Robocop And ED-209 To Be Consulted By Police Forces

Don't mention the hat

Controversy surrounds today’s announcement by the chief constables of the West Midlands and Surrey police that the famous consulting detective, Robocop, and his trusty friend Dr ED-209 have been appointed to assist them in solving crimes, providing victim support and patrolling neighbourhoods.

“Robocop may look bang up to date, with his revealing flashbacks and trendy CGI text popping up in front of his eyes, but sadly the truth is that his methods of deduction belong to an earlier century,” warned shadow home secretary Yvette Cooper. “And I’m not absolutely convinced that his friend ED-209 doesn’t fancy the leg fairings off him.”

Fans of ED-209’s popular blog, however, point out that Robocop is virtually impossible to kill, even if local hoodies dismantle him with a screwdriver - adding that policing costs will fall dramatically, as he can solve any mystery on just one tiny spoonful of baby food.

Princess Beatrice Slightly Disappointed With Work Experience Offer

She'll fit right in

HRH Princess Beatrice of York, who graduated last year with a useless history degree, is finding that her dreams of a glittering career in the rag trade may have to be put on hold for a while, after discovering that the only work experience the Chadwick Street Jobcentre could offer her involves stocking shelves in a pound shop on the deeply unfashionable side of the Thames.

“I’m sure we can teach Beatrice some great skills to fill out her CV,” commented shop manager Chopak Singh. “If she’s set her heart on working with commoners, they certainly don’t get any commoner than the dead-eyed human wreckage that lurches in here every day.”

“And don’t get me started about the customers,” he added with a shudder.

Fuck Knows How Many Adults Can’t Add Up, But It’s Shitloads

Nobody has the faintest idea what percentage of the adult population of Britain are functionally innumerate, according to squiggly things that look a bit like wonky letters published today by YouGov - or even what a percentage is, not that it matters – but apparently it’s quite a lot.

Britain thinks it's some kind of code

“It is simply inexcusable for anyone to say 'I can't do maths',” nagged Chris Humphries, chair of newly-launched charity Numeracy Matters. "It doesn't happen in other parts of the world, because other people have assets we simply don’t have in this country - goals, hopes, self-esteem, that sort of thing. It is a peculiarly British disease, which we aim to eradicate by loping along behind you, pushing out our lower lips with our tongues, grunting and slapping our wrists until you do a sum to make us go away.”

The charity hopes to be as successful in raising standards as the National Literacy Trust, with last year’s Skills For Life survey indicating that six out of ten people in England now have “strong” reading and writing skills.

“Christ on a bike. The most cursory glance at Facebook suggests that some dolt at the National Audit Office must have got a decimal point in the wrong place there,” moaned Mr Humphries. “Where the hell do we even begin?”

Horsegate: Cameron Resigns

You did this, Cameron, you bastard

David Cameron has sensationally resigned in disgrace after it emerged that, a couple of years ago, he rode a horse.

“I am ashamed to say that, in my innocent eagerness to climb into the saddle and go for a ride with my lovely friend Rebekah Brooks, I utterly neglected to carry out the most perfunctory check on whether the horse belonged to the Metropolitan Police,” confessed the ashen-faced prime minister at a press conference. “I make no excuses for this despicable act and can only hope that, in time, history will forget that I ever existed.”

Mr Cameron then tried to shoot himself to atone for his sins but, before he could pull the trigger, sharp-eyed hacks warned him that the gun he had placed in his mouth bore markings suggesting that it was in fact the property of CO19, the Met’s specialist firearms unit.

Democracy Threatens British Way Of Life, Warn Rich People

Listening to the people is the greatest threat the country has faced since Hitler, according to 537 worried captains of British industry who would be losing vast sums to the 50p rate of income tax if they hadn’t got such clever accountants.

Make the bad thing go away

“Penalising high earners through an unfair, politically-motivated tax puts populist politics before sound economics,” cautioned Robert Rawlplug OBE, founder of Bedford’s world-beating Bob’s Discount Rawlplug Emporium. “That grinning little creep Osborne is a card-carrying member of the Socialist Workers, you know. It’s just not British to put the wishes of the many before the need for an extension to my wine cellar.”

“This Bolshevik tax, which is in effect an eye-watering 58p tax after the government’s iniquitous national insurance scam is taken into account, puts wealth creators like us in a very awkward position,” agreed Sir James Yarn, CEO of The Swindon Yarn Centre. “If the budget doesn’t lower it to a more realistic figure – 0p in the pound springs to mind – I may well be left with no alternative but to relocate my entire yarn factory to Eastern Europe, at the cost of up to 5 little people’s jobs. And what comrade Osborne needs to bear in mind is that they actually pay income tax.”

Meanwhile Sir Charles Garden-Ornament, chairman of Gnomes of Bodmin plc, summed up the pain of Britain’s vital entrepreneurs by screaming and screaming and screaming until he was sick.

U-Turn On Non-Existent Sanctions To Topple Government

Turns out it wasn't such a bad idea after all

David Cameron’s coalition government is balanced precariously on the brink of collapse today after being forced into an humiliating U-turn - announcing the abolition of work-experience sanctions which, it insisted, never existed in the first place.

“Due entirely to a miserable little non-campaign by a tiny number of diehard Stalinists, I am pleased to announce that dolescum who are warmly recommended by the Jobcentre to report to the nearest supermarket, if they know what’s good for them, for a two-month crash course in placing jam in neat little rows will no longer face the imaginary threat of losing their benefits should they fail to be absolutely delighted by the CV-enhancing skillset which they are acquiring,” mumbled employment minister Chris Grayling yesterday, as floods of Britain’s biggest employers swiftly dropped the scheme like a live rattlesnake.

Leading political commentators agree that the government has been fatally weakened by its craven abolition of the non-existent penalty, and are confidently predicting a vote of no confidence in the coalition - forcing an emasculated David Cameron to call a snap election which will see the Socialist Workers’ Party swept into everlasting power on a tidal wave of proletarian enthusiasm.

Public Warned Not To Approach Dangerous Union Fugitive

The evil al-Cluskey, spreading his sick message of hate

Police today urged the public to report any sightings of Unite gang boss Len McCluskey, who is on the run after threatening to rain dire doom and destruction down upon the Olympic Games, but warned them not to approach the desperate fugitive for their own safety.

Prime minister David Cameron declared McCluskey the most dangerous criminal on the loose in Britain today, and urged people to stay in their jobs until the anti-terrorist forces have done what needs to be done.

Meanwhile McCluskey’s maiden aunt, Ed Miliband, made a tearful TV appeal to the fugitive to give himself up to the authorities amid growing fears that he may be trying to return to familiar home territory, the 1970s.

“We love you, Len, as a valuable member of our little family,” sobbed the old lady whose struggle to keep him on the straight and narrow have come to nothing. “But think of the harm you’re doing to your loved ones with all this fighting talk, just when we thought people were beginning to forgive us after all these years of being shunned and spat at in the streets. Please, please - just give up and let us move on.”

MTV To Screen Belfast’s ‘Troubles Festival’

No doubt there'll be a tasteful CD, too

MTV will be commemorating the needless slaughter of thousands with a huge rock concert in Belfast later this year, a spokesman for the music channel confirmed today. The gig is to be the centrepiece of the Ulster capital’s eagerly-anticipated Troubles Festival, which is being organised by city authorities to celebrate the unnecessary deaths of over 3000 innocent victims of Ireland’s once world-beating hatebuilding industry.

“Thanks to heart-warming blockbuster movies like Michael Collins and In The Name Of The Father, all the world knows the moving tale of a city divided by barriers of religion and bricks but finally united in death,” said the excited MTV spokesman. “We hope the whole world will not just watch, but join the forward-looking people of Belfast in dancing on these historic graves.”

Other events planned to boost Belfast’s global image include a play commissioned to celebrate the dedication and hard work of the people of the city where the Troubles were built, and an iPad app which will showcase rare footage of doomed bystanders being poignantly maimed by a bomb in a litter bin.

Barclays Demand Taxpayer Bailout For £500m Tax Bill

An aggrieved board of directors at Barclays is hastily putting together a case for a last-minute taxpayer bailout of the bank to cover its dodged £500m tax bill, after Treasury officials finally put an end to the old regulatory system in which multinational corporations took Dave Hartnett, the head of HM Revenue and Customs, out for a most agreeable lunch and he repaid their largesse by obligingly writing off all their tax liabilities.

Dear, innocent little Barclays Bank

“Barclays Bank is widely respected in the City as a paragon of probity,” explained Barclays’ head of corporate social responsibility, Sir Nick Things, “Which is why, when it became obvious that we were about to get done for years of tax fiddling, we immediately put our hands up and told the authorities about our £500m stash of loot. And we’d have gotten clean away, too, with if it hadn’t been for those pesky meddling kids at Private Eye jumping up and down and pointing to kindly old Mr Harnett for a year or two before the papers or the government finally woke up.”

“However, in our defence it should be pointed out that - unlike our competitors - Barclays didn't go cap-in-hand to the government back along, demanding an eye-watering handout and dragging every man, woman and child in the country into generations of unpayable debt,” he added. “I rather think it’s time to call that little favour in now, don’t you?”

Meanwhile, sweating Treasury officials are desperately pretending to be in meetings today as the phone rings and rings, trying to come up with some face-saving dodge whereby further deepening of the dark fiscal hole in which Britain now sits can be hidden from the taxpayer in some way, possibly involving vast, unpayable loans from Lloyds TSB and the Royal Bank of Scotland.