and around the Olympische Dorf, raising fears that he will usurp the sporting ethos of the event as a showcase for his vaunting military ambitions. He also warned that any disabled athletes daring to participate in the Paralympic Games will be followed around track and field by the dreaded interrogators of the Atostapo.

Supervillain Widdicombe Unveils Diabolical Plan For World Domination

"Bwa-ha-ha-ha"

Driven criminally insane by David Cameron’s refusal to elevate her to what she believes, in her madness, to be her rightful place in the House of Lords – and, of course, by forty years of towering sexual frustration and Toryism – cackling former MP Ann Widdicombe hideously burst through the global airwaves this morning to announce her devious plot to become head of the entire world.

“Cameron, you beastly little cad, you’ve been very naughty!” she shrilled, as frightened viewers cowered behind their sofas. “Behold, I have already succeeded in dominating the minds of millions of silly modern women, by clumping my way through Strictly Come Dancing in a manner they found inexplicably endearing – entirely wiping from their pretty, empty heads all recollection of my vociferous enthusiasm for foxhunting, banning abortion and making non-attendance at evensong a hanging offence.”

As panic spread from nation to powerless nation, the newly-self-styled ‘Matron’ screeched into the bleeding ears of whimpering captive Fern Britton: “Either the rotter Cameron resigns within the hour and grants me the launch codes for Britain’s holy nuclear missiles, or I shall be forced to take part in Celebrity Big Brother on Channel 5, where I shall not hesitate to disport myself stark naked in the shower room before the blistering eyes of a shrieking world.”

No Bad Blood Towards Euro-Referendum Bastards, Hisses Cameron

Mr Cameron insists he and the rebels share common ground

Speaking through worn-down teeth, prime minister David Cameron said there was “no bad blood” towards the 81 rebellious members of his own party who last night stuck two fingers up at his three-line whip over calls for a referendum on Europe, although he did not rule out emptying a bucket of steaming offal over their heads as soon as the media’s attention is seized by the next bright shiny thing.

“There's no bad blood, no rancour, no bitterness,” he seethed. “These disloyal, backstabbing shits are valued Conservative colleagues. Fuck my luck.”

Leading cabinet Eurohater Michael Gove’s big wobbly head, meanwhile, filled the nation’s TV screens to crow: “It’s not a humiliation. Except to our lame duck of a prime minister, of course, who must surely be wondering whether the time has finally come to spend more time with his inheritance and hand over the reins to a statesman with the guts, and perhaps the big brainy head, needed to tell Hitler’s Fourth Reich what’s what.”

‘If A Terrorist Owns A Cat It’s Like Diplomatic Immunity,’ Insists Home Secretary, ‘Or Something’

Home secretary Theresa Maybe won a standing ovation today from the Tory faithful, as she warned conference delegates of the horrors of human rights.

“The uvva day, right, sam bladdy terrorist - I ain’t bein’ racist, but less just say ‘e wuz probly reekin’ uv curry know wot I mean – ‘e got nicked dinnee, for mowin’ down a busload uv kids wiv a machine gun or woteva, an’ when we tried to send ‘im ‘ome to whereva the bladdy ‘ell it is ‘e come from, ‘e pulls aht a bladdy cat - an’ blow me dan wiv a fevva, some prat in a wig sez well ‘e carn’t be deported canee cuz uv ‘is cat or summink,” she told her shocked audience.

Probably hidin' a bomb up its jacksy an' all, reckons Mrs May

“I in’t makin’ it up, I tell yer straight. Cross me art, iss Gawd’s own troof innit?” she insisted earnestly. “I ‘eard it off a coppa, an’ ‘e got it straight from one uv ‘is mates. Bladdy immigrant bastuds, ‘oo needs ‘em?”

A spokesman for the Judicial Office later pointed out that Mrs May was, in fact, making it up -or, in legal terminology, loquendo de toto testiculis.

“There was an immigrant who had outstayed his visa. He was Bolivian. He had a partner. He was in a permanent relationship of four years’ standing. He was granted leave to stay because, in trying to deport him, the Home Office had clearly failed to apply its own policy regarding a person’s basic right to a family life,” he sighed. “He did, in passing, mention his cat. That wasn’t actually a factor.”

Mrs May later admitted to the BBC that she had not actually bothered to check her facts before going off on a crazed rant in front of a crowd of impressionable Daily Mail readers.

“I wuz jass tellin’ a stawry, wunn I?” she added. “I dan’t need no facks gittin’ in the way uv a bladdy good yarn. I’m the bladdy ‘ome secketry, nah piss awf befaw I scrap the licence fee.”

Modern Compassionate Conservatism: Cameron Explains Triple Oxymoron To Party Faithful

David Cameron has been explaining his bizarre, triply self-contradictory concept of ‘Modern Compassionate Conservatism’ to the party faithful at conference today, driving home his message by using an amusing assortment of disableds as props for added comic effect.

That's more like it

“First of all, I’d like to thank the local Jobcentre for sending me so many willing assistants,” he chuckled, raising his first laugh by snatching the wig off a depressed, retching chemotherapy outpatient and flinging it out into the baying crowd. “What a tremendous boost it must have been for your self-confidence, dear, when you heard that your ESA was being stopped because Atos Medical say that you’re perfecly fit and capable of work!”

As he drew a big clown’s smile on a bedridden MS victim with a red marker pen, the prime minister explained: “Old-fashioned compassion was all about feeling sorry for crips and spackers. For years, disableds have been saying they don’t want our pity. Well, they must be absolutely over the moon now that we Conservatives have abolished it.”

“Modern compassion the Conservative way is all about empowering the useless,” he went on, whilst hilariously mooning a blind man. ”And now that we’ve slashed their income, what greater way of seizing control of their own destinies could there be than taking the brave, unselfish decision to stop being a burden on their loved ones by topping themselves?”

Mr Cameron also spoke movingly of the jobs for which nutters were particularly adapted. “The police are always keen to recruit violent psychopaths into their Armed Response Units and riot squads,” he laughed, “And there are plenty of opportunities within the Liberal Democrats for simps and vegetables. Finally, let me end with an uplifting example of one loony’s triumph over adversity: being a paranoid schizophrenic and a compulsive liar with Tourette’s and messianic delusions have uniquely qualified Paul Dacre to edit the Daily Mail.”

Craven Labour Conference Delegates Neglecting To Crucify Ed Balls

The beast must die

George Osborne today lambasted rank-and-file Labour Party members for spinelessly failing to instruct their representatives at the party’s annual conference to string up Ed Balls from the nearest lamp post.

“The implosion of the global economy and, with it, the irreversible decline and fall of Western civilisation, can be laid firmly at the door of one man and one man only,” squeaked the chancellor of the exchequer, “And that man is Ed Balls. Kill it. Kill it now, and maybe the gods of finance will be appeased. Or something. It’s got to be worth a try.”

“Of course, I’ll miss our amusing sparring sessions in the Commons, in which he always contrives to make me look a bit of a charlie even though I’m absolutely right about everything,” he smirked. “But it’s a sacrifice I’m sure I shall learn to get used to.”