Wednesday, 7 September 2011

Record Company Bosses Instruct Public To Like Squawking Lesbian Folkie From Taunton Again

Music industry executives strongly suggest that you log onto iPlayer immediately and buy all the MP3s by Taunton folk lesbian PJ Harvey - including all her old stuff which you dutifully bought on CD ten years ago, when she was last given the Mercury Sales Boost - unless, perhaps, you want to give your dinner-party guests the impression that you must be some sort of war-crazed homophobic misogynist.

“Polly Harvey’s seminal new album, ‘Gosh, War Is Really Bad Isn’t It’, offers a unique lesbian insight into the war thing,” explained her proud owner Barry Weiss, CEO of Island Records. “You will be humbled and elated to hear her fearlessly stripping bare your narrow, heterosexual misconceptions about war with the aid of her trusty Les Paul and some sort of tin-plated polygon with strings, opening your complacent eyes to the shocking revelation that, for many people, war is actually quite bad. Now give me your cash, suckers.”

Polly and her special anti-war plunky thing
“Anybody who doesn’t worhsip PJ is obviously a frustrated would-be rapist, what with her heroically ticking the lezzer box and that,” said longtime fan Starchild Moonflower. “I’ve been so like into her since way back, when she sang that one about menstruating Celtic statues – essential subject matter that testosterone-fuelled cock wavers like Justin Bieber wouldn’t dare touch with a bargepole.”

Once her record company has recovered the huge investment it made in hiring a soundproofed warehouse, a Macbook Pro and a couple of microphones for a day or two, the re-crowned queen of the battlefield said she was eagerly looking forward to putting her royalties towards a six pack of Strongbow and a fresh pair of leather pants.

Turning 50p Tax Rate Into 50p Tax Rebate Would Magic Away Britain’s Economic Woes Forever, Insist Barefaced Liars

20 of Britain’s leading liars somehow managed to keep straight faces today as they confidently told chancellor George Osborne that the one thing preventing Britain from achieving total dominance of the global economy by next Monday was his craven failure to ditch the 50p upper tax band he inherited from the previous communist government.

The game's up, Trotsky
As part of a PR campaign run by professional liars in red-framed glasses, two former Bank of England spreadsheet users whose suits cost more than a year’s Jobseeker’s Allowance were among the signatories to a letter, sent to the Financial Times, which openly challenged the craven chancellor to abandon the punishing top rate of income tax, and maybe replace it with a tax rebate of 50% as a token gesture in recognition of all the sterling effort that very rich people put into awarding themselves massive bonuses.

“This ruinous injustice clearly deters fabulously wealthy investors like Warren Buffet and Lilliane Bettencourt, who have said they would be happy to pay higher taxes in their own countries, from coming here to reap the benefit of our world-beating tax-avoidance experts,” rambled the country’s financial gurus. “If that doesn’t make any sense to you, then you are obviously an economic illiterate who stupidly thinks we earn too much, and you really shouldn’t be allowed to vote. Sort it, Osborne, or you can wave bye-bye to those directorships you fondly imagine will drop into your lap when you finally get kicked upstairs.”

Tuesday, 6 September 2011

Where In The World Is Colonel Gadaffi?

Sirte: Psychologists believe the crazed former Libyan dictator could be back in his home town of Sirte, slavishly following a deep, subconscious desire to undo the past by climbing back up his mother’s fanny.

Could be
Tripoli: It is entirely possible that the ex-Colonel could be hiding in plain sight in the subdued capital, telling rebel soldiers who stop him in the streets: “Blimey, mate, you’re the tenth one today to tell me I look just like him. Perhaps I ought to grow a beard, or something.”

London: Intelligence analysts suggest that the deposed Libyan leader could be stashed away safely in a broom cupboard of the SIS Building in Vauxhall, home of his good friends MI6, having been rendered extraordinarily out of his country in an oil barrel. He would then bide his time until the new Libyan government inevitably turned out to be a bit of a disappointment - at which point Western governments would, once again, decide that maybe he wasn’t such a bad chap after all.

The Dark Side Of The Moon: As likely a place as any of the others being bandied around.

Disturbingly Low Number Of Rioters Were Law-Abiding Citizens, Says London’s Top Policeman

Acting Commissioner Tim Godwin of the Metropolitan Police today added his voice to concerns expressed by Kenneth Clarke and Boris Johnson about the disturbing proportion of riot-related crimes which turned out to have been committed by criminals.

“I think this is a wake-up call for the criminal justice system,” Mr Godwin told reporters. “In the name of the law, how can it be that only one in five of these criminal acts was perpetrated by fine, morally-upstanding citizens of impeccable character with no previous convictions?”

Reoffend now, you feral hoodie ruffians
Justice Secretary Kenneth Clarke has already gone on record to blame a “broken penal system” – not merely for flagrantly releasing convicted criminals from prison just because their sentences were served, but more fundamentally for commonly failing to execute them at the point of arrest. Boris Johnson swiftly agreed with him - adding that, based on his close observations from Canada, where he was on holiday at the time, he knew for certain that the initial police response to the riots had been flawless in every respect.

Giving his long-range evidence to the Home Affairs Select Committee, London’s clairvoyant mayor went on to say: “We need to ask as a society what is happening to these - these johnny-ne’er-do-wells after they have been jailed. How are we changing their lives so they don't come out again and go back to gangs, eh? Well, call me old-fashioned and what-have-you, but it seems to yours truly that only hanging has a ten-out-of-ten track record in this department, eh, chaps?”

“Or lobotomy!” he expostulated. “Might work. Keep the wet-blanket brigade happy. Why not give it a bash, eh, says old Boris!”

Monday, 5 September 2011

Education Secretary Sets New Standard In English

Education minister Michael Gove today unveiled a radical new standard in English for schools to follow, which scholars of linguistics have tentatively labelled ‘making words up as you go along’.

Launching what promises to be the first of many innovative and incomprehensible noises, Mr Gove pledged that the controversial new ‘free’ schools the Tories have set up would have “no space for teaching of wackoidal theories” based on religious beliefs (or possibly ‘wackodial’, as reporters struggle to get to grips with his new coinage).

Out of the mouths of babes and Oxford-educated Cabinet ministers...
According to experts, the stem of Mr Gove’s peculiar new sound seems to be the slang expression ‘wack’ – meaning either ‘lame’ or ‘sorry-ass’, ‘to masturbate’, or ‘indicating low or dubious quality’.

“The term is frequently used aggressively by rappers in their self-styled ‘hairstyling’ battles,” observed Dr. Mortimer Strangelove, a veteran Oxford English Dictionary lexicographer. “The ‘-oid’ suffix indicates that the object being described in some way resembles one or more definitions of ‘wack’, but unfortunately this does not help us to decipher which particular meaning is intended.”

“More helpfully, however, -al’, the other suffix used by Mr Gove, can be added to verbs to turn them into nouns, e.g. to confess - confession - confessional,” he droned on. “Therefore, since the only verb definition of ‘wack’ is ‘to masturbate’, it would appear that the education secretary is, in his sadly inarticulate way, attempting to reassure the nation that free schools will be barred from teaching children anything which resembles a religious theory of masturbation.”

“I’m sure this information will be of great comfort to parents,” he added sagely. “If Michael Gove carries on making bizarre noises, do give me a shout.”

Sunday, 4 September 2011

Darling: Why We Had To Leave The Country In The Hands Of A Raving Lunatic For Three Years

The horse's head was just a friendly hint, said Brown
On the Andrew Marr Plays Guitar Show today, former Chancellor Alistair Darling sensationally revealed the reason why he and David Miliband chose not to topple delusional megalomaniac Gordon Brown when they had the chance.

“At the end point you had say you had to get borrowing down,” explained the traumatised ex-chancellor. “Which is another way of saying: ‘take a sodding great axe to public services, the welfare state, the NHS and all those other things people think are essential’.”

“David Miliband and I met and discussed whether there was any way of getting rid of Gordon, i.e. telling the world about his hour-long ranting fits and his utter pig-headed refusal to recognise an economic disaster even as it came crashing down around his ears,” he revealed. “But then David said to me, ‘Hang on a minute, Snowy - if we punt Gordon into the long grass, then one of us is going to have to fuck the country sideways. Why don’t we just let the Tories do it for us and take all the flak instead? Then we can just shrug and say it was all Gordon’s fault, and coast back into power when the plebs give them the boot in four years’ time?’ So there you have it. It was all Gordon’s fault and nobody else’s, and if he even thought I was looking like I might spill the beans, the psychotic maniac would undoubtedly have kicked my teeth in and handed them back to me as cufflinks. Or told his devoted henchman, Balls, to do it.”

“Vote Labour in 2013, folks,” he added hopefully.

The Nev Filter Book Club Choice: Little Dorries, by Charles Dickens

Little Dorries, hot on the trail of the evil Mrs Stopes
This month we’ll be following the heartwarming tale of little Nadine Dorries, in Dickens’ masterful tale of shocking Victorian values, as she struggles to drag women’s rights back to the 19th century!

We’ll thrill to her epic battle to stop the wicked, profit-mongering back street abortionist Mrs Stopes from offering impartial advice and the use of her red-hot poker to fallen women!

We’ll weep for joy at her valiant efforts to drive the harlots to seek impartial threats of everlasting torment in the fires of hell instead, from celibate priests whose idea of family planning is the head of the household dutifully scattering his seed over his wife and chattel’s bosom whilst praising the Almighty for his bountiful abundance!

This month’s movie choice: 12m Angry Women