Tuesday, 23 September 2008

It's What Your Right Arm's For

The government has promised internet access for all teen chav scum in a year’s time, offering free vouchers worth up to £700 to families who have wasted all their cash on KFCs, a 60-inch TV and a fifteen-year-old BMW.


“Home access to ICT has educational, economic and social benefits,” said Schools Minister Jim Knight. “Once these little bastards start whacking off to the unlimited cornucopia of hardcore pornography that is the worldwide web, they will soon be tossing themselves into a state of complete nervous collapse by 6pm or thereabouts. They will then be too exhausted to terrorise their neighbourhoods in the evening and, although they will soon have huge right arms like fiddler crabs, they won’t have the energy to give their teachers any aggro in school.”


“Once these teenage boys have seen some tremendously-stacked Russian bint widdling in gynaecological-detailed close-up, their 12-year-old girlfriends will seem a bit tame,” he added - perhaps a bit too enthusiastically - when asked how teenage girls would benefit from the scheme. “Which might finally bring the underage pregnancy figures down in Plymouth and other chav infestations.”


Several skanky-looking teenagers to whom we spoke cast doubt on Mr Knight’s hopes saying they already had enormously-overdeveloped right arms, thanks to playing with their Nintendos every night for hours on end, which they demonstrated by punching the fuck out of our reporter. They did admit that the vouchers might come in handy, however, as they could probably swap them for speed and White Lightning with their friendly neighbourhood paedophiles.

Wife Introduces Gordon Brown at Conference - Someone Had To

Gordon Brown’s wife Sarah has made an unscheduled appearance on the platform at the Labour Party conference - introducing her husband on stage, as nobody else could be found who wanted to admit they knew him.


The prime minister’s wife has generally kept a low profile up to now, as any self-respecting person would under the circumstances. However, after ten minutes passed in embarrassed silence at the conference as the PM waited in the wings to be announced, she was heard to look upwards to heaven and mutter something under her breath before stamping up to the podium, grabbing the microphone and saying, “Since none of you gutless bastards wants the job, here’s my husband the prime minister, talking crap as usual. Clap if you want to, but don’t sit there yawning – Miliband; remember, you could have had a leadership contest last year if you weren’t all such a faceless bunch of non-entities.”


A glowering Mr Brown then slouched onto the stage and - in a keynote speech written by his new best friend JK Rowling - told an emptying hall about a strange fantasy world in which, after many trials and tribulations, Britain was magically led into a brighter, stronger future by an unlikely-seeming hero from under the stairs.

Monday, 22 September 2008

Saatchi Gallery Offers £2m for Stormont Attack

Michael Stone - the former loyalist terrorist who has described his attempt to force his way into Ulster’s seat of government as “an act of performance art” - has been offered £2m by Charles Saatchi, who hopes the attack will form the centrepiece of the soon-to-be-reopened Saatchi Gallery in London.


“Mr Stone’s post-modern performance masterpiece - in which he symbolically tried to run past Stormont’s security guards, dressed like a tramp and carrying nail bombs, a pretend gun and a concealed sponge - speaks to us all at a deeply instinctive level,” said a straight-faced Mr Saatchi. “You can laugh at the shambolic, yet strangely visceral attempt to kill the Sinn Fein leadership, or you can laugh at his impressively self-referential, straw-clutching narrative in court. But you can’t ignore it.”


Mr Saatchi denied rumours that he was also preparing a bid for the Metropolitan Police’s famous public performance at Stockwell Tube Station, in which they symbolically executed harmless Brazilian electrician Jean Charles de Menezes in an ironic comment on the public’s perception of the thoroughly-outmoded concept of law enforcement.

Gordon Brown Urged to Top Blaine Stunt

Labour Party delegates at the party’s conference have told Prime Minister Gordon Brown that the party’s spectacular fall from grace may be reversed at a stroke if he takes a leaf out of illusionist David Blaine’s book.


The American performer’s latest stunt involves suspending himself upside down in New York’s Central Park for 60 consecutive days.


“Gordon Brown has already proved that he can beat Blaine at his own game, by living in a bubble for well over a year with no visible means of sustaining himself,” said a man with a beard. “Now is the time for him to capture the public imagination again. We are already erecting a huge scaffold at Marble Arch, and we hope to suspend Gordon from it indefinitely - or at least until his rotting corpse falls to the ground, anyway.”


Miliband One told the party faithful that the embattled Prime Minister had his full backing for the stunt.


“The Prime Minister is definitely the man for the job,” he said, to rousing cheers from the party rank and file.

Shelves Cleared of Chinese Products in Quality Control Scare

Britain’s high streets closed down indefinitely today amid fears over the standards of manufacturing quality control in China, prompted by over 53,000 cases of children poisoned by melamine-tainted milk products.


The latest scandal involving China’s legendary devil-may-care attitude to safety follows years of product warnings involving dangerous items ranging from children’s toys to pharmaceuticals and pet food.


“The safety of our customers is our primary concern, as research shows that dead ones tend not to make repeat purchases,” said a spokesman for the retail industry. “In the wake of this latest incidence of adverse publicity, our members have decided to remove all Chinese products from their shelves until further notice. Unfortunately, this means that they have removed everything from their shelves until further notice. Oh well, at least now we know why all that Chinese stuff was so cheap.”


Industry experts are unsure how long it will take to get British manufacturing back in business, as most of the construction industry’s plant has been mothballed for health and safety reasons as it was made in China. There is also a severe lack of skilled labour to fill the factories - if and when they are built - after a generation of industrial decline in which Britain was supposed to become a world leader in the service sector, before all the jobs went to India.


“We’re probably going to have to wind the clock back about 250 years and restart the industrial revolution,” admitted a spokesman for the Confederation of British Industry. “My advice to people is to start on a small scale, perhaps sewing buttons on shirts for an enterprising local tailor, until we can work out how to put a loom or a steam engine together. Perhaps one day we can look forward to becoming a booming industrial power again, with belching factory chimneys in every town. Obviously, they won’t be burning Chinese coal, though - it’s probably full of uranium or agent orange or something. Perhaps we ought to start pumping 20 years of flood-water out of our coal mines.”


“Our leading scientists tell me that Britain should have home-built treadmill technology in about a fortnight,” said industry minister John Hutton. “At least that’ll bring the unemployment figures down.”