The government has promised internet access for all teen chav scum in a year’s time, offering free vouchers worth up to £700 to families who have wasted all their cash on KFCs, a 60-inch TV and a fifteen-year-old BMW.
“Home access to ICT has educational, economic and social benefits,” said Schools Minister Jim Knight. “Once these little bastards start whacking off to the unlimited cornucopia of hardcore pornography that is the worldwide web, they will soon be tossing themselves into a state of complete nervous collapse by or thereabouts. They will then be too exhausted to terrorise their neighbourhoods in the evening and, although they will soon have huge right arms like fiddler crabs, they won’t have the energy to give their teachers any aggro in school.”
“Once these teenage boys have seen some tremendously-stacked Russian bint widdling in gynaecological-detailed close-up, their 12-year-old girlfriends will seem a bit tame,” he added - perhaps a bit too enthusiastically - when asked how teenage girls would benefit from the scheme. “Which might finally bring the underage pregnancy figures down in Plymouth and other chav infestations.”
Several skanky-looking teenagers to whom we spoke cast doubt on Mr Knight’s hopes saying they already had enormously-overdeveloped right arms, thanks to playing with their Nintendos every night for hours on end, which they demonstrated by punching the fuck out of our reporter. They did admit that the vouchers might come in handy, however, as they could probably swap them for speed and White Lightning with their friendly neighbourhood paedophiles.