Cameron To Resurrect Nimrod AEW For Carrier Fleet

After years of indecision about which version of the F-35 fighter – the one that melts a hole in the deck, or the one that will merely fall off the end of it - is worst suited to Britain’s future aircraft carrier fleet, David Cameron today shackled the nation to everlasting penury by reordering the notorious Nimrod AEW Mk3 for the Fleet Air Arm instead.

“The AEW Nimrod project was one of the most colossal wastes of time, money and effort in aviation history,” commented the Nev Filter’s resident plane-spotter, Neville Mann. “To this day, nobody knows just how much of Britain's dwindling post-war wealth was flung into a bottomless pit by successive governments as British Aerospace and Ferranti executives grinned like wanking Japs every year and promised to shoehorn a sodding great Boeing E-3 into a second-hand airliner half its size, if they could just have one more teeny-weeny blank cheque.”

Best of all, it guarantees British jobs

While the Royal Navy has no operational requirement for a massive airborne early warning system, since the MoD ended up buying the Boeings they could have been operating for 17 years, Mr Cameron has been reassured by eager BAe chiefs that it is entirely possible to hang a missile off each wing and pretend the bulbous, sluggish white elephant represents the last word in air superiority. Other critical missions for which the lumbering money sink can be readily adapted include wallowing along at zero feet whilst redundant AEW sysops lob hand grenades through the nosewheel bay, keeping BAe executives in the luxury to which they are accustomed, and exploding in mid-air, killing everyone on board.

“Of course, there may be minor teething problems in that, with a wingspan of 115ft and tipping the scales at 85 tonnes, the Nimrod is totally incapable of operating from our carriers,” conceded Mr Cameron. “Then again, nor is the F-35. But the important thing that the taxpayer needs to keep in mind is that the Nimrod is, of course, 100% British.”

“In fact, BAe have just emailed me to say it’s now 1000% British,” he added proudly.

Royal Navy Still Unable To Run Modern Warfare 3

NATO is ready to take on any hostile titans

Swingeing defence cuts have left the UK’s armed forces without any hardware capable of running Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare 3, according to shocked NATO allies - who first noticed a shortfall in Britain’s defence capabilities when they were invited to “bring any spare cereal packets” aboard HMS Illustrious for a simulated amphibious assault during the current exercises taking place off the shores of Scotland.

“We’re used to planning operations in our destroyer’s state-of-the-art Xbox Mission Suite,” said a horrified Dutch commander afterwards, “So it came as a bit of a surprise to see a blue-painted table in the middle of the hangar deck with a pair of marines painting Cornflake boxes grey and folding them into rudimentary ships. Haven’t the Royal Navy heard of quad-core laptops?”

Admiral ‘Froggy’ Legg apologised to his NATO counterparts, explaining that Britain’s top strategists were eagerly waiting for couriers to fly out the BNIB Radeon graphics card they bought on eBay, which they hope will upgrade HMS Illustrious’ desktop PC to the minimum spec needed to run MW3.

“Meanwhile, we were hoping to have a splendid Airfix model as the centrepiece of our wargames,” he added with a sigh. “Unfortunately, however, Chief ‘Salty’ McTavish keeps getting high on the glue.”

RAF To Buy Whole New Aeroplane

David Cameron has given the Royal Air Force permission to purchase an entire new aeroplane, and a very impressive one it is too.

There could even be room for a couple of penguins

The aeroplane – which will increase the RAF’s fleet of ex-rental C-17 Globemaster III heavy-lift transports to a fearsome eight – is necessary for the humanitarian evacuation of civilians and sheep from tiny war zones 8,000 miles away in the South Atlantic whose runway is not quite long enough to handle chartered civil airliners, explained the prime minister.

A spokesman for the big aeroplane’s manufacturers commented: “After a hiatus of 67 years, Boeing and the United States are glad to once again be sending the mighty 8th over to help Britain’s war effort. As previously, we’ll send you the bill later.”

Meanwhile, overjoyed RAF top brass are busy preparing a massive recruitment campaign for two pilots and a loadmaster.

Royal Navy To Recommission Entire Contents Of Fleet Air Arm Museum

With the future of the F-35 Joint Strike Fighter hanging in the balance of possible Pentagon defence cuts, the Royal Navy today unveiled a back-up plan to ensure that the aircraft carriers currently under construction will have at least some offensive capability.

“The naval aviation museum at RNAS Yeovilton already has a complete naval air arm in being,” explained defence minister Philip Hammond. “The impressive inventory includes a Sopwith Pup, a couple of Dragonfly helicopters which are cheap as chips to run, and a Swordfish bomber whose strike potential can be significantly upgraded for 21st century naval operations by bolting on the Merlin-powered sharp end of a Barracuda.”

“We’ve got an almost-working Concorde, too,” he warned Britain’s enemies. “By Crikey, that’s going to put the fear of God into those damned Somali pirates when they see it screaming towards them at zero feet, festooned with torpedoes.”

Paddle like fuck

Missile Launching Added To 2012 Olympics

In deference to widespread American fears that the United Kingdom is populated entirely by the Taleban, London 2012 organisers have agreed that the two discretionary sports they can add to the Olympic roster will consist of surface-to-air and air-to-surface missile launching.

Run, Usain Bolt, run

“Each US entrant will have to compete encumbered with an FGM-148 Javelin man-portable wire-guided missile launcher,” Lord Coe told reporters. “While the weight of the missile, launch tube and guidance controls may prove something of a handicap, we are looking at ways to reward successful kills with time, distance or points bonuses.”

“Meanwhile, the US Air Force will be deploying its battle-tested A-10 tankbusters in the skies above London, ready to take on any challenges from other nations,” he added. “We shall, of course, be providing America’s gung-ho flyboys with the latest intel on the configuration and schedules of London’s buses and overground Tube services - so with a bit of luck there shouldn’t be that many regrettable blue-on-blue incidents.”

As an extra sop to frightened US competitors, each will be accompanied at all times by dedicated FBI agents, specially trained to hurl themselves bodily into the path of any incoming suicide bombers, gun-wielding fanatics or competitors.

Fox Orders Investigation To Tell Him Why He Keeps Inviting His Mate Along To Sensitive Defence Meetings

Swivel-eyed defence secretary Dr Liam Fox has ordered an official investigation to tell him why on earth he keeps inviting the best man at his wedding along to important defence meetings and foreign trips, after it emerged that Adam Werrity-Dodgity – who has no security clearance - has tagged along for 14 top-level meetings at the MoD headquarters and was handing out House of Commons business cards claiming to be Dr Fox’s advisor during his official visit to Sri Lanka.

Mr Werrity-Dodgity has been reluctant to give interviews

By sheer coincidence Mr Werrity-Dodgity - a former flatmate of Dr Fox - also happened to be the sole employee of Atlantic Bridge, a right-wing organisation set up by the defence secretary with Baroness Thatcher as its patron, whose purpose was to foster close links between leading neo-conservatives on both sides of the Atlantic, and which was shut down last month by the Charities Commission following a deeply critical investigation into its activities.

“Right now, I simply haven’t the faintest idea why I keep Mr Werrity-Dodgity closer to me than my own shadow,” explained Dr Fox, sweating heavily. “I am rather hoping that this top-level internal inquiry will come up with something plausible.”

He then terminated the interview somewhat abruptly, pointing to the sky and shouting “look at that interesting thing” before running away and diving head-first into a black Cadillac with darkened windows, which happened to be driving slowly by with its back door open.

Demand For US Arms Reduction In No Way Connected To Our New Aircraft Carrier, Says China

Well, that's the take-off bit sorted

Speaking from the huge flight deck of the Shanga Lang, the People’s Liberation Navy’s newly-unveiled 65,000-tonne aircraft carrier, as it began its sea trials, Chinese premier Wen Jiabao assured the United States that his warning to scale back their expenditure on defence was nothing more sinister than well-intentioned budgeting advice from a concerned friend.

“China is the world’s friend,” he smiled, as the behemoth set course toward Japan. “And the only reason we are quadrupling our defence budget is because we have so much of your money that we simply don’t know what to do with it all. Look at this aircraft carrier. Only a nation with money to burn would waste so much money on a vessel of this size without having any aircraft to equip it with. Well, apart from the British, of course, but they are a notoriously inscrutable race whose reasons - if indeed they even understand such an abstract concept – have always been impossible to fathom.”

The former Soviet hulk will begin launching enthusiastic Chinese pilots off its steam catapults tomorrow. After a decade or two, if all goes well, Chinese defence researchers say they may even develop an aircraft of some sort to put them in – possibly a reverse-engineered Swordfish biplane, which they hope to develop using a rusty old Fleet Air Arm Gannet as a starting point.

Britain’s Heroes Itching To Have A Crack At Unemployment

Advisors could be lurking anywhere, ready to explode

Our plucky British heroes are desperately keen to do battle with their local Jobcentres, said admiring army chiefs today, after they were inundated with redundancy applications from enthusiastic volunteers - from the humblest privates to the most promising colonels.

The gung-ho spirit of Britain’s finest is, typically, undaunted by their woeful lack of equipment for the bitter struggle they will face as they search carefully among the ruins of Britain’s blasted employment landscape for a civilian job that requires the ability to march 25 miles with a 45lb backpack, strip a rifle blindfolded and cut a man’s throat in silence.

“It is a mark of the professionalism of our brave boys and girls in the front line that, in some cases, entire units are vying for the honour of being the first to go out,” said Brigadier Richard Nugee, Head of Army Unmanning. “It makes a man proud to see so many soldiers of the very highest calibre at our disposal.”

Ark Royal Sale Must End Soon!

You couldn't get that big one in your driveway

There have been so many generous offers for the decommissioned HMS Ark Royal that the deadline is to be extended so that even more potential buyers can come forward, the Defence Equipment & Support Boot Sale announced today.

“Roll up, roll up, ladies an’ gents - once it’s gone, it’s gone!” shouted a civil servant in Camden Lock market. “Yer kint buy an aircraft carrier this compact in the shops! We’ve ‘ad loads of interested parties, I tell yer straight! Go on, make me an offer! It might not be ‘ere tomorra!”

“You just wouldn’t believe how many parties will pay top dollar for an aircraft carrier that’s a couple of sizes too small,” explained swivel-eyed defence secretary Liam Fox. “For a start, an aircraft carrier with no aircraft is the last thing your enemies would expect, and that’s precisely the cunning strategy behind the new ones we’ve got on order.”

Among the shoppers in Camden, one man said he thought HMS Ark Royal would be just the thing for his garden’s ornamental pond, while another thought that if it was hauled up a hill it might make an ideal dry ski slope. However, the general mood among the bargain-hunters was that, if they waited, two bigger ones would be available soon.

Liam Fox Keen To Recruit Psychic Detective For War On Cyber-Crime

Have you remotely viewed this woman? Link minds with the sherriff

As the Liberty County Sherriff’s Office closes in on the radio phone-in caller who wasted their time with a psychic tip-off about bodies hidden in a truck driver’s garden, British defence secretary Dr Liam Fox urged her to forward him her CV at the earliest opportunity.

“Cold, emotionless cyber-criminals who were once human are launching thousands of attacks on the Ministry of Defence even as I speak,” asserted the swivel-eyed defence secretary. “As my urgent calls to Dr Who remain unanswered, I would very much like to meet this gifted woman. There is no doubt in my fevered mind that, equipped with a tinfoil hat of my own design to filter out unwanted psychic noise, she would be able to use her extraordinary powers to locate these relentless cybernetic monsters by focusing on whatever human remnants are encased within their brutal steel exoskeletons.”

Back in Texas, however, a rueful Marshal Sam McCloud warned that, with the benefit of hindsight, simply swallowing the fantastic assertions of a random nutter simply because she could accurately describe a house may not be quite the powerful new weapon in the law enforcement arsenal that the sherriff of Liberty County thought it was.

“Turns out a house is a pretty gosh-darned big item, y’know, an’ kin be seen bah th’naked eye from some ways away,” he admitted ruefully. “When ah asked mah deputies t’describe they neighbours’ houses, each o’them done give a mighty fine description. Either they all psychic too, or danged if it ain’t no big mystic thing at all.”

“Excuse me a while, folks,” he added. “Ah jes’ need to ask mah horse ta picture in his mind’s eye whut this hoaxer lady looks like, then he goin’ lead us straight to her.”

Obsolete Aircraft Carrier Will Make China A Superpower At Last, And Might Even Work

This could threaten Japan, albeit quite briefly

A top Chinese military official has announced plans to complete a Russian aircraft carrier left uncompleted after the collapse of the Soviet system 18 years ago, saying that it could be launched before the month is out and, if it floats, will at last propel China into the élite international league of big boys who throw their weight around.

"All of the great nations in the world own aircraft carriers – even Britain, if you count tiny ones. They are symbols of a great nation," said Qi Jianguo, assistant to the chief of the general staff of the People’s Liberation Army. “When the Chinese people have an aircraft carrier at last, we can fill it with glorious J-20 fighters that definitely aren’t shoddy copies of an American F-22 that was shot down over Serbia a couple of years ago. Given 20 or 30 years and an inexhaustible supply of enthusiastic revolutionary pilots, we are confident that we will also discover how to land them back on again on a short, pitching deck.”

Defence experts warn that, once the rust is scraped off, the half-finished antique will be completed to the usual exemplary Chinese quality-control standards – meaning that the fragile balance of global power will be dramatically shifted eastwards for just over a year, until it rolls over and sinks.

Britain Eyes Up Enormous Nuclear Cock Options

Wahey!

Swivel-eyed defence secretary Dr Liam Fox told Parliament today that Britain will definitely hold onto its enormous nuclear cock, as he proudly ordered some new black nuclear swimming trunks to keep it in.

Labour’s shadow defence secretary, Jim Murphy, applauded Dr Fox’s decision, saying that waving an enormous nuclear cock had been the cornerstone of the nation’s peace and security for fifty years.

"As long as there are other countries with similar capabilities, it is right the UK retains an independent nuclear cock," he told MPs. “Even if we are all on the same side.”

“We will, of course, consider our girly-boy coalition partners’ typically limp-wristed request to look into options that don’t involve a great big nuclear cock,” drooled Dr Fox. “Although, frankly, anything else would just look silly poking out of our glistening nuclear swimming trunks.”

“If Mr Clegg is so keen to strut about bollock naked,” he added, “Perhaps he ought to remember that everybody has been sniggering at the Liberals’ limp elections for decades.”

Carrier Costs Rise To Accommodate Aircraft Britain Can’t Afford

Well, admirals can have dreams too, you know

The costs of the Royal Navy’s two aircraft carriers currently under construction have risen by at least £1bn, the Ministry of Defence admitted today, taking into account the major redesign work needed for the Joint Strike Fighter that Britain can’t afford to buy.

“This is an unforeseen additional cost which has only arisen because the plane we originally designed the carriers around has never worked, can’t work and will never work,” confessed Admiral John Byng. “Consequently we’re having to redesign the flight decks to launch and land the version of the plane that can and indeed does apparently work. Unfortunately, that’s the one that needs a bloody long flight deck, because the VTOL version we based the entire project around will keep burning sodding great holes in the deck, and once it does get airborne it has to land immediately because it’s just used up all of its fuel taking off.”

“Not that it matters,” he chuckled, “Because even the basic bread-and-butter model is so extravagantly expensive that we had to choose between the planes or the carriers, and for strategic reasons we chose the carriers because that means more sailors for us to give orders to. Of course, now we can’t even afford both carriers, so we’re putting one of them on eBay, BNIB. Somebody’s going to pick up a real bargain, because we’re starting the bids at 1p to take advantage of eBay’s cheaper listing policy. You see, contrary to popular opinion, us chaps at the MoD really do have the taxpayer’s interests at heart.”

So far, however, ministry sources have been unable to confirm whether the bargain-basement carrier on offer will be capable of handling real aircraft or imaginary ones.

Lockheed Martin Vow To Use Vast Census Profits To Perfect Puppy-Hammering Robot

Blood-soaked Lockheed Martin bastards gloated insanely as the British public wrestled with the heart-wrenching moral dilemma of writing ‘Jedi Knight’ and ‘Cornish’ on a piece of paper, and promised that every single penny profit from the 2011 census would be poured into The Hammergeddon Project, their $500tn top-secret weapons system which promises to rid the world once and for all of adorable, cuddly puppies.

Hammergeddon needs your form now, or it'll never get a firm lock

“I’d like to take this opportunity to reassure the dumb fucks of Britain that each and every form we process will take us another step closer to perfecting the tricky anal spigot on which the Hammergeddon robot will impale each whimpering little bundle of cuteness before deciding how goddamn big a hammer it’s going to need, and going for the next size up,” sneered Attila Q. Slaughter, CEO of Lockheed’s blood-drenched Data Division.

Details of Hammergeddon are sketchy, but defence analysts believe the self-aware machine is able to detect and home in on the characteristic burbling noise humans emit when exposed to a fresh basket of wriggling, chubby pups. Its armoured head-carapace is capable of battering down any domestic door, enabling it to get in close enough to target individual puppies and grade them according to lovability.

After issuing a health and safety warning in compliance with the Geneva Conventions, it then loads the unsuspecting, mewling little darlings into its magazine, jettisons the spigot cover and locks each puppy firmly into position on the mounting provided. Sophisticated targeting systems home in on the pup’s oversized, floppy ears and retract them out of the way, before the AI component decides which hammer will be unnecessarily large for the mission and deploys it with precision to devastating effect. The mangled carcass is then ejected, messily, and the process is repeated until the hopper is empty.

Finally, the gore-spattered robot methodically eliminates all witnesses before issuing a press release reminding the doubting public that newly-whelped dogs can very easily be hidden under a burqa and sneaked past metal detectors.

“Bwaa haa haa,” cackled Mr Slaughter, as he lit a billion-dollar nuclear cigar with a butane-fuelled Labrador puppy’s red-hot nose. “If you think Hammergeddon is morally questionable, wait till you see the plans we’re drawing up for the ultimate kitten-flenser.”

Britain Not In Decline, Says Upstart Flunkey

The PM eagerly awaits the City's response to his optimism

Head waiter David Cameron is set to tell the City’s foremost gluttons that Britain is still a major player on the world stage, in between obsequiously serving courses at the Lord Mayor’s banquet later today.

“Begging your pardon, milords, ladies and gentlemen,” starts his keynote speech, set to begin as he humbly ushers the waddling fat cats to their reinforced seats, “But perhaps I might venture to suggest that, despite a slight loss of respect in the financial sphere…”

He will then be ceremonially damned for his impudence by the incoming mayor and urged to hurry up with the wine list.

As the bloated guests pile enthusiastically into their entrées of langoustines addressed in five ways, Cameron will make a further attempt to rise above the gaseous eruptions of guzzling bankers, ineffectually clearing his throat several times before remarking that in spite of unprecedented levels of debt, poverty and job insecurity, Britain still wastes more of its dwindling finances on its military than Russia. He will then receive the traditional cuff to the back of the head from the nearest diner, who will urge him to cut the chitter-chatter, get his bastard arse into gear and wheel in the main course.

As he carves generous portions of Waygu beef rib for each slobbering guest, Cameron will murmur that “many other countries would envy the cards we hold,” and will in turn receive a painful clip round the ear from each of them for his troubles.

Finally, during the devouring of dessert, Cameron will duck the flying gobbets of white truffle to meekly assert that he would be “defending Britain’s moral authority even in the most difficult of circumstances” - upon which the Lord Mayor will insert the customary flea in the servant’s ear and, to rousing cheers from the sated gourmands, send the upstart waiter back to his rightful place below stairs with a firmly-planted boot to the backside.

Defence Review Criticism Unjustified In Light of Revived Hitler Clone Threat, Insists Defence Secretary

Just one of these aboard a nuclear submarine could have been catastrophic

Dr Liam Fox, the defence secretary, has angrily refuted a Royal United Services Institute survey of 2000 defence experts, in which the majority said the recent Strategic Defence Review represented a lost opportunity for a more challenging rethink.

“These so-called ‘experts’ can say what they like,” riposted Dr Fox from his new command centre, the long-disused Aldwych tube station, “But the only thing stopping an army of cloned Hitler cyborgs from goose-stepping down Tottenham Court Road right now is the very real threat of an independent British Armageddon.”

“Only this week, HMS Astute detected a determined Hitler clone with an aqualung trying to prise open one of its torpedo tubes with a giant Swiss Army penknife,” he warned. “Fortunately, the captain acted quickly to avert the danger by squashing this dangerous genetically-enhanced madman against the nearest sandbank. I’m sure you don’t need me to outline the dire consequences, should even a single Hitler have got loose aboard our most advanced nuclear strike submarine, but I will anyway.”

The defence secretary then spent several hours acting out one of his many doomsday fantasies, oblivious to the fact that the press centre had swiftly emptied.

Meanwhile, Admiralty chiefs were gamely attempting to explain how Britain’s defence capabilities will be enhanced by an empty aircraft carrier.

“Er… imagine a scenario in which the army is trying to mount a counter-attack against an invading army of genetically modified Hitlers, who are encamped on the other side of a ravine,” began the First Sea Lord, Admiral Sir Mark Stanhope, with sweat running down his forehead. “But the only bridge is miles upwind, which would undoubtedly give the Hitlers their scent. However, if our new toy – er, carrier – were to stealthily back up and turn - hey presto! Instant crossing.”

“That’s the last thing they’d expect,” he added, before theatrically examining his watch and suddenly announcing that he was late for an urgent meeting.

Meanwhile, the RAF confidently announced that they would be alert and ready to deal with any conceivable threat to UK airspace - whether or not a Hitler clone was involved - as long as it took the form of a fifty-year old propellor-driven Tupolev.

Defence Secretary Declares War On Sun

Whilst delivering a keynote speech in an international conference on the vulnerability of electricity grids to hostile attack and natural disasters, Britain’s swivel-eyed secretary of state for defence, Dr Liam Fox, today seized the opportunity to call for a pan-global alliance to launch an all-out pre-emptive nuclear strike on the sun.

Dr Fox has been out in the sun for some considerable time now

“Make no mistake,” he warned delegates, adjusting his tinfoil hat to deflect deadly UV radiation from his mortal enemy, “According to NASA, in the year 2013 - or possibly earlier – a massive peak in the sun’s magnetic energy cycle and sunspot activity might very well create a solar storm of unprecedented ferocity. The inevitable worldwide geomagnetic storm this would unleash upon a defenceless Earth would undoubtedly knock out electricity grids for hours, days, weeks, months or most likely forever - bringing civilisation as we know it to a crashing halt and hurling the handful of terrified survivors back to the stone age, only to be mercilessly hunted down and eaten by irradiated mutant dinosaurs as tall as skyscrapers.”

“The only way that the people of Earth can save themselves from catastrophe is to lay aside their petty squabbles and unite to launch the world’s entire stock of thermonuclear warheads at our terrible enemy, the sun,” he shrieked, producing a battered Walkman cassette player from his pocket and jabbing at the play button until the batteries fell out. “As I know this idea will sound altogether too fantastic to the narrow minds of disbelievers, I have just set the process in motion by launching Britain’s entire stock of Trident missiles into space. Now you have no choice but to follow suit, or the sun’s vengeful wrath will surely kill us all by teatime!”

“The self-destruct codes have been disabled by my trusty cyber-pet, Aibo,” he bellowed, as his white-coated attendants manhandled him back to the padded ambulance he arrived in, adding, “One day – mark my words – I, Dr Magnafox, will be revered as the visionary saviour of the human race. Incidentally, I have blueprints hidden in a secret compartment in my underpants for a gigantic golden statue of myself which will be visible from space, if a grateful human race wishes to honour me after the hour of destiny has safely passed.”

Government Faces Tough Call - A Compassionate Society Or Two Brand Spanking New Aircraft Carriers

Admit it, this is so much sexier than a welfare state

Parliament will be facing a difficult decision in the next few weeks, according to figures released by the Treasury today – whether to maintain the pretence of a welfare state, or go ahead with a couple of unnecessary aircraft carriers which have no suitable aircraft and insufficient personnel to operate them.

Out of the £5bn optimistically earmarked to build the white elephants, admitted a Treasury official, £1.25bn has already been irrevocably signed over to the builders, BAe, and their subcontractors - even if their keels were to be scrapped on the stocks tomorrow.

“Look, it’s very simple,” said an MoD spokesman. “If the people of Britain really want a society in which poor people are free to be persecuted, vilified and hopefully rendered homeless simply for the crime of being poor, then they will jolly well have to fork out a few billion to defend that way of life. And that means two undermanned floating football pitches. Now pay the man.”

UK To Keep Waving Enormous Nuclear Cock At Rest of World

Notwithstanding suggestions that a separate army, navy and air force may soon be unsustainable, defence minister Bob Ainsworth today promised the nation that the future of the UK's enormous nuclear cock is assured.

In a speech intended to reassure the Daily Mail that the sun has still not set on the British Empire, Mr Ainsworth also said it was likely that the construction of two new aircraft carriers will also go ahead - although they may not actually carry any aircraft. Or crew.

"With the country defended by two vast floating bricks and an enormous nuclear cock that can be unzipped and waved menacingly at any aggressor within minutes of the Americans agreeing to give us the launch codes, the British people can feel completely safe from any sneak attack from a resurgent Zulu nation or the dreaded Fuzzy-Wuzzies," promised the defence secretary. "And you hardly need three services to operate that kind of hardware. One TA corporal and a few deckhands from the Isle of Skye ferry should be enough to meet out future defence requirements."

"Which is just as well," he added, "Since there won't be any money left in the pot for anyone else."

A spokesman for the Fuzzy-Wuzzies privately admitted that they would not like Britain's enormous nuclear cock up them.

Top General Urges Defence Spending On Computer Security, Not Things That Go Bang

The head of the British Army, General Sir David Richards, today launched a sensational attack on the government's defence spending on traditional weapons the country cannot afford, claiming that the MoD should concentrate on cyber-threats instead and pop down to PC World to pick up Norton 360 for fifty quid.

"I am not proposing that we get rid of all our more traditional military capability," said Sir David. For example, we can keep our fleet of sixties-designed Harriers flying until they fall apart. As for our aircraft carrier program, why not just plonk a Harrier or two on every cross-channel ferry instead?"

Citing the estimated £110m unit cost of the delayed next-generation Nimrod MRA4 aircraft, Sir David pointed out that, in a crisis, the government would spend less if it simply requisitioned every restored Spitfire and Hurricane in the country.

"They were good enough to win the Battle of Britain," he pointed out confidently.

Urging the use of unpiloted reconnaissance drones, Britain's top soldier pointed out that radio-controlled replicas of the legendary Lockheed SR-71 'Blackbird' spy-plane were available on the internet for a bargain $279.99.

He also called for Britain's front-line troops to be phased out and replaced with the country's leading Call of Duty 2 players.

"Anyone who can complete that game is clearly a top-notch machine killer with the lightning reactions needed for the electronic battlefields of tomorrow," he said. "And as long as they get a regular supply of Doritos and Red Bull, they'll work for nothing."